Chapter thirty-four
The next day was hell.
The morning after, my head pounded, and I felt weak, unable to perform any of my core workout.
I wondered if it were the effects of alcohol, or if it was the fact that I wanted to indeed shovel a hole and hide my shameful body in it.
Despite what I wanted to blame, I knew it wasn’t the alcohol.
Nirelle made sure the next morning I was alive and well, though it didn’t feel like it.
She expressed how confused and worried she was when they didn’t find me last night like we had agreed.
I made the excuse that I fell asleep in one of the guest chambers—partly true.
The rest of the week, my body dragged through every chore.
There was a war inside my head keeping me from moving freely.
Not only did I practically break my vow to never touch a man, but I also betrayed my village, my family, the prisoners who had been captured by Aris.
I had never experienced such regret in my heart, in my soul, and in my body.
And it felt like poison.
It was an agonizing tightening in my chest that no matter what I told myself, no matter how much I preoccupied myself, I felt it.
It swallowed me whole.
I entered the apothecary where I had been working unusually long hours to calm my struggling mind.
Picking up the knife, I started cutting the herbs’ stems to prepare for tinctures.
While fighting the battles in my head, I had passed Aris a few times, and I could feel his dark eyes on me.
I could feel him beg me to look at him.
“Be careful, silent one.
You’re going to hurt yourself,”
Peter reprimanded.
I gave him a fake sorry look, and Peter continued measuring liquids in the tinctures.
Such a talented actress, I was.
I resumed the thoughts that had been on repeat in my head all week.
I hated myself for believing in Aris, for thinking that maybe he was a different man than I originally thought.
That maybe he’d feel differently for me than Camilla. I hated myself for not hating Aris. My heart was weak, and it wouldn’t listen to my own reasoning.
How could something feel so pure yet make me feel such shame?
I chopped harder and faster, not caring.
Gods, I am so angry with myself! I knew it had only been a week since I’d spoken to Aris, but it felt like months had gone by since.
“Girl, someone’s here for you,”
Peter interrupted my thoughts yet again.
I looked up and found a Siniyan guard in a commanding stance, waiting for me across the room.
“The emperor would like a word with you.”
The knife grew heavy in my hand.
I glanced over to Peter, who gave me a you better go before they drag you out of here look.
With a great sigh, I rubbed the dried herbs off of my sweaty palms on my apron before removing it, displaying my pale blue linen dress.
I followed the guard to Aris’ study.
I knew this day was coming, and he wouldn’t take my avoidance much longer.
“Come in,”
Aris said when the warrior knocked on his door.
I stepped through the doors, the guard shutting it behind me.
My heart beat fiercely.
It was only him and me.
I refused to look at him.
“Sit.”
A powerful command.
The emperor’s command.
My enemy, I reminded myself in case I forgot again.
I walked over to the front of his large wooden desk and sat on one of the sheep-skinned seats.
I could tell he was standing in the far corner of his study with his arms crossed, observing, noticing, like he always did.
I hope he notices how I want nothing to do with—
“Solei.”
He approached me.
My name on his lips disregarded any thought process I had in the moment.
“Don’t,”
I said breathlessly.
“come any closer.”
He proceeded with authority, ignoring my request.
“I can’t go this long without speaking to you again.
It’s been driving me insane.”
I knew it.
“I need to know what’s going on in your head,”
he stated, stopping nearby.
“And why you can’t even look at me.”
Don’t let him in, Solei.
“You’re afraid of me.”
It wasn’t a question.
I looked up in surprise and found his face had softened.
His eyes searched, open to receiving anything from me.
My heart squeezed.
“No, I’m not.”
“Then what is it? Is it the other night? I shouldn’t—”
He shook his head.
“I shouldn’t have done that to you.
I took advantage of you, and I knew better.”
“You didn’t.
I—I wanted it.”
That was the problem.
My face, flushed, filled with shame and remorse.
“Then why are you being this way to me?”
To me…as if he were in pain because of me—because I was avoiding him at all costs.
For some reason, hurting him was worse than the pain I felt all week.
I twisted my linen dress between my hands.
My voice cracked as I admitted.
“I betrayed myself.”
Aris became blurry, and that was when I knew there were tears in my eyes.
Don’t you dare cry.
His fuzzy figure approached and kneeled in front of my legs.
“Why would you say that?”
“It’s the truth, Aris.
I betrayed myself.
I took a vow to never be with a man because of my sister and mother.
For what happened to them. I know I didn’t break my vow—not fully, but I could have. That’s what scares me.”
I inhaled shakily.
“It was my way of keeping something sacred in honor of their deaths.
Keeping something that was a choice, for them.
Because they didn’t have one.”
A tear finally spilled down my cheek.
I didn’t know why I was sharing this, but I did.
“And I betrayed them, and my people, and anyone who has died fighting for us, by whoring myself to the one who destroyed their lives.”
I couldn’t breathe as I let out the tears that welled in my eyes, hiding my face in my hands.
I’d never spoken so many words in one sitting in my life.
Though I could barely see, Aris had wrapped his arms around me, bringing me closer to him.
I felt his warmth seep deep into my core as I felt shame tremble through my body.
I couldn’t stop the feelings in my body whenever he came to my mind.
They were stronger than the guilt and shame I was carrying with me.
Sometimes, I’d forget—like Nirelle.
