21. Jax #2
She reaches for my hand, but I snatch my arm away. I don’t want her touching me.
“Please let me explain, Jax.”
I swing around and face her. “Explain what, Candice? That I have a daughter who’s almost fucking three, and I’m only just finding out about her now? How the hell are you going to explain that?”
A lump rises to my throat as the enormity of this situation sinks in. Maddison is my kid. Christ. For some strange reason, Beau’s words enter my mind: She has your eyes . Fuck, why didn’t I see that? I guess the idea never crossed my mind because I trusted Candice.
Jesus Christ. I have a little girl. I don’t know whether to scream or cry.
My brief elation quickly turns back to anger. I loved this girl, I trusted her with my life. And now she’s deceived me in the most unthinkable way. She not only lied to me, but she robbed me of almost three years of my daughter’s life. How can I be okay with that?
“What was I supposed to do, I was eighteen. You left me.”
Is that her lame excuse for doing what she did? She’s got to be kidding. Who is this monster standing before me? How could I have been so wrong about a person?
“I went away to university, Candice. I didn’t just up and leave for the fun of it. You knew I was going.”
She pushes me again. “You fucked me and left! You snuck out in the middle of the night like a thief and didn’t even say goodbye!”
Her tears continue to fall, but I feel no sympathy for her.
She may see it that way, but that’s not how it was.
Yes, at first I ran, but I was scared. I freaked out.
It still doesn’t excuse her keeping this from me.
I had a right to know. Three fucking years.
She has a hide calling me a thief; I’m the one who’s been robbed.
“Yes, I left, but that’s no excuse for keeping this from me.”
“I messaged you when I first found out and you acted like an arsehole.”
“Hold on a minute,” I say. “You sent me a text to say I was a disappointment. At no time did you mention you were pregnant.”
“Because you shut me down before I even got a chance.”
“I messaged you the next day and said I was sorry, but you never replied. A few weeks later I wrote you a letter, but it came back unopened, with ‘return to sender’ written on the envelope.”
“What?” she says as her brow furrows. “What letter? I never received a letter.”
“I sent a letter to your old address in Canberra. I thought you were the one who’d sent it back.”
“I never received it.”
“I gather that now.”
She pauses as she lets this news sink in, but the silence doesn’t last long. “Letter or no letter, you still left without a word.”
“I had my reasons for leaving the way I did, Candice.”
“And I had my reasons for not telling you about Maddie,” she snaps. “You broke my heart, Jax. It took me years to get over what you did.”
Her comment only infuriates me further. I doubt she could say anything to justify what she’s done. “So, you kept this from me as some sick form of revenge? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“Of course not.” I have no more words to say to her at this moment. Not any nice ones, anyway. I’m confused, I’m shocked, I’m angry, but more than anything, I’m fucken broken. Turning, I head towards the car. “Jax, wait! Please,” Candice pleads.
“Don’t touch me,” I snap when she grabs hold of my arm.
“Please.”
I can hear the desperation in her voice, but for once I don’t care. Whatever she needs to say she should’ve said three fucking years ago.
I slam the car door. I need space. I need to clear my head. I need to get a grip on the fact that I’m a father. Talk about an insta-fucking-family.
Tears sting my eyes when I think of Maddie. I’m not the only one who’s been lied to. I’d love to march into that house, grab my little girl and take her with me, but I don’t want to frighten her by removing her from the only home she’s ever known.
Jesus. I can’t quite fathom that I have a kid. A smile briefly tugs at my lips as I picture her sweet face. I’ve missed so much of her life already. I feel so cheated. I hate that Candice stripped me of my right to know my daughter and be involved in her life.
Once I’ve turned the key in the ignition, I put the car into reverse and screech out of the driveway. I see Candice drop to her knees in my rear-view mirror. I take a moment to watch as her body shudders with racking sobs. As angry as I am, seeing her like that breaks my fucking heart in two.
Slamming my foot to the floor, I take off down the street.
My vision is blurry, but I’m not sure if they’re tears of pain or happiness.
I just lost the most precious thing I have, but on the other hand, I gained something just as beautiful.
A strangled sob bubbles up from the back of my throat as I let the tears fall freely.
I still can’t believe it.
Maddie is my little girl .
