Chapter 3
CHAPTER THREE
“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE shitting me,” Millie says, shouldering open the door to my apartment. Sunlight spills in, transforming the pale pink walls into bold rose. She blows her feathery brown bangs out of her eyes, and I rush to relieve her of the paper grocery bags she’s struggling with.
“I assure you, I’m not. She actually used the word mentor.” I set the three bags on the glass dining table next to the entry and begin rummaging through them. Tequila, tortilla chips, salsa, margarita mix.
“What is all this? I ordered pizza.”
“People like munchies.” She pulls a six pack of Diet Coke out of the third bag. “I love you, but you don’t know how to stock a kitchen.”
“Um, ouch.” I stride to the fridge, ready to make her eat her words. But when I swing the door open, the lone carton of milk and expired pack of string cheese don’t help my case.
She sighs.
Great. Here comes the lecture. Even though Millie is only three months older than me, she’s the eldest of her three sisters. And when we started living together, she immediately reprised the role.
“That’s exactly how I left it when I moved out four months ago.” She picks up the unopened pack of cheese. “This was my going away present to you.”
“I bought fresh milk.”
“Don’t tell me you’re back to eating cereal for dinner.”
“I’m not.” Not every night.
She frowns, opening the cupboard next to the stove. “Froot Loops, Cocoa Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What are you, five?”
“I’m just busy, okay? I barely get home before ten.”
“Why have you been working so much?” She slides the soda into the fridge, then shuts it with her hip. “You used to race home as soon as your classes got out.”
I shrug. “It’s just a little too quiet here now.”
Her face falls, and I curse myself for saying too much. The last thing I want is for her to feel guilty. I’m glad she moved in with her fiancé. Truly. And I don’t want to steal her joy by making her worry about me.
“How’s Matt?” I ask, grabbing a plastic bowl for the chips and a smaller one for the salsa.
She purses her lips a moment, but then wraps her arms around me from behind. “He’s nowhere near as fun as you.”
“Well, that’s a given.” I know she’s just saying that for my benefit, but it still feels good.
“We’re not talking about him, though,” she says, popping open the salsa and dumping it into the bowl. “We’re talking about how the universe is gifting you a second chance with Alex.”
I hold up a hand to slow her roll. “Okay, first of all, you will not reference anything about the past today, do you understand? You’re the only person who knows about him, and it needs to stay that way.”
She’s about to argue, but when she sees the feral warning in my eyes, she lifts her hands in mock surrender.
“Good. Moving on. Next, there will be no second chance. We’re strictly colleagues, and at the rate we’re going, it will be a miracle if we get through the semester.”
She dips a chip and stuffs the oversized triangle in her mouth. “I give it three months before the two of you are knocking boots.” She pumps her eyebrows and I groan.
“Okay, this is the type of thing I need you not to say. And trust me, we’re not going to be knocking anything. Except maybe heads.”
Mouth still full, she manages a muffled, “Mm-hmm.”
“Look.” I brace my hands on her shoulders. “I know you refuse to believe it, but I don’t like Alex like that anymore. I’ve moved on.” I’d say he has, too, except there was nothing for him to move on from. He never saw me that way to begin with.
The doorbell rings and my breath catches. Shit. Did he hear me? I shoot Millie a desperate look, and she gestures for me to take a breath.
With a deep inhale, I plaster on a smile and grasp the knob. But when I open the door, I’m met with Vera and Tina.
There’s barely time to exhale my relief, because Tina plows in with a large box, nearly knocking me over. She plops the plastic bin on the floor, and Vera sweeps me into a hug, her shoulder-length coils brushing my cheek. “Is he here yet?”
“No, not yet.”
Tina rubs her hands together. “I can’t wait for Alex to meet His Majesty.”
Oh, god.
“I don’t think that’s necess—”
“A-bub-bub,” Tina shushes me, ripping the lid off the box. “If he’s going to teach sex, we’re going to immerse him in it. By the time we’re done, he’ll know enough to make Evelyn Davera proud.”
I scoff. I seriously doubt I know enough to make Evelyn Davera proud. How can one even dream of impressing the mother of modern contraceptive research?
“Did Dr. Davera ever reply to your fangirl comment on her article about advances in male contraception?” Millie asks.
Tina gathers up her stringy blond hair and ties it into a messy bun. “No, but she doesn’t really seem the tech-savvy type. She’s got to be close to seventy now.”
“Remember when we were going to attend her session at the Reproductive Health Conference in Boston three years ago?” Vera sighs wistfully.
Ugh. Such a devastating blow. Our VIP passes went to waste when Evelyn came down with strep throat and had to cancel.
