The Quiet Sun

Chapter thirty-five

Ilaid my head on my pillow that night, but I barely felt the softness where my cheek connected with it.

I barely felt the beating of my heart.

It was so soft, so distant.

It felt as if it were fading with each beat.

Shortly after Aris informed me that my brother was gone, I uncurled myself from his arms and left his study despite his best efforts to have me stay.

I didn’t register Sebry or Anna stepping into our chambers as I stared off into nothing.

The candles they brought into the darkness didn’t make this place any brighter because a dark cloud had cast over my eyes.

I knew my brother was dead, but there was a part in my heart that held on to the belief that he might be alive.

Even if I were to never see him again, I wanted to believe he was breathing because I barely was.

He would want me to live.

He fought for my happiness.

The fact that he was close to Aris made my stomach squeeze and hurt all over again.

They knew each other. They were in a way, brothers, according to Aris. That meant more to me than I could have ever imagined.

The following few weeks were the same.

Peter kept sending me home after a couple hours of help, and Hara wasn’t looking for extra hands either, oddly enough.

I lay in bed as much as I could, hardly noticing the world around me, but there was a part of my heart that closed in a final way.

I didn’t need to look anymore for my brother in the forest, in the meadows, or between bobbing heads when I walked past a crowd because he wasn’t here.

He would never be.

He was in a place where I would meet him someday.

Before then, he would have wanted me to live my life to the fullest because he did. But it felt so empty without him here telling me that.

A life, no matter how short or long, was lived fully when it was filled with love.

He was loved.

Jonam lived his life fearlessly with every smile and laugh he gave.

He gave in fully with no lack of enthusiasm or passion.

One thing I noticed different about everything was that the brightness of life had dulled, and I saw more gray than anything.

When I walked outside, I would see gray clouds or harsh rocks that scattered on my pathway.

I could easily pick out the invasive plants in the gardens, and for a time I only saw the dried-out tips of the grass from the scorching sun.

When I strode through the palace, my eyes would focus absently on the black threads in the tapestries I crossed. When I worked with the herbs with Peter to forget for a moment, I could barely register the smells of the tinctures. They weren’t sweet and herbal anymore.

Everything seemed dead, dark, or dull to me.

Everything in my body ached.

There was a pressure in my chest that would rise, filling up with sadness, and then descend in a river of tears.

I needed something to do, or else I would spiral faster than I could pick myself up.

Paddling though the morning-lit hallways, I went to clean and freshen up Aris’ chambers.

As soon as I walked in, I found him sitting at the small table to the left of the room where he had once cleaned my wound.

His eyes met mine.

Aris drew himself from his seat, but I was already moving my legs and hands, working around his room.

I felt his presence behind me as I made his bed.

His hand wrapped around my elbow and pulled me into his warmth.

I didn’t resist it.

I needed it.

My mind calmed in his embrace, and I breathed in his oak-woodsy scent.

My head curled under his chin as he rocked me gently.

This was so new and so foreign to me, but I didn’t question it. Not now.

He didn’t pry into my thoughts for the rest of the time I kept my hands busy as he read over some papers near the fireplace.

That was how we communicated with each other for the next week.

I stayed longer in his chambers than before.

I wasn’t quite ready to admit that his presence was everything I didn’t know I needed.

He was waiting for me to come to him whenever I was ready to speak again. He was letting me know he was there for me. I knew I should be grateful for the closure, and I could tell at times he doubted if he made the right decision in telling me. He did, but I didn’t have the heart to say anything about it now.

The thread in my heart of my brother’s existence no longer tugged and pulled.

It was gone.

It was heartbreaking, but it was clear again.

I laid my head on my pillow tonight, going over the day I had with Aris in my head.

I stayed almost all day with him while he journaled and read.

He held me for a long, sweet moment, his fingers grazing over my arm, causing my skin to wake before I left.

Here I was in my bed, promising myself that I was going to live my life and not let death bring me down like it did my father, but I was doing exactly that.

