Chapter 26 #2
His sister said he didn’t need it. She said he’s had a crush on me all semester.
“At first, I did need help. Only for a few weeks, that’s it.
But I thought you were funny, and the prettiest person I had ever met.
I knew that you would never give me a chance.
You are so far out of my league Kamryn, there’s no way you’d even let me ask, I was positive.
So I never tried, and I was going to let it go as just that.
I was going to keep it in, flirt when I could, and see you for tutoring, hoping maybe I’d build up the courage to ask you to go out with me just once, and then I saw the list, and that was the day I was going to ask you out since it was our last tutoring session.
But again, I saw the list, and I took a chance, and I didn’t…
I shouldn’t have. It was dumb, and I lied, and I’m sorry, but there were always strings attached for me because I’ve had a crush on you since February Kamryn. I’m... I’m sorry.”
I stand speechless in front of him. Half of me is screaming to just agree, and forgive him. The other half, the sensible half is saying everything but.
“You knew that I had been lied to before. Cheated on, lied to, hurt, all of the above. You knew my trust was limited, and you let me trust you while you openly lied about your intentions Bellamy. If you can start all of this by hiding the truth, then what else would you lie to me about?” I ask, knowing part of me could be projecting, but the other part of me is trying to preserve what I have left of my heart.
“Probably little things,” He answers honestly, and now I truly am speechless.
Did he just admit that out loud?
“Little things like when I tell you I’m at the gym but I’m really at the store buying you flowers.
Or if you ask me if your breath smells bad in the morning, and it does, but I’ll lie and say it doesn’t just so you’ll kiss me anyway.
I’ll lie and say I won't buy you a million things for your birthday or Christmas, and then I will. I’ll lie when I tell you I don’t have to go, even when I do, just so I can spend more time with you.
I’ll lie when I have to just so I can make our time together more special.
I’ll never do anything behind your back, decisions are made together, and I didn’t let you decide, and I’m sorry Kamryn,” He pleads with his voice.
“Bellamy…” I stare at him, ocean blue eyes looking back at me.
He’s got his heart on his sleeve, and my heart is practically beating out of my chest. I can’t believe he said all of that. I can’t believe I’m believing all of it either. My brain tells me no, but the way my chest feels is telling me to give in.
“The list… You went into it thinking what? That I was going to fall for you?” I ask, not wanting it to sound mean, but knowing it does.
I don’t want to hurt Bellamy, but I need to understand all of this. All of him.
“No. Half of me figured you’d never speak to me again after it.
I went through the dates, and I was hoping that maybe I would be let down.
I didn’t want you to be perfect, and I didn’t want you to be what I wanted, I was hoping that maybe you’d be some awful person, or you did something that just made me not want you because I knew wanting you wouldn’t end well but I couldn’t find a single thing.
You are everything I want. You love what I love, and you get along with my friends, and you’re funny, and so fucking smart.
You treat me like I matter Kamryn, and you’re careful with me.
You know me, and you’d be happy to get to know me more.
You’re just. God, you’re better than I ever thought you would be.
So I did everything I could to make sure it didn’t end as badly as I thought it would. ”
I look at him blankly, my heart racing faster than it ever has in my life.
He’s laying everything on the table, not one thing left out.
I want to turn him away. I want to hate him for lying to me, for convincing me to do this list with ulterior motives.
But I don’t. I’m not sure if hating him is possible.
“I know this is a lot to take in, and I know you probably think I’m crazy, but you’re about to think I’m crazier because I’ve wanted you for months, and now that I’ve had you I know that you are literally the best I’ve ever had in every single sense, and I’m in love with you Kamryn.
I love you. That’s why I came here. I couldn’t let you think I didn’t care when in reality, I care more than I probably should,” He finally takes a second to breathe, and I think my heart might have stopped altogether at the confession.
He truly is breathless. He spoke quickly like he was trying to make sure he got every word out before I got a single one in.
“You... Love me?” Outsiders probably think it’s insane, but to me, it doesn’t sound crazy.
Not at all because I think I feel the exact same way he does.
“I do.”
I can see the small ounce of fear in his eyes, and I get it. I feel it too. But part of me isn’t surprised. Bellamy is the nesting type, just like I told myself from the start.
“I knew this would happen. That’s why I didn’t want this, that’s why I never should have agreed to this dumb list,” I turn away from him, not wanting him to see my face.
Emotions pour through my chest like a heatwave. It was just a list, that’s what this was. It wasn’t real. The feelings are only real until everything gets ugly. We made it perfect, but perfect doesn’t exist.
