Chapter 43
Candace
Therapy took longer than expected, leaving me drained and ready for bed before the sun had set.
The news of Madison starting her period at school, however, woke me right up.
My doctor likes focusing on the emotions I’m running away from, and currently, I’m experiencing a big one: guilt.
Mom guilt is by far my least favorite, and unfortunately, I feel it daily.
Is the absence of a man causing harm to their self-esteem?
Will they have daddy issues, stemming from abandonment, and seek out attention from boys?
Am I around enough and available to them?
Are they developing good social skills, or is the divorce affecting the way they see relationships?
Honestly, it’s a never-ending cycle of unanswered questions leading to more, you guessed it, mom guilt.
Madi ran me through the entire ordeal when we got home.
What mother misses such a monumental milestone?
I was there for her first steps, potty training, and the first day of school.
The day she became a woman is the one time I wasn't there for her. I can’t help but feel relief amongst the negative emotions I’m battling.
Was it unexpected that Nat held her hand through such an upsetting moment?
Absolutely, but I’m not all that disappointed.
She’s the epitome of a girl's girl. If it couldn’t have been me, I’m glad she was the one to step in.
There’s not much I’ll pat myself on the back for these days, but adding her as an emergency contact deserves the praise.
Not only do my girls rely on her, they trust her and expect her to be a permanent part of their lives.
Regardless of the ups and downs, the betrayal, and the way we’ve both humiliated each other, she’s never let my girls down.
Sadly, I can’t say the same about their own father.
I’ve done so much on my own that the thought of trusting someone to parent with me has me spiraling down the motherhood rabbit hole.
The one thing a single mom has at the top of her list when looking for a partner is, how will this affect my kids?
Will you step in and love them unconditionally, despite them not being biologically yours?
Unbeknownst to me, Nat checked every box for characteristics in a future partner.
I saw it from the very beginning, the way she just casually became a part of the family with no reservations or expectations of us.
I was the one second-guessing everything while she was giving one hundred percent after our first date.
Obviously, I assumed the person I’d date after the divorce would be a man, but the way Nat handled the period situation today opened my eyes to what I really want.
I’m sorry, but Greg would’ve handed the situation to me, claiming he wasn’t familiar with ‘lady troubles.’ How many other men would’ve done the same, leaving my scared daughter helpless and bleeding through her underwear?
Kate’s jealous that Madi started before her, but once I got her all situated with the right-sized pads and made her a little kit she can take to school, I tucked them in for the night, making sure Madi had a heating pad nearby in case her cramps came back.
Although it’s dark and a school night, this conversation can’t wait another second.
Nat’s apartment comes into view, and my stomach is in knots, eager to see her.
A phone call thanking her would have sufficed, but it wouldn’t convey how utterly grateful I am.
She’s definitely going to accuse me of using her as a booty call, but I don’t care.
“Oh, we weren’t expecting company.” An older man with a strong jawline and wild greys opens the door, surprised.
Looking around for Nat or Megan, I double-check I'm at the right address. “I’m looking for Natalie. Are you Megan’s father? I’m Candace, so nice to meet you.”
“Father? Honey, I’m not Megan’s father, but I hope she calls me daddy tonight if you know what I mean,” he whispers, leaning in towards me.
“Oh, my God!” I shriek, calling attention to Megan, who makes her presence known.
She’s holding the hand of an incredibly busty woman about my age dressed in a cream satin robe. “Why don’t you two get started in my room while I talk to Candace.”
“Don’t take too long, dollface,” the man calls out, leading the woman back into the bedroom.
“Sorry about that,” Megan rushes out. “Would you mind not telling Nat about this? I forgot to clear it with her first, that I’m hosting the couple I accidentally got into a relationship with.”
“Wow, not what I was expecting. So Nat’s not here?” I slowly back away from the door, unsure of what else this place has in store for me.
“Nope. She went to some open mic thing downtown, probably for a few more hours. You’re welcome to come inside and wait.”
