31. Foster
31
FOSTER
V ertigo swamped me as I started for the elevator, focusing so hard on the shiny silver doors ahead that they became my entire universe. If I could just get inside them and away from everyone, I could deal with this. I could have a panic attack in peace, and no one would be the wiser.
But my vision darkened at the corners, and a prickling sensation coated my arms and down the backs of my hands. I wasn t going to make it there before the anxiety hit.
I wasn t?—
The doors opened, and Oaklynn and Damien stepped out.
They only had to take one look at my face to know something was wrong.
Oaklynn clutched her mouth and gasped, Oh God. What happened?
I shook my head robotically, and answered, Not a good time to see her. But my attention was entirely on Damien.
Eyes flaring with surprise, he stepped forward and clutched my shoulders, realizing what was happening. We need to get him out of here, he said under his breath to Oaklynn. Now.
She shook her head, clearly clueless about what was happening. Why? What?—?
I pointed, managing to say, Stairwell.
Damien glanced toward the door and hooked his hand around my arm, immediately leading me that way.
Relieved he was here, I leaned over to rest against him, trusting him completely to guide me somewhere safe and quiet.
Once we made it to the abandoned stairwell, I dropped the balloon and stuffed animal at my side and gasped for air. Then, I found a wall to press my back against and slid down to sit on the floor.
All the while, my lungs seized and struggled to push air through them.
What the hell is happening? Oaklynn demanded, panicking along with me. Should I get a doctor?
No. Damien lifted a calm, reassuring hand. He s okay. It s just a panic attack. He got them all the time when he was younger. He ll be okay.
His girl didn t seem too reassured by that. Oh God. What do we do? How do we help?
Crouching before me, Damien s face filled my vision. What do you need, man?
I shook my head. Just time, I managed to say between each grappled breath.
He nodded. Okay. We re right here with you, and we re going to stay until it passes.
I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn t have to see Oaklynn s freaked-out expression anymore. And I must ve tightened up too much because I lost all sense of space and time for I don t know how long.
There was just a black void until Damien nudged me, calmly commanding, No, don t hold your breath, Fos. Exhale. Let it out. Breathe .
I did, parting my lips and hissing out a long, unsteady breath. Then I inhaled deeply, and Archer nodded me along, smiling in approval.
There you go, he praised softly. Nice and even. Now look at the ceiling.
I darted my gaze up, following his instructions as he started what I knew was going to be the 333 rule.
The floor, he said next. And when I looked down, he ended with, The wall.
After following all three directions, he smiled. Good. Now, lift your hand. Realizing he must ve bypassed the listening portion of the rule because it was so quiet in the stairwell, I lifted my hand, playing along.
Your knee, he added.
I bent up one knee.
And your chin.
I tilted my face up, and Oaklynn crouched down beside us so she could take my hand. Wow. That s actually working, she murmured in awe before turning her gaze to her boyfriend as if he d just performed a miracle.
He sent her a small smile. We learned all the coping strategies to help Foster out in grief group. Glancing at me in amusement, he nudged my arm. Didn t we?
I knew he was remembering the very first time I d flipped out in front of them, and I knew he wanted me to smile along at the memory, but I felt too shitty to smile. So I just nodded bleakly.
His gaze filled with concern. But it s been years since he had one, he told Oaklynn as he kept watching me. Then, he murmured with narrowed eyes, Or so I thought. How long has this been going on?
I was tempted to lie and tell him this had been the first one in ten years, but with him looking at me intently, I couldn t. Since the first day she woke up, I admitted, feeling my chin tremble with helplessness.
Disappointment filled Damien s gaze. Fos…
I know, I started. But I m okay. I m dealing with it.
He shook his head, not accepting that. I m calling a meeting, he announced.
With a cringe, I shook my head. No. I don t need that. Didn t matter how much I d grown up and matured and knew how helpful they were. It didn t matter that I trusted the guys with my life. I still hated meetings. They meant weakness and the inability to take care of problems on my own. I despised how much I still needed help after all these years.
