Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE BY JOHNNY KNOX
I walk through the doors of my childhood home feeling a rush of every emotion all at once.
I don’t know if I want to cry, or scream, or break something.
I don’t know if maybe I just want to shut down completely.
I have to go back. I have to go back to campus in a week because the opportunity is far too big to pass up, especially now that I know the truth of what the picture was.
I was stupid to leave campus because of Bellamy in the first place.
That’s not who I am, but all of this. It’s all so much.
“Kamryn?” My mom calls and I squeeze my eyes shut as I stand in the entryway. “What happened? Where is he?”
I leave my things, walking into the kitchen first. I see her in the living room, and I walk in, hugging her instantly.
“Thank you...” I squeeze her, and she hugs me back.
“What happened?”
“I just never would have known if you didn’t let him come here.”
She still looks confused as I let her go.
“Can you tell me what happened?” She asks me again and I nod, moving toward the couch.
I don’t want to have to explain everything, but I know if anyone can help ease my mind my mom will be the one. She’s always been that person for me.
So I start at the beginning and I tell her everything.
Every detail from the ferry boat to the last night before I left to come back here.
I tell her about when he made me feel better after the frat party.
I tell her how his friends care about me and defend me.
She listens to everything, not interrupting once as I explain where feelings came into play, and when I felt butterflies.
When he took me to the most special places and how we talked about the most personal things.
I show her my tattoo in person, and my mom seems happy as she listens to the story. She seems so calm.
“And when he came here, he told me. Well, he told me he loved me. That he was in love with me, and that he’s been looking for an opportunity to ask me out since February. He’s just…” I stop finally, shaking my head and covering my eyes.
Every emotion crashes to the surface, and I finally let it out, tears coming to my eyes.
“He lied though. As sweet as he is, and as good as he could be, he started all of this with a lie. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I admit through my tears.
“You feel whatever is in your heart, and you let it figure itself out. You don’t ignore that, and you don’t push those feelings away.
He lied. It was wrong that he lied. He’s acknowledging how wrong that was though.
It’s the bare minimum, yes… But everything else he’s done is far above that bare minimum, don’t you think? ” The question she asks is fair.
It’s truthful too. Everything Bellamy does is above the bare minimum.
“How do I know any of this is real, Mom? This was all for a list, every single feeling is. It’s fabricated, it’s based on something superficial and fake, and what if it’s not the same?”
“It probably won't be the same. There will be really bad days, and there are going to be times where it feels off, and not perfect. But I’m going to tell you something Kamryn. You have dreamed your whole life to live in one of those silly movies, and I know the way you look at your dad and me. I know you’ve always wanted that, and you’d be a fool to run away now because that’s exactly what you have.
Bellamy jumped through hoops. He spent money.
He even got his best friends involved to make sure every task was completed and then some.
He made you feel welcomed, and comfortable, and he never once did anything that was even somewhat alarming, Kammi.
That boy drove three hours to make sure you knew he cared about you, and that he was set up to look like the bad guy.
He drove three hours just to make sure you knew he was sorry for lying.
He’s always going to go up to bat for you.
If he hasn’t proved himself yet, I don’t know what else he could do.
I don’t know what anyone could do. He’s not perfect, but he’s about as close as you’re ever going to get,” She defends.
I take a shaky breath. He already put it into perspective, but she is drilling it in.
Every word she said made my chest light up.
Just the thought of Bellamy makes my heart swell, and the recollection of everything these past few weeks too.
He really did take me, and turn me around with how I feel about all these things.
About relationships, love, and feelings, and he wasn’t intentional in that.
He was just hoping for the best, and the best happened, and my stupid impulsive self ruined that for him.
I know he’s not perfect but he’s real, and he tries his best, and he doesn’t skip past anything. He’s thoughtful and intentional.
“So how do I fix it? What should I do?”
“You spend time with your dad and me this week, then you take my car, and you go back to that school for summer sessions, and you finish that damn list. You have one date left.”
I laugh at my mom.
“And after that?” I ask.
I feel better already. Because my mom always makes me feel better no matter what happens.
“After that, you tell that boy you love him just the same, and then years down the road you marry him and have his babies,” She says and I cringe.
“Okay no babies, not if you don’t want them, but you better marry that man.
He’s a cute one, and he’s tall too. Kammi, you found a real man, not like that scrawny little thing you dated-”
“Ew! Mom, stop talking,” I try to cover her mouth and the two of us start laughing together.
