26. Jax
JAX
“P hia!” Maddie squeals when Sophia answers the door. I was hesitant to bring her back—a few hours with her was not nearly enough.
“My baby!” Sophia cries, taking Maddie out of my arms and crushing her small body against hers. “God, I’ve missed you … I’ve missed you so much.”
Maddie giggles as Sophia peppers kisses all over her face. Witnessing their reunion brings a lump to my throat. That’s exactly how I felt a few hours ago. Although tears are streaming down her face, Sophia is smiling when her eyes move to me.
“Our girls are home,” she whispers. She moves Maddie to her hip and uses her free arm to pull me into a hug. “I told you they’d come back.”
She did, and I’m so glad she was right.
“My daddy, Phia,” Maddie says, pointing to me. It makes my smile widen. It’s a wonderful feeling to be needed, wanted, loved . I’m no longer alone in this big, cruel world. I have my little girl by my side, and that’s all I’ll ever need.
“Yes, he is,” Sophia replies, winking at me. “Candice is in the kitchen. I’m going to take Maddie upstairs for a bath, so you two can talk.”
“Thanks.”
As I turn, Sophia grabs my elbow. “Take it easy on her, Jax? I know you’re upset, but she’s very fragile at the moment.”
I nod. I’ve been racked with guilt since she left my house in tears. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than she already is. We’re going to have to find a middle ground if we’re going to co-parent our daughter.
My heart aches when I walk into the kitchen and find Candice with her head buried in her hands. There’s a pile of used tissues sitting on the table in front of her. When I reach her side, I pull her off the chair and into my arms.
“Don’t cry,” I whisper.
“Oh, Jax. I’ve ruined everything. Can you ever forgive me?”
Can I forgive her? I don’t know.
When she buries her face into my chest, I rest my chin on the top of her head. Her sweet apple scent envelops me. I’ve missed that smell. “Shh,” I say, rubbing her back as I hold her tight.
I don’t let go until her tears finally stop. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand before plucking another tissue out of the box and blowing her nose.
“This has been hard on all of us,” I say, taking a seat at the table.
“Thank you for coming over … and for bringing Maddie back.”
“Of course, I’d bring her back. I’m not a monster. She loves you, and I’d never take that away from her.”
“Like I took her away from you?” Candice’s shoulders slump and I can see she regrets what she’s done. She should—her actions almost broke me.
“We need to sort this out, Candice, find some kind of common ground. We can’t be fighting all the time. We have Maddie to consider now.”
“We do,” she says, taking the seat beside me and giving me a half-hearted smile.
“Can you start by telling me why? Why did you keep the pregnancy from me?”
She shrugs. “I wanted to tell you from the very beginning.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“The day I sent you that text message was the same day I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock, frightened and devastated. You were the first person I contacted. I hadn’t even told Sophia yet.
It’s not something I expected, Jax, or even wanted.
I was only eighteen. You were the first, and only person I’d ever slept with. ”
“I knew I should’ve fucking wrapped it,” I mumble under my breath, as I shake my head.
“Well, you didn’t. There’s no point dwelling on that now. What’s done is done. I wouldn’t give Maddie back for anything.”
“I wouldn’t either.” She’s the only good thing to come out of this mess. “I still wish you would’ve told me. Why didn’t you tell me?” I’m trying not to get angry at her, but I need to know.
“It had been over a month since I’d heard from you.
It was really hard for me to reach out to you by then.
You’d slept with me and done a runner in the middle of the night, so the last thing I wanted to do was chase after you like some pathetic loser.
Your reply to my text was hurtful, Jax. It was so unlike the person I thought I knew and not the response I’d hoped for. ”
“Your message wasn’t what I’d hoped for either. I was so happy to see your name on the screen. You have no idea how much I needed to hear from you that day. And then you said I was a disappointment. All my life I’ve been called a disappointment.”
“I was disappointed. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that.”
“It’s what I do best. I disappoint people.” I pause, giving myself a moment to calm down. Losing my shit is not going to help. “Regardless of my reply, there was no mention of a kid.”
“After the things you said, I wasn’t sure if you’d even want to know.”
“Of course, I would’ve wanted to know—she’s my fucking kid. I had a right to know, Candice.”
“A part of me hated you for treating me as if I was nothing. You used me.”
“I never used you. That night meant everything to me.” I reach across the table and place my hand on top of hers. “It meant everything . I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“It meant everything to me too,” she whispers, but she can’t meet my eyes.
“I was eighteen, Jax. Pregnant … alone. Sophia freaked when I told her. Fuck, did she freak. I guess it was a given after everything she went through with me. It was history repeating itself. She never wanted me to end up like her, young, single and pregnant.”
“I can understand that. But, it still doesn’t explain why you never told me.”
“There were so many reasons, Jax.”
“Like?”
“It wasn’t one thing. It was a combination of things.”
