14. Sunnie
Life had a crazy way of humbling you. My parents invited me to have brunch with them at Another Broken Egg and for the first time in our family’s history, us three sitting around the table when there should’ve been four, a gloom of incompleteness haunted our table. An awkwardness that teased my inner pride and ego, laughing in my face that the solemn expression on my parents” faces, especially that of my mom, I caused it.
I’m the reason she’ll never have family dinners with both of her girls.
I’m the reason she’ll never have mom-and-daughter dates randomly throughout the week.
Aleyah had gone so far as to block me. I tried calling and texting her a hundred times, but I couldn’t get through. When she said she was wiping her hands clean with me, she meant it and I had to live with the burning consequences.
“How’s Ezekiel doing? Grief is a hard thing to manage. Is he seeking counseling?” My daddy, the first man to own my heart, wasn’t a big fan of my relationship with Zeek. I couldn’t blame him. What father would be okay with his daughter pining over an adult entertainer? Several times he’s voiced his concern and fear of Zeek potentially influencing me to live on the wilder side of life and join him in a few flicks.
That wasn’t my style.
I’ve been nude a time or two but nothing not tastefully done.
“Um, he’s managing the best he can. A few days ago he started counseling with Bishop, which is good. We’re both managing all the grief in our lives the best way we can.” My dad and Bishop were… acquaintances.
Back in the day when my dad called himself being a dope boy, he worked on the corner for Bishop and his brother until he moved up to lieutenant status. For years he lived a double life. Working for Waste Management during the day driving garbage trucks and running the streets at night. My mom never knew about it. She never questioned the extra money in their account because it wasn’t odd for him to get large bonuses throughout the year. He made good money at Waste Management and still does now in the position of leadership.
None of it was suspicious until it was.
Stacey Diane Austin flipped her shit and filed for divorce.
Aleyah’s dad, my mom’s first husband, got hooked on drugs way too early in life. It destroyed their family and destroyed their marriage. While my dad wasn’t using his own supply, being the one to supply it hit too close to home. Luckily, my dad was a fighter and fought tooth and nail for my mom and to keep our family together. He stopped working for Bishop and continued working at Waste Management.
Looking out the window with a faraway look, my mama wasn hurting. Daddy followed my gaze, seeing his heart wounded. His arms tightened around her, nose gliding along her cheek until his lips rested on her ear, where he whispered a secret passage of revival that made her cheeks spread into her big smile.
I loved my parents’ love.
I loved how after so many years of being with each other, the desire to belong with each other never wavered but grew as the years passed.
“What’s troubling you, mama?”
Loving on my daddy a little bit longer, she took a sip of her warm lemon and peach tea. “I keep looking out the window in hopes your sister will come, but I know she’s not.”
“Because she’s not in town, Stac. Remember, I told you that after I dropped her off at the airport?” A wave of jealousy swirled around my stomach. Wanting to grow into bigger tides, but I suppressed it because the relationship between her and my daddy reflected the integrity of his heart.
He loved Aleyah.
Treated her as if she came from him.
They’ve built a solid relationship that I used to try my hardest to destroy.
Shame on me.
“You… you saw her? Where is she going? Is it back to Chicago?” My lips started moving faster than I could control them.
My parents looked at each other before my daddy looked at me with all honesty and said, “Yes, I saw her. Have seen her quite a few times since she moved back. Where she’s going, that I don’t know. When it comes to her personal life, she isn’t so forthcoming. And no, she isn’t moving back to Chicago. At least not right now.” Daddy got quiet and looked off. Every few seconds he’d clear his throat and rub his eyes and mom would try to soothe him. I sat confused on what had caused him to get emotional.
Kenny Austin rarely cried. Had no problem expressing himself and being vulnerable but tears weren’t ever invited to the party.
“Did she… did she tell you about our conversation?”
