Chapter 25
25
He wondered if he’d hurt less if he’d been hit by a bus instead.
It had been a week since Angel had driven away from Iris’s house, holding his bruised heart in his hands, and to put it mildly, he was struggling. This wasn’t the first breakup that Angel had survived. He’d been dumped via text and voice mail, even over Instagram DM. But those breakups hadn’t caught him by surprise. In his previous relationships, fun but fleeting, the realization that things had run their course had always been mutually understood.
But it had been different with Iris. It had felt real . He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He felt like he was moving through quicksand every day, sinking lower and lower until missing her slowly consumed him. After the pictures had appeared online, he’d assumed that she’d want some space. He was sorry as hell that he’d put her in a situation where anyone could photograph them, that he’d thought a small event in his hometown would be safe. But he didn’t think that Iris would end everything completely. She was concerned about her job and how things would look for her, and as much as it pained him, he understood where she was coming from. Fear that he’d push her away completely kept him from calling again and again, begging her to change her mind, for them to find a way to work things out. Because there had to be a way, right?
But Iris was steadfast. She knew what she wanted. What else could he do but respect her decision?
He’d done this to himself, really. From day one, she’d told him that she was unavailable. But he’d wanted her so badly, he’d hoped in vain to change her mind. He hadn’t thought of the consequences.
If he’d known that he’d end up with his heart shattered, would he still have pursued her? Probably. He knew how stupid he sounded. But when things had been good, they’d been good .
“Angel, yoo-hoo.” His manager, Valerie, reached across her desk and waved her hand in Angel’s face. “You here with me?”
Angel blinked, taking in the surroundings of Valerie’s office. They were talking about his next endorsement deal with a sneaker brand. He was scheduled to record a beauty secrets video for Vogue , using Save Face Beauty’s products. And Valerie was pushing the label to pitch Angel for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, preferably both. Work. Right. He should be paying attention to the business that paid him. He rubbed a hand over his face and sat up in his chair.
“Yeah, I’m listening,” he said. “Sorry.”
“No worries.” Valerie eyed him. She hadn’t said much about the pictures of him and Iris, because she usually didn’t involve herself in Angel’s dating life, but she wasn’t oblivious to his unusually quiet mood. “You sure you’re okay? You want some coffee or something?”
“Nah, I’m good. Honest.”
Really, he just needed to channel his misery in the best way he knew how. He’d been writing sad love songs all week. He was anxious to record them.
“Just thinking about the studio,” he said.
“About that,” Valerie said, shuffling the papers on her desk. She gave Angel an uneasy look that rattled him. “You know that ‘Summertime Fine’ rose back to the top spot on the charts. The sales are still phenomenal. The label is over the moon.”
Angel nodded. He was well aware of this. Wasn’t it a good thing?
“I had a long call with the execs at Capitol this morning. They basically asked me to encourage you to drop the full-on soul angle,” she said, wincing. “They’ve listened to the bundle of songs you sent recently, and while they agree that the songs are good, they see your soul songs not as singles but as tracks that flesh out the larger album. They aren’t confident that an entirely soul album will pull in the same numbers, and they really want you and Malik to focus on the pop R & B angle again, because that’s what’s working. You know how they are about taking risks.”
Angel rubbed his temples and let out a deep sigh of frustration. “But what about what I think?” he asked. “I don’t want to be a one-trick pony who keeps doing the same thing over and over just because it’s popular. I’m an artist. Don’t I deserve the opportunity to evolve and expand?”
It seemed that at every stage of his life, someone was always trying to control him or hold him back from reaching his full potential. He was tired of it.
“I’m working on it,” Valerie said earnestly. “I promise I am.”
Angel nodded but he wasn’t sure where he could place his faith.
After he left Valerie’s office, he rode downtown to Violet’s studio for a fitting. He had an appearance on a late-night television show next week. Ray sat beside Angel in the backseat as Gabriel drove. Ray grinned and laughed quietly at something on his phone. Angel quirked an eyebrow, looking at his best friend.
“I wanna laugh too,” Angel said. “What’s funny?”