I’d forget who he was to us. I liked those moments when I’d forget. Because I was free. I wasn’t being held down but free to feel something so beautiful for Aris.
“I betrayed myself.
I allowed myself to feel this way about you,”
I mumbled into his chest.
“Betraying yourself would only be if you didn’t allow yourself to feel something so natural,”
he said in a low voice.
He paused.
“It’s not your fault.
It’s mine, for making you stay when you wanted to go.
For doing those things to you.
I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry—”
“No—no,”
I said between breathing in the tears.
“I didn’t want you to stop—and I hated myself for it.”
I felt Aris’ arms tighten around me, comforting me in ways I’d never felt before by a man.
Not able to resist, I wrapped my arms around him.
Despite what I kept telling myself, in his arms I felt warm and safe.
I needed this.
He grabbed me, pulled me from my seat, and sat on the ground, leaning on his desk.
I was curled in his arms, hiding my face in his body.
I felt so raw and open, but it felt nice to be so close to him.
“You’re not the only one.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I hated myself for what I did to you.
This entire week, tormenting myself for having no self-control.
You must have felt like you had no choice in the matter—but you did.
You just didn’t know.”
I lifted my head to look into Aris’ dark eyes.
His face was too close to mine, but I didn’t care.
I clenched his soft black tunic at the front of his chest.
“I knew it was my choice, and I chose it, Aris.”
His thumb brushed the upper part of my arm, and he brought me closer and squeezed me gently.
He wiped the tears from my cheeks.
It was so natural for me to lay my head on his chest.
He looked away for a moment, thinking, contemplating.
“You said something the night we… I didn’t know you had a brother?”
“Yes…I did.
But he died.”
My voice turned quiet.
Aris nodded.
“Why?” I asked.
“Nothing—it’s nothing.”
Aris paused.
“How did he die?”
“He died in a war across the Western Sea.
He was a soldier.”
My brows furrowed.
I pressed, “Why?”
I felt like the floor was slipping away from me, but I wasn’t sure why.
“How do you know he died if he was across the Western Sea?”
“I—I don’t, actually.
They told us when they brought the soldiers back home that he didn’t make it.
But…but I—I don’t know.
I always had this feeling in my heart that he was coming back. There’s a part of me that just can’t accept that he’s gone. My brother was…invincible. It feels impossible for him to be dead.”
Aris nodded again.
“You’re the youngest of your siblings?”
“Yes…how did you know?”
“You act like the youngest child.
That’s why.”
He was diverting my question, but a smile formed across my face.
I slapped his bicep, and he chuckled.
His voice felt buttery and warm against my skin.
“Why are you asking all these questions, Aris?”
The column of his throat worked, and he gazed ahead.
“I knew this man.
There was—”
Aris paused, seemingly searching for his words.
He didn’t seem to be the type to struggle with words or be nervous, but here he was now.
His brows lowered as he peered at me, hesitating.
“What I’m trying to say is that—I—I told you about this man who changed my life and the way I regarded prisoners of war and slaves.
I wanted something different for them and for our people.”
I held in my breath.
“He became a friend.
He—he taught me my greatest sword skills… He… There was something that reminded me of him when I met you…”
I couldn’t hear anything else but his words.
“What are you saying?”
My mind raced.
“I—I think that he was your…”
He couldn’t say the word.
The world stopped spinning, and my entire being stilled.
“What was his name, Aris?”
“Jonam.”
The floor beneath me slipped.
I couldn’t move.
My eyes stung.
“You know my brother,”
I whispered.
I must have whispered “how”
because Aris said.
“There were prisoners of war that arrived in Stroka a long time ago, maybe ten years ago.
I was a young man, and my father ordered Jonam to teach me everything he knew about the Western Sea Islands.
He told me about his family—about you.”
My lips curved.
“You know Jonam…”
I didn’t know how I was breathing.
I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that Aris knew my brother.
A thread was tugging in my heart.
“Yes,”
Aris breathed, his jaw tensed.
“He was my best friend—a brother to me.”
Aris wiped a thumb across my cheeks, and I realized tears had fallen.
“I can’t believe it.”
“Me neither.
I had to be sure before I said anything.”
“I knew there was a reason why he didn’t come back home.
I knew in my heart he hadn’t died in Wendlen.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
“It didn’t make sense to me… He was their strongest, bravest soldier… He didn’t die in Wendlen.”
“No, he didn’t.
You’re right.”
Aris pulled me even closer.
“Where is he? Is he still in Stroka?”
I asked.
My heart felt like it was about to burst with joy.
“Solei…”
Aris’ eyes widened as they perused my face.
“What is it?”
I breathed.
“My father, he saw this all and how close we became. And he—”
Aris looked pale despite his tan skin.
“He took Jonam.
I couldn’t take it anymore after that, and I set out to change my father’s empire…”
The world stopped shifting.
The dark-lit room began to close in.
“Where is he where is he where is he?”
I could barely speak from the sobs that fell.
But I knew the answer before Aris said a word.
My heart shattered.
All over again.
I felt the pressure of Aris’ strong embrace holding me as I screamed.
“He’s gone, Solei.”
Everything hurt.
My heart hurt.
My body shivered and ached.
The beating of my heart felt like spasms, and I couldn’t breathe. It hurt.
It hurt to breathe.