Chapter 18
Elizabeth
The sound of London fills the bedroom. Sirens, car horns, and the noise of people rushing around the world outside my window.
I wake, moving my arm out to the pillow next to me and notice the cold fabric between my fingers.
Theo isn’t there. I roll over and lay staring at the ceiling, remembering the events and conversations from last night.
My heart feels battered and bruised. My privacy has been violated.
My one haven — my home — feels like it’s had an intrusion, one I’m not sure I can get over.
I look towards the window and notice Bear asleep in a plush dog bed underneath the windowsill.
I need to get out of this hotel. Walk. Breathe.
Clear my mind. I sit up, taking my time.
My body feels sore, and my eyes are stinging from the tears and broken sleep.
I slide out of bed and splash cold water on my face, throw my hair in a ponytail, and dress quickly in leggings and my long-sleeve base layer.
When I leave the bathroom, Bear is gone.
I walk through the apartment calling for him, but there is no sign.
I get to the dining area, and there they both are.
Bear with a bowl of food on the floor, and Theo, looking like a movie star, sat with his paper and a table full of fruit and baked goods.
He looks up at me with admiration, though the exhaustion beneath his eyes betrays him.
He hasn’t slept. Beneath his eyes are dark circles, and his skin looks pale. Worn.
“Hey, beautiful. Did you sleep well?” He gets out of his chair and pulls one out for me.
I sit down in front of him, and he kisses me gently on the head.
My eyes close with frustration. I’m frustrated that he is acting like nothing happened last night.
Frustrated that I’m in this hotel. Frustrated that I have let this happen.
The touch of his lips feels a little like torture.
He pours me a glass of orange juice and makes me a cup of tea.
“No,” I mumble. “I didn’t sleep well.” I won’t lie to him in order to make him feel better about last night. “This all looks delicious,” I say, still feeling sleepy. “I was just about to head out to take Bear for a walk, though.”
His eyes tell me that he’s noticed that there is no invitation for him to join me. He leans forward and places his hands, palm up on the table, searching for mine. I reluctantly pull them from my lap and place them in his.
“Elizabeth, can we talk about last night? Please?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Theo.
” I take my hands back from him; I can’t touch him right now.
His touch blurs my thoughts. I place them back in my lap, watching them closely, as if they might reveal something, distracting me, anything to avoid this conversation.
“The things you told me last night was some of the hardest information I have ever had to try and process. There are pictures floating around somewhere, in some strangers’ hands, ready to release for the world to see at any minute. ”
“Tell me how you want me to handle this, Elle. Tell me how to fix it. I can have them release the pictures, or we can go with the PR story the team already has planned.” I snap my head up, wondering what on earth he is talking about. Heat builds in my body, questioning how many more secrets he has.
“What story?” I ask, my hands turning clammy.
I watch him take a deep breath in. He doesn’t want to tell me; I can feel it. He’s bracing himself for the fallout he knows is coming.
“They’ve booked Olivia and me a holiday to Santorini, and whilst we are there…
” he pauses, a sick feeling rushing over me trying to anticipate his next words.
Silence stretches between us, the only sound in the room is of the clock ticking in the corner.
“They’re releasing a statement… announcing that she’s pregnant. ”
I spit my tea out of my mouth, spraying it across the table.
“Excuse me?” My voice breaks, disbelieving.
“You’re telling me I’m sitting here with you while your wife is at home pregnant with your baby?
” He shakes his head. I am so unbelievably confused.
Tears burn behind my eyes, threatening to fall.
He flies up from his chair and kneels in front of me within seconds.
“No, Elizabeth. The baby isn’t mine. We haven’t slept together in months. Long before you and I even met.”
“Then tell me, Theo, why the fuck am I still being hidden in a hotel room when you’re not even with your wife anymore?
You’re making me look like your side piece instead of just being honest.” He flinches at my words.
“Will you leave her for me, Theodore?” The words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them. I’m too angry to control it.
