PENN
I fucked up.
And I don’t mean I forgot to take the trash out.
I mean I literally fucked up. I look over at my silent, drawn wife in the passenger seat.
She’s tense with her shoulders pulled up, her hands bound together in her lap, and her lips pursed.
I would give anything to take back my reaction, but there's no way I’ll be able to erase it.
I reach for Aria, but at the last minute, I drop my hand to the console between us. “Aria.”
She shakes her head stiffly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
It’s not only the words that break me; it's the sound of her voice. It’s as if she’s given up. “We should probably…”
She turns in her seat, her eyes piercing daggers at me. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. You had your say. I heard you loud and clear. You don’t want to have kids with me.”
She turns back in her seat and looks out the front window again. “I mean, I can’t even begin to act like I understand. We’re married, and since the beginning we’ve talked about having kids… having a family… and you’ve changed your mind.”
“I didn’t—” I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
She holds her hand up. “Stop. If we keep talking about this, I’m going to cry, and the last thing I need is to fall apart in front of your family.”
“Our family. They’re our family, Aria, and you know it.”
She nods. “Yeah, they’re our family, but I’ve kept this hidden from them.
All our troubles and how you’ve been pulling away from me, I’ve tried to keep that all away from them.
” She takes a deep breath and lets it out.
“And if I go in there crying, everyone is going to know.” She leans her head back on the seat.
“I should have just stayed home and skipped this.”
I shake my head. “No, you shouldn’t have. Everyone in the family is going to be there, and you’re part of this family. You belong there as much as I do.”
She opens her mouth and then closes it quickly. She looks out the passenger side window, and I know it’s useless to try and talk to her now. She’s not listening and doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. Fuck, can I blame her? I don’t even want to be around me.
We get across town, and I’m driving up the gravel driveway to Ozzy’s ranch.
We’re late, and everyone else is already here.
It seems they’re all waiting on us. I can see Aria sit up a little straighter, pulling her shoulders back and pasting a smile to her face.
She wasn’t kidding. She really has been hiding our troubles from the family.
I park next to Guy’s SUV. “Looks like Guy was able to make it.”
She just hums her agreement.
I undo my seatbelt. “You ready for this?”
Without looking at me, she reaches for the door. “As ready as I’m going to be.”
She gets out before I can go around and open the door for her. We meet at the front of the car and walk up to the front porch where everyone is gathered.
Zach is standing behind Skyler with his hands on her shoulders, and the second he sees us, his eyes narrow on me. I don’t blame him. He’s protective of his wife, and Skyler is looking at Aria like she knows something is wrong.
Which, of course, she does. Everyone probably does.
“About time,” Guy calls out from the porch steps. “I thought for sure you would have had some kind of emergency and ducked out on us.”
Miller laughs, and Logan shakes his head. Ozzy just stands off to the side, arms crossed over his chest, watching me like he can see straight through me. “We’ve been waiting on you,” he says, staring at me.
I force a smile. “You could have started without me.”
“Wouldn’t have been as much fun,” Guy says. “Plus I want to see the doctor get his hands dirty.”
I glance around the porch. “Where’s Eli?” Miller and Lindsey’s son loves family get-togethers, and I’m surprised he’s not here today.
“With Mom and Dad,” Miller says.
Lindsey smiles and leans into his side. “I’m sure he’s being spoiled and loving every second of it as we speak.”
Miller wraps an arm around her. “No doubt. Mom already had pancakes waiting when we dropped him off.”
Guy grins. “So what I’m hearing is Eli got the better deal.”
“Absolutely,” Lindsey says. “He’s probably eating on a tray in the living room and watching cartoons while the rest of you are about to work.”
For a second, everyone laughs, and I try to join in, but my wife is still standing stiffly at my side.
Zach leans down and kisses Skyler’s temple. “And speaking of taking it easy, you are not doing anything today.”
Skyler rolls her eyes. “I’m pregnant, Zach. I’m not helpless.”
“Nope.” Zach points toward the house. “You are going inside, sitting in the air-conditioning, putting your feet up, and letting everyone wait on you.”
She opens her mouth, but he keeps going. “And before you argue with me, I already recruited backup.” He looks at Aria, Bree, and Lindsey. “Ladies, I’m trusting you to make sure my wife doesn’t lift anything heavier than a glass of sweet tea.”
Bree smiles. “I can handle that.”
