Chapter 35
NOW
Late August
Wednesday
I pressed the button, releasing the exterior door, and waited for Ryan to push the door open and disappear off the intercom screen.
I remained in the hallway, not sure what to do as I waited for him to come up the stairs.
It felt weird buzzing him in and standing at the door to the flat, waiting to let him in.
My gaze drifted to the two sets of keys hanging side by side on their hooks beside the door.
His key hadn’t moved since the day he’d left.
I flinched at the knock on the door, even though I’d been expecting it.
He was here.
I took a shaky breath, trying to settle the apprehension that welled in my stomach. The last few times I’d seen him he’d been cold and distant.
And yet now he was here…
Which version of him was about to walk through the door?
The one who’d walked out?
The one who’d treated me with hostility and contempt in the days since?
The one who’d betrayed me to Charlotte, exposing my social media stalking to her?
Or the one who’d loved me once?
I flicked the latch and pulled the door open, acutely aware of my facial expression. Should I smile? Be serious? Sympathetic? What was the appropriate greeting here?
‘Hey,’ I said, keeping my tone flat.
He looked at me for a moment before speaking, a tired weariness radiating from him. ‘It’s good to see you, Kirsty.’
I hesitated for a moment, unsure how to respond to that. In the end I simply stepped back, allowing him entry and closing the door behind him.
He walked straight into the living room and dropped on the sofa in the space that had once been his.
It felt familiar.
Too familiar.
As though he still belonged here.
‘Cup of tea?’ I asked.
Make us a nice cup of tea. You’re good at that.
Janine’s voice accompanied my offer.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t need anything, thanks. Other than to be here with you.’ He closed his eyes and relaxed into the back of the sofa.
He looked different to the man I’d encountered in the gym car park. Then, he’d been tense and preoccupied. Now he looked calm.
‘How are you doing?’
It felt the wrong question to ask, but what was the right one?
Ryan puffed out his cheeks and blew out a slow breath. ‘It’s been a strange day.’
I waited for more, but it didn’t come.
I searched his face for something familiar. Some clue to what he was thinking. I used to be able to read the silences between us. The things he couldn’t quite bring himself to say aloud. But now…
He felt more closed off than ever. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. About Charlotte. Her death.
Me.
Guilt churned in the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t about me. Once again, our lives had somehow become about her.
They were supposed to be together. A couple. Which implied he loved her.
Maybe more than he’d loved me.
I pushed that thought away.
I should be sympathetic. He needed a friend right now. He needed me.
Of course Charlotte was important to him. He’d known her for years. She was young. Her death was tragic.
Even if it didn’t feel that way to me.
‘What happened?’ I asked tentatively, as I sank down on the opposite end of the sofa. It felt cruel to ask him for details. To make him relive the loss. The pain. But I needed to know. Needed to be sure.
Ryan shook his head. ‘She must have been thrown,’ he said, repeating what he’d told me on the phone.
‘From Atlas?’
‘Yeah.’ Ryan ran his hand through his hair. ‘It doesn’t make sense.’
There was something strangely comforting hearing him acknowledge that. And yet it didn’t change anything.
‘I guess you just never know what might happen,’ Ryan said.
Something within me tightened.
His words sounded strangely detached. Almost dismissive.
Charlotte had died. His girlfriend. The woman he’d once planned a future with. And yet… Instead of being crushed beneath grief, he seemed lighter somehow. And I couldn’t ignore the shift between us.
He was here. With me. That had to mean something. Didn’t it?
I could almost let myself believe the last five days hadn’t happened. That Ryan had never left. Almost.
He was acting as though he belonged here. Familiar. Comfortable. In the place he’d stormed out of.
He reached for my hand. My gaze dropped and I stared at his fingers intertwined with mine. It felt like it had before.
Before he left me.
Before he chose her.
I pulled my hand free and stood up. ‘Why are you here?’
Ryan blinked as his hand dropped to the sofa. ‘I needed to see you. I missed you.’
‘You left me,’ I reminded him, unable to keep the accusatory tone from my words.
‘It was a mistake,’ he said without hesitation.
‘It wasn’t a mistake yesterday.’
‘That was…’ Ryan shrugged helplessly.
I turned my back to him, the action taking all my strength. It would be so easy to fall into his arms, tell him how much I still loved him. Tell him nothing else mattered.
But it did. Maybe not to him. But to me.
‘You’re in shock,’ I said quietly. ‘Losing Charlotte so suddenly. So unexpectedly—’
‘You’re wrong.’ Ryan’s voice was adamant and fiery.
‘You’re not thinking straight right now,’ I said, keeping my back to him.
‘This isn’t about her,’ he said, placing his hands on my shoulders and pivoting me to face him. ‘It should never have been about her.’ His eyes met mine and I felt myself drawn into his gaze. ‘But she’s gone now.’