17. Kamryn – Age 25
“Liam, where do you see us?” I ask him while we’re lying in the bed of his truck.
We have a rare warm night and Liam called me asking if I’d like to watch the night sky with him. I can see the stars so clearly out here. The sound of crickets chirping the soundtrack to our night.
This spot became a bit of a safe place for us. It was the one spot where we could see the sun rise and the sun set. But tonight this night is buzzing with anticipation. Because despite there being no clouds in the night sky, I can’t see the stars. I can’t see the moon. Gone is the dreamer that’s stayed in a stagnant spot.
I guess I thought that once Liam and I solidified things it’d be smooth sailing. I expected the bumps in the road, because no relationship is smooth sailing. But once the MLB never called him things went kind of downhill. Sure, he’s had offers from Triple A and the minors, and he’s even coaching, but it’s ‘not the same’. Sarah and I have both told him to take the offers they give him. But with no guarantee, it was never enough for him. I think that baseball is baseball. Every major league baseball player has started with a farm team.
“I remember that night so clearly,” my voice is thick with emotion as I speak. “You said you see a future with me, but when I bring it up you shrink back? Why?”
He runs his hands down his face out of frustration and pushes himself up to a seated position. He hangs his head and drapes his arms on his knees. “Why do you do this Kamryn? We’ve been together what, four years?” I nod and he continues. “So why do you keep pushing a future and marriage with us? I thought things were good for us?”
I think about what he’s asking from me and I come up with no reason as to why he’s suddenly slowing down. I feel completely duped.
“Are you kidding me right now?!” I sit up from where I was laying down. “One of the reasons we’re together is because you promised you’d give me that happily ever after that I dreamed of. You promised! I spent a year with someone who pushed me aside for his dream. I never thought I’d relive that again. Sacrificing my dreams just because yours aren’t coming true is selfish. So why do I keep pushing for marriage? Because you promised. Because you made me, me again. Because you made me see a future past the day-to-day life I was living. For the longest time I didn’t think I’d get me back. But with you I did. With you I was beginning to see that happily ever after I had always hoped for.” Im exhausted.
I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought we were both moving towards that path together. When we had that big blowup fight a couple years ago, we went to therapy. Ultimately, we were advised that having separate living arrangements would be for the best. It worked for us. I found a cute little cottage that became my safe space. We started going on dates again. Liam started wooing me again. The butterflies that had vacated my body returned with vengeance. I fell in love with him all over again. The harder he re-pursued me, the easier it was to ignore our bigger plans.
We focused on the then and now. Not really giving marriage a second thought. But in the midst of our falling back in love, that picture was beginning to look clearer and clearer. That the future I had firmly in my grasp was solid. The words I thought were just words, were finally backed up with actions. Liam wooed me. Yet it seemed like he hid even the deepest part of him from our therapist and me.
He looks off to the water crashing on the shore, knowing that I hit the nail on the head. “I thought that maybe, I’d be enough for you. That you would change your mind about marriage and kids. That what we had would be enough. And that you wouldn’t want a piece of paper or the picket fence with the two point five kids to make what we have legit. I just don’t think I can be the man you need me to be, when I’m not even the man that I want to be.” He says looking into my eyes.
“Your nobility is really trying to disguise your actions as manipulation. Is that what that was at the party? You manipulate me into being with you? Finally wanting me after he was out of the picture?! That is so sick! Was any of it real?” I ask with tears burning my eyes.
“Of course it was real Kamryn!” Liam asks exasperated. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry for stringing you along? That I’m no longer the man you thought I was? My mind and feelings have changed. I don’t want to get married, and I don’t want to have kids. I just want things to be like they are now.”
And just like that. The future that I had perfectly envisioned with him was slipping through my fingers. In fact, it’s not even in my grasp anymore. For years I convinced myself he would ask me when it was the right time. But now I’m seeing that none of it will ever be the right time.