My dad excused himself from the table and my mom sighed. “No, baby, she didn’t. What happened, Sunnie? I know something happened because after she left you she came to the shop and hugged me for what felt like hours. Hugged me and cried. Saying she loves me and forgives me and then she leaves and goes to the house and does the same thing with your dad. And now she’s gone again and no one knows where she is.” Looking at my mom was like looking at Aleyah. They were so identical that it hurt.
“I… um… whew.” Where was the food because this wasn’t the place for this type of conversation. Granted we had the back corner of the restaurant to ourselves, but still. “I owned my mean girl mentality when it comes to her.” My dad came back at that moment and I wished he hadn’t. It was one thing to confess my wrongs in front of my mom, but doing so in front of my dad, I didn’t want his perception of me to change.
I didn’t want him to love me less.
I didn’t want him to look at me as not his little princess.
“We talked and I explained why I’ve been an evil bitch to her all our lives. She took the attention off of me growing up. When I wanted your attention, you were too busy spoiling her. That infuriated me to no end. I’ve built my career around making her suffer and look less than. In my heart and mind, you loved her more than me when you two are my parents. Her dad is dead yet my daddy was trying to be something he isn’t to her. I’m your child, not her. And mom, you failed at knowing how to delegate your time and love. You gave her more attention than me when I’m your daughter too. To be honest, y’all play a role in my treatment of her because had you made me the top priority, I wouldn’t feel like my sister is my competition and my enemy.”
What the fuck, Sunnie?
I hated the uncontrollable vomit of my mouth when asked certain questions. My ugly truth was my ugly truth to deal with, not them.
No one said a word.
Mom looked like she was three seconds from leaping over the table and popping me in my mouth, and dad looked exactly how I didn’t want him to.
Disappointed.
“Here you are, folks.” Our server came at the right time. Plates of pipping hot food were placed before us with a side of mom’s evil glare. “Enjoy.” I wanted him to stay because I knew shit was about to hit the fan.
Dad blessed the food, and we started eating in silence. Eyes on our plates, thoughts running wild. The shift at the table had me on the verge of tears, but it was time. They needed to know why I was the mean girl to my sister. They needed to know how I felt over the years. Could my delivery have been a little different? Absolutely. There’s always room for improvement. But we’re here now.
Twenty minutes later the server was back taking our empty plates. “I’ll leave this here for whenever you’re ready.” He placed the check booklet down and left me again to deal with the storm I caused.
“I’m sorry for making you feel you didn’t matter, Sunnie. I’m sorry.” Mom admitted and her apology was genuine but it didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel good because the more I’ve had time to truly sit and think about my childhood, I was never neglected in love, time, or favor. If anything they suffocated me, but that’s the lie I’ve had to tell myself to feel justified in my actions towards Aleyah.
“Thank yo-”
“I’m disappointed in you, Sunnie.” Resting his upper body on his elbows, my dad’s wet eyes sunk my heart to the pit of my stomach. My lies had caused so many people”s grief.
“Kenny.” Mom tried to intervene.
“Maybe your mom believes that fucked up story, but I don’t because I know how I loved you as a child and into adulthood. There was never a time when I didn’t overexert myself in making sure you knew how much I loved you, Sunnie. Yes, we gave you everything your heart desired but you were loved well and safely. We loved you well. I loved you well.” He stabbed his finger in his chest with each word and I sat there in a complete crying mess because he was right.
“How dare you feel as though I shouldn’t have been a father to an innocent child. A seven-year-old child. If I’m to love my wife, your mother, in totality doesn’t that mean loving her children too? Because if I don’t that means my love isn’t whole, right? It’s conditional and makes me a fuck nigga. How dare you try to lessen my worth as a man to justify your fucked up insecurities and lies? If my love was conditional or limited why aren’t you around here with daddy issues? Why aren’t you bouncing around from person to person trying to fill a void? Regardless of the Hollywood life you live, you have never dealt with a man outside of a certain caliber. Simon and all his weirdo tendencies, y’all relationship was transactional, but he never treated you less than and he provided for you. Though I dislike his profession, Ezekiel, a high-value man, treats you like the queen you are. So where did I go wrong, Sunnie? All of your relationships have been healthy because I gave you the blueprint on how you should be loved by how I love you.”
