25. Jax
JAX
I feel like a lowdown prick when Candice buries her face in her hands and starts to sob, but as much as I want to, I refuse to comfort her.
I’m incredibly hurt and angry. Those words have been festering inside me for six long months; they needed to be said.
No matter what her reasons are, what she did to me was wrong.
She needs to be held accountable for that.
I stand there and watch her cry, arms folded across my chest like a cold-hearted bastard.
This is not the man I am, but heartache can make you do the most despicable things.
Everything in me wants to hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
A part of me wants to hurt her like she has done to me.
Having her here brings all my feelings to the surface. I despise myself for still loving her when I should hate her for what she’s done.
I try my hardest to soften my voice when I finally speak. “Why don’t you go home and talk with your mum? She was devastated when you left.”
Wiping the tears from her face, her red-rimmed eyes meet mine.
There’s no doubt she’s lost weight while she’s been gone.
Her face is drawn, and there are dark circles under her eyes.
I’m guessing the past six months haven’t been easy for her either.
She looks broken. Even after everything she’s done to me, it kills me to see her hurting.
“You want me to leave? I’d like the chance to at least explain. Please, Jax, give me that at least.”
“I have every intention of hearing you out,” I say, even though I don’t hold any hope that it’ll make a difference. “I just want to spend some time with my daughter first. You owe me that at the very least.”
What colour there is in her face drains away. “You’re keeping Maddie?”
I’m not keeping her, but I’d like to spend some time with her. I’ve missed out on so much of her life already. “I think it’s only fair that I get to spend some quality time with my kid since I haven’t seen her in six months.”
“You’re going to give her back though, right?”
“Of course, I’m going to give her back, but we’ll need to come to some arrangement. I want her in my life.” As much as I want Maddie here with me, I could never take her away from her mother or Sophia. I know how much she loves them.
“Okay.”
“Go see Sophia, and I’ll drop her back later tonight. Maybe we can talk then.”
“Sure. I’d like a chance to explain. Please know I didn’t do this to hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“You did hurt me. You hurt me a lot.”
“Are you hungry?” I ask Maddie as I take a seat beside her on the sofa. She’s watching a Dora the fucking Explorer marathon, but I don’t care. As much as I hate this damn cartoon, I’d sit here all night and watch it if it made my little girl happy.
“Yes.”
I smile when she climbs onto my lap, her eyes never once leaving the television. “Do you wanna go get something to eat then?”
“Kay,” she says, snuggling into me and laying her head on my chest.
I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and place a kiss on her hair. “What do you feel like?”
“Ride rice,” she says, looking up at me briefly.
It’s funny how all the signs are as clear as day now. Her eyes, her left-handedness, even her tiny fingers and toes resemble mine. I love that . I guess I couldn’t see it before because I never would’ve believed that Candice could betray me like she has.
“When this episode finishes, we’ll go get some fried rice.”
“Kay.”
She’s such a good girl. I find myself smiling as she laughs, squeals and repeats the words Dora says in Spanish. As painful as this show is, but I love how much she loves it. When it’s over, I grab the cardigan Candice left for her, sliding her little arms in.
“Ta,” she says when I finish buttoning up the front. I pick her up and kiss her cheek. I’m so happy she’s back.
“You’re ready to go.”
“Puppy?” she says, extending her arms. I see him lying on the sofa.
“Maybe we should leave Puppy here. We don’t want to lose him like we did last time.”
“Puppy come. Puppy like ride rice.”
When she pouts, I cave straightaway. I think I’m going to have a hard time denying her anything. “Okay. Puppy can come.”
Maddie reaches for my hand on the way to the restaurant and it’s the best fucking feeling ever.
It still blows my mind that I’m her dad, but I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter girl.
I’m going to try my hardest to be the best damn father I can.
Nothing like my fucked-up parents. My only regret is that my relationship with Candice is ruined.
I don’t think it’s possible to get back what we had. Too much has happened.
I groan when I realise I’m singing the Dora the Explorer theme song in my head. That show is going to be the death of me.