Chapter 18
Courtney
The closer I got to the city, the more dread and unease filled me. The thought of going home made my head hurt, and it wasn’t
something I particularly wanted to do right now. Plus, I was trying to sort out how I felt about not speaking to Sasha since
leaving. We’d not exchanged so much as a text message. I hadn’t told her Mya and I had arrived safely and she hadn’t inquired.
That was a sobering realization and caused a knot in my stomach over what it all meant.
Normally, I’d be the one to break the tension. I always apologized first.
But I no longer had the urge to. Maybe all the times I’d bent to keep the peace were coming back to bite me in the ass. Or
maybe I was just tired of bending.
Hitting the button on my steering wheel, I called out the command to phone Shae.
“Hey, what’s up?” she answered after a couple of rings.
“Nothing much. You home?”
“I’m home-ish.”
“How the hell are you home-ish?”
“I’m at Dijah’s place. We’re babysitting, but her house is better suited for the small human.”
“You mean you just don’t want to have to babyproof your house.” I laughed.
“He really can’t go nowhere. Not like he crawlin’ or anything yet, so why babyproof my place if hers is already done?”
“Done? He’s only a couple months old.”
Shae huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I know. But seriously, she bought child locks, gates, bumpers, all for a kid who can’t even roll
over yet.”
“It’s called being prepared.” I heard Doc’s muffled yell as she defended herself.
I laughed again. “You know how she is. She’s a planner.”
“Yeah, that’s why we’re over here.” There was more background noise, but this time I couldn’t make out what Doc was saying.
“Anyway,” Shae continued. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to stop by if you weren’t busy, but it’s not a big deal.”
“Come on by. You got the address, right?”
“How you just invited me to Doc’s house?”
“Bitch, the same way you just sent her to mine.”
I couldn’t really say much there. The issue they’d had during the playoffs needed to be worked out and the best way to do
that was for them to talk, so I’d given Doc Shae’s address and hoped they’d work it out. Which they had. They got their shit
back on track, we went on to win it all, and they were now that happy couple that seemed to work on every level. Easy. Stress-free.
And what I wanted for my marriage.
If my marriage could be saved . . . Did I want to save it? That was another sobering thought. I had to admit we rushed into it and that was on me. Everything since had been the fallout.
“You there?”
“Yeah, yeah, sorry, must have hit a small dead zone. Anyway, y’all needed to talk, so you’re welcome.”
“Whatever,” she said, stretching out the word. “When can we expect yo ass?”
“Y’all sound busy so . . .”
“So, you’ll bring yo ass over. Peanut won’t mind and neither does Dijah.”
“Yeah,” I heard Doc yell. “We’d love to see you, and we’ll see about getting a poopy diaper for you.”
“Uh . . . are those things you can get on demand? Because . . .”
“See you soon,” Shae chuckled before hanging up.
I turned my music back up and readjusted in my seat for the remaining forty-five-minute drive. I wasn’t 100 percent sure what
I hoped Shae and Doc could do for me, if anything, but I wasn’t a quitter and I had to know for myself that I tried everything.
I loved, and had love, for Sasha. When we met, I loved listening to her talk about her dancing. She had so many stories about
customers, and other dancers. I remembered how she used to light up when she would talk about a new routine, and the video
calls because she’d want to show off her moves. I had been drawn to her passion and drive and honestly had been surprised
when she told me she was “retiring” from stripping “because it was time.” To learn that she’d done that, given it up because
of me, or rather because of what she’d thought I’d think . . . I blew out a breath and squeezed the steering wheel.
Hearing it had annoyed me, but having time to think it over, it weighed on me. Especially after talking with Mya. I didn’t
want her in this. It had nothing to do with her, but it was also unavoidable when she brought it up during a long-ass car
ride that I couldn’t escape—not my brightest idea.
“She’s not wrong for wanting you around more, Court. Shocker, but I think your wife likes you and would probably like to see
you more than the equivalent of two months out of the year.” She’d given a half shrug. “I know I would.”
The last part of her statement had hit me hardest. Yes, I was gone, but for a reason .
. . for them. Yeah, sure, Sasha wanted me home more, but she also wanted .
. . stuff. However, with the new information that she had nothing of her own because she’d walked away from the one thing she enjoyed and was passionate about, I was unknowingly expected to fill that void in her life.
That was also a heavy weight to bear.