Lindsey nods. “Same.”
Aria laughs softly, and the sound hits me in the chest. I’ve missed that sound.
Zach cups Skyler’s face and kisses her, not caring that all of us are watching. “I love you. Go rest.”
Skyler’s face softens. “Bossy.”
“Only with you.”
Logan wraps an arm around Bree and presses a kiss to her mouth. “Don’t let Skyler talk you into anything.”
Bree gives him a look. “I think I can handle your sister.”
Miller kisses Lindsey next, low and quick, but the way he looks at her says everything.
I glance at Aria. Any other time, I would pull her close and kiss her too. I would whisper something in her ear and make her blush before the women disappeared inside.
But she won’t even look at me. Her eyes are on Skyler, and her fake smile is back in place. She’s trying to act as if everything is okay, but they all see through it. I can tell by the worried look on each of their faces.
I take a step toward her anyway. “Aria—”
She moves before I can touch her, walking up the porch steps with the women.
None of the other women seem to notice, but from the way Ozzy’s jaw tightens, he does.
“Come on,” Ozzy says, turning toward the barn. “We’ve got work to do.”
The men follow him across the yard, and I fall into step beside Logan. I can feel his eyes on me, but he doesn’t say anything.
Guy is the first to break the silence. “So what exactly are we doing today? Because if it involves shoveling anything, I suddenly remembered I have a very important baseball thing.”
Ozzy doesn’t even look back. “You’re fixing fence.”
Guy groans. “That sounds worse than shoveling.”
“It is,” Miller says.
Zach laughs, but the sound fades as we get closer to the barn. The second we step inside, Ozzy turns on me. “What are you doing?”
I stop. “What?” Did I miss something? I thought I was paying attention, but honestly, my thoughts are still back with my wife and what happened this morning.
Ozzy points toward the house. “With Aria.”
Everything in me goes still.
Logan crosses his arms over his chest. Miller leans against one of the stalls, his face serious now. Zach stays quiet, but he’s watching me closely, and even Guy stops smirking.
So this is how it’s going to be.
I let out a breath and look away. “This isn’t the time.”
Ozzy takes a step toward me. “Then when is the time? Because your wife looks like she’s one bad word away from crying, and you’re walking around like you don’t see it.”
My jaw tightens. “I see it.”
“Then what the hell are you doing?”
I look at him. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His face hardens. “Then tell me.”
The barn goes quiet. For one second, I almost do.
I could tell them everything. I could tell them that I’m so jealous of Miller that he has his son now or how hard it is seeing Skyler round with a baby, knowing that I can never give that to Aria and it’s the one thing she wants more than anything.
I can tell them that I’m losing myself because I know I should leave Aria but I don’t have the strength to do it.
But I can’t say any of those things because Aria doesn’t know. And if she finds out my brothers knew before she did, I’ll lose whatever piece of her I have left.
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
Logan pushes off the wall. “You can’t, or you won’t?”
I look at him. “Both.”
Guy lets out a low whistle. “That’s not good, man.”
“No shit,” I snap.
Miller studies me. He’s always been quieter than the rest of us, but he sees more than most. “Is there someone else?”
My head jerks back. “No. How can you ask me that? I love my wife.”
Zach’s eyes narrow. “Aria thinks there is.”
He might as well have put a fist to my ribs. “She thought that for about five minutes, and I cleared it up.”
“Did you?” Ozzy asks.
I glare at him. “Yes.”
“Then why does she still look broken?”
My hands curl into fists at my sides. “Because there are things going on between me and my wife that none of you know about.”
Ozzy doesn’t back down. “Then fix them.”
“You think I don’t want to?”
“I think you’re doing a damn good job of making her sad.”
I flinch, but he doesn’t stop. “She’s been part of this family for seven years, Penn. She shows up, and she loves all of us. She helps Skyler, Bree, Lindsey, Mom, Dad. She goes to all of Eli’s games. Hell, she probably knows more about what’s going on with everyone than we do.”
“I know that.”
“Then start acting like it,” Ozzy says. “Because every time I see her lately, she looks like she’s trying not to fall apart.”
I look toward the house, and even though I can’t see her from here, I know what he’s saying is true. “I messed up.”
Logan huffs. “That’s obvious.”
I shoot him a look, but he doesn’t care.
“What happened?” Miller asks.
I drag a hand through my hair. “She told me she was ovulating.”