“Oh, no, thank you.” I wave her off. “ I once walked in on my parents, and that traumatized me enough. I’ll leave you alone with your married couple.”
“I’ll tell her you stopped by.” The door shuts, and I make a run for it before I hear what kind of noises three people make when they’re alone.
“I take it Natalie wasn’t home?” Court asks, flicking on the light in her guest bedroom.
My eyes squint, adjusting to the sudden brightness. “What gave it away?” I ask, shoveling a spoon into my mouth.
“For starters, you’re watching Titanic alone in the dark, polishing off a pint of Cherry Garcia.” Her brows lift as she inspects the mess I’ve made.
“Would you let me lick my wounds in peace, please? I’m finding it very therapeutic watching this ship sink.”
“You know what?” She slams her hand against the door, grabbing my attention.
“No. I’ve held my tongue long enough, and refuse to give in to this or watch you lick anything.
You’re madly in love with that woman, and you’re too scared to own it.
She hurt you badly, almost beyond repair, I get it.
What she did was unforgivable in some circles, but not for you, and that freaks you out. ”
“Wait a minute...” I lift my finger to interject.
“Nope. It’s my turn.” She stabs her finger into her chest. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
I haven’t seen you, I mean, really seen you in years, and she brought you back.
The love you had for Greg doesn’t even come close to how you feel for her.
Don’t even deny it. You light up a room again, you sing when you answer the phone, and laugh, like really sincerely laugh.
It’s your choice what you do, but that girl won me over, and I’m so tired of you letting your life pass by while you stay put. ”
What a coincidence! The ship’s about to go down right as Court drops the biggest truth bomb.
I’ll always have a love for Greg, because of him, I have my daughters who are the absolute loves of my life.
I was so young, though, and hadn’t yet experienced love, not the real, genuine kind at least. The messy love filled with late night make-out sessions and phone calls that last for hours.
Love that feels like hunger building for days when you hadn’t seen each other.
No, the love I'm talking about is what I feel for Natalie. It’s all-consuming, almost to the point of obsession.
It’s now or never, piss or get off the pot. Oh, Candace, come on. Natalie would’ve loved hearing me say that. My girls deserve a happy mom, one whose energy is so contagious you can’t help but smile. Fear has driven my every move this year, and I refuse to let such a frivolous emotion control me.
“Tell me one last thing, and I’ll never bring this up again. Do you miss her? Not the concerts, or the way she used your kitchen counter as a chair. Is her presence in your life something you want back?”
Pausing the movie, I sit back with my pint feeling like I’m in my therapist’s office.
Only now, I admit something for the first time.
“I had this vision of Christmas with her,” I say, circling the spoon and turning towards her rather than staring mindlessly at the TV.
“Not just morning, although that would’ve been magical.
We’d get a sitter and go shopping, then stay up late laughing while we wrapped presents and shared our favorite memories as kids.
She’d be so involved in every step: the gift wrap, what bows would match, and how much candy was too much to put in the stockings. ”
Thinking of the dream makes my chest ache with the thought of it never coming true.
It’s not something that kept me up at night or that I thought about often.
It was just enough of a thought to take up space.
“What I miss most is all the things that never happened.” Court’s expression is solemn as she listens intently.
My brain is running at full speed, remembering all the events I’d planned in my mind while I listened to her snore at night.
The ache in my chest never dulls, and it’s a sign more than a symptom of a broken heart. “You’ll stand by me no matter what?” I ask, my voice hopeful with a hint of hesitation, still not sure how this all will play out.
Smiling wide, Court nods. “Right next to you, babe. Now, go get her before she runs off to be the lead singer of a garage band.”
I take one last bite, throw off my blanket, and sit up. “Girls,” I call, hoping they’re willing to have a middle-of-the-night huddle with their mom because it’s about time I apologize and involve them in this next stage of our lives. Hopefully it’s the best.