Chapter 19
Elizabeth
The day I left London is a blur. I didn’t sleep that night.
I lie on my side, staring at the empty space where his body should be.
The scent of his cologne still clings to everything, including my skin.
For a moment, I want to scrub myself clean.
Not because I regret what we did, but because I hate how unimportant I feel now.
Bear stirs at the foot of my bed. I sit up and whisper, “Let’s get some fresh air, buddy.”
Sable Square is just starting to wake. Kids bike past on their way to school, giggling and squealing. Seagulls squawk overhead. The world keeps moving. It doesn’t know I’ve been someone’s secret. For months I’ve been hidden, and I have allowed it to happen.
James is already on the log when I get to the beach.
“You look tired again,” he says gently as he taps the log next to him, silently asking me to sit.
“I am,” I reply, “bad dreams that I can’t seem to shake.”
He nods and passes me a paper cup of black coffee and half a croissant. “Didn’t know how you take it, so I guessed.”
When I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I had text James. I needed to talk to someone. Someone I knew wouldn’t judge me. I sit silently beside him, watching the waves crash along the shore. I let the coffee warm my hands but don’t drink it straight away.
For the first time, James turns to me with a look of concern. “Are you okay?”
I look over at him and notice the shadows under his eyes, the way his fingers fidget on the coffee cup like he’s trying not to say more. I think of Theodore’s hands. How they had gripped my hips as if I was his to claim. Of how I had felt the world come crashing down around me that same night.
“Honestly… I’m not sure.” The truth begins to spill out of me.
James doesn’t push, he just sits there with me in the quiet, waiting.
Letting the silence do what words can’t.
I can sense the questions sitting on the edge of his tongue.
His protective nature wants to wrap me up and save me from whatever this man is doing to me.
Any beauty in me is being overrun by sadness.
He can see it. I can see it. I have started to look not only tired but withdrawn.
My eyes speak a thousand silent words that I try not to say.
The longer we sit, the more I speak. I tell him about London and finally admit exactly who the mystery man is. I was right; he didn’t judge me. He listens and comforts me in exactly the way I need. I cry and curse, and he sits holding me the whole time.
That night, when the headlights of Theo’s black SUV shines through my cottage window, I already know that I am turning him away.
He needs to know how serious I am. I need my space.
He needs to understand that I am not his for the taking whenever he pleases.
That he won’t have me sitting at home like a good girl, waiting for him to turn up at my door.
He stumbles from the car. He thinks he can handle his drink, but tonight he’s gone too far. It’s obvious that he hasn’t stopped drinking since I left him in London. As he steps out of the car, he notices he is a little wobbly on his feet, using the car door to steady himself.
I open the front door to him, and he doesn’t ask.
He never does, and it is something I have noticed more recently.
He kisses me like he’s starving for me. His mouth tastes like bourbon, and I don’t like it.
His hands feel more possessive, like he can sense I’m slipping away and he’s desperately trying to claw me back.
This is the first time I have ever known him to drink before coming here. It’s making me feel uneasy.
“I missed you so much,” he slurs into my neck. I don’t believe him, but I want to. So badly I want to believe him. It takes all my strength to pull away. I push his hands down from my face and step back, out of his reach.
“Theo, you’re drunk. You shouldn’t be here tonight.
You need to sleep off whatever it is you’ve been drinking,” I say calmly.
He doesn’t listen to me and continues stumbling around until he gets to the sofa.
I understand now isn’t the right time to tell him anything, but if I want to take back control, I need to tell him about James.
I need him to leave. I need him to know that I am no longer his.
“I’ve been talking to someone else.” My words blurt out before I have time to stop them.
Theo blinks. He seems to sober up immediately, with a frown on his face. “What?”
“On my morning walks. A guy I know from school. He’s just… there. We’ve been talking.” I can see the rage rising in his eyes. “I told him about us… you and me.”
He smirks, but it’s sharp, bitter. Anger changing his expression into something unfamiliar. Running a hand through his messy hair as I watch his eyes change.