Zach’s eyebrows lift, but he stays quiet.
“And I reacted badly,” I admit.
“How badly?” Guy asks.
I swallow, hating myself all over again. “Bad enough that she asked if I still wanted kids with her.”
No one says anything for a second.
Then Ozzy mutters, “Jesus, Penn.”
“I know.”
Logan shakes his head. “Do you?”
I turn on him. “Yeah, Logan. I do.”
“Then why?” Miller asks.
I hesitate, not knowing how to answer without telling him the truth.
I look down at the dirt floor of the barn. “I panicked.”
Ozzy’s voice is quieter when he asks, “About having kids?”
My throat tightens, and I don’t answer.
Logan takes a step closer. “Penn.”
“I said I can’t talk about it.”
“Bullshit,” Logan snaps. “You’re our brother.”
“And she’s my wife,” I fire back. “Whatever this is, whatever happens, she deserves to know before any of you do.”
The words are out before I can stop them. Everyone goes still, and they’re all staring at me. Ozzy’s expression shifts from anger to worry.
Miller’s eyes narrow on me. “So there is something.”
I let out a hard breath. “Yes.”
Guy’s face loses the last bit of humor. “Something bad?”
I look toward the open barn doors wishing I could escape, but I know if I try, my brothers would just tackle me to the ground until I told them something.
“Bad enough,” I say.
Zach crosses his arms. “Does it hurt Aria?”
I blow out a breath. “It already has.” And with that, it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest.
Ozzy stares at me for a long second. “Then why the hell are you standing here with us instead of telling her?”
I stare at my brother. He knows loss better than any of us, and he has warned me over and over to hold on tightly to my wife.
But this is different. By keeping her, I’m hurting her.
And that’s the last thing I want to do. Instead of saying any of that, I shrug. “I’m trying to do what’s best for her.”
Ozzy laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “No, you’re not. You’re doing what’s easiest for you.”
I step toward him. “You don’t know that.”
“I know fear when I see it.”
That shuts me up. Because he’s right. I am scared of losing my wife.
Ozzy’s jaw tightens, and for a second, I see the grief he carries every damn day.
He looks toward the house, then back at me.
“You still have a wife to fight for,” he says.
“You still have a woman who is standing right there, waiting for you to choose her. Don’t confuse pushing her away with protecting her. ”
My chest tightens. “I’m trying not to hurt her.”
“But you are.”
The words hang between us, and I look away because I can’t argue with that.
Logan softens a little. “Penn, whatever it is, you can’t keep letting her think it’s her fault.”
My eyes close because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve made her feel like she’s unwanted or that she’s the problem. Heck, she’s wondered if I was cheating on her or if I even love her.
Miller’s voice is quieter. “If it’s bad enough to wreck you like this, it’s bad enough that she needs to know.”
“I know,” I say.
“Do you?” Ozzy asks.
I open my eyes and look at him.
He’s glaring at me. “Because from where I’m standing, you’re acting like a man who has already lost her and she’s not even gone yet.”
Those words hit harder than anything else.
Ozzy grabs a pair of gloves off the workbench and throws them at my chest. I catch them. “Since you need to protect your hands, I have you organizing the tack room.” He looks at the others. “You all are hauling hay and mending fences.”
Guy rolls his eyes. “What about my hands? I need to be able to swing a bat, ya know.”
Ozzy laughs. “It’s the off season. You’re okay. Plus, you got those muscles, might as well put them to good use.”
Guy groans. Miller and Logan laugh.
Zach points toward the house. “I’m checking on Skyler before we start.”
Ozzy points at him. “You told her not to move. Give her five minutes before you start to hover.”
Zach doesn’t look even slightly sorry. “She’s carrying my baby. I’m going to hover.”
Ozzy groans, but it’s lighthearted. Honestly, we’re all happy about the way Zach takes care of our baby sister.
Ozzy walks past me, then stops at my shoulder. His voice drops low enough that only I can hear him. “You better figure it out, Penn. Because if she walks away, you’re going to deserve it.”
He keeps walking, and I stand there with his words sitting heavily in my chest. I know he’s right.
I’ve spent the last year and a half telling myself I’m protecting Aria and that’s why I put a wall up between us.
I thought by doing so it would make it easier for her to leave when the truth comes out.
But after this morning, I know I’m not protecting her. If anything, I’m breaking her.