Chapter 5 #4
“Don’t keep pushing, baby,” he whispered, tapping his finger against the table.
“Do you feel safe when you’re with me? When you met me, what drew you to me?
It wasn’t just who you thought I could be based on me being at Pyramid.
It was because I made you feel secure. Even now, looking at me, tryna figure me out, you still feel safe.
You still know ain’t a mothafucka alive who could hurt you, whether you’re in my presence or not. ”
I pressed my lips together, unable to respond right away. Truth is, I did feel safe physically. My mental and emotional safety was what I was struggling with. Azani had power that he didn’t understand. He had my heart in the palm of his hand, even knowing how manipulative he’d been.
“You’re right about that. I do feel safe, but I also feel controlled.
You are still controlling me. What I do, where I go.
You still act like everything’s okay with us, and it’s not.
My morning tea, flowers, still getting my cars cleaned, my dry cleaning, and texting me every day to say you love me, when you know your love comes with control. Your love comes with deception.”
His chest rose and fell like he was trying to regulate himself, but so was I. We were stuck together, and we had to find a way to navigate life through it.
“I already lost you, Dev. I’m not tryna control you.
I love you. I don’t know what you want me to do.
You want me to shut off my feelings for you, and I can’t.
You want me to tell you that I never cared, so it’s easier for you to walk away and make this about duty.
You and I both know that what we have is deeper than duty,” he said softly.
I laughed once, shaking my head. “You said you specialize in strategy, right? Is that what you used to make me fall for you? Did you use strategy, trying to fuck me into submission? Did you use it with your surprises? How about meeting your family? Was that all a part of your plan?”
His body went stiff, eyes narrowed, nostrils flared.
“Do you feel better reducing us to that? Your heart, when you think about me, did it feel like I ain’t give a fuck or I was using you?
Every fuckin’ thing you feel is real. Your body…
when you think about the way I touched you, did it feel like that shit came from a man who just wanted to fuck you?
You know better, Dev. I made love to your whole body.
I gave you my heart, my body, and my mind.
I love you, and you know it. You feel that shit now. ”
I swallowed hard, trying to control my breathing. I felt his love all over me. What I said hurt him… I could tell by the way he looked at me.
“You… you hurt me,” I said, voice shaking. “What I feel doesn’t matter. It’s what I know now. How can I ever trust you again? I’m supposed to marry you, and I don’t trust you. This love is built on a lie, Azani. The foundation is ruined.”
“I want to earn your trust, baby. I don’t give a fuck about the arrangement. I don’t care about what our families want. I care about you and me. What do you need from me? Tell me, and I’ll do it,” he replied, eyes pleading with me.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I think I need a little more space so I can think.”
He let out a breath and leaned forward. “What kind of space, Dev? Tell me what I can and can’t do. Christmas is only a few days away. Can I see you to give you your gifts? If you don’t want me to see you, can I at least get Vic to give them to you?”
I shook my head, blocking out everything so I could focus.
“No more flowers. Let me figure out how to do life without you again. My tea, my cars, my dry cleaning, texting me when you have to leave for work, no “I love you” text. All of it.” My chest tightened, realizing I was cutting off my own comfort.
“And I don’t know about the gifts. I need time. ”
“Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll pull back. When can I see you again? Everything on your terms and your time.”
“I’ll let you know. I need to go, Azani. I already stayed longer than I should’ve.”
I scooted my chair back and stood up, sliding my arms into my coat. I grabbed my purse and pulled it over my shoulder.
“Wait, Dev. Let me walk you out, at least.”
He stood, letting me walk ahead. I could feel his presence around me so strongly, even when he kept his distance. When I stepped outside, the wind smacked me in the face, but the warmth I felt behind me didn’t go away.
Before I could reach Vic’s truck, he was in front of me, opening the door. Instinctively, I placed my hand in his as I stepped into the truck. Once I was seated, I looked at him, and he was staring at me.
“I love you, Devyn.” The way he said it hurt my heart.
“I love you, too.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. His lips didn’t move immediately; they lingered like he didn’t want to pull away.
I closed my eyes, leaning into it. When he finally pulled away, he stepped back and closed my door.
As the truck pulled away, I stared at him through the heavy tints.
Every tear I’d been holding in fell. Boundaries were okay when my heart wasn’t in it, but now, boundaries felt like my heart breaking beyond repair.
For the first time since finding out the truth, one thing became painfully clear: despite everything, I still loved him. I couldn’t walk away entirely, but I had to keep my self-respect and dignity.