Chapter 45
RYAN
Completely against my better judgment, Holden and I arrived in Massachusetts on the day of the wedding. After hearing Maggie’s voicemail, I just hadn’t been able to stay away.
On the other hand, Holden had bought our plane tickets before we’d even finished listening to her message. I hadn’t put it on speaker, but it turned out he’d been able to hear every word in the quiet of my apartment after our phone call with Jane anyway.
“Coming here was a terrible idea,” I repeated for the umpteenth time as I pulled into the parking lot of a hotel near the venue. “We should’ve just gone drinking.”
“We could’ve.” He shrugged. “We still can, I guess, but we can also do that after. We’ve got a lot of things to drink about right now.”
“True.” I sighed, pulling into a parking spot near the grand entrance and switching off the engine. “We have bigger fish to fry. This really was an awful idea.”
“Yeah, you’ve said that.”
He opened the door and climbed out, sliding his sunglasses over his eyes when a group of people we used to know emerged from the hotel. I didn’t miss the tic of his jaw when he noticed them, so I followed him out, knowing this wasn’t easy for him either.
Before I could ask if he was going to be okay being here, Mom appeared amid the group, spotting us and breaking away from them immediately with a slight frown creasing her brow. “Ryan? Holden? What are my boys doing here?”
“I was invited to the wedding and he’s my plus-one,” I said, elbowing my brother to stop him from scowling at all her supposed friends. “How are you holding up, Mom?”
Her face fell, but she drew in a deep breath and schooled her features. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m fine. I know it’s going to be hard if he gets out, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, I’m just glad to be celebrating a happy occasion.”
“Happy?” Holden snorted. “For who?”
She turned to him. “For Maggie and Daniel, of course.”
He scoffed. “Are you crazy? They’re not happy. They’re trapped by families with too much money. It’s a scam.”
“Baby—”
“No, Mom.” He slid an arm around her and pulled her in for a gentle hug, even kissing the top of her head. “I’m okay. This isn’t a rant because of the news about Dad. It’s just true. Maggie is in love with Ryan, Ryan is in love with her, and Daniel would rather be on a yacht. No one is happy.”
Mom went still in his arms and I groaned. “Way to go, little brother. Seriously. Thanks for nothing.”
“What?” He glanced at me over the top of her silvery hair. “You are in love with her and I heard that voicemail. She’s definitely in love with you too.”
Mom broke away from Holden, her eyes filled with tears as she wrapped her arms around me instead. “Oh, my baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. You’re in love with her and she’s marrying Daniel.”
I sucked in a sharp breath but hugged her back, just breathing in the familiar scent of her perfume and wondering what the fuck I’d been thinking when I’d gotten on that plane. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Why did you?” she asked gently, pulling away far enough to bring her watery gaze up to mine. “You shouldn’t have to watch it happen, my love.”
“She wanted me to,” I said, offering the only explanation I had. “She called and said she wished I was here, and I was invited, so here I am.”
Mom stared up at me, her lower lip quivering ever so slightly. “You’re breaking my heart.”
“Mine too, but what are we going to do?”
Holden cleared his throat. “Drink?”
“I thought we were only doing that later.”
He shrugged. “That was before I knew what the guest list looks like.”
Mom glanced between the two of us and back at the car, straightening up as she stepped out of my arms. “Alright. That’s quite enough of this.
No one is drinking. The wedding is tonight.
I wish you’d both reconsider coming, but if you’re going to insist, I won’t let you arrive intoxicated.
Take your things to your rooms, and when you’re done, we’ll go exploring. ”
“We will?” Holden made a show of twisting to look around. “What are we going to explore, the hotel?”
She huffed out a breath. “There’s a town just a few miles away. We’ll go there.”
When she looked back up at me with more tears gathering in her eyes, I took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Let it go, Mom. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m here as her friend and nothing more. This is how it needs to be.”
“It shouldn’t be,” she murmured, lifting a hand to my cheek. “You deserve better, Ryan.”
I shrugged. “We all do, but that doesn’t change the facts.”
She held my gaze for a beat. “Jane told me you’re finally moving back to Chicago. This is why, isn’t it?”
“Everyone wanted me back in the family fold,” I said. “That’s why I’m doing it. We should be together. Especially now. As it is, Isaac is stuck in Egypt most of the time. The rest of us need to be there for each other. It’s fine.”