Ignoring me, Damien pulled up his phone and started texting.
With a frustrated sigh, I lifted my hand to motion toward him in aggravation as I glanced at Oaklynn. There s no stopping him, is there?
She smiled sadly and stroked a hand down my arm. Let him call, she said. It ll make him feel better.
Thinking of it that way, I nodded. Because she was right. Damien would worry if I didn t let him do something . And I hated worrying other people more than I hated meetings. So I hissed out a breath and allowed it to happen.
* * *
We actually couldn t meet together until the next day after classes, since I had to work Sunday evening. I obviously wasn t the only one who still didn t like meeting, though.
As my six friends filed into the living room solemnly at Archer House and found places to plant themselves, they were eerily somber. Even Oaklynn and Faith seemed to sense it.
I, uh, I ll just be in my room, Oaklynn told us as she motioned toward the stairs.
Yeah, I ll go with you, Faith said, hurrying after her.
Lucky shits, Parker mumbled from the wall where he was leaning with his arms crossed moodily over his chest. Why did none of you assholes ever let me escape before a meeting?
The funny part is that they ll both demand to know everything we said as soon as this is over, Hudson teased.
I glanced at him, stretched out and relaxing next to me, only to furrow my brow in confusion because something was different. It took me a second, but finally I straightened on the couch cushion to say, Your cast is gone.
Yep. He grinned and smoothed a hand over his jean-clad thigh. About time, huh?
When did this happen? I asked cluelessly, shaking my head and realizing just how much time I d been spending with Raina lately, away from everyone else.
But it had been getting exhausting to talk for her when she d wanted to join a conversation and then to try to ignore her when people were around who didn t know she was there. It had been easier to hang out in my room during most of my free time and simply be alone with her there.
Except those days were over. And I missed them like hell.
I started to bounce my knee, refusing to think about how I d never get to see her again, as a spirit or in human form.
Around me, the room fell quiet before Thane finally cleared his throat. Who misses when Counselor Matt was around to kick off these little sessions, huh?
I d put money on not a single, fucking one of us, Parker answered.
Amen, Keene seconded, lifting a fist to support him.
I mean, he tried , Alec defended. We always did better on our own, but?—
He sucked, Hudson said bluntly. Just admit it.
Okay, yeah, Alec confessed with a wince. He really did. But his heart was in the right place.
He definitely makes a better director at the grief center than he ever did a counselor, Parker allowed.
I still can t believe he became the freaking director , Keene added, shaking his head in confusion. It s just weird.
Hudson shrugged. Hey, after the scandal that went down there after we left, sounds like lame ol Matt might ve been one of the very few good apples at that place.
So why d you call a meeting anyway, Arch? Thane asked Damien. What s going on, buddy?
Oh… Damien straightened in surprise, still not a fan of being put on the spot. It actually wasn t for me.
Then who the fuck are we here for? Parker asked with a short frown.
I huffed out a breath and lifted my hand while meekly lowering my head. Me. He caught me having a panic attack yesterday.
The other five straightened in surprise.
The hell? Parker demanded.
While Hudson groaned and slapped a frustrated hand to the top of his head and muttered, Well, fuck.
Keene shook his head, not ready to believe it as he asked, You still get those?
And Thane wondered, What prompted this?
Was it the first one since we were kids? Alec asked.
He said he had one the day before that too, Damien answered for me. When Raina woke up.
Ah, Jesus, Parker threw up his hands in defeat. This is because of a damn woman ? He pushed away from the wall as if to stalk from the room in aggravation, only to stop and turn back, not willing to abandon me. You know, you guys really need to stop falling in love. Every single one of you fucking regressed when you did.
Keene leaned toward Alec, whispering, This is why I m never falling in love.
Because you want your mom to be stuck in the library as a ghost forever? Alec snarked.
