30. Raina
30
RAINA
I d always hated hospitals, but now I knew why.
Everything here sucked.
Wait. No. That technically wasn t true. I d only been awake a day, and this seemed like a very nice, clean, and pleasant place. The nurses were complete angels. They helped me get everything I asked for. And the doctor could use a better bedside manner, but he seemed to really know his shit because my mind felt clearer with every passing hour.
But I was still absolutely miserable. Nothing in my body felt comfortable. It was as if I were a brand-new inhabitant in my own skin. Sometimes my hands and arms didn t work right. My vision still got blurry and left me dizzy and almost wondering if I was upright or lying down. And my head. God, it ached constantly. Plus, my throat felt raw enough to make me wonder if I d swallowed a cup full of sand. And I was beyond ready to have this catheter out of me.
I really wanted to go home. I wanted to be able to walk and move on my own, and I wanted to mourn my sister in peace.
That had to be the worst part. Every time I thought of her and cried, someone was always there , and it was driving me crazy. Couldn t a girl just curl into a ball and weep in peace by herself for a few minutes?
I couldn t believe Kinsey was just…gone, though. She d been the most alive person I d ever known.
It felt so wrong.
Shivering over this new reality, I stared at the doorway to my room, wishing with all my might for her to just cross the threshold and tell me the news of her death had been nothing but a bad joke.
But the only person who entered was my nurse.
Good morning, sweet Raina, she greeted with a big, encouraging smile, only to shake her head. Man, it is so nice to see you awake and alert. I hear we re going to try walking today. Or at least standing.
I nodded as she started to take my vitals, listening to my heart and lungs. The doctor was just here, I told her. He said my brain function was doing well, but I think he was most surprised about the fact that I didn t have any bed sores.
Miss Darlene only scoffed as she wrapped the stethoscope around her neck and then pulled out a thermometer. Well, I would ve been surprised if you did have any, she told me as she swiped the reader across my brow to take my temperature. As often as that boyfriend of yours was here, bending and moving your arms and legs to keep you exercised and limber, you should be in better shape than me.
Boyfriend? I repeated in confusion.
Pulling out the blood pressure cuff next, she said, Yeah, that cutie football star of yours.
I blinked. You mean, Foster ?
Yes. Him. Chuckling over my surprise, she shook her head as she strapped Velcro around my arm. Who else did you think I was talking about?
But he—he s not my boyfriend.
Was he?
The nurse only laughed. You sure he knows that?
But— I shook my head as she pumped air into the cuff and choked my arm. What even makes you think so?
Darlene lifted her eyebrows at me in censure, only to motion to the table full of balloons and stuffed animals and cards stationed against the wall. You mean, other than the fact that he brought you most of that stuff over there?
I frowned at the assortment of get-wells and shook my head in confusion. Really?
Yes, ma am. And he visited more than anyone else, plus one of my coworkers caught him sneaking in after-hours just to see you. Heck, he even found a blood clot in your leg the rest of us had missed. You might not be here today if it weren t for him.
Weird. I blinked around the room, trying to make sense of that before just straight-up admitting, That doesn t make any sense. I don t even know Foster Union.
Well. She shrugged. I just know he s one dedicated fellow. If he isn t your boyfriend, I recommend you tie him down and make him yours before he gets away.
After she finished her checkup and left again, I returned my attention to the goodies people had brought me. I wished I could get up and walk over to inspect them closer, but apparently , I had to wait until my team arrived to help me. If I tried again on my own, they were going to restrain me to the bed. That was the last thing I wanted.
Huffing out my impatience, I slapped my hands down onto the sheets beside me, only to get distracted by some of the stuffed animals over there. There really were some cute ones, like a yellow and black bee with tentacles and wings, and oh… That horse was just precious. I was going to name him Stetson. If Foster had picked him out, he had some damn fine taste.
Kinsey always made fun of my continued love of stuffed animals, but?—
But nothing. Kins was gone. She wouldn t be making fun of anything ever again.
Swallowing hard, I turned my attention to the ceiling as tears clogged my lashes.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Kinsey was gone, and Foster Union was here .
Maybe I was still in a coma. God, I hoped so. And when I woke up, Kinsey would be okay and?—
Well, I might not mind dating Foster, but I d at least like to meet him first. I mean, meet him when I wasn t just coming out of a hazy, two-week sleep where everything was scary and confusing. I really wished he hadn t been present for that part. I d rather be all dolled up and looking my best like I had the last night Kinsey and I had?—
Holy shit.
Flashes of taking shots with her in my apartment and spraying her down with my perfume filled my head.
My temples pulsed with pain as I recalled the ride we d taken to Oaklynn s house and then the drinking and my sister leaving me to hook up with some guy. And then—then I d met a guy. Except he d agreed to send me to where Foster was. And Kinsey and I had gotten into the back of a car together.
But after that, I couldn t remember anything else.