“Look at me and tell me you don’t have feelings for me. Kamryn why would… Why were you upset about Leah if you didn’t care? If you didn’t want this?”
I laugh to myself because if I don’t I might cry.
“It’s not about feelings Bellamy, I developed feelings for you before the first week was finished.
I honestly thought you knew, I thought you could feel it.
Every kiss, every night, everything was real.
It felt real, and I wanted it to be real, but that’s just it.
None of this is real. This was all stupid dates and a made up list. This isn’t what we would be, this is fake.
This isn’t the fights, and the hard times, and the crying, and screaming, and this isn’t what it would feel like if we had to break up.
If you got an NFL contract, and I stayed here, or you cheated, or found someone better. This isn’t that, this isn’t real.”
He shakes his head and steps up the last stair, now on the same level I am.
“It can be real. All of this can be real Kamryn. I wouldn’t treat you any less than I have the past two weeks.
I would care about you, and I would defend you, and I would love you every second of every day like I already do.
You… You are a dream Kamryn, and I have no idea what the world will look like in a year when we graduate, and I have no idea if the NFL is anywhere in our future, but I do know that no matter what I’m doing I’d like you in my life.
I want you, good times and bad times, and I want this to be real.
I feel like I only just got to know parts of you and I want to know everything. Kamryn I’ll do everything I can.”
I press my lips together.
“How do I know that?” I challenge him again.
“You don’t, you just have to trust me. And I know how hard that can be, and I know that you might have to work on it and figure it out, especially after I broke your trust. I’ll do everything in my power to gain it back…
But I’ll wait. I’m fine with waiting, and I’m fine with figuring it out.
I’m fine with going at your pace, but what I’m not fine with is just shutting this down because of fear.
You are fearless Kamryn. The last two weeks were not enough time to show you how loved you deserve to feel,” He steps forward, and I feel my chest squeeze.
I feel tears threaten my eyes, but I know the closer he gets the easier it will be to give in to him.
“I have never seen you back away from a challenge,” He inches closer, and I feel his warmth on my skin now, his hands moving down my arms. “Don’t back away from this now, please...”
I stare up at him, his hands interlocking with mine. I feel heat and panic settling in my chest. I feel nervous, happy, and confused, and I know that feeling because it’s something I’ve never felt before. I do love him, even if it’s based on fabricated things.
“I’m scared,” My voice is fragile as it comes out.
“I know, and that’s fine. It’s fine, and I’m positive I completely overwhelmed you.
I know your head is probably spinning because mine is too so take your time.
You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to talk to me at all, but you do have to come back to campus in a week for summer sessions. We can talk when you’re ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?” I ask and he shrugs his shoulders.
“Then that’s fine too but I’ll be waiting if you change your mind.”
Pressure builds in my chest and claws up my throat.
“Okay,” I’m overwhelmed right now.
I just got home. Then I found out that everything I’d been sitting on for the past day wasn’t true. Bellamy is in love with me, and I think I love him, but that feels so wrong to think. It doesn’t feel true. Like it’s impossible for any of this to be true at all.
“Okay, you’ll think about it?” He asks, and I nod.
“I’ll think about it.”
He smiles, pulling me forward. He wraps me in a hug, and my body responds, naturally hugging him back, his body tight against mine. His heavy scent fills my nose, and I breathe him in. The sweet smell of the spicy vanilla cologne he wears. Soaking in his stronghold.
“I’m sorry... I never wanted to hurt you Ryn,” His lips brush my hair as he speaks.
I just hug him tighter, feeling his arms around me, not knowing if I’ll ever feel this again.
“I’m going to go now. But I’ll see you at summer sessions,” He pulls away, and I let him despite my not wanting to let go.
He just drove all that way to turn back around.
A simple phone call would have sufficed.
He knew I wouldn’t answer, and he’s far more romantic than the normal guy.
He completed the cheesy romantic love confession that’s in every rom com, and it wasn’t even on my list. He drove here with one intention, and now that he’s completed it, he’s turning around, and going right back to campus.
I watch as he walks down the driveway, and makes it to his car.
He turns around and waves to me before he climbs inside.
I watch as he sits on his phone for only a few minutes, and then he looks up at me.
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I look at him.
He points to his phone, and I reach for mine, pulling it out of my pocket.
I look at the notification and see a link from him.
It leads straight to Spotify. The playlist he made me. He texts again.
“I started making this after our first date, and added songs anytime something felt right.”
I look up again, tears welling in my eyes. For once my heart feels incredibly fragile as I watch Bellamy pull away, the same million dollar smile on his face. I wish he didn’t have to leave.