While Keene scowled back, Oaklynn snapped, Hey! from around the corner and up the stairs. Don t put Foster s problems on Raina. It s not her fault she had a massive brain injury and fell into a coma and couldn t remember visiting him while she was asleep.
Oh, for God s sake, Parker snapped. If you two are going to listen around the corner anyway, will you just get your asses down here and join the conversation with the rest of us?
I mean, if you insist, Faith answered, appearing a second later with Oaklynn trailing behind her. From there, Faith wedged herself between me and Hudson so she could clasp my thigh briefly in support, and Oaklynn perched herself on the arm of the couch next to Damien.
So, Oaklynn started, slapping her hands down on the tops of her thighs. Why was Raina waking up so upsetting for you? Shouldn t that have been good news?
I nodded, but it was Hudson who answered for me. I think it was probably more the part where she remembered nothing of their time together that set him off.
What if she never remembers? I lamented.
Then tell her about it, Alec encouraged.
He can t do that, Thane objected. She d never believe him.
With a cringe, I countered, Actually, she might. She s been pretty accepting of the supernatural ever since she was a teen and went with her sister to Houston to talk to her mom through a medium. But… I shook my head. I still don t want to tell her. She just woke up from a coma. She s grieving. Life is confusing and different for her. She has to relearn how to fucking walk again. I don t think being told this would help her. Not at all. She s got to remember on her own.
Then woo her all over again, Keene answered with a shrug as if it was no big deal. You got her to fall in love with you once. Think about how easy it should be a second time now that you know her.
Or think about how tactless and inconsiderate it would be, trying to mack on her while she s in the middle of grieving for her sister , Parker countered with a dry mutter.
Either way, it s not a possibility, I spoke up. Because yesterday, she asked me to leave and never come back.
What? Oaklynn shrieked in alarm. But w-why would she do that?
Because looking at me brings her bad memories, I said bluntly. I remind her that her sister s gone, and she can t move on from that if I m around. So I don t blame her at all for not wanting to see me.
But it wasn t your fault, Alec insisted.
I don t think she actually blames me, I tried to explain. I stayed away from the beach for years after Hayes died, and I never blamed the water or the sand. I just—I couldn t face it for a while. So I reckon I m like the beach for her.
Keene shook his head. She didn t seem to have a problem being around you when she was in her coma.
That was her spirit, I said, shrugging. It s just…different now. And I knew it would be. I— When I choked up, Faith took my hand in a firm, supportive grip. I squeezed back on her fingers and swallowed, feeling my eyes moisten. I just didn t realize it was going to hurt this fucking much.
The room fell solemnly silent before Alec said, I still think we should tell her.
But Thane shook his head. No. I m with Foster on this one. I don t think it would help even if we did. Try to picture yourself in her shoes. If someone you didn t want to be around tried to tell you that you were actually their friend, would that suddenly induce you to say, oh, okay, I guess we re good now ?
Well, when you put it that way, Keene grumbled.
Parker sniffed and shook his head bitterly. Telling her s not going to change shit unless she remembers on her own.
But how the hell is she supposed to remember, Faith wondered. If Foster can t go anywhere near her to induce any of those memories?
Ooh! Oaklynn sat up straighter. Maybe when I visit her, I can?—
No, I ordered sternly, pointing at her in warning. Please do not mention me to her. Ever . Okay? I don t want you upsetting her.
I wouldn t?—
Oaklynn, I growled.
Hey, Damien berated me, arching his eyebrows. She just wants to help.
This wouldn t help, I said, sending Oaklynn pleading eyes. She doesn t want anything to do with me. She doesn t want to hear my name. She doesn t want to hear my name. I hate that, but please… Don t make it worse. Think about her right now.
I… Oaklynn glanced at Damien uncertainly before folding and nodding her head dejectedly. Okay. Gah. I won t say anything.
Thank you. Exhaling roughly, I glanced around at the others. And that goes for all of you. If any of you visit her, you pretend I don t exist unless she specifically asks something about me. Alright ?