“For fuck’s sake, Candice.” I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I need answers. “Stop talking in circles.”
“You leaving, your lack of contact, your reaction to my messages, your potential career in politics, my age, Sophia … the list is endless. You always said you never wanted to have kids, Jax. That you never wanted to settle down or commit to anyone. When Sophia first mentioned that she should bring the baby up as her own, I thought it was preposterous. The baby was a part of me—of us . It was all I had left of you.” Her eyes finally move back to me.
“I didn’t decide on a whim. I considered everything.
That’s when we chose to move away. I picked Sydney because I knew that’s where you were.
I still hoped … you know … that we’d somehow magically reconnect and live happily ever after. I was young. Delusional.”
“I’m sorry.” I feel like such a bastard. I should’ve made more of an effort. In my heart I already knew our friendship would never be the same; once we crossed that line everything changed. But that’s no excuse for the way I treated her. “I still wish you would’ve told me.”
“Knowing everything I know now; I wish that too. There were so many times I picked up the phone to call you. My heart was hurting. I felt like I was walking around with a thousand bricks crushing my chest. I was fragile, and unsure if I was even capable of taking another blow from you. Try to understand things from my point of view. You were never the commitment type. At school, you moved from one girl to the next. After you left, I heard nothing from you, so I naturally thought that you were doing the same thing to me, moving on to your next good time. You left me feeling like I was just another notch on your belt. The further the pregnancy went on, the more I lost hope. In the end, I decided to take Sophia up on her offer. I was in a dark place, and I knew she could give Maddie the stability she needed.”
“What about when you came back into my life? Why didn’t you speak up then?
You had me spending time with her. Fuck, I even looked after her.
How could you not tell me?” My voice cracks.
I’m not even sure what I expect her to say.
There are no magical words that will make this ache in my chest go away.
Nothing she can say is going to fix this.
“There were so many times I wanted to tell you … so many . It was eating away at me. Especially when I saw how good you were with her. But by then it was too late. There was no point in telling you. Maddie was happy, and I didn’t want to disrupt her life.
You were happy too. Your business was going well, and you seemed content.
It killed me to know she was yours and I couldn’t say anything, but then you’d say or do something that seemed to confirm I’d made the right decision.
Having you spend time with her was my way of giving you something …
giving you both something. She’d never taken to anyone the way she did you.
You bonded right from the beginning. It was like you both somehow knew you belonged together.
” Pausing, she covers her face with her hands.
“I thought I was doing the right thing for all of us.” The moment she starts to cry again, I reach for her. “I’m so sorry, Jax.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I understand why she felt the way she did, but that’s not how it was, not in my eyes. Candice was my life . I was in love with her. I would’ve been there if I’d known. I can’t seem to let go of this anger raging around inside me
Releasing her, I lean back in my chair and exhale.
What’s done is done, I suppose. As much as I hate it, we can’t change the past. But one thing’s for sure, we can’t go back to the way things were.
Even if her reasons hold merit, my trust in her is gone.
All I can do now is move forward the best way I can. I have no choice.
“Where did you go? Why did you stay away for so long?”
“Wagga Wagga.”
“Wagga Wagga? That’s in the middle of fucking nowhere.”
“It’s only five hours away.” She lets out a small laugh. “It’s a really beautiful place.”
“Why there?” She doesn’t need to answer that. She probably thought that would be the last place we’d look for her, and she was right.
“When I first left we stayed in a motel for a few nights.” I focus on the tissue she’s twisting around in her fingers as she talks.
“I was never going to go for so long, but I knew I wasn’t ready to come home yet.
My head was all over the place. So, I just got in the car and drove and drove.
That’s where we ended up. We stopped in the town to get something to eat, and I saw an advertisement in the window for a small cabin for rent.
After lunch, I went out to the property to take a look.
“It was beautiful … so picturesque, and situated on the banks of the Murrumbidgee River. I fell in love with it. I knew it was just what I needed to get my head in the right space. The cabin had 360-degree views of the countryside. The old couple who owned it, Mr and Mrs Lynch, were so lovely. They adored having Maddie around. Their homestead was on the same property as the cabin, but still far enough away to give us privacy. It didn’t seem to stop them from looking out for us.
They even invited us over for dinner occasionally. ”
As much as I hated them being gone, I’m glad they were looked after.
That’s what weighed on my mind the most, not knowing if they were safe.
She should have at least let us know they were okay.
A simple call or text. Was that too much to ask?
I think Sophia and I would’ve suffered a lot less if Candice had at least done that.
My chest aches, and my head hurts. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around this bullshit. Only a few short months ago everything was perfect. I was happy. Deliriously happy . I had the woman of my dreams by my side. I thought I was set for the rest of my life.
At least they’re home now. I may have lost my lover, my best friend, but I have the rest of my life with my little girl to look forward to.
You’ve gotta take the positives where you can.