Chapter Twenty-Four September 3 #2
He was everything.
Every breath.
Every thought.
Every other beat of my heart.
There’s danger in allowing one person to be everything.
It leaves you with nothing when they’re gone.
When class is over, Mrs. Morales calls on the first chair orchestra students to sign out their instruments.
The rest of us will get our instruments tomorrow.
I got assigned the clarinet. Mrs. Morales said that because I would be the newest clarinetist, I’d be the last one in the section. Seated at the back. Thank god.
I turn to speak to John again, hopeful to catch up some more, but I eye Theo in the doorway, waiting for me. Or John. Or maybe…us?
“Did Theo talk to you?” I ask John as he begins to pack up. I can feel Theo’s gaze on us.
“About what?” John asks.
He doesn’t know. And now Theo is standing outside the classroom.
“Lennon,” Theo calls out, annoyance ringing through his voice.
I look at Theo and then at John. We can’t do it like this. We can’t tell him together. It isn’t fair.
“What does Theo want?” John asks. Because of course he doesn’t know how close we’ve gotten this summer.
To him, Theo waiting outside the classroom for me doesn’t make sense.
My feet stay planted as John nods to the door, like he wants us to head out together.
I can’t walk out that door and let him see Theo take my hand or kiss me. I won’t do that to him.
“I have to tell you something,” I say, ignoring Theo’s obvious growing irritation.
“What is it?” John asks, resting his bag on a chair.
“Lennon,” Theo calls again.
“Give me a second,” I say, my words cutting through my teeth. I narrow my eyes at Theo until they’re little slits, until he’s just a blur. I can’t believe him.
“What does Theo want from you?” John asks again.
I swallow, trying to find the words, but they catch in my throat. “Theo was supposed to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” When I don’t answer, he tilts his head to me and repeats himself. “Tell me what, Lennon?”
I have to say the words. I have to say them before Theo’s actions reveal the truth in a way that will hurt John. He needs to hear it from me first.
“Theo and I are together,” I finally say.
John’s face remains unchanged. He glances over his shoulder to Theo, then back at me, nodding slowly.
“Congrats,” he says with a slight shrug. “Is that all?”
Is that all?
I shake my head slightly, seeking realignment or something. “Yeah. That’s all.”
“As long as you’re happy, Lennon, I’m happy.”
“Do you mean that?” I ask, absentmindedly grabbing his arm.
He nods in response but I’m not sure I believe him. “I’ve got to run,” he says. I release my grip, moving back. “There’s a problem with my schedule and I have an appointment with Mr. Monroe to fix it.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He offers me a smile that feels foreign. Like it’s in a language I don’t understand.
John grabs his bag and swings it over his shoulder as he heads down the carpeted steps. He and Theo exchange something between a hug and a handshake while I watch, unmoored.
“You coming or what?” Theo calls again from the doorway once John has walked away.
I pick up my bag and come down to meet him, my feet fast, furious. “How could you do that?”
“Do what?” he asks, oblivious.
“I thought you were going to tell John about us.”
He raises his shoulders. “Guess I forgot.”
“Bullshit.”
“Lower your voice,” Theo says, stepping inside the now empty room and closing the door behind him.
“You did that on purpose. You wanted him to see us together,” I say, all but pointing my finger to his chest.
“I’m not that sinister, Hadid. Relax.”
“No? Then why didn’t you tell him?”
He looks away, a forced smirk on his face. “It slipped my mind.”
“I don’t believe you. He’s your best friend. Didn’t you think about his feelings?”
“What feelings?” he asks, his brows cinched together in an angry frown. “What exactly do you think the two of you had? You messed around a couple of times. It wasn’t that deep.”
A puff of air escapes me. “How would you know how deep or not deep it was between us?”
“Are you telling me you still having feelings for the guy?”
“Do you know how condescending you sound?”
“Hey. I’m not anything,” he says, patting his chest. “I’m just trying to figure out why my girlfriend is so concerned about my friend’s feelings.”
“He’s my friend too, Theo.”
“Apparently so.”
We stand in the music room, our voices trapped inside the four walls.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Theo asks again. This time his voice is raw.
There’s the truth and there’s the right answer. I give him the right answer. “No. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”
“It’s not that serious with guys, Len. Like, he wouldn’t have cared. For real.”
I don’t believe that. I don’t think Theo believes it either. But I also don’t want to fight about this anymore. Because if we do, I won’t be able to hold back.
The feelings I keep trying to bury away.
The feelings that won’t stop rising to the surface.
The truth.
The real, honest truth that revealed itself like a shock of cold water the second John took his seat next to me in class.
I still love John.
And at this point, I wonder if I always will.