I think back to every single one of our dates. The time and effort in which he planned them out. The promises. The interest. And then I look back at them with new eyes. The dates that never veered off to talks about the future. They always focused on the past and how good college life was. How could I have been so blind? It’s like we’re walking down mirroring roads where mine is freshly paved and his is littered with potholes.
“If you think I’m happy with the way things are now, then you don’t know me at all Liam. I grew up wanting a family. I grew up wanting a marriage. I grew up wanting a husband. I grew up wanting what each of our parents have. I grew up! Did the last two years not teach you anything? I cannot believe I fell for another athlete who gave me his empty promises to put me first.”
Is it so wrong that I want to have it all? I keep giving little tiny pieces of myself to those I’m in relationships with. And by the end they’re left with all of me. But what about me? What am I left with?
I run my hands through my hair in frustration at a loss of what to do. Tears of frustration finally spill over. Deciding to do the one thing, I wish I didn’t have to do. “Liam…I think we should take a break. From us.”
He straightens up in a panic. “What?! NO! Kamryn, I love you.”
“I love you too, Liam. So much that it physically pains me. Do you remember our freshman year?” I wipe the tears away that have poured down my face and glance over at him to see him nodding whilst looking at me. “I thought that would be it for us. That what our parents saw when they looked at us, was finally happening. But then you ignored me. Every text I sent went without response. Oh my god.” I say as the sudden realization that he never planned for full commitment hits me. If he could so easily ghost me when he got scared with his feelings, then what did that say about him now?
Liam reaches over to grab my hand but I snatch it away.
“No! Oh my God. I am so stupid.” Scrambling to put my shoes on. I can’t believe I was so blind to not see it. “We need…no, I need some time. And you need to figure out if you’re letting me go or you’re letting me in.” At what point do you just throw in the towel? At what point do you decide that you’ve finally had enough?
“Kamryn, if you walk away I don’t think I’ll come back from this. I won’t survive. Just give me some time. Please.” The plea in his voice almost makes me change my mind. Because all I see is a scared little boy.
With clear eyes as if I’m seeing this relationship from an outsiders perspective, I give my full attention to the boy who’s been in my life since I was seven years old. My lips tremble with new sobs and fresh tears that threaten to steal all the power over this talk. “I can’t be the one to make you change. As much as you want me to, I can’t. I deserve someone who is willing to change on their own. Someone who is willing to meet me halfway and then some. You’re not doing that for me Liam. And it is exhausting being the one that’s all in.”
“Baby, please just give us some time. Give me some time, please,” Liam pleads with me.
But when is too late, too late? Is it when your safety net is threatening to tear apart at the seams? Because too late can’t be when everything is supposed to go right.
I look up into the night sky trying to gather what little strength I have. “Liam, Ive already given you four years. If we’re completely honest, I’ve given you almost twenty years. Just give us some space. When you’re ready to admit forever is what you want with me, then I’ll be there.” I give him a lingering kiss on the cheek. “I love you. I always will. And nothing can change that. I wish I could stop wanting what I want. But I can’t compromise my needs for what you think I should want. Call me when your needs and wants, line up with my needs and wants.” I slide out of his truck and walk to my car without a glance back.
I’m not being hard on him. If anything, I’ve been patient with him. Too patient. Should I have walked away those years ago? Should I have given him another ultimatum? Did we rush into this?
My phone rings and I see Jax’s name and picture pop up. “Hey Jax.”
“Hey sissy. What’s wrong?”
“I think Liam and I are done,” the admission I’ve possibly failed hurts more than I realize.
“What? Why?”
“He doesn’t…” The tears break the dam. “He broke his promise to me.”
“Kam, I’m so sorry.”
I sniffle as tears threaten to fall. “Yeah, so am I.”
I once heard that broken promises are just false hopes and full of emptiness knowing that they won’t be kept. Is it irrational to hold on to a promise in hopes that you’ll be chosen along with it?