Chapter Twenty-Five October 8
Chapter Twenty-five
“What’s wrong with you?” Theo asks, pulling away from our kiss.
We’re in his bedroom. My parents think I’m at the library. His mom is working the night shift at the hospital. Sneaking around doesn’t even really feel like sneaking around anymore. It’s gotten too easy. Stale. And it’s only October.
“You kiss too hard,” I say, the words slipping out.
His face contorts while simultaneously turning red. “Are you saying you don’t like kissing me?”
“No. I’m just saying you need to ease up on the tongue.”
Theo rolls off me, staring up at his bedroom ceiling. “Didn’t realize I was kissing an expert.” Just as quickly, he turns on his side, resting his head on one hand. “How many guys have you kissed?”
“What does it matter?” I ask, pulling my shirt down.
“It doesn’t. Forget it,” he says, releasing an obnoxiously loud breath.
I turn on my side, mirroring his pose. “Is John mad at you? Because he stopped sitting next to me in class and hasn’t spoken a word to me since I told him about us.”
“I don’t think John’s mad at me. And even if he is, he’ll get over it.”
Said just like a guy who doesn’t overthink everything.
“Hey.” Theo pulls me closer to him, a playful smile tugging at his lips. “When are we going to move beyond this?”
“What do you mean by ‘this’?” I ask.
He sighs and lies back on his bed, his hands clasped together at his chest. “All we ever do is kiss.”
“That’s not true,” I say quietly.
“Okay. Once in a while you let me touch you under your shirt. I’m not sure what happened between us.
We started off hot and now it’s like we’re in a Disney movie or some shit.
” He flips to his side again, a look of vulnerability on his stunningly handsome face.
“Are you not attracted to me? Did I do something wrong the last time we…?” He nods to my lower half.
“No. I am attracted to you. It’s just complicated.” I sit up, tucking my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
“Tell me.” He sits up too, crossing his legs.
“You’ll think I’m fucked in the head.”
“Try me,” he says, sweeping his thumb over my cheeks.
I nod, taking in a breath and letting it out slowly. “Sometimes when we’re together, like together together, I feel guilty.”
“Because we’re sneaking around?”
“It goes deeper than that.” I pick at my fingernails, and he takes my hand, stopping me from hurting myself.
“Is it, like, faith-based guilt?” he asks, which is pretty intuitive, but I shouldn’t be surprised since he is an altar boy.
“No.” I shake my head. “At least, I don’t think so.” He strokes my hand and looks up at me, patiently waiting for me to continue. “It’s kind of hard to explain. Like, it’s not you I feel guilty about, it’s the act.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sometimes overcome with these feelings of shame and guilt when I give in to temptation.
It can be so overpowering that I can’t let myself enjoy it.
” I can’t believe I’m saying these words out loud.
Andie doesn’t even know about this. Probably because this is the first time I’ve ever tried articulating these feelings to another person.
“Where does this come from?”
“My dad.”
He tilts his head, confused.
“It’s not what you think. I don’t tell him about us or talk about my sex life. God. Eww.”
We both laugh.
“It’s just the messaging I’ve grown up with,” I say. “Good girls don’t have premarital sex. Good girls don’t even think about sex. Good girls definitely don’t do what we did in your bedroom on Labor Day.”
“Oh.” He nods, taking my words in, almost like he understands. “So because you sometimes feel bad about doing those things, now you don’t want to do them anymore?”
I’m not sure how to answer this question, because some days the answer is yes, I don’t want to do those things anymore, or at least I convince myself I don’t.
Like, if I stop, I can wipe the slate clean.
And other times, my curiosity and hormones win.
Especially when he’s being sweet and understanding, like right now.
But when he comes at me, like my body is just a means to an end for him, it reinforces all those doubts. It also makes me feel icky.
“I think maybe in order for me to move past that mental roadblock, I have to first feel safe,” I say.
“I don’t make you feel safe?”
“No. I mean, yes, you do.”
His expression falls. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.”
I don’t blame him. I’m not making any sense.
I wasn’t like this with John. Sure, sometimes I felt a bit guilty after, but never enough to hold back. Never enough to stop myself from experiencing pleasure. Never enough to try and convince myself I’d quit sex altogether. What makes things so different with Theo?
“Tell me what you want,” I ask. “I won’t be mad. I just need to know what it is you want us to do together.”
He raises his shoulders, his cheeks turning pink. “Everything.”
“And if I can’t give you everything?”
“I’m not going to lie. The physical aspect of relationships is important to me.
In the past, that’s all I’ve ever really had.
I think we have a strong enough foundation that this stuff shouldn’t matter so much, but if I’m being honest,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, “because of that, it makes me want to be with you even more. So it’s hard not being able to express that with you in the way I want to. ”
“I think I understand,” I say, biting on my lower lip. “What about a compromise?”
“I’m listening.”
“Everything but sex.”
“Everything?” There’s a light back in his eyes.
“For now.”
He leans in, running his hands through my hair before kissing me softly. “Is that better?” he asks, looking to me for approval.
“Yes.”
“I want you to feel safe with me, Lennon.”
The intensity of this moment makes it so I have to force myself to look into his eyes.
But it’s not easy. Right now, I want to be anywhere but here.
I’m not sure if I’m capable of being in such a mature relationship.
Sometimes I think I only want this so that I can prove to everyone, including myself, that I’m normal.
Theo takes my hand and squeezes it, breaking me out of my thoughts. “I love you.”
My throat catches at his declaration. Love?
How is that possible? I’m nowhere near perfect, but I pride myself on not lying about the big, important things.
Since I can’t say the words that he wants me to, and because I don’t want to ruin this moment of closeness, I lie down and allow myself to connect with Theo on a deeper, more physical level.
I do everything in my power to stay in the moment and be present.
Reminding myself that this is okay. That he loves me.
That my parents love him. That so many girls would kill to be in my place.
That if I can just get past this wall, maybe there will be something waiting for me on the other side.
The peace and calm I am so desperate to find.
After a few minutes, I’m able to dissociate enough from the thoughts in my head to be there for Theo in the way he so desperately needs me to be. I just wish I wanted it as much as he did.