“It’s so far from fine, it’s not even a joke,” Holden muttered, slamming the trunk shut after grabbing both of our overnight bags and shoving mine at my chest. “Let’s go. The longer we stand here, the better the chance we run into someone I’d rather run over with the car.”
Mom sighed, her lips pursing as my brother and I took off toward the entrance. I knew she wasn’t happy about any of this, but at least she was letting it go. Even so, she followed us in and looked at me with that maternal concern that made me feel twelve years old while we waited for the elevator.
“Don’t make yourself suffer just because you think you deserve to, Ryan. If you decide not to go to the wedding, it’s okay.”
“Thanks, but I’m going, Mom. I’d do anything for her.”
Mom whimpered with the effort it took to hold back her tears this time, but then she took a step back and waved at the elevator as the doors slid open. “Go, but come right back. Exploring will be a good distraction.”
As instructed, Holden and I dropped our bags in our rooms before heading back downstairs to meet up with Mom. Maggie and I had driven through here a couple times on our way to and from the estate, but we’d never stopped in the quaint little town to look around.
While Mom oohed and ahhed over supposedly handcrafted or artisanal finds in the shops, Holden and I stuck mostly to the sidewalks, both of us brooding with our sunglasses on and one foot kicked up against the bricks as we waited for her.
“You doing okay?” he finally asked, glancing down at his watch. “It’s almost time.”
“Yeah, I know.” I was viciously aware of every minute bringing us closer to sunset. “And no, I’m not okay.”
“I thought as much. If you stare at that wall any harder, your brain would probably start leaking out.”
“I’m just trying to make it through the day, man.”
“Yeah, I know. I guess I would have been genuinely worried if you were actually okay, knowing you’re about to go to Maggie’s wedding.”
When I flipped him off, he grinned, but that didn’t come as much of a surprise. Holden had developed this dark, almost irreverent edge after Dad had gone to prison, like he’d decided the easiest way to survive was to become the guy nobody could quite figure out.
He could be charming when he wanted, but underneath the charm, the confidence, and the bullshit was this sharp refusal to let anyone get too close. I understood it better than most, but I detested the fact that it was back in full force.
We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around, stopping for coffee and lunch in between. Mom did most of the talking and Holden did all of the flirting, flashing every woman we came across that lazy smile he’d perfected at some point in high school.
While he chatted to a girl who’d approached him in a cafe, Mom glanced at me. “I worry about him sometimes.”
“Only sometimes?”
She sighed. “We’re going to have to support him and Wyatt a lot more over the coming months.”
“Just another reason I’m moving home, Mom.”
When she glanced at me again, I could tell she was about to ask about Maggie or what had happened between us, or something else I didn’t want to talk about, so I pushed my chair back and stood up. “We should be heading back soon to get ready.”
Mom blinked a few times, checked her watch, and nodded. “Yes, you’re right. Let’s go. Grab your brother, would you?”
“I mean, I can try.”
In the end, Holden got the girl’s number and headed back to the hotel with us. Blessedly alone in my room twenty minutes later, I finally slowed down, showering, shaving, and changing, but also actually letting myself think about what I was doing here.
As I turned toward the mirror and adjusted my tie, I looked at my reflection, deeming the dark suit with its clean lines good enough, but instead of looking away like I usually would’ve after I’d given myself a onceover, I caught my own gaze and just kept staring back at myself.
I’d spent years clawing and scraping my way to where I was now, working until exhaustion had become part of my routine and never giving up. I’d learned to become useful, expending myself to the brink to be helpful so I would be harder to discard.
As I looked at myself now, however, I didn’t see any of that. All I saw was a man who’d never just taken what he wanted, consequences be damned. Maggie had run, she’d fought, and she’d treated every rule she’d grown up with like she’d rather set the entire rulebook on fire than abide.
Meanwhile, I’d been there, urging her to go back and accept something she didn’t want simply because it was sensible. What complete and utter bullshit is that? Fuck being sensible.
For once in my life, I wanted to be selfish, to find out what would happen if I just didn’t stop to ask for permission, and to take what I wanted the same way I’d watched so many others do.
If ever there was a time for it, it was now, but that led me to a question I’d been stubbornly avoiding for over a month.
Is this really how I want it to end?