Chapter 23
Candace
“Iwant you both to know that my love for you is unconditional. Having a new person around doesn't change that.” Madison sits in my lap while we finish our first dating discussion. We’ve gone through every question and concern for over an hour, and Nat’s due here any minute.
After our bathroom run-in I figured it was time to come clean with them.
My stomach was in knots the entire time.
How does one explain to their children that they were once with a man, their father, and now they’re with a woman?
A woman who is significantly younger and teaches at their school, might I add.
I tossed and turned for nights, contemplating every way to do it, what to leave out, what to make sure they understood.
It’s a relationship I’m still coming to terms with and still have my own questions about.
Hearing about Nat’s past with her parents made me eager to explain things to my girls.
I was torn up hearing how unfair they were because my kids are my entire world.
My love for them knows no bounds, and whatever gender they bring home is irrelevant as long as they’re a good person and treat them right.
The hardest part of this talk was asking them to keep it quiet from the outside world.
I hate secrets, but it’s something I’m not ready for everyone to know about just yet.
“So it’ll be like our own little world,” Kate asked, excited to have her new bestie around more.
“Kind of, for now. Aunty Court knows, but other than that, I’d like us to stay between us. It’s still very new, does that work?”
Madison nods. She’s my protector, and took the news of the divorce the hardest. “Is she your girlfriend?” Her face is scrunched up as she pieces this together.
“We haven’t really made it that far. We’ve been going on dates and seeing where it goes. Between the three of us, I really enjoy having her around,” I admit out loud for the first time. The sense of relief is like a fifty-pound weight lifting off my chest.
“We like having her around, too. Does she get to spend the night?” Kate asks eagerly.
“Maybe. I hope so. Is that going to be okay with you guys if she occasionally spends the night?” I ask, gently combing my fingers through Madison’s hair.
The doorbell rings before they can answer, and Kate jumps up, heading to get the door, leaving me alone with her sister. “What’s going through your head, pretty lady?”
“Is it okay if I like boys and not girls, like you?” she asks, with hesitancy in her voice.
“Of course, it’s okay. You can like whomever you want. I know it’s kind of confusing, trust me, I'm still processing it. Just because I was married to a man doesn't automatically mean you’re going to want to marry one. And now that I’m with Nat doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to women.”
Her nod is enough of an answer for me, so I kiss the top of her head and push us up to go downstairs. We’re barely down the last step, and I can already hear Kate talking Nat’s ear off about a TRL countdown gone wrong.
Nat’s casual as always tonight, in baggy black sweatpants and a ripped black hoodie with bleach stains.
Her hair’s up in a giant bun, and her face is wiped clean with not a trace of makeup.
When she’s not in full glam, I forget just how much younger she is than me.
Tonight, with her youthful glow on display, it slaps me right across my wrinkled, freckle-covered face that we’re from different generations.
“So I take it the talk went well, seeing as Kate answered the door and referred to me as ‘the girlfriend,’” Nat says, sauntering towards me once the girls unglued themselves from her and made their way to the TV.
“It did. I was so nervous. I didn’t explicitly call you my girlfriend.
I said we were dating. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.
There was so much I wanted to say and explain, and looking back, I’m not sure I made it through even half of my list.” My hand palms my face with embarrassment as I replay it all, wishing I could go back and redo it.
“Please, I’m never uncomfortable. You just secretly wanted me to be your girlfriend, so you had your daughter do your dirty work.
” She winks, and my heart plummets. “I’m sure you knocked it out of the park.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this.
Well, I guess the wrong way would be to kick your child to the curb, but as long as they didn’t kick you out, you’re golden. ”
“They were hoping you’d spend the night, but I don’t see any of your stuff,” I say, looking around for a suitcase or a large tote bag.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on needing any clothes tonight.” The thought sends shivers through my entire body, waking up the horny teenager that’s dying to be unleashed. “But, for the times I’ll need them, I’ll just steal yours.”
She places a chaste kiss on my cheek and goes to join my girls on the couch, leaving me a speechless, drooling mess.
No clothes mean sex, right? When a man and a woman get naked, that’s typically the goal.
I assume it applies to a woman as well. Nudity equals sexy time.
Oh, boy. Am I ready for that? Technically, I’ve already had a couple of orgasms at the hands, well, fingers, of Nat.
There’s more to girl-on-girl sex, though.
I’m sure of it. Why didn’t I do any research on this?
Before I can finish my inner monologue on lesbian love making, a shout comes from the couch. “The time for overthinking is over. Now, get in here before I introduce the girls to Rob Zombie.”
The girls are on either side of Nat, cuddled up under plush blankets.
There’s a familiarity to the scene, reminding me of their love and affection for Courtney.
I’m amazed at how quickly they’ve warmed up and allowed her into their lives.
I’m jealous and want to be wrapped just as tightly.
She’s consuming all of us, and I want into her space just as much as they do.
“I’m not moving. I was here first,” Kate warns, burying herself deeper under her blanket.
“Yeah, Mom. I just got comfortable. This is my cocoon, and I’m not leaving," Madison whines.
Nat adjusts herself so she’s sitting up, and pushes Madi’s feet off her lap to make room. “Move over, little homie, so your mom can join.”
Grabbing my favorite pink cashmere blanket, I scoot next to them right as Nat reaches over to grab my hand behind my daughter's head. With one hand interlaced with my fingers, she uses the other to flip through channels until the girls both scream when she lands on Charlie’s Angels, right at the beginning.
Sleep takes over my body halfway through the movie, all thanks to Nat’s body temperature.
I feel safe and warm with her here. For the first time in a while, I’m not in fight or flight, and my mind can rest easy, knowing everyone I care about is here.
The depth I sleep when she’s around is heavier than any pharmaceutical prescribed to me, which is proven true when I’m jolted awake by screaming.