But Mya had also implied she too wanted to see me more. I don’t know why that’d caught me off guard as much as it had. It
gave me pause and made me think I needed to reevaluate how I viewed my role in their lives.
Forty-five minutes later, I pulled into Doc’s driveway. I sat in the car for a little bit before killing the engine and getting
out. I didn’t really know what I hoped for coming here, but I knew a change was needed, for both our sakes. We—I—couldn’t
keep pretending everything was fine while more cracks formed. Doc and Shae had the most stable relationship I knew. Hopefully,
they could point me in a direction to getting Sasha and I on the right path.
The nagging question popped back into my head. Did I want it to work?
With the bad days seeming to outnumber the good days now, I was getting tired of all the issues and the drama between the
two of us. We were good before, but that had been the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Were we truly so fundamentally
different? I shook off my nagging thoughts and climbed from the car.
When I knocked on the door, Khadijah answered with a big smile as she wore her baby nephew in a sling. “Courtney,” she said,
leaning in for a hug. “Come on in.”
“Hey, sorry for just popping up.”
“Girl, no big. You want something to drink, to eat?”
I shook my head. “I’m good. What up, Shae.” I acknowledged my friend who sat on the couch, flipping through channels.
As I made my way inside, I noticed that Shae hadn’t been joking about how prepared Doc was for her nephew. A baby gate was
installed on the stairs, but not just the basic kind you pick up at any store; hers looked professionally installed. Her beautiful
live-edge coffee table was covered in foam pieces around the sharp edges, and all the outlets I could see already had protective
plugs in them.
“Damn, Doc.”
“What?”
I pointed toward the table. She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Don’t you start too. That one has given me enough grief,” she
answered, thumbing toward my friend who just shrugged, but didn’t deny.
“When Peanut starts moving about, she’s probably gonna find him some wearable bubble wrap.”
I snorted a laugh as Doc scowled at Shae, then tried to reel it in when she turned her annoyance in my direction. “I’m . . .
um, I’m sure Jah is thankful to know her kid is in such great hands.”
“Nah, Jah gives her shit too. Says Dijah’s house is more prepared than her own.”
“Because she’s ungrateful. Wanna talk shit, but still use my babysitting services. All of y’all suck,” Doc grumbled as she
gently removed the wiggly human from the sling. My eyes widened as she approached me, preparing to hand him off. “Bathroom
break,” was her only explanation as she adjusted my arms to better hold him.
I looked down at him, awkwardly cradling the tiny human, and he stared right back with his big brown baby doll eyes.
My experience with infants was limited, as in I usually admired them from afar.
At least until they were a bit more sturdy.
I glanced over when I heard the click of a picture being taken.
“What was that for?”
“Because I need to show Tina.” Shae put down her phone, then leaned over to adjust my arms so I wasn’t holding them at such
an odd angle. Which wasn’t easy with the cast I still sported. “Relax, they can smell fear.” She laughed at her own joke,
but it only served to spike my anxiety.
“Maybe you should take him.”
Shae waved me off. “You got him. His neck isn’t as floppy as when he was fresh out the womb, so you good. But still support
it.”
“Support the neck. Got it. Don’t want to mess up and upset him,” I said, doing my best to ease my arm down so he rested more
in the crook of my elbow.
“He has a full belly and a fresh diaper, he should be good.”
My attention went back to Peanut, the nickname Shae had given him from the start. She said he looked like a shelled peanut
in the long gown and swaddle he’d been wearing the first time she’d seen him. And the name had stuck, with most of the team
calling him that in lieu of his name.
He was the first team baby—unofficially—so he had Cannon gear that he could grow into at least until he was five. Not to mention,
as athletes, we can be superstitious, so him being born right before our big game made him an instant lucky charm. So much
so, Shae had him a tiny MVB World Championship onesie made.
I stared at the little boy with his smooth, soft brown skin and big sweet eyes.
Never had I thought of myself as particularly maternal.
I didn’t know if this could be my life. To be solely responsible for the every need of someone else, someone so helpless.
And if I were being truthful, the thought terrified me.
Though Sasha did have a way with children.
I’d seen how easily she interacted with the coaches’ kids at games while waiting for me.
I’d caught her a few times patiently answering questions, or coloring with them.
Even how she was with Mya. She wasn’t a child, but still, I’d watched how patiently and eagerly she’d taught my sister how