Chapter 6
—AZANI
Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas. I was running on this treadmill like a mothafucka was chasing me.
I hadn’t texted Devyn since I saw her two days ago at the tea shop.
Every boundary she set, I respected it. I even turned off the tracker in her bracelet.
When Vic called me yesterday to say she was going to a Christmas party, I told him I didn’t want to know the details.
As hard as it was, I was giving her space. But I fuckin’ missed her. Her gifts were still wrapped and in bags. Today, I had to ask her if she wanted them. I knew she still wasn’t fuckin’ with her family. Her friends were probably with their families, and she was alone.
I wish she would ask me to be there for her…
I jumped off the treadmill, sweat pouring down my face. Peeking out the window, I noticed that the snow had finally slowed down. The wind howled, blowing hard, rustling the trees. It was dead outside, just like I felt inside.
My phone buzzed against the table, and I picked it up. It was my mom calling on FaceTime. I dropped on the couch and answered.
“Merry Christmas, son,” my mom said, smiling big and bright.
“Merry Christmas, Mom. Did you get the gifts I sent you?” I asked, smiling back at her.
“Yes, I got them. I’d rather you be here with me. I miss you, Azani.”
I knew she missed me, and I missed her, but I couldn’t be under the same roof as Asad. She knew it, and that’s why she didn’t pressure me to come this year for Christmas.
“I miss you too. I’m sorry I’m not there. Did you cook, or did the servants cook today?” I asked, smirking.
“Now, you know I cooked! You know I get in the kitchen on holidays. Where’s Devyn?”
One question I hoped she wouldn’t ask, and she did. It just pushed me further to breaking down and asking Devyn if she wanted her gifts. I couldn’t decide whether I would lie to my mom or just tell her we broke up, so I just sat there and stared at her for a minute.
“Azani… what’s wrong? What happened?” my mom asked, eyes softening.
I rubbed my hand down my face, jaw tight. Lying wouldn’t do shit but make me have to keep up the lie.
“We broke up, Mama.”
“How? But you two can’t break up… That’s not how it works. You have to fix it,” she said, standing up and pacing.
“Because I lied, and I am tryna fix it. It’s not that easy with Devyn. Telling her I’m sorry ain’t enough.”
She sighed, sitting down. “Well… I’m sorry that you’re alone on Christmas. I know you’re a grown man, but you can always call your mother. I’m on a call away.”
“I know,” I said, getting distracted by a text popping up.
Bratty Baby: Are you busy?
My heart pounded in my chest. “I promise to call more. But I’m okay. I love you, Mama.”
“I love you more. I’ll call on New Year’s Day.”
She blew me a kiss, then hung up.
I threw my head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling fan spinning. My hand gripped my phone, thinking about what I would say back when it was simple. I wasn’t busy… all I had to say was no.
Me: No. You good?
Bratty Baby: No…
Me: What’s wrong?
She was texting back fast as hell. I knew she was lonely. That shit hurt. She wasn’t supposed to be lonely on Christmas.
Bratty Baby: I’m alone. Can you come here?
Me: Yeah. Can I bring your gifts?
Bratty Baby: Yes, please.
I stood and damn near ran upstairs. When I stepped into the bedroom, I grabbed something to throw on, then started the shower. The only thing I could think about as I stepped into the shower was how I would handle being around Devyn. Would she let me hug her… hold her… kiss her?
She might not even let me get close. Maybe she just wanted my presence. Either way, I needed to get my mind right. I couldn’t overstep… I had to move at her pace.
Don’t try to control this shit. She’ll cut you off again…
Once I finished showering, I dried off, got dressed, grabbed my keys and her gifts, and I was out the door. The whole ride to Devyn’s, I smoked my blunt, tryna settle my nerves. The snow started falling hard again, and I knew the shit would only get worse.
When I pulled into her parking garage, Vic was sitting in his truck. I parked beside him, then hopped out to grab Devyn’s gifts.
“Devyn knows you here?” he asked with a smirk.
“Yeah, nigga, she invited me,” I said over my shoulder while walking toward the elevator.
The elevator doors closed behind me, and I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself to see her.
The elevator stopped, but so did my heart.
I walked off, then stood in front of her door for a second.
Before I could knock, she opened the door, wrapped in a fluffy robe.
I knew she’d been crying from how puffy her eyes were.