In a way, I thought I was punishing myself, holding myself back because I didn’t think I deserved to be happy when I’d been in denial of my brother’s death for so long.

I was grieving him all over again.

Jonam deserved more.

He deserved everything.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I couldn’t be like that anymore.

I wouldn’t wither away like my father did.

Rising from my bed, I plodded to the window and pulled the curtains to the side.

I looked up into the night sky.

It doesn’t get any easier.

Time doesn’t heal this pain. Time doesn’t heal this time. Time is the enemy here. Time only takes away the memory of you, the memories that we shared. Time takes away you.

Biting my inner cheek, I glanced at my door.

Sebry and Anna had been asleep for a couple hours, their soft snores echoing in our chambers.

I hadn’t been able to sleep.

He would want me to be happy.

I walked quietly through the dark halls in my night dress, hoping no one would see me in this state.

I wanted him to know how I felt, regardless of the news he shared with me over three weeks ago.

My hands knocked on the large double doors.

I didn’t know what I was going to say.

Aris opened his door, shirtless, and his eyes softened when he saw me.

I tried hard not to rove my eyes over his body or feel the sudden rush of blood in my face.

He opened the door wider and tugged me into his warm embrace, and I swore, a part of me melted.

I heard the door behind me close.

This was exactly where I wanted to be.

I knew it had only been half a day since I last saw him, but I missed him.

I missed him while I’d been grieving.

“Hi.”

My voice was muffled against his hard chest.

“Hi, quiet one.”

“Thank you,”

I whispered.

His body tensed.

“For what?”

“For having the strength to tell me.”

I felt his arms tighten around my body, and I continued.

“For having the strength to find peace in your life, to find Siniya, to build something so beautiful from the darkness.”

I felt his throat work against my head.

“Thank you for believing in my own strength,” I said.

His fingers weaved through my hair and my eyes fluttered closed.

“I never doubted you,”

he said gently.

I sighed.

“Why are you so good to me?”

Aris chuckled against my hair.

“Why are you so good to me? You should hate me.”

I shook my head as much as I could in his embrace.

“No, I could never hate you, Aris.

I…feel like I can be myself, all the sides of myself, when I’m with you.

That’s all I can ask for.

I’ve never had to explain myself to you from the beginning. You’ve always made me feel…safe. And seen. In a world where I thought I was disappearing slowly. You were right there. I couldn’t hide from you.”

I lifted my head to meet his eyes.

“You pulled me from the underworld, Aris.”

His hand weaved in my hair descended to the back of my neck, holding me there.

“I’ll pull you from there every time.”

I swallowed.

The feelings I had for him were growing, and I couldn’t stop them.

I couldn’t stop something that felt so natural.

My gaze dropped to his lips.

He parted them like he wanted to say something.

For a long moment, we stared into each other’s eyes.

His turned darker.

I traced my fingers across his lips to feel them.

They were warm and soft, exactly as I imagined. It was as if our bodies had become one, and the heat began to radiate between us.

With my other hand, I brushed over his chest.

I could feel the strong beat of his heart.

It was beating so fast, I could almost hear it if it weren’t for my own racing heart.

His fingers flexed against the small of my back and tugged me closer to his hips.

“Careful, quiet one.”

I stopped breathing.

My entire body tensed, knowing I was the prey, and he was the hunter.

It was dangerous to be this close to him.

To open up to him in this way.

But the voice in the back of my head had started to fade.

“Solei, if you don’t leave soon, I don’t think I’ll be able to let you go back.

You should go,”

Aris warned.

Slowly, I slipped my body from his and brought myself back to my room, feeling a little lighter than before.

Her voice floated down the hallway on the second floor of the palace.

Maeri.

My lips tugged into a smile.

Last time Nirelle, Maeri and I got together was right after I found out about Jonam, and I wasn’t able to share much with them.

The weight was too much. Nirelle left me sweet notes when she could, and I responded with my own when I’d pass by a chamber she was cleaning. It was our way of communicating for now.