Ray glanced up and slid his phone into his pants pocket. “Nothing. Just texting Bree.”
Angel blinked. “Is that a thing now?”
Ray nodded, shrugged. “We’re chilling. It’s casual, but I like her a lot. She’s cool as hell.”
Thinking of Bree made him think of Iris. Misery gripped him. But he wouldn’t bring down Ray’s vibe.
“That’s good,” he said. “Really.”
Ray smirked but then glanced away. Almost like he felt guilty to be happy when Angel was not.
“Iris probably just needs some time, bro,” Ray said. “I can tell that she really cares about you.”
He knew that Iris cared about him. That was never the issue. Maybe they were just an example of right people but wrong time and wrong place.
Wrong time, wrong place. I want to see her face…
Song lyrics. He pulled his notepad from his back pocket and jotted down the lines. He was burning to get back to the studio, even if his label had basically said screw him and the music he’d been recording.
“Yeah, maybe.” Angel shifted his gaze to the traffic on the street.
When they arrived at Violet’s studio, they were greeted by her assistant, Alex. Music played in the wide space, and Violet was sorting through clothes on a rack. Angel hadn’t seen her since the night of the Save Face Beauty party. He assumed she knew what had happened between him and Iris. When she turned and flashed him a sweet but anxious smile, his assumptions were confirmed.
“Hi,” she said, walking over and hugging him. “It’s good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too.” He hugged her back and they stood there for a silent moment.
Violet eased away but didn’t release her hold on him. She looked at him closely. “How are you?”
“I feel like shit,” he said, laughing softly.
Violet shook her head. “I’m so sorry about you and Iris.”
“You don’t have to be sorry about it.” He forced a smile and nodded at the clothing rack. “What you got for me today?”
Violet eyed him for a beat before leading him over to the clothes. “I just received some new pieces from Prada today,” she said. “I’ve also got these dope Phillip Lim jumpsuits…”
Angel listened attentively as Violet showed off the items that she’d curated for him. He tried on a handful of outfits and Alex and Ray weighed in with their opinions. Angel was grateful to be working, to be focusing on something other than Iris. But he couldn’t stand in front of Iris’s sister and pretend that he hadn’t been thinking about her all day every day.
Violet was adjusting the collar on his tweed jacket. He lowered his voice and asked, “How is Iris?”
Violet’s hands stilled as she looked up at him. She glanced around. Ray and Alex were standing by Violet’s desk, too far away to overhear their conversation. She looked back at Angel.
“Iris is okay,” she answered. “Sad. But okay.”
On one hand, he felt relief, knowing that he wasn’t alone in his grief over losing what they’d had, but hearing that Iris was also sad made him only feel worse.
“She misses you,” Violet added quietly. “She hasn’t said it, but I know she does.”
Angel closed his eyes briefly, feeling another sharp pang in his chest. “I miss her too.”
“For a long time, I thought of Iris as my strong, impenetrable big sister,” Violet said. “But the older I get, the more I realize that Iris is just as vulnerable as the rest of us, maybe even more so. She’s just better at hiding it.”
He wished that Iris would let him be there for her. They could be so good together. But it wasn’t what she wanted.
Right person. Wrong time. Wrong place.
“I feel guilty,” Violet said, chewing the inside of her cheek. “I persuaded her to see where things could go with you, but it got more serious than I was expecting, and now you’re both heartbroken.” She frowned. “I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything.” Angel hugged her sideways and smiled weakly. “If anything, I’m glad you convinced her to try.”
Violet smiled back, although it didn’t reach her eyes. He couldn’t take her being sad too. He needed to lighten the mood.
He looked at his reflection in the mirror and flexed his arms.
“ Sheesh. ” He whistled. “I look good, don’t I?”
Violet burst out laughing, which was exactly what he’d hoped would happen.
“You know that you do,” she said, rolling her eyes. She fluttered around him, rolling up his jacket sleeves and inspecting the hem.
All the while, he counted the minutes until he could return to the studio and make something out of the sadness in his heart.