This isn’t what I wanted.
This isn’t how this conversation was supposed to go.
I loved Ezekiel so much and fell head over heels in love with him because he reminds me so much of my dad. His selflessness in making sure I’m okay and taken care of. His openness to communicate even when the conversations are hard. How he puts me and my feelings first. The safety net around me. The force field bubble of protection. The comfort I feel in his manly being.
I have my share of shit but daddy issues or even mommy issues have never been one.
Yet, I allowed this spirit of jealousy to create false illusions.
False illusions that had me out here destroying relationships.
“I’m sorry for projecting my insecurities and jealousy on you guys. Blaming you and mom for my issues. I’m… I’ve always been jealous of Aleyah. Jealous of everything she does and her wholebeing. I think it started with kids at school always wanting to play with her and not me. Cousins preferred her over me, or at least that’s how it made me feel. Then one or two comments from people telling me I should be more like Aleyah. If I wanted to go places I should be more like her. How she was special and talented. I wanted them to say those things about me. Their words were planted in my heart and started to root down and cause a shift. I can’t pinpoint when it all began, doesn’t really matter now because I’m a grown woman still thinking as a child. The more I think about it, the more foolish I feel because she’s older than me. When I came along, if anyone should have been jealous, it should be her, but she’s never treated me wrong. She taught me how to love myself in all seasons, yet I’ve hated her in all hers. While I’ve been trying to be better than her, so no one can ever say that if I want to be somebody, I need to be like her. I wanted to make sure I was the more fun one that people wanted to be around because if I had it all and she had nothing, then I should’ve been the first pick for everything. My goals turned into being the best, even if it meant tearing her down. I’m truly sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.”
Catching our server as he passed by, I handed him my credit card with the bill. “Thank you.”
My parents hadn’t said much since I revealed the rotten layers of my onion orbit. Mom went back to looking out the window with the weight of the world on her shoulders and Dad burned a hole in the table. A shift happened in our family. One of pain and regret and I was at the root of it all.
“I’m going to the car.” Grabbing his keys, Dad stood from the table and walked over to my side. Cupping my chin in his hands, he kissed the top of my head and whispered how much he loved me. “If I ever lacked in my love for you, I’m sorry. I truly am. You’re my princess, Sunnie. Though you apologized, my heart is still in pain from your confession. I only ever tried to love you to the best of my ability and I failed. Be safe, baby girl.” He walked away and warm tears soaked my face.
“Mom…”
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Sunnie. I really don’t. Aleyah and I have our issues because of how we started. A child raising a child. But this with you, I’ll take accountability and apologize for the way you feel. I won’t diminish how your feelings. But the part that got me pissed is you trying to blame it on kids picking on you and such, but the raw honesty spoke first. We didn’t love you enough and for that, we apologize, but what I won’t tolerate and apologize for is the way you’ve treated your sister.” In a quickness, she switched from soft spoken Stacey who owned the best hair salon in the tri-county area to Stacey from Driftwood, who used to fight in the middle of the street and carry a blade under her tongue.
An acrylic nail pointed in my face, and her lips pinched. She gathered me quickly. “What did I tell you the last time you called yourself bullying my damn child? I told you that I would beat your ass because I’m sick of it. For years I thought y’all had the normal little sister big sister quarrels. Aleyah never said a word, and neither did your ass. I had to overhear you talking shit about her to a fucking stranger to fully understand what’s been going on for years. For years, Sunnie. On the outside you’re beautiful, but on the inside, you’re ugly as shit. Do you understand the hurt I feel knowing that your sister doesn’t want to be around us anymore? Play them games for all your dumb fans, but I told you not to bring that fake bullying shit to this family.” Her bottom lip trembled, and her voice cracked. “Y’all are my girls. My girls.”
Following the same steps as my dad, she hugged me and kissed my cheek. “A lot of things were said today. Emotions are high and all of us need time to process. I love you, baby girl.” She left, and I was left alone.