I followed Maeri’s voice until I found her with her eyes closed in a beautiful, clean chamber with the windows open, allowing the warm breeze through.

Leaning on the threshold, I listened to her angelic voice.

Maeri must have sense a presence because she turned towards the door and upon seeing me, a flush went up her neck.

I beamed.

“Maeri, don’t be embarrassed! It was beautiful!”

She lowered her head.

“There are much better singers out there.”

“There will always be someone who we think are better than us, but that’s how life pushes us forward.

That shouldn’t stop us from doing what we love.

And you love singing.

Don’t let yourself be the reason why you hide it.”

Maeri chuckled softly.

“Thank you, Solei.

That means a lot,”

she said as she gathered my hands in hers.

“How have you been? Really.”

Her eyes turned serious, and suddenly I wanted to leave the room.

“Talk to me, please,”

Maeri pleaded.

I took a deep breath, and we sat on the foot bench of the bed.

“I thought…that maybe he was here, Maeri.

And it broke me all over again when I found out I’d never, in fact, see him again.”

An insufferable lump rose in my throat, and I stopped talking lest I burst into tears.

Maeri leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me.

“I can’t imagine, Solei.

I was an only child, but my heart is with you.”

A moment went by, and I realized this felt nice—to talk.

“I remember your brother.

I even had a crush on him when I was younger.”

I burst out in laugher while wiping the tears from my face.

“Oh my gods, I had no idea.”

She waved her hand while laughing with me.

“He didn’t either.

I was too young for him to notice at the time, but a girl could dream.”

“He’ll never have a wife or children, Maeri.

He never had the chance to settle down.”

She let me go and looked at me.

“I don’t think life ends here, Solei.

He’s just somewhere else.

That’s all.”

Another breeze swept into the chambers, the curtains moving along with it.

“I hope so.

I can’t imagine him not breathing…”

“He’s breathing.

Just not here.”

Maeri squeezed my hands.

Tears gathered in my eyes again.

“It feels good to talk about him, especially with someone who knew him somewhat.”

Maeri smiled.

“Good.

I’m glad.

You can always come and talk to me literally about anything.

I hope you know that.”

“I do, thank you.

It means a lot.”

I surveyed the clean chamber.

It was large and looked almost like Aris’.

“Is this a guest chamber?”

“No, it’s not.

It’s chambers for his family when they’re in town.

I clean them from time to time,”

Maeri answered.

“I was about to head out.

Do you want to grab something to eat together?”

I nodded and followed Maeri out of the chambers.

“You know she’s a witch when she needs to cover herself from the sun,”

Yari whispered a little too loudly to Rayne nearby.

“The sun is the most natural part of this world.

There should be no covering up from it unless you do evil.”

All the servants including Rayne nodded in agreement.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and shake my head, not caring if they saw or not.

I was doing a lot of that lately, not caring.

I supposed a month of finding out my brother was in fact, gone, just reminded me how trivial their accusations were.

Though it’d been about five months since I’d arrived in Siniya, their comments were getting more annoying by the day. And today, I woke up on the right side of the bed, feeling a lot lighter than I had been recently, and I wasn’t going to bottle up any more emotions.

Thankfully I wasn’t spending as much time in the warm garden these days as most of my time was taken up with Peter.

I still helped the kitchen staff whenever they needed it, like today.

The sun was brighter this week than before, and I had to fully cover myself in fear of getting my skin burned.

Freckles now dotted my cheeks.. Summer was just around the corner.

We were still in spring.

Spring was technically the beginning of the year.

There was a newness in it that made me smile.

I could feel it in my bones.

I permitted myself to steal a few glances on Aris every now and then when our paths crossed.

Greetings would be exchanged.

Sometimes he’d ask me how my day was.