She sighed, looking up at me. “Thank you for coming.”
She stepped aside to let me in. I walked into the living room, and her drapes were pulled back. Snow piled up on her balcony in mounds. There was a small Christmas tree set up in the corner, and Christmas music played softly in the background.
I dropped on the couch and set the gifts beside me. Finally, I looked over at her. She felt so far away. I wanted her closer, but I didn’t want to fuck up. The way she was looking at me told me everything. I could see her fear. How on edge she was because I was in her space.
“What’s wrong, Dev? You want me to leave? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” I quietly said, tryna keep from reaching out to touch her.
“No… I don’t want you to leave. And I don’t know what’s wrong,” she whispered, curling her feet under her body.
I exhaled, leaning into the couch. “What do you need?”
Her gaze moved over my face, then back to the couch. “I want Christmas to be what we planned. I want my family… I want you. I want everything to feel right again. But it’s not. Everything is wrong,” she said.
“I’m sorry for everything. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel the way you do right now.”
She just shook her head once and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the couch. Pain was written all over her face. When she wrapped her arms around her body, that pain hit me right in the heart. I clutched my chest, staring at her through the dim lighting.
Look at the result of you keeping the truth from her. Was it worth it?
With everything she still didn’t know, I knew she’d have more days feeling like this. Some I caused, and others were caused by other people connected to this whole situation. She lifted her head slowly and stared at me. She wouldn’t look away.
“What did you get me for Christmas?” she asked.
I pushed her gifts closer to her. “Open them.”
She picked up the first box inside the bag closest to her and shook it. Slowly, she tore off the wrapping paper until she got it all off. When she opened the box, her face lit up, and she smiled at me for the first time since my world came crashing down.
“Yellow pointe shoes?” she squealed. “They’re so pretty. Thank you!”
Her happiness was all I wanted. She lit up, pulling out a bigger box of new leotards and outfits to go with the shoes. The way she held the material in her hands, smiling, let me know I chose the right ones.
Then, she pulled out her new tennis bag and a new racket. A few tennis dresses and sneakers. When she reached inside, she pulled out the last two gifts; she chose the smallest box first.
“Every gift is so thoughtful,” she said, tearing the wrapping paper.
As soon as she cracked open the box, she looked at me, grinning. Then, her smile dropped.
“You know me…” she whispered, looking sad again.
Damn, I didn’t think diamond earrings would make her sad.
“Yeah, baby… I do.”
She went quiet, grabbing the last gift—a purse. Hermes, all black, a new bag she could wear with almost anything. She felt how heavy the bag was and dug inside, pulling out the stacks of money.
She shook her head, smiling softly. “You did good. You must have planned this for a while.”
I swallowed hard, hoping her smile would last for a while longer.
“Yeah, since Dubai. Got your pointe shoes made while we were there. It’s one more gift,” I said, digging in my pocket.
She stared at me as I placed the small black titanium card in her hand. “If anything happens to me, you’re taken care of, no matter what. Put it in your safe and don’t tell anybody, Dev. This is just for you.”
Devyn looked down at the card, rubbing her thumb across her name engraved with the last name Stone behind it.
That’s who she would be, no matter what.
And it had to be that way. I wanted her to be secure and safe.
The life I lived was more dangerous than she could imagine.
Just being with me put her in harm’s way.
Being my wife would only increase her chances of being hurt.
When she finally looked up at me, she stared at me for a second, then turned her head, staring at the wall.
“What are you preparing me for, Azani? Why does this feel final?”
“To be my wife. Security and protection. You hold all the power, Devyn. I live a dangerous ass life, and I don’t want anybody to be confused if anything happens to me. I don’t want to scare you, but this will be our life.”
She licked her lips nervously, then shoved the key in her robe pocket. “Well, let me give you your gifts, too. No sense in holding onto gifts if something might happen to you.”
She got up fast, went into her room, and came back with gift bags and boxes, laying them at my feet. She sat closer to me but still far enough away that I couldn’t touch her. I hadn’t been able to feel her since she told me to get out over a week ago.
Just let me touch you, baby. I need to hold you…
I dug inside the first bag and pulled out a new briefcase. Montblanc, matte black. She got this custom-made. My initials were engraved on the side in gold lettering. My baby paid attention to me.
“This is nice as hell,” I said, glancing at her.