Millie pouts. “I’m still bummed about it.”
“There will be other conferences.” Tina digs through the bin, then hands Vera a roll of masking tape and a swath of rolled-up posters bound with rubber bands. “Help me put these up, V.”
The two of them get to work, hanging reproductive health posters on every available inch of pink wall space in my two-bedroom apartment. By the time they’re done, it looks like the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood.
Tina dusts off her hands, then strides back to the box.
She shuffles around until she locates a sparkly purple dildo loaded with copious amounts of glitter.
“Hello, Sire.” She grips the model by the balls—because of course she does—lifting it ceremonially above her head.
“Under the proclamation of His Majesty, I hereby christen this humble abode as the official headquarters of the Bang Gang.” She plunks the dildo in the middle of the table, suctioning it to the glass.
“T,” I groan. “I don’t want to stare at that while I eat. That’s right where the pizza’s going.” As if on cue, there’s a knock at the door. “This poor delivery guy is going to think he’s walking into a porno.” I grab a dish towel and toss it over the purple jelly.
“How dare you disrespect His Royal Highness,” Tina says, yanking it off.
But when I open the door, it’s not the delivery guy.
It’s Alex.
He bites his lip. “Did you say something about a porno?”
My jaw slackens, but before I can respond, Tina pops up behind me. “Depends,” she says. “Are you more of a background extra or a leading lady?”
“Tina!”
“We got to break him in, Junie.” An unhinged grin stretches across her face, and she leans closer to Alex. “I’m going to break you.”
“No one is breaking anyone.” I nudge her away and invite Alex in.
“This is Tina Jeffries. She teaches human sexuality at Cal State LA.” I lock eyes with her behind Alex and mouth the words be nice.
She quirks her lips but shakes his hand.
Then Vera steps in. “Vera Washington. USC.”
“Vera is an expert in healthcare disparities. She was even on CNN.”
“Wow.” Alex lifts his eyebrows. “That’s really impressive.”
I nod toward Millie. “I’m not sure if you’ve met Millie McCann. She’s at Barrett with us but in the Women and Gender Studies Department.”
“Nice to meet you all.” He glances between the four of us. “How do you know each other?”
“From undergrad,” I offer. “We all interned at the student health center together our senior year.”
“And we do a girls’ trip every summer.” Tina bumps Millie with her hip. “Don’t know if we can beat last year’s trip to Vegas, though.”
Alex looks between them, obviously intrigued. “What happened in Vegas?”
“That stays in Vegas,” Vera snaps.
“Right.” Alex smiles sheepishly. “Well, thanks for giving up your Saturday for this. I really appreciate your time.” He steps farther into the apartment, his gaze flitting about the living room.
A knowing grin tugs at his lips as he eyes the framed Georgia O’Keeffe print above my teal couch.
It would have been sacrilege to cover it with the posters.
Then, his eyes lock on the impromptu wallpaper. He rubs his jaw, studying the posters up close as if he’s at a Van Gogh exhibit.
“Are you looking for the clitoris?” Tina calls from the kitchen. “It’s more elusive than Waldo.”
Alex slowly turns to face her, then taps his finger against the printout.
She rests her elbows on the counter. “Lucky guess.”
“Or he’s experienced,” Vera says, sidling up to him. She links her arm with his, looking up at him through her lashes. “Do you always find the clitoris on your first try, Dr. Cardoso?”
“Um …” A deep blush creeps up Alex’s neck and he grins at the carpet.
My mouth falls open as Millie settles in next to me. “What the fuck is she doing?” I say under my breath. “They’ve barely met.”
“Over him, huh?” She elbows me. “Your face is redder than the salsa.”
I scoff. “It has nothing to do with that. I invited him over to learn the material, not get sexually harassed.”
“Something tells me he can handle himself.”
I chew the inside of my cheek as Vera licks her lips, running her finger down his bicep. “Oooh,” she purrs, “someone works out.”
He laughs awkwardly, then clears his throat. “I—”
“AAAANGH” she shouts, and he startles at the grating sound of her imaginary buzzer. “Wrong answer.”
“Wait, what?” He holds his hand up as he slumps against the wall.
“Alex, some of these undergrads are going to throw themselves at you. You cannot react this way. Getting all flustered, turning red.” She shakes her head. “They’ll eat you alive.”
“Shit.” He rubs his temples, looking between Tina and Vera. “You really are going to break me.”
Tina nods gleefully. “You bet your ass we are.”
Over the next two hours, we alternate between trivia and pop quizzes. Tina does her best to stump Alex, but he nails every response, including the trick questions.