Chapter Twenty-Two August 8
Chapter Twenty-two
Clarity. Peace. The ability to walk through life without the shame or guilt of my decisions weighing me down.
I’ve had all three the past seven months.
Time has absolved me of all my sins. Sort of. Depends on who you ask, I guess.
And all I had to do was give up John.
Wouldn’t recommend.
Because the clarity isn’t real.
The peace is forced.
And the lack of shame and guilt comes at the expense of a large, gaping hole in my heart.
But life still goes on.
Paulie turned one.
Tenth grade is over (and all I got to show for it was an 89 in Algebra).
Dad signed me up for Calculus next year without my consent.
And Zach and Georgie are getting married next week.
He proposed on Valentine’s Day. I knew things were going okay between them.
Good, even. He was always around. To the point where my parents eventually accepted him as part of the family.
But I didn’t expect the proposal. As it turns out, I was the only person who was surprised.
Zach had already asked both my parents for their blessing.
Even Georgie suspected a proposal was on the way.
“He was acting weird,” she said to me after it happened, studying her modest engagement ring with a wide grin. “He kept fidgeting over dinner and checking his pockets. He practically gave it away. His dress shirt was completely soaked through!”
I didn’t want to think about what Georgie getting married would mean for me, since it wasn’t about me, but that didn’t stop the thoughts from creeping in.
I knew I’d have to watch as she packed up her bedroom and moved the never-opened boxes containing Paulie’s big-girl bed into her new home; I’d never get the chance to set it up with her.
I knew it would mean spending even less time with my sister, who was already stretched thin between caring for Paulie and spending time with Zach.
It’s August now, and Georgie, with the help of my mom, is going over all the last-minute wedding decisions.
They’re a bit behind because last week Georgie and Zach finally secured a condo in downtown Toronto to rent, and between lawyers, bank appointments, and filling out paperwork, that ate up a lot of time.
They can’t afford a home in our town. They can’t afford anything, really, with Zach in college and Georgie on Mom duty, but both sets of parents have agreed to help them out with rent.
Instead of putting money into a big fancy wedding, they’ve planned something small. Actually, in Theo’s backyard.
It’s just all so much, so soon. The thought of living in my home without my sister keeps me up at night. Even though we haven’t spent as much time together as we used to, just knowing she was next door helped. It helped.
As the wedding day approaches, Mom and Georgie are once again talking through all the boring details with Theo’s mom, Petra, while I lounge in the pool with Paulie. We both love the pool.
Theo worked at a golf course most of July, but his hours got cut and so he’s been joining us pretty often. His company is a good distraction from the changes headed my way. Forced proximity has shown me there’s more to Theo than his textbook good looks and abundance of self-confidence.
We didn’t mean to become so friendly, and I wouldn’t have let him in to the degree I did if he and Andie hadn’t made up.
At my urging, he apologized to her at the end of January for the way he spoke to her on New Year’s Eve.
Andie accepted his apology without much drama.
I guess not everyone holds onto grudges.
And now the three of us are friends. I was kind of worried he and Andie would hook up and ruin our non-polyamorous triangle, but she’s been seeing this guy Kiefer since April.
And anyway she’s spending most of August at her cottage.
Then there’s eleventh grade, less than four weeks away.
My biggest goal this year is to go on the school trip to New York City in the spring.
Which means I’ll be on my best behavior as I lay the groundwork to make that trip happen.
Even if it means continuing to keep my distance from John.
I thought by now it would be easier, but it’s not.
I still search for signs of him. Ask Theo leading questions.
Ruminate over every interaction we’ve ever had.
I sometimes wish there were a pill I could take to forget him.
Paulie is floating in her inflatable sprinkled donut with built-in umbrella to protect her delicate skin.
I’m playfully splashing water around her when Georgie opens the back door off the kitchen.
She kicks off her sandals and sits at the side of pool, dangling her feet in the water.
Georgie doesn’t quite have the deep tan I’ve acquired this summer.
I bring Paulie over and we play for a bit, making obnoxious baby sounds together.
“Are you all done in there?” I ask.
“No.” She sighs. “Mom and Petra aren’t happy with the floral centerpieces.
Or the cake. We’re going out to meet with the vendors in about half an hour.