“I missed you, Kammi,” She hugs me tight and I hug her back.
“I missed you, Mom,” My tears dry up.
“And just in the past few months, you’ve grown up so much. I can’t wait to see you after this year. You know your dad and I bought tickets to every home game.”
I back away from her, my eyes wide.
“Mom! What if I didn’t get asked to be on the field? What if they never-”
“Then I would have sold ‘em! But I knew you would be. You’re too hard working. You’re too good not to. I knew they would see that.”
I hug her again. That’s one thing about her that I know is true. No matter what. No matter how big or how small my mom will always believe in me. She will always root for me, and she will always push me, and so will my dad.
My mom is my best friend, and right now all she’s got to do this week is give me every ounce of courage to go back to that school and talk to Bell.
I know the minute my dad is home from work, and he hears about a potential boyfriend he might die on the spot.
He’s never cared if I date or not. He’s always just as supportive as my mom, but I never really brought anyone home after I went to college. This will be news to him.
“Go get some rest. I’m cooking your favorite tonight.”
I’ve never once told my mom that chicken Alfredo isn’t my favorite. I’d prefer spaghetti. She seems to love cooking the Alfredo for me though so I don’t ruin that for her, and let her think it’s my favorite.
I think of the playlist I now have on my phone that I still haven’t even looked at and now I rush.
I grab my things where I left them, and rush up the stairs of the house, straight to my bedroom that’s completely untouched since the last time I stayed in it.
It’s the same light pink it was throughout high school, with white bedding, and light green accents.
I drop my things and jump on the bed. I land straight on my stomach and kick my legs back like a teenager. I pull my phone out, and click the playlist, instantly playing it. He titled it “The List of Songs.” My heart melts at the play on words.
I don’t know why this feels different. Especially considering I’ve most likely heard these songs before. But even if I have, they mean something different now that they remind someone else of me. I look at the songs on the playlist and recognize plenty of them.
Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. I laugh out loud. Of course he would.
Tattoos Together by Lauv. My fingers draw over the ink on my arm.
Cliche by Cece Coakley. The most perfect song to describe me.
Ahead of Myself by James TW. The honesty of these songs starts hitting me hard. The vulnerability only makes me wish I followed him back to campus.
Talking Body by ToveLo. I could say the same for him. That’s when I feel tears prick my eyes. Mostly because I see everything else that lies ahead. Never once have I cried to Talking Body by Tovelo. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Wannabe by The Spice Girls. Our Karaoke date. I twist the ring on my finger that he gave me, still having not taken it off.
Ordinary People by Blake Rose, my heart stops at this one.
Magic by John K. I feel like an asshole for not seeing him. Seeing his heart before right now.
Satellite by Harry Styles, I can’t stop myself from falling in love with him all over again. The thought of him feeling this way is almost too much for me to process.
Mastermind by Taylor Swift. I laugh. I shouldn’t but I do. The effort and care he put into this. The time. Bellamy Archer waited and went into this fully aware he could end up hurt but he did it anyway, just to have a chance.
Certain Things by James Arthur. I adore him. Bellamy is so loyal it’s not good for him at this point. He’s persistent, but he’s caring. He’s a good person. The best person I’ve probably ever met.
New Year's Day by Taylor Swift. I am filled with memories of the party, it was days ago and it feels like forever. But I feel just how wet my cheeks are as I listen to the lyrics.
Crazier by Taylor Swift. Dancing with him was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. I fell so hard for Bellamy that day. Even if I knew it before this, I remember feeling like I was falling then.
Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift. The other day. I sang it to him in the car, and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing me. My heart melts.
Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon. This is the kind of song I’ve always wished made someone think of me...
Anything by Dodie... I’ve never heard this song. I’ve never cried to a song the way I do right now. Guilt settles deep into my chest.
While I Have You Here by Johnny Knox. I contemplate going straight back to campus right now after hearing this song. I wish I knew he felt like this before I ran away from him.
It takes me a while to get through every song, but the minute I reach the last one. I can’t help but cry. I repeat the song over and over again. I listen to the lyrics every time, hearing them through Bellamy, and my heart breaks.
I don’t like that he lied to me. I don’t like how that made me feel.
But I’m not dumb enough to think he’s anything like Dylan.
I’m not silly enough to let my past get in the way of Bellamy, and what he could offer.
I just don’t know how I’m going to translate that to him.
Words and feelings have never been my strong suit.