Chapter 42
‘IT’S OKAY,’ SHE cradled Raffy in her arms, muttering soothing words into his ear.
‘Why did Daddy hit you?’ he asked, his eyes wide with shock.
‘He was angry,’ Helena said. ‘But I’m okay, don’t worry.’
Raffy’s brow was furrowed in confusion. ‘But we aren’t supposed to hit people when we are angry.’
‘I know. Your dad has a bad temper, Raf. He needs some help to calm himself down when his emotions get too big.’
‘Is your cheek okay?’ Raffy asked. He reached up and touched her cheekbone gently. It was throbbing with pain.
‘It’ll be okay,’ she assured him.
He jumped up and ran down the stairs. ‘I’ll see if we’ve got any peas in the freezer. Sandra gives me an ice pack if I hurt myself.’ Helena’s heart swelled with love for this child who, despite everything he had just seen, was so thoughtful and kind. How could he be Noah’s son?
‘Thank you,’ Helena said as she followed him downstairs and accepted the bag of peas. Raffy got a tea towel and wrapped them inside it, before giving them back to Helena and holding them carefully to her cheek.
‘I’m sorry he did that,’ Raffy whispered.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Helena said, pulling him in close to her for a hug.
‘Where did he go?’ Raffy asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Helena shrugged. ‘He probably just needs some time to calm down.’
Raffy nodded. ‘You won’t go, will you?’ he asked. Helena felt close to tears herself as she saw the vulnerability in Raffy’s eyes and she hated Noah all the more for it.
‘Of course not,’ Helena said.
‘What if he doesn’t come back?’ he asked.
‘I’m sure he will.’ Helena felt much less certain than she was making out. ‘But just in case, you can stay with me and Marge; we have a small room which I used to sleep in before Johnny moved out. It would be perfect for you. Won’t that be fun?’
She wiped away a tear as she watched Raffy bravely try to process what was happening. She knew how damaged he was, first from losing his mother, then from being torn away from Helena like that. He was old enough now to imagine that happening again.
‘Do you think Daddy will take me away again?’ he asked.
‘I am going to make sure he doesn’t,’ she whispered. ‘I love you, Raff.’
‘I love you too Helly,’ he whispered. She pulled him onto her lap and held him close, praying that whatever happened next, she would not lose him.
Helena’s phone beeped. With trembling hands she pulled it out of her pocket, expecting a message from Noah. It was Johnny.
Please come over, I need to talk to you, Jxx
She wanted to see him, but she couldn’t leave Raffy like this. She replied:
I can’t right now. I’ll explain later x
Suddenly desperate to get out of Noah’s house, she decided to pack up a bag of things for Raffy, some favourite toys and art supplies, and take him back to her place.
She had no idea how long Noah would need before he calmed down and came home.
Raffy was more than happy with the idea.
He loved going to Hazel Cottage, where he had nothing but happy associations of playing with the dogs and baking and eating delicious cakes. She thought it would do him good.
Raffy asked to bake brownies, so they busied themselves with that before having some lunch while they cooled down.
Johnny had messaged again asking if he could come and see her.
She had told him to come over. Helena couldn’t stop replaying the image of Nathalie and Johnny in each other’s arms over and over again in her mind.
That must be what he wanted to tell her.
She pictured the two of them discussing it, working out together how to break the news sensitively to a friend whose love life was such a disaster.
She imagined them deciding that Helena would take it more kindly from Johnny, pictured Nathalie sending him off with a kiss and a ‘good luck’.
Envy twisted in her stomach and she reminded herself how much she loved them, that they deserved to be happy together.
Margery had left a note, explaining she had gone into town with Derek, who was taking her for lunch.
Perhaps Johnny had purposefully picked this moment, knowing Margery would be out.
After Raffy had finished his brownie, she set him up with a movie in the sitting room so that he wouldn’t have to see her fight back the tears when Johnny spoke to her.
Looking up, she saw Johnny’s car turning into the drive.
She opened the front door as soon as he pulled up.
Was she imagining things, or did he look as if he had been crying?
As he got out of the car, she found tears burning her own eyes too.
Before she knew it, she was running towards him.
Tears were falling freely now as she fell into his arms. She felt herself dissolve in his embrace.
The feeling of his body underneath the thin cotton of his T-shirt, his smell, the familiarity of him, everything he meant to her.
It was all too much to bear. She wanted to stay lost in his arms. She squeezed her eyes shut, desperate to block out as much of the world as she could.
She wanted to savour this moment forever.
They both pulled apart at the same time. They both said each other’s names, looking at each other with searching eyes, trying to find answers to questions unspoken.
Helena laughed, realising how absurd she must look, with her red stained face, covered in tears. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘What happened to your cheek?’
‘It’s okay,’ she said. She didn’t want to get into everything that had happened within earshot of the neighbours. ‘Come in.’ She found some kitchen roll to wipe her tears as she ushered him through into the kitchen.
‘Helena, I have to tell you something,’ Johnny said.
His expression was so serious, he looked so concerned that she felt her heart wrench.
Maybe it was even worse than just telling her they were together.
Oh god, maybe he had proposed too? Maybe that’s why they had been hugging in the kitchen.
Her skin prickled with dread at the thought.
She didn’t know if she felt brave enough to hear it.
Suddenly, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders.
She sighed heavily. It was no good. She needed to face reality and deal with the consequences. It was too late to change anything now.
She sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.
‘I said no,’ she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. She couldn’t keep it to herself a second longer. ‘To Noah… I said no. It was awful…’
Johnny smiled in relief, his eyes shining with tears. Her heart soared sky-high at the sight of that smile.
Johnny knelt in front of her on the floor and took both of her hands in his.
‘Helena,’ he said.
When she lifted her gaze to meet his she saw the relief in his eyes.
‘You don’t know how glad I am to hear it.
I was about to give you a long speech, to try and persuade you not to say yes.
I have been killing myself that I let you go off like that, that I didn’t have the balls to say what I had to say… ’
Helena’s head span in confusion.
How did him confessing to being with Nathalie have anything to do with her saying no to Noah? She couldn’t make sense of it.
Her heart rate began to quicken at the expression in his eyes. There was relief, but something else, too.
‘Helena, I should have told you this a long time ago. I’ve been meaning to, I just didn’t know how to.
I didn’t know when the time would be right.
And then Noah came back, and everything became so fucked up.
But I can’t wait a moment longer. I have to tell you, before I go mad.
I love you. I am in love with you. Everything Noah offered you, it’s what I want, what I’ve been dreaming of.
Eventually I want it all: marriage, babies even.
But right now, I just have to know, could you ever see yourself thinking of me in that way? Do I even have the slightest chance?’
He looked so vulnerable, so doubtful, that Helena’s heart melted. She couldn’t stop the smile that spread from ear to ear across her face. She felt sure she must be dreaming. How could she have got it so wrong? All this time… how could she have been so blind. To herself, but also, to Johnny?
Words failed her. She pulled his face towards hers and brushed her lips against his.
At the touch of their lips every cell in her body raged with longing.
He pulled her up to her feet, bending down and cupping her cheeks with his hands as he kissed her.
She could have kissed him forever, and it would never have been long enough.
When they finally stopped to draw breath, the look in his eyes melted her heart all over again.
‘I love you too,’ she said, beaming from ear to ear. She was unable to believe what had happened. But there was one question that needed to be answered. ‘What about Nathalie?’ she asked.
‘Nathalie?’ he repeated, confused.
‘Isn’t there something going on between you? At Christmas… the secret admirer… all those visits to her house… and she wouldn’t tell me the name of her boyfriend…’
Johnny laughed, then saw Helena’s expression. ‘Oh, Helena, you’re serious? No, Nathalie is great, don’t get me wrong, but it has always been you. It’s only ever been you.’
‘But… I saw you last night. I went straight from Noah’s to Stable Cottages. You were hugging in the kitchen.’
He held her hands. ‘I had gone there to talk to her about you. I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I feel. Nathalie has had her suspicions, and I finally came clean last night. She told me in no uncertain terms that I had to say something. It was such a relief to tell someone. We hugged as I was leaving… that’s all. ’
She felt dazed with relief. She was so glad she had been brave enough to follow her gut and say no to Noah.
If she had said yes, Johnny would never have told her how he felt.
He was too honourable, he wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, especially with marriage on the cards.
She burst out laughing and threw herself at Johnny.
‘I can’t believe this!’ she said, flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him again.
This time when he kissed her, she dissolved into him, losing all sense of time and space. She was lost in the tide of sensation.
When he pulled away, she grabbed him and pulled him closer, not wanting the feeling to end.
When they eventually broke apart Johnny smiled at her, the creases around his eyes she loved so much seemed deeper than ever.
‘When I came over this morning, I was planning on asking you to go for a walk with me. I had decided to tell you how I felt. When you said that Noah had given you those roses, that he had proposed, I couldn’t believe it. I was furious with myself for not acting sooner.’
Helena couldn’t believe her ears. ‘When I saw you there in the kitchen last night, with Nathalie, I felt like the world had ended. I had to do everything in my power not to fling myself into your arms and beg you to take pity on me. There was never any chance I could have said yes to Noah, he is nothing, nothing, compared to you. No one is.’
Johnny looked at her with such tenderness, then he kissed her again.
This time his kisses became more urgent, he pulled her closer to him and pressed up against her, grinding his hips into her, and she knew exactly what was about to happen.
She was desperate to feel his body against hers.
But she had forgotten to tell him one thing.
‘We can’t,’ she whispered as she pulled apart. ‘Raffy is in the sitting room.’
Johnny looked more confused than ever. ‘Raffy?’ he asked.
‘Noah left. He hit me…’
‘He hit you?’ Johnny looked furious, his fingers touching her reddened cheek. ‘Is that what this is?’
Helena nodded. ‘Raffy saw the whole thing. Noah was in such a rage he just stormed out and drove off.’
‘Jesus!’ Johnny kissed her cheek gently, pressing his forehead against hers. ‘I will not let that bastard come near you again. I promise.’
He took her hand and gave it a squeeze as they walked into the sitting room.
‘Hey buddy,’ he said to Raffy who looked up in delight to see Johnny, who he adored.
‘What are we watching?’ He sat down on the sofa next to him and ruffled Raffy’s hair.
She was so happy to see Raffy grinning as they chattered away about the movie, still reeling from what had just happened.
She checked her phone to see if Noah had been in touch.
Still nothing. She settled herself on the other side of Raffy and Johnny’s hand reached over Raffy’s shoulders and grazed the back of her neck.
As she closed her eyes and let Toy Story 3 wash over her, she couldn’t wipe the beaming smile from her face.