The Stones We Cast

13. Ezekiel

“Thank you all for being here today. I know the change in your lives hasn’t been easy and I promise not to keep you long.” Hank Monroe, a family friend and attorney, took in all five faces seated around the Oakwood conference table.

I understood today was the reading of my mom’s will, but it felt pointless because nothing given to me would bring her back. Leann could have all of her stuff if it was up to me. What I wanted and needed, Hank couldn’t provide that.

“Before we get started, there’s a video I’d like to share with you all from Violet.” Peering over the rim of his glasses, Hank’s eyes bounced from me, Sunnie, Leann, Jeremiah, and my dad. “I’d also like to set the record straight that she was in her right mind when said video was made.” His glare at my dad wasn’t hard to miss. Though they grew up as friends, things shifted once my mom got sick. It seemed like everyone around my parents witnessed his mistreatment but him.

A true fucking clown.

Hank hit play on the remote and the flat screen behind his desk turned on revealing my mom’s beautiful smiling face. It was hard to look at her. Hard to see her alive and jovial but not here in the flesh. I tried to stay seated but I couldn’t. Jeremiah and I both stood and walked aimlessly around the office.

“Hello, family. I know you miss me and this is hard, but I’m at peace. I’m not suffering anymore.” My heart hurt. Not my chest, my damn heart hurt. “I love you all so much, and I pray the pain turns into joy knowing that I spent the best years of my life with you.” Sniffles and low sobs echoed around the room. “To my husband of over fifty years, we had a ride, didn’t we, baby?” Dad nodded, tears falling down his face. “We were so young and in love. Our fair share of ups and downs but through it all we managed to not kill each other.” She giggled, wiping her eyes. “But I will say you broke my heart, Damien. Broke my heart to where I started to resent you the last fifteen years of our marriage.” Jeremiah and I gave each other a puzzled look.

Definitely surprised to hear her confess that.

“You treated me as if getting sick with cancer was my fault. Shame on you, Damien.” Riddled with guilt, Dad’s silent cries turned into loud sobs. Leann rolled her eyes, refusing to pass the tissue box over to him. No one had any sympathy for him. He made his bed and now he had to lay in it.

“Not only did you make it known that ‘in sickness and in health’ those vows were conditional during the worst time of my life, but you started to choose favorites with my boys. You stopped being Ezekiel’s father when he got injured as if he hit himself. His dream was destroyed, not yours. But again, your selfishness caused you to mistreat people as if their misfortune was intentional. It’s been hard to forgive you for that. Children disappoint their parents just as much as parents disappoint their kids. It’s part of the cycle of parenthood. Get some help before you’re left alone. Now, to my boys.” Her smile replaced her frown and once again my heart fucking hurt.

“Jeremiah and Ezekiel, I’m so happy God chose me to be your mother. I love you both with every fiber of my being. Regardless of what others have said or done, I’m proud of you. I’m so proud to call you my sons. Jeremiah, seeing you mature into the family man that you are makes my heart smile. I love the way you love Leann and your kids. I love the way you take care of your family and are happy in your career. Continue to break generational curses, son. Mama is so proud.”

With Leann rubbing his back, Jeremiah nodded his head with fresh tears running down his face. “Thank you, mama. I promise I’m going to continue to make you proud.”

“Ezekiel, my sweet baby boy.” Sunnie squeezed my hand, feeling me on the verge of an emotional breakdown. “God isn’t done with you, Ez. You have purpose and He’s going to use you in the best way possible. Always remember that you matter. That you were born for such a time as this. You aren’t a mistake. Yes, my passing is going to hurt, and probably for some time. But I know you, Ezekiel. You’re going to come out of this triumphant because you’re my son, and I love you. Always remember that. I love you all. In your hearts, I rest.” When the video cut off I wanted to yell and scream for Hank to turn it back on. To bring her back to me.

“Violet gave specific instructions for the rewarding of her will.” Clearing his throat, Hank pushed his glasses over his nose and began. “All jewelry will be split amongst Leann and her daughter and Ezekiel. Her coin collection totaling over five hundred thousand dollars will go to Jeremiah. Her family’s land in Alabama and Georgia has been transferred over to Ezekiel and Jeremiah in a living family trust. Lastly, her life insurance policy totaled one million and fifty thousand dollars. Fifty thousand will go to Damien and one million will go to Ezekiel. Are there questions?” No one had anything to say.