” She smiles at Paulie, who’s busy splashing water with her tiny, chubby hands.
Paulie grins and shows off her eight teeth.
The whole family has had to suffer through late nights and excessive crying because of those new teeth.
“Paulie’s going to need her nap soon. Petra said I could use Theo’s room.
I have my monitor, so if you don’t mind hanging around here until we get back? Theo is setting up the playpen now.”
I straighten while adjusting the straps of my bathing suit. “Theo is here?”
“Yeah. He just got back from work. He’s, ah…” She smiles, raising her brows without an ounce of subtlety.
“What?”
“You haven’t noticed?” Georgie asks, spinning Paulie’s donut around with her foot.
“Noticed what?”
Georgie drops her shoulders, tilting her head. “How hot he’s gotten. Like, I know I’m about to be a married woman and all, but damn, someone’s been hitting the gym.”
“He has a physical job, and he swims a lot,” I say, sticking to the facts like he’s an athlete I represent or something.
“You’d know, right? Spending all that time in the pool with him.”
“I don’t like him,” I say preemptively.
“I know.” She says it like she’s disappointed. “If you did, you wouldn’t wear those boring one-pieces all the time.”
“Like Dad would even let me wear anything else.”
“Dad doesn’t come here. He also doesn’t mind you hanging out with Theo.”
“Yeah. It’s kind of unsettling how lax he is around him. I guess you mellowed Mom and Dad out, or broke them.” I laugh.
Georgie studies my face, like I said something wrong.
“I guess from your perspective things do seem pretty good between us.”
“Am I missing something?”
Georgie nods for me to release Paulie from the flotation device while she grabs her a towel.
I lay Paulie on the lounger on top of her cupcake-patterned towel. She squirms, reaching for the pool, but I distract her with a toy.
Georgie gets to work like a pro, removing Paulie’s bathing suit and drying her before putting her in a fresh diaper.
I grab a summer onesie from the diaper bag and dress her while my sister tidies up, placing the wet swim diaper in a plastic grocery bag.
Then she pours warm milk from a thermos into a clean bottle.
It’s so seamless now. For both of us. There were times over the last year when at least two of the three of us would cry doing something this complicated.
“I’m going to miss this,” I say, as I pass Paulie to my sister.
Georgie is cradling Paulie while feeding her the bottle. “They don’t look at you the way they look at me.” The words are unexpected. My sister’s tone is stark, almost monotone. But she’s got my attention.
“You’re virginal,” she continues. “Pure. Angelic. They speak to you like you’re still worthy of their respect.
” She smiles sweetly at Paulie, whose eyelids are falling prey to the temptation of sleep.
“There may not be epic screaming matches anymore, but Dad’s strategy has never been as pedestrian as shouting.
His weapon of choice is more sophisticated.
Shame. Just one look and I knew exactly how much I had screwed up.
I could see through his eyes the depths of his disappointment in me.
That everything between us would be changed forever. ”
I know the look myself, though I’ve never been on the receiving end of one as intense as the one Georgie received.
“But don’t you think Paulie being here has fixed some of that? You can’t deny that Mom and Dad love Paulie. They’re practically obsessed with her,” I say, running a hand over the baby’s wet hair.
She shakes her head. “The damage is done. No matter how many years pass or how much good I do, he will never forgive me for sleeping with Zach before marriage. It wasn’t even about the pregnancy, Lennon,” she says, her eyes searching mine.
“It was the act behind it. He’s angry that I ignored all their lessons and warnings about premarital sex, and that I discovered the one thing he hoped we wouldn’t learn until we were married, if ever—that sex isn’t just about pregnancy, or for married couples to keep the husband satisfied.
The unforgivable sin is that I, his daughter, actually wanted it.
Because we’re not supposed to. We’re not supposed to grow up.
We’re not supposed to want to experience pleasure, with or without a partner.
That’s dirty. It’s bad,” she says, in a voice like his.
“So maybe you were surprised by how ‘well’ they took it, but you weren’t on the receiving end of those looks.
You didn’t suffer through the cold, blank stares when I said good morning to him.
You didn’t feel the pang that came with being ignored when I tried to talk to him about myself, my pregnancy, anything at all.
It’s emotional abuse, Lennon. I’m calling it what it is. ”