I drop the cigarette to the ground, stubbing it out with my foot. I bought a packet when I stopped off at the bottle shop on my way here. This is one of those stressful times that requires smokes and plenty of alcohol. I’ll take anything I can if it helps calm me the hell down.
I knock on the door. “Who’s there?” I hear Beau call from the other side.
“It’s me, Jax.” Don’t even ask me why I’m here, but I had nowhere else to go. I need someone to help me wrap my head around this clusterfuck.
“Jax,” he says when he opens the door. “Is everything okay?”
As shitty as I’m feeling, I smile when I see he’s wearing the striped flannelette pyjamas Candice bought him.
She picked up a heap of clothes in his size from the op shop, as well as buying new shoes, socks, underwear and a warm winter jacket.
He looks like a different man from the one I first met.
Candice gave him a haircut and his beard is now trimmed and tidy.
Everywhere I look, all I see is pieces of her.
She did well for a lying, deceitful bitch.
“I’m sorry to disturb you,” I say, looking down at my feet. I shouldn’t have come here. He has enough shit to deal with, without being burdened down with my drama. “I—”
“Don’t be silly. Come in.” He moves to the side so I can enter. “You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Son.”
Am I that transparent?
I feel bad when I see the covers on the bed turned back. “You were in bed. I should go.”
“Sit down, young man,” Beau says sternly.
He points to the nightstand. The lamp is on and there’s a pair of reading glasses sitting on top of a newspaper.
I notice the glass in one of the lenses is cracked and there’s tape keeping the arms attached.
I make a mental note to get them fixed for him.
“I wasn’t asleep; I was reading the paper your little lady left for me. ”
Little lady.
I usually like it when he refers to Candice as mine, but not tonight.
Just the mention of her is like a sucker punch to the chest. She’s not my little lady, she’s …
I don’t know what she is anymore. She’s certainly not the person I thought she was.
For years I kept her on a pedestal. I’m a damn fool.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over this betrayal.
The moment I try to speak, my voice cracks.
“Sit down,” Beau instructs, guiding me to the end of the bed.
Once I’m seated, he takes the brown paper bag out of my hand and shuffles across the room to grab a glass.
“By the looks of it, you need one of these.” Once he pours a decent amount of amber liquid into it, he places it in my hand, before sitting beside me.
“Drink, then talk,” he adds, pointing at the glass.
I down the Jack Daniels in one gulp. I welcome the burn as it slides down the back of my throat.
Beau takes the glass out of my hand and refills it.
I shake my head in disbelief, Candice’s revelation rocked me to the core and still hasn’t sunk in.
Why couldn’t I see it? How did I not know Maddie was my daughter?
“I found something out tonight,” I say as I turn to Beau. “Remember how you said that Candice’s sister had my eyes?”
“Yes.” He nods. A few seconds later his eyes widen, and I can tell he understands what I’m trying to say. “She’s your daughter?”
“Yes. Three years—how could she keep this from me for three fucking years?”
“So you and Candice’s mother—”
“What? Hell, no. Candice and I.” Christ, how could he think I’d hook up with Sophia? That’s all kinds of wrong. “Maddie’s her daughter—our daughter. We were only together once … years ago.”
“Oh.” Yes, oh. I raise the glass to my lips. I want to feel numb. This time the booze doesn’t even touch the sides. I doubt if the entire bottle will lessen the dull ache in my chest. “Did she explain why she kept this from you?”
“She tried, but I didn’t stick around to find out.”
“That wasn’t a very smart move. I’m not condoning what she did for a second, but she’s a good kid. I’m sure there must’ve been a reason.”
I hold the glass out to him. When he refills it, I tilt my head back and raise the glass to my mouth. I drink the whiskey down, but it doesn’t help. I can still feel the deceit, right down to my very core.
Beau takes the glass from me when I hold it out to him. I need more .
“I trusted her. I fucking trusted her,” I say as I cover my face with my hands.
Devastation consumes me. I will my tears back, but it’s no use; I’m powerless to stop them.
I haven’t cried like this since I was a kid.
All the shit my family has put me through over the years doesn’t even come close to how I feel at this moment.
Candice is the one person I believed would never screw me over.
How could she do this to me ?
I’m taken aback when Beau reaches for me, pulling me into his chest. My parents never held me like this. Never .
“There, there,” he says as he holds me while I cry. “Life has a funny way of working itself out, Son.”