Covering my mouth with both hands, I started to cry.
This was all my fault, wasn t it? My obsession with some boy I didn t even know had gotten so far out of hand that I d driven my sister straight into her grave. My beautiful, vivacious, outgoing Kinsey.
Oh God. What had I done?
I was breathing heavily and about to hyperventilate when the captain walked into the room, letting me know visiting hours must ve begun.
Pookie? he greeted in alarm, hurrying to my side so he could take my fingers and squeeze while simultaneously pressing a hand to my brow. What s wrong?
It s my fault, I wept, shaking my head as I looked up at him with desperation that begged for forgiveness. It s all my fault that she died. I remember it now. I remember everything .
No, he assured me in a kind but stern voice. None of this was your fault. Do you hear me, Ray-Ray? Look into my eyes.
I did, but as soon as I met his watery but understanding gaze, my lashes flooded even more. Captain…
Listen to me. Squeezing my fingers even harder, he leaned down to meet my gaze. You did not cause this.
But you don t know, I insisted, shaking my head. You don t know what I did.
What did you do? he asked. You wanted to meet a boy, so you dragged Kinsey into the back of a rideshare that wrecked on the way there? Is that what you were going to say?
Y-yes. I pulled my face back and blinked at him in confusion before rasping, But—how did you…?
He sighed and smoothed a hand over my hair. Foster told me everything.
Foster ? I shook my head.
The captain nodded. He was here at the hospital when I arrived the first time, just after your accident. And that kid... Man. Shaking his head, he blew out a long breath. I don t know how I would ve made it through that day without him being there, guiding me along.
I blinked at him one more time before repeating, Foster Union ?
The captain only chuckled and gave me another nod to confirm it. The football star, yes. His friends told him about the accident and how you d been on your way to meet him, so I think he was hanging around out of guilt and felt responsible for what happened to you, so…
I glanced dazedly toward the balloons, finally understanding.
So that was why he d done everything.
Out of guilt.
Well, I didn t like that. I had my own guilt and feelings of responsibility to deal with. I didn t want to have to deal with his too and make him feel better by letting him come in here and—and try to make up for Kinsey s death by being nice and accommodating. He hadn t done any of this because he actually liked or cared for me. The dude didn t even know me.
And here, on my end, my sister was dead because of a stupid crush that I couldn t just stop. I kind of never wanted to see Foster Union again and be reminded of what an idiot I was.
Next to me, the captain just kept gushing, though. That boy s a damn godsend, I m telling you. He blew out a breath. He made sure I ate; he helped distract me when I didn t want to think about everything going on. Then, he introduced me to his parents so I could have someone to talk to about losing…
Sending me a grief-stricken look, he declared, He s just an all-around good kid.
I stared at him a moment longer before asking just one more time to be sure, Foster Union ?
Foster had introduced his parents to my father?
That went a little bit beyond guilty conscience, didn t it?
This was so confusing. And I was tired of being confused. Everything else was disorienting enough as it was. Why couldn t just one thing make sense?
Before the captain could respond, Darlene re-entered the room, along with what I guessed was my physical rehabilitation team.
Hey there, Raina, one of the guys waved to introduce himself. My name s Chad, and I m going to help you walk again. How s that sound?
Like the best news I ve heard all day, I admitted honestly, forgetting everything else and sitting up straighter.
He chuckled. Great. So… He rubbed his hands together eagerly. You ready to get started?
Was I ever! I whipped the blanket off my lap and turned sideways on my bed to swing my legs over the side, which made everyone laugh.
I think she s ready, the captain answered for me.
They brought me a walker and crowded close. I swear, six people gathered around, just standing there, waiting for me to fall on my face.
Even Chad seemed doubtful that I d have much luck.
Just remember, he said. It s been a few weeks since you ve done this. Your muscles have depleted enough of their mass that you might only be working with twenty to forty percent of the strength you re used to. And also —he winced— that part of your brain that knows how to use these muscles might ve been damaged. So don t be disheartened if nothing happens the first time. Right now, I d be pleased if you could even stand on your own.
I nodded, more determined than ever to prove him wrong. I was going to stand. Hell, I was going to walk; I just knew it.
Except when I reached out my arms to grip the rails of the walker, my right arm took a bit of prodding from the ol brain to actually work right.
Not a great start.
Gritting my teeth, I glanced around to see the expressions around me turn doubtful.
Well, hold my ice chips, fellas, and watch this shit. Raina Bollen was about to fucking walk.
I latched my fingers around the walker in a death grip and hoisted myself up.
Only to put the slightest amount of weight on my knees and crumple like a deck of cards.
Fuck .
A dozen different hands caught me, keeping me from landing on the tile. Whoa, there. Hey! Chad cooed as everyone eased me back on the bed. Back down we go.
Frustration rose hotly inside me because I couldn t do something so simple.
I hated this.
Hands fisted at my sides, I took a moment to control the overwhelming flood of fury I felt before I looked up. Again.
