Chapter 47
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Say something, Felicity.
Anything.
Just say some words.
‘You… don’t… know?’ she managed eventually. Whispered, really.
James looked up at her with his big blue eyes filled with tears.
‘Of course I know, you bloody idiot. How could you doubt it?’
He grinned at her then, even as tears were on his cheeks, and Felicity gave a squeal and fell forward into his arms, giddy with relief. He held her tightly for a few seconds, and then she broke the hold so she could punch him hard on the arm.
‘You total git,’ she said, laughing through her own tears.
‘Sorry, that was really mean. But you deserved it. You don’t trust me!’
‘Of course I trust you,’ said Felicity but it came out a little bit squeaky.
Do I? she thought.
‘Okay, tell me honestly. Brutal truth. Did you or did you not wonder if I’d slept with my ex-girlfriend while I was in Japan?’
Felicity bit her lip. ‘I did.’
‘There you are then.’ James waved a hand as if to conclude the discussion.
‘But… to be fair, you did just bugger off and leave me.’
‘Hold on a moment, I didn’t have a choice, I had to go–’
‘I know you had to, but it was pretty sudden. And you didn’t even think of taking me with you.’
‘I assumed you needed to help Andrea. I didn’t think she’d let you go away again for at least a million more years.’
‘And also… I don’t trust anyone,’ she said suddenly, as if it had just occurred to her. Which, in a way, it had.
James looked up at her with wide eyes and put his hand on her knee. ‘Go on,’ he said, and his voice was so tender that the tears started to roll.
It’s time.
Felicity sniffed and wiped her hand across her face like a small child. James smiled and handed her a tissue from the box on the table.
‘You’re right. I don’t trust you. I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone,’ she said, taking it and balling it up in her hand. ‘And with good reason. I seem to be surrounded by people who can’t be trusted. As you can see.’
A large sob came out of nowhere and it took a few moments to regain the ability to speak.
‘My dad walked out when we were tiny. You know that. And I don’t know if you remember but I always thought he was the cheater. You know, because men.’
James winced, and then nodded.
‘But when I went to Guernsey… I met this couple. This lovely old couple who knew my family, told me all about it. In fact, the man… well, he knew my mother really well , as it happens.’
James raised an eyebrow.
‘Yup,’ said Felicity. ‘You got it. My mum, it turns out, was cheating on my dad. When he walked out, I guess he was just at the end of his tether. I feel so bad that I blamed him all these years, thinking he’d just been heartless, basically, when it was really both their faults. There was this picture of my mum at a party and she’s staring at the camera and ignoring my dad. I couldn’t work out why until I realised she was staring at the photographer.’
‘No!’
‘Yes. The photographer was having an affair with her. That was the guy I met. He’s really old now, but he clearly remembers her. Still loves her, I guess. His poor wife. She was so kind to me and all I’ve done is open up some really nasty old wounds…’
Felicity drew in a long breath.
‘I don’t think he was the only one,’ she said quietly. ‘When I look back now, I can remember lots of other men who I guess I’ve blocked from my memory. She was an absolute minx, I reckon.’
James looked impressed for a moment, until Felicity gave him a mock slap on the leg and he changed his expression back to one of polite listening.
‘After Dad left, things got way worse. I think I told you some of it. Mum let us down constantly. My brother couldn’t wait to get out of there. He went to live with my dad and left us all alone. She was never there for me when I needed her, so I had to learn to cope, to deal with stuff on my own. But it was bad. I mean, really bad. I had to get myself to school. I had to deal with puberty. Often I was dealing with basic things like, I don’t know, finding food. Sometimes mopping my own mother up off the floor.’
James gave her knee a squeeze.
‘It wasn’t just the men. She drank. A whole lot. Especially at Christmas. It started at Christmas but then it was more like every day.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ murmured James, his face pale.
‘When she died…’ Felicity said slowly, feeling a physical pain in her jaw from clenching. She tried again. ‘When she died, it was sort of a relief, which I know is a dreadful thing to say out loud but there, I said it. The irony is, I spent so many years worried I would turn out like my dad, never realising I should be even more worried about turning out like my mum.’
‘You are nothing like either of them,’ said James emphatically.
‘It’s kind of you to say. And let’s be honest, it’s a pretty low bar.’ Felicity gave a forced laugh that came out like a snort and covered her mouth in horror. She grinned at James and tried to relax, tried to get the rest out. It felt good to say it out loud.
‘God knows where Dad is now. I never heard from him again. I mean, you don’t get much of a lower bar than that, parenting-wise, do you?’
James’ eyebrows flew up so high it looked as though they might touch his hairline. But a soft, ‘Wow,’ was all he said.
‘Yeah. Wow. That’s about the size of it. As you can imagine, I brought all those issues with me into my adult life, of course I did. My crap childhood, my crap parents, my tragic life, poor me, etc., etc. The upshot is, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m still totally useless at having grown-up relationships. And apparently all the important people in my life cheat. All of them. My best friend. My childhood sweetheart. My parents. All a bunch of big fat cheaters.’
James looked as if he was about to say something and then clearly thought better of it.
‘So… I’ve been having therapy to try and get it sorted.’
A warm smile spread across James’ face. ‘That’s great.’
‘I’m trying, I really am… So no, I don’t trust you but if it helps, you are not alone. How am I ever supposed to trust anyone?’
Felicity finished this little outburst and put her face in her hands, letting out giant heaving sobs and not even trying to hide them. James didn’t say a word, he just shuffled along the sofa and wrapped her in his arms. They stayed like that for a long time.