It feels like the world has stopped spinning. The room is closing in on us, his breathing becoming unsteady with panic.
“I can’t, Elizabeth. Not yet. I’m sorry.
” The past two days have been filled with sorry’s.
Sorry that I don’t believe anymore. “Olivia and I agreed to stay together until Oscar turns sixteen.” He wants so badly to say yes.
He wants the world outside to see our love.
I know he does. I can see it. So why is he constantly denying himself?
“It seems that you’re both shit at sticking to your wedding vows, why is this agreement any different?
” I stand up and storm to the walk-in wardrobe.
I rip my suitcase off the shelf and start packing.
I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. The pain is too unbearable.
My heart can’t take it. For every single amazing moment we have, karma comes and throws it right back at me.
Theo rushes in behind me. “Elle…please. Don’t leave. Please.” He drops to his knees, begging me to stay. I can hear the sheer panic in his words. I pause, looking at him. Tears fill my eyes. I need to say goodbye to him. My life and happiness depend on it.
“I can’t stay, Theo. This is torture for me.
” I’m sobbing through my words. “I’m sick of fighting for you and feeling like you’re not fighting for me.
You hide me away in fancy hotel rooms and inside my cottage, acting like it’s normal.
It’s not, Theo. What do you want me to do?
Your son is ten years old. You want me to do this for six more years?
” He doesn’t speak, which gives me the answer I need.
I take a sharp breath in and close my suitcase, the sound of the zip filling the void between us.
I grab Bear’s lead and head for the door; Theo’s footsteps are close behind me.
I open the front door, and Theo slams it shut with his arm, causing me to flinch.
The noise of the slam sends a sharp jolt of fear through me.
Bear barks, growling, showing his teeth as his hackles rise. He’s warning Theo to back off.
“Elle, please. Let’s sit and talk. Don’t leave.” His eyes are wide and filled with utter terror. “Please.” The final plea is a whisper.
I stare at him. I can see that his eyes are filled with hurt and anger, but so am I. I can’t stay. He’s pushed me too far. All the nights he’s left me alone, left me to cry for him, pine for him. My heart can’t take it anymore. A tear silently rolls down my cheek.
“Theo… let me go,” I say so quietly I can barely hear myself. He holds the door shut so I can’t pull it open. “Please, Theo.” His arm falls to his side in defeat. I slowly open the door again; this time Theo doesn’t try to stop me. I silently hand Nigel my suitcase.
“Nigel, please… can you take me home?” Nigel gives Theo a look, a question, silently asking for his permission. Theo nods, and I walk toward the elevator. It pings open, and I take one last look at Theo. The man who has shown me how to be strong enough to choose myself.
He doesn’t move. He just stands there watching as we step into the elevator and the door closes painfully slow.
****
Theo
I slam the door shut once she’s gone, a mist filling my eyes.
I grab the vase of roses from the table and launch it at the wall, water and petals falling to the floor as glass smashes around me.
I head for the bedroom, tears filling my eyes.
As I pass the wardrobe, something catches my eye that stops me dead.
Still hanging is the dress I bought her.
The one she wore last night. The dress that, when Elizabeth had walked out, took my breath away.
And there on the floor beside it lies the blue suede box.
I bend down and pick it up, sliding my hand over the velvet lid.
She hasn’t taken them with her. My heart pounds, my chest tightens.
The rest of the day is filled with bourbon and tears. I have fought so hard, but not hard enough. She has gone. I know I can’t be the man she deserves.
The more I drink, the more my memories of her blur. I start to forget her beautiful laugh, the glint in her eyes when she sees me. I forget the feel of her skin against mine. I forget just how deeply she loved me.
How deeply I love her.
The sun sets and I still don’t move. My hand grips the glass whilst darkness envelops me. Grief is overwhelming me. I am drowning in it. I stay on the sofa the entire night, petals and broken glass covering the floor.
My shattered heart with them.