“Some dog-walking hipster caught your eye, has he? I don’t take well to sharing, Elizabeth.” His words jolt through me. What has happened to the man I know, because this isn’t him?
“How dare you, Theo. Not good at sharing? Are you fucking kidding? So, it’s ok for me to have to share you, but God forbid I have someone else to talk to.
Someone who actually protects me.” I argue and watch as my words stab him in the chest. “He doesn’t pry.
He’s just not afraid of being seen with me. ”
The look he is giving me is disturbing my thoughts. Everything tumbles out in rage. I wasn’t supposed to hurt him.
I didn’t mean to.
I cover my face with my hands.
“And does he know who I am?” There it is. The question I had hoped he wouldn’t ask. The question that shows me that what he really cares about is that I’m keeping him a secret. Not harming his reputation.
“No,” I lie. I turn around, avoiding his eye contact. I don’t want to look at him. He has hurt me so much that I can’t look at the man standing in front of me tonight.
“Why are you telling me this? Do you know what… Don’t worry about it. Do what you like.” He doesn’t press further. He stands and presses a kiss on my cheek. When he pulls back, I see it. That look again. A flicker of something. Jealousy maybe. Anger… or fear.
“I shouldn’t be jealous. You aren’t even mine. Not sure you ever were.” I gasp as his words knock me back. I know he doesn’t mean that, nevertheless, the overwhelming shock causes my heart to constrict with pain.
“You know that’s not true, Theo.” He doesn’t reply to me. I attempt to bring him back to me, but my hand slips from his arm.
Without another word, he turns and leaves. Once he’s gone, I sink onto the sofa, unease crawling under my skin. I hadn’t enjoyed making him feel that way. I don’t enjoy arguing with him, but I’m sick of the secrets. There have been enough of them already.
Theo doesn’t come back for weeks. I start to think that he won’t, then on the twentieth day of him not turning up, I am scrolling through the news on my phone and see them.
Together in Santorini. Theo and his wife on holiday, just like he said they would be.
I scroll through picture after picture. Of him kissing her, her lying next to him on a yacht.
Of them dancing in the town, and then I see it.
I scroll through a few more photos, trying to get a clearer angle.
It is ever so slight, but I can see it clear as day; Olivia has a baby bump.
I hunt for the statement he had promised me.
The one that was supposed to keep the heat away from us.
SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MASTERS HOUSEHOLD
Olivia and Theodore Masters were spotted holidaying on the beautiful Greek island of Santorini.
Looking as loved up as ever, the couple spent ten days, child free.
And… what is that? Yes, here with a Daily Mail exclusive, we can announce that Olivia and Theodore are expecting another baby.
Olivia’s PR team released the following statement:
Everyone in the Masters household is thrilled with the news of Olivia’s pregnancy. She is five and a half months into the pregnancy and very much looking forward to the birth of their new baby.
Congratulations to the happy couple.
If I didn’t know better, I could have believed the pictures.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate that I have to see it in the news, but this was the plan, right?
This was the team’s idea to prevent the pictures of us from being released.
I’m not enjoying this, but it is better than whatever images they have of me.
Dread fills my body whenever I think about it.
Five days later comes the message.
Theo: I’ve missed you so much, sunshine. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I will come and see you tonight.
Elizabeth: Please don’t, Theo. It hurts too much.
I scroll straight to Fiona’s number without even thinking about it. I need to get away from him.
“Hey sweetie, how are you?” Fiona’s voice comes through the phone, calming me immediately.
“I need somewhere to stay for a couple of nights. Can I-”
“You don’t need to ask, Elle. I’ll get the spare room ready and see you when you get here.” That night I pack an overnight bag for myself and Bear and drive to Fiona’s house, feeling like my life is falling apart. I don’t tell him. He has no right to know where I am.
He does not own me.
The drive feels long, yet it only takes me five minutes. I glance at myself in my rear-view mirror, taking in just how tired I look. The woman staring back is not me.