Jesus, fine, Parker grumbled, while the others also gave their reluctant agreement.
None of this fixes your panic attacks, though, Thane said, circling back around to the issue I would ve been happy to avoid for the rest of my life.
Huffing out a defeated breath, I said, Actually, I think I m going to be okay now. It only happened when I was around her, when she looked at me as if I were a stranger. But since getting to see her is off the table now…
As my words trailed away and the realization that I was never going to be around her again hit me with renewed torment, I shuddered out an unsteady breath, and my vision darkened.
Fuck, I mumbled, gripping my head and sinking back against the couch before closing my eyes. I m never going to see her again.
Oh, damn, Oaklynn uttered. Is he, like, starting an attack right now?
Foster? Thane s calm, understanding voice came from directly in front of me. And when I opened my eyes, he was right there, kneeling before me.
I shook my head, feeling my face heat and probably turn a dark, tomato red. What the hell am I going to do if one of these comes on when I m being interviewed or—fuck—on the field?
Hey, don t think about that, Thane told me. Because never once during all the stressful games you ve played—two of them being national championships—has this ever happened to you on the field. It only has to do with your grieving process. Okay? In your unique situation, only grief causes this. And there s nothing to grieve about in football or school. Right?
I nodded because that made sense. True. But what do I do when I start to think about Raina?
Thane cringed before answering, Sounds like you have to start grieving her.
But she didn t die , Keene said.
Thane glanced his way sadly. What they had together did. Shrugging, he glanced back at me. That s what I had to do after Nova. It—it was the only way to finally move on.
Tears filled my eyes. Because Keene was right. Raina was still alive; there was still an inkling of a chance to be with her again. It felt wrong to give up hope. And yet there was no way I was going to return to Raina and beg for another chance. It was better for her if I disappeared completely.
Shit, I admitted, wiping my cheeks to hide the tears, even though everyone knew I was fucking crying. I don t want to mourn her.
No one ever wants to mourn a loss, Damien said quietly.
A sob caught in my throat, and Faith lost it. Oh, goddammit, Foster. Come here. You need a hug.
When she wrapped her arms around me, I tucked my face down on her shoulder to hide, and I let her console me. Seconds later, another set of soft feminine arms closed around me, and both of the girls hugged me until I had myself under control.
Thanks, I told them as I pulled back, feeling strange and bashful. Sorry I cried all over you.
Don t you even worry about that, Oaklynn assured, squeezing my arm. We re here for anything you need.
Actually, I started, lifting my eyebrows.
Oh boy, I could hear Keene tell Alec. He s going to ask for sex, isn t he?
As about three different hands smacked him on the back of the head, I sent him a scowl.
No, dipshit. Jesus. With a sigh, I turned back to Oaklynn and pulled a set of keys from my pocket to hold them out to her. The next time you go to visit, do you think you could sneak these back into her bag of personal effects without her noticing?
Her mouth sagged open. You stole her keys ?
I didn t steal them, I swore. She begged me to go through her stuff, and when she saw the keys, she wanted to go check on her apartment to make sure everything was okay.
I d returned to her apartment yesterday to clean up from when I d stayed the night. I d even spotted a book she had due at the library, and I d taken it back, paying for all the overdue fees.
And I d been hoping to sneak her key into the hospital when I d gone to visit next, but yeah, that didn t seem like a possibility anymore.
My throat closed and the prickling returned to my skin, but I swallowed down the anxiety and forced my mind away from those thoughts.
I—yeah, of course, Oaklynn assured me, taking the keys. I ve got it handled.
Can I go with you? Faith asked. She probably doesn t remember me, but… I d like to visit her too. I can help distract her while you return the keys.
When Oaklynn readily agreed, I smiled at the two and said, Thanks, guys. Then I turned to Keene and motioned between the two ladies. And that s why you fall in love.
Across the room, Hudson nodded his head in satisfaction. Amen, brother.