28. Candice
CANDICE
I plaster a smile on my face when I walk through the front door. Sophia is worried about me. I’ve put her through hell the past six months and she probably thinks I’m going to fall back into the hole I was in when Maddie was born.
At the time, I was still struggling with the loss of Jax, so stepping aside to let Sophia raise my daughter sent me spiralling out of control.
She was a piece of us. All I had left. Yes, I got to live with her and see her every day, but it wasn’t the same.
Pretending she wasn’t mine was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When she was born, I breastfed her for the first two weeks, but then Sophia suggested that we wean her onto a bottle.
She said it would keep me from getting too attached …
I was already attached. I was the one who experienced every kick, every movement as she grew inside me.
She was part of me. How could I not feel connected to the life I helped create?
I knew Sophia was doing what she thought was best for me, but there was a part of me that resented her for it.
I wish Jax could understand how hard this has been for me, and how much I suffered from the decisions I made.
How his treatment of me led to years of heartache and regret.
In time I’ll get through this, I know I will.
This is a walk in the park compared to what I’ve already been through.
I have my little girl back, and I now get to be the mother I always craved to be.
I wish things were the way they used to be between me and Jax, but I have to accept that they’re not, and probably never will be.
Seeing him is going to be a struggle, as well as a continual reminder of what I’ve lost. But being able to witness the relationship he’s trying to have with his daughter is beautiful.
As much as it hurts me to see him, I don’t want to miss that.
He’s already proven he’s going to be a wonderful father, and I’m happy that Maddie is going to have that, as it’s something I wished for all my life: a father to love me.
I freeze when I enter the kitchen and see my mum wrapped in the arms of a man—something I’ve never seen before. This must be the guy she told me about. God, what’s his name again? Bruce? Brock? Bryce? I’m sure it starts with a ‘B’.
I stand there bewildered, unable to look away.
He’s humming some song in her ear as their bodies sway.
A smile tugs at my lips when he twirls her in his arms before dipping her back.
It’s a beautiful sight. Sophia deserves happiness.
She sacrificed her whole adult life to care for me, then Maddie.
It’s time she got her chance to live again.
“Candice,” I hear Sophia say as I spin around to leave the room. “I didn’t realise you were back.”
“I just got here.”
“Come,” she says. “I want you to meet Brendan.”
Ah, Brendan, I was close. He looks to be in his early fifties, and very handsome.
His thick, dark hair is greying at the sides, and he has the most beautiful green eyes.
They kind of twinkle. The way Sophia looks up at him and smiles when she says that warms my heart.
I hope he feels the same way about her—I don’t want to see her get hurt.
As far as I know, there’s been nobody since my father.
Although my sperm donor has provided for us financially all these years, he’s wanted nothing to do with me.
I hate him for that, but especially for the way he’s treated her.
She didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly.
She didn’t ask for me, but I’ll be forever grateful she stepped up and took responsibility for the life she helped create.
God knows where I would’ve ended up if she hadn’t.
“Hi,” I say, extending my hand to him. “I’m Candice.”
“It’s lovely to finally meet you, Candice.”
Sophia filled me in on Brendan’s entire life story when I first came home.
She gushed about him for hours and hours.
The CliffsNotes version: he’s some hotshot criminal lawyer who was married for twenty-six years.
He and his wife were very career-minded and didn’t have any children of their own.
Their divorce was amicable—apparently they drifted apart over the years.
Now he lives in a penthouse apartment in the city.
He’s a