The moment Fiona opens her front door, my bag slides from my shoulder, dropping to the floor as my legs turn weak, unable to hold me up any longer.
I fall to my knees on her driveway and release everything that I have held in from the past few weeks.
She holds me like a child, my emotions spilling over.
“I’ve got you, sweetie. I’m here.” She rocks me and strokes my hair and whispers in my ear about how I am going to be ok, but I don’t think I will. The heartache is too much. The pain is too strong.
Everything I have held in releases on my best friend’s shoulders. I sit on her drive sobbing into her chest, and she says nothing, just holds me tight. I am barely breathing as I cry for the man that can’t love me the way I need. For the man who won’t choose me.
****
Theo
My car pulls up to her cottage at 10:02pm.
“We’re here, sir,” I look out of the window and notice that the cottage is sitting in darkness. It sends a flush of heart wrenching worry through me.
I walk down the path towards her front door, already knowing that no one is going to be there to answer, yet I carry on anyway until I get close enough to knock. I tap my usual two soft knocks. Silence. Not even Bear is barking.
I hurry back to the car and dial her number. It doesn’t even ring. It goes straight to her voicemail.
‘Hi, you’ve reached Elizabeth’s voicemail. Either leave me a message or text me….’ I immediately hang up and text her.
Theo: Elle baby, where are you? I am outside, but you’re not here.
When there is no reply after ten minutes, I send another.
Theo: Baby, please message me back. I need to know you’re ok.
Again, silence.
It’s deafening.
The panic rises inside me. My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest and my hands are beginning to get sweaty. I sit in the back of the car, frantically downloading Instagram. I’m determined to work out where she has gone. My gut tells me she is at Fiona’s.
Her protector.
When it eventually completes the download, I open it up and search for her name.
Elizabeth Marlowe.
Two profiles down and there she is. Her profile picture is painfully beautiful.
She is in a full-length baby blue dress holding a white bouquet of simple baby’s breath.
Her hair is down and waving in the wind.
She is looking away from the camera with the most magnificent smile on her face, and there standing next to her is Fiona in a wedding gown.
It is at that moment that I have a realisation. She hasn’t looked like that since we took our relationship out of the coffee shop. Reluctantly, I stop searching. I delete the app, lock my phone, and I tell Nigel to take me home.
I should be the person making her feel like that, making her smile and glow, but it seems that all I have managed to do is to make her cry in despair.
As I approach my driveway, I open her message thread one final time.
Theo: I’m sorry, Elle. For everything. Please believe me when I say I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I won’t message you again tonight. But please believe me. I will fight for you, Sunshine.
It is desperate, but it’s the truth. The last time I saw her, I knew she was slipping away from me, and I no longer know how to stop it.
****
Elizabeth
I slip into my pyjamas and place Bear’s bed down on the floor next to me, just as Fiona comes through the bedroom door.
“Tea?” she asks, poking her head around the door.
“Yes, please.” She widens the door and places the floral mug on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed.
“Come sit, babe.” I look at the space next to her and think about how I wish it were Theo sitting there instead.
Wish I could forget about him, just long enough for the pain to ease.
I sit next to her, and she pulls me into a tight embrace.
“I love you, you know that?” I nod my head, knowing that Fiona is about to get brutally honest with me. “I hate to see you this way, Elle. He’s destroying you. I can see it.”
“I love him, Fiona. So damn much.” She rises from the bed and kneels on the floor in front of me.
“I know you do. I see it in you. I saw it in the club, and I saw how much he cares for you. But… I feel like we’re losing you. We’re losing our Elizabeth.” Tears spill again as I listen to her words. I know she’s right. I know Theo has swallowed me up. I feel that I’m losing myself.
Fiona stays with me all night. We lie on our backs, staring at the ceiling, holding hands beneath the duvet. When Fiona finally falls asleep next to me, I turn my phone on, and the messages immediately flood in.
I want to believe him, but I need time and space from him for a while. I switch my phone off, roll over, and have the best night’s sleep I’ve had in weeks, next to my friend who holds me while I fall apart.