We signed the paperwork needed for Hank to transfer all of mom’s things to us, I gave my bank account information, and we left. Dad was the first out of the room. Not at all surprised. I’m just glad he didn’t show his ass. Outside of Hank’s office Jeremiah and I hugged for a long time. Crying and hugging. We parted ways and I got in the passenger seat feeling numb. I asked Sunnie to come because I needed her presence. Selfishly I’ve been clinging onto her. Sucking up as much of her essence as she allows me to.

“I’m going to take a minute to myself.” I tossed over my shoulder, heading for my bedroom.

“Let me know if you need anything.” Her soft voice spoke behind me.

The minute I stepped in the shower and the hot water hit my face, I broke down. Cried like a baby. My mom has always been a woman of intention, especially with money. Every dollar she spent served a purpose, so I knew her leaving me that amount of money was very intentional. She could’ve left it fully to my dad and had him split it, but she knew her husband. Knew that he would be spiteful and have contingencies. Trying to control me. Crazy part is I didn’t need the money. My mom knew I hit millionaire status a long time ago, but this was her way of giving me a clean start to live life differently.

The money I made now came from sex. She hated that. Hated that I gave myself away to so many women for money. Regardless of the fancy titles used in Hollywood, I was a sex worker. An adult entertainer. A fancy ass prostitute if you want to be honest. I got paid handsomely for having sex on camera with women I didn’t know. A male fucking prostitute.

She wanted me to dream bigger.

To walk in my purpose.

To live right.

So, she gave me clean money.

“I’m stepping out for a minute.”

From the sneakers on my feet up to the hoodie on my head, she studied me with questioning eyes. There haven’t been many moments when we weren’t under the same roof, so I’m sure she thought I was heading out to do some shit, but I wasn’t on that. After I got out the shower I texted Bishop. I really needed to talk to somebody before I let myself do something stupid that I’d regret or couldn’t take back.

“Okay.” I knew it took everything in her to not question me. Probably feeling like she didn’t have that right when she did.

Easing her mind, I kissed her cheek and rested my head on hers. “I’m not going out to do anything stupid. My mind is all types of fucked up and I’m going to talk to Bishop.” Her eyes fluttered closed and she exhaled into me. I gave her a sense of relief and trust by being honest and open. “Text me if you need anything while I’m out.”

Those brown pools of warm honey stared up at me, making me feel needed and loved. “I love you, Ezekiel.”

Those three words.

“I love you too, Sunnie Mae.”

Before I could get lost in her world any further, I left and took the long way to Bishop’s house. Drove down the intercostal with my windows down, smelling the salt air. Mom loved coming to the beach. Loved sitting out here to relax and listen to the waves.

I missed my mom so damn much.

“Hey, Ezekiel. Come on in.” Aziza, Bishop’s wife, greeted me with a hug I didn’t know I needed. A hug that felt motherly and secure. “Everything is going to get better, I promise.” We stood there for a while embracing. Nothing sexual, even though Aziza was the Mrs. Parker for all the men of my generation.

“Thank you, Aziza.” When I stepped back I noticed Bishop leaning against the kitchen entry wall. I ain’t gonna lie. I was stuck for a minute. A little fear pumped in my heart. “I meant no disrespect, Bishop.” It was no secret this man was crazy, but he was extra psychotic over his wife.

Smirking, he winked at his wife, who was giggling and shaking her head. “That’s your one and only freebie. Baby, we’ll be out back if you need me.”

The Cambridges lived in luxury. There’s a difference between living wealthy and living in luxury. You can have a mansion hallow with no substance. You can also have a nice-sized single-family home converted to expensive levels of luxury. To the unknown outside eye, their home looked modern, nothing more. However, the minute you stepped inside, it told a different story. From the inside to the massive backyard, it screamed money. Luxury. Expensive. State-of-the-art and top-of-the-line.

For thirty minutes, he and I sat by his fire pit in a comfortable silence. He smoked a cigar and got lost in the orange and red flames. He never rushed me to speak. He gave me time to process and was ready to help however I needed him when I did.

“Today was the reading of my mom’s will and she left me her million-dollar insurance policy.” I racked both of my hands over my head, chuckling in confusion. “I don’t find gratitude in the money. I’m not grateful for it, Bishop. It’s not a blessing to me. It feels like my mom had to die in order for me to have that. An unwanted exchange. Like her life was worth a million. She sacrificed herself for money to help me get out of the porn industry. Almost like some weird ass illuminate ritual or some shit.” I was reaching, but my mind couldn’t make sense of her display of love. It just couldn’t.