At first, I kept our conversations short, but now I found myself wanting to ask him questions just to have him keep talking to me. My brother knowing Aris and having been so close to him caused me to finally embrace the feelings I had for him. In fact, every other time Aris was around me, the little flutters in my stomach grew stronger and stronger. Like a magnet, begging to be closer to him.

I wondered if he felt the same way or if this was normal.

Did everyone feel this way?

“Do you hear that?”

Rayne asked the group.

I dug into the dirt with my nails to find the deepest roots of the invasive plant.

I heard the earth drumming to the beat of hooves.

“It’s our lord,”

Yari breathed.

“He’s with Helon, Beshien, and Justir.”

All of our heads followed Yari’s pointed finger toward the hills ahead of us.

Just as Yari spoke, there he was in the distance.

Aris galloped on the grassy hills on his white horse, followed by Helon, Beshien, and Justir on their horses.

Aris’ body was barely on the saddle as he leaned over his horse at full speed, creating more space from the others.

They could barely catch up to their emperor. It was a sight to see. Aris peered over his shoulder to see them far behind him. Helon had a large smile, pride written on his face.

Aris was as beautiful as life could get.

Gods, I was hopeless.

“You all better get to work.

He doesn’t pay us to stand here and watch him ride all day,”

Rayne stated.

“You, too, girl.

Best get to work, or the palace keeper will be notified.”

Rayne’s threats were not empty.

My hands ached from the memory of her rod, and it wasn’t something I intended to feel again.

I went back to work, pulling and digging the plants away.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t a fast worker, but at times—many times—I’d be wrapped up in my own thoughts and—and sometimes it was just hard to multitask when there were so many thoughts to think about.

“My emperor,”

Yari gasped.

I glanced up to find her for the first time since I’d met her lowering her head, greeting her lord.

On his white horse, Aris and the others had approached the garden, panting from their ride.

Along with the rest of the staff, we bowed our heads at the sudden appearance of the emperor.

My heart went full force in its beating rhythm.

I was convinced I was going to have heart problems because of him, and as a healer in this day and age, there wasn’t going to be anything I could do to cure my body from it.

“Might I ask, what we can do for you, My Lord?”

a servant, Betrium, asked.

“Are you looking for something to eat? We’d be more than happy to fix something up for you and the others.”

Although my head was down and my eyes were on the plants I had recently pulled, I could feel his magnetic eyes on me.

He saw me.

My heart raced faster.

What was he doing here?

Aris’ horse whinnied as they made their way between the garden boxes past Betrium, past Yari and Rayne, past the other servants, and stopped before me.

“My Lord?”

Yari asked, confused, waiting for his response.

“I won’t be needing any food, thank you.”

“Is there anything we can do for you, My Lord?”

Yari persisted.

“No, there isn’t,”

he grunted with an impatient tone.

Aris’ horse grew restless.

Then there was silence.

I dared a glance up and saw Aris’ eyes locked on me.

His face said it all.

Get up, was his silent command.

I rose from the ground, brushing the dirt from my brown dress when his left arm wrapped around my waist, gripping me firmly, then hoisted me up onto his horse.

The jolt of the motion left me breathless.

He couldn’t wait a gods-damned minute.

Sitting with both my legs on one side in front, his arms around me, Aris clucked his tongue, and led us galloping from the gardens. His embrace prickled a moment of hesitation, but the voice was so far away now, I leaned into his body.

Peeking behind me over Aris’ shoulder, I could see all the servants’ jaws drop to the very ground I had just pulled plants from minutes ago.

This only confirmed their suspicions even further.

I heard Betrium murmur something to Yari, but I couldn’t hear against the hooves of Aris’ horse.

I couldn’t help but not give a damn as Aris led us towards the hills.

Yet I wondered what the repercussions of this would be.

All the relentless questions I’d received and perhaps even more pestering looks.

I stared up at his face and how he was concentrating on the ride.

I couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on my lips and the twinkle in my eye as he glanced down at me.

He was the only one I wanted to be with all the time.

The only one I looked forward to seeing.

I was glad he found me.