Pookie, the captain started hesitantly, shaking his head severely against the idea.
But Chad nodded, smiling at me in approval. Okay, he answered. One more time can t hurt.
Determined to let my anger boost me along, I grabbed the walker a little more savagely, and I gritted my teeth as I boosted myself up with more speed and every last bit of strength I had, only to wilt at the very same point I had before.
Dammit! I screeched and kicked at the walker as soon as they had me seated again. But it bumped into an orderly who hissed out a pained breath and jumped away.
Guilt swiftly took over the rage.
Sorry. God, I m so sorry. Then I burst into mortified tears. I can t do anything right.
Okay, she s had enough, the captain told everyone else, who agreed immediately.
The moment only my father and I were left in the room, he sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
I hate this. I hate this so much, I sobbed. I want to walk again. I want Kinsey back. I want to go home.
I know, Pookie Bear. I know. He kissed my temple, and I leaned my head over to rest on his shoulder. But we re going to get through this, he assured. Slowly and steadily, we re going to be just fine again.
I closed my eyes and nodded, soaking in his familiar aftershave. Glad that I at least still had him , I reached out blindly to clutch the front of his shirt, and he covered the back of my hand with his worn, leathery palm.
When I heard shoes on the floor as someone new entered my room, I burrowed closer to the captain, not ready for anyone else right now.
And the captain must ve known that. He tightened his arm around me and quietly told the visitor. Not a good time.
Okay, sure, I heard a male voice answer. A voice I d been infatuated with since the first semester I d come to Haverick when I d heard him give an interview over the radio. I still remembered, clear as day, thinking, damn, he had a nice voice to go with that billboard smile of his .
I ll come back later.
But I growled, No.
Raina? the captain murmured in alarm.
When I opened my eyes to glare at the boy in the doorway, Foster froze and blinked at me. There was a stuffed animal in his hand with a floating balloon attached. He looked so surprised by my command as if I d kicked an innocent, sweet puppy.
But I just couldn t.
I don t want you to come back. Ever , I bit out.
As Foster s face went chalk white, and he sank a step away, my own father shook his head. Now, let s not be too hasty, he told me quietly. You re upset right now and?—
I know what I m saying, I snapped, scowling at him for making me explain myself. He was supposed to be on my side.
But clearly, the Foster Union daze had claimed him too.
Turning my attention back to the devastated-looking football star, I managed to soften my tone before saying, I heard about everything you did, especially for my dad, and I appreciate it, but I don t think I can… Shaking my head when words failed me, I finished with, I can t do this.
He squinted in confusion, but the captain was the one who said, Do what , sweetheart?
I don t know! I snapped a little too sharply, and when Foster flinched and took another step back, I said, Look, I m sorry. I m not trying to be mean. But I know why you keep coming back here. You feel responsible for what happened, and you re trying to appease your guilt, but I— I feel guilty too. And I can t handle yours on top of that. I can t even look at you without thinking that Kinsey would still be here if I d just—if I d only—God.
When a sob worked up my throat and took over, pain filled Foster s face and he stepped forward as if he wanted to comfort me, but I held up my hand, stopping him.
Which worked almost too well. He froze, and his throat worked as he swallowed.
Pressing a hand to my chest, I ignored the tears that slid down my cheeks. I got her killed because I just had to meet you so badly. My obsession for some boy was more important to me than my own sister s life.
He shook his head and opened his mouth to argue that point, but I kept talking.
I would ve done anything to get to meet you, but now—now I… Just thinking about you brings me this fresh reminder all over again that I no longer have a sister. Because of my own silly?—
No, the captain insisted, shaking my shoulder briefly. Pookie, you didn t do anything wrong.
It doesn t matter, I answered hollowly, even as my gaze stayed firmly on Foster. I still can t?—
I get it, Foster broke in quietly with an accepting nod. Red rings formed around his eyes, and he rasped, I understand completely. I m going.
He started to back away some more, and my heart hurt.
I m sorry, I told him, feeling like crap for kicking him out but also needing him gone more than I needed my next breath.
No, it s okay, he assured with a wave of his hand. Then he sent me a watery smile and whispered, Take care, before he turned and hurried away.
A strange loss filled me with his departure. I wanted to be relieved—I didn t have to deal with him anymore—but it felt too much like I d just made a huge mistake.
Turning to look up at the captain, I asked, Did I just mess up?
No, he assured me softly, but his smile was too sympathetic and full of achy regret. You told him how you felt, and you were more than kind about it. I reckon he really does understand, too. He lost a sibling when he was a kid. He knows how much space you need right now more than anyone.
But hearing that only made me feel worse. The captain was right; Foster had lost a brother. Maybe all his visits hadn t just been about guilt. I could ve been a kindred spirit he could relate to now. And I d just kicked him out on his ass.
Bursting into renewed tears, I started crying even harder.