I wanted to throw a whole damn tantrum, stomp my feet, and fall out, rolling on the ground screaming that I don’t want the money, I want my mama.

Another round of silence and this time it was me who waited for him to speak.

“You have glory on your side. Let me break it down. Yeah, I’m about to get a little preachy but it needs to be said. Okay?” He put out his cigar and stood.

“Yes, sir.”

“God has anointed you, Ezekiel, and His glory is intervening because God is blessing you. For months you’ve been telling me that you wanted a way out. That you were tired of drinking poison and doing drugs just to function in those spaces? God answered your prayers and gave you a way out. When you fully step back from your business, you don’t know what the domino effect of that is going to cause. Lawsuits and payouts. You might bleed your account dry with the money you made doing porn, yet you won’t be broke because you’ll have the money gifted from your mom. Are you following me?”

How could I not?

He put things in a perspective that I hadn’t considered.

“Yes, sir.”

“Stay in the lane God has created for you to follow because He’s ordering your steps. Glory is covering you, going ahead of you, and figuring it out for you. You don’t have to do anything but be obedient and follow the steps created for you. It’s the glory of God over you, not yours. Right now it feels like the enemy is throwing every fiery dart it can find at you. It’s hard to remain faithful and not get weary, but that’s how the enemy works. Getting you off course to take you out. The powerful thing about God and why He’s the big dog is that He’s not a God that shall lie. His promises are still yes and amen. It started in the spirit. Remember those demonic dreams you were having? Them weapons are forming but they won’t prosper. You’ve come too far to give up. Stand up for me.”

Obeying, I stood up, feeling my body getting attacked with a million little needles. Such a weird feeling, but I wasn’t afraid. I felt calm and at peace.

“When you worship, lift your hands.” Automatically, my hands raised. “God wants an invitation to dwell here, Ezekiel.” He touched the middle of my chest and it set off fireworks in my body. “When your arms are raised to worship, speak openly and honestly with God. Tell him the truth about how you feel and what’s going on in your life. When the glory of God shows up, it will help you make a decision. Fight against the dark thoughts in your mind. If the Lord delights himself in us, that’s reason enough for you to fight. Understand that narrow lanes have access to big promises.

“God called you the way he sees you. He wants all of you. Even the parts you think are too filthy. You’re about to be a father but fear has you operating as an unstable and unreliable man that won’t return the calls of your child’s mother. He’s going to show you how to build your family out of broken pieces. You’re here because you have value in the kingdom even if you don’t feel you have purpose there. Change your ways and watch God give you vision and purpose, but He can’t and won’t dwell in places if you have more love for the world. You’re trying to serve two gods. That won’t work. One will fall off. Let’s just hope that the one that falls off is not the one who holds your salvation in His hands.

“God is delighting Himself in you. You’re chosen, Ezekiel. You’re royalty and His heir. God died for your sins, too. Nailed to the cross and raised, just like you were raised to.” With one hand in the middle of my chest and the other in the middle of my back, Bishop began to pray. “Father of the living God, let Ezekiel’s soul come into divine relationship with who you are. Let the Holy Spirit dwell in the inside of him. God, show him what happens when he chooses righteousness over worldly suffering. Clear his eyes. Give him a fresh work in his heart and mind. Let him see himself as you see him. God, teach him how to vessel your glory and remove anything that is hindering him from surrendering. The promise is still connected to his name and generations to come. God, thank you in advance that your word won’t return void. In your mighty name, we pray, amen.”

He was done praying over and for me, but I wasn’t.

With my eyes closed and heart open, I tilted my head back and let my soul speak. “Jesus, I can’t do this by myself. I don’t know what to do but if you send your glory and help me…” My body started to tremble and emotions choked me. “I’m scared, God. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t see what you see, but I don’t want to go back to my old ways. I’m afraid of what’s ahead. You’re calling me to be a father and I need help. God, let your glory appear. I don’t want to be on the world’s side of safe but on the side of glory. God, I want you to be pleased with me. I wanna be what you delight in. God, I’m at a pivotal point in my life and I just want you. I need you. Show me your glory. Help me to see your glory. I’ll follow you. I surrender to you. Even if I lose everything and everyone and it’s just you and me, I still want you. I’m ready to fight. I only want those around me and in my life that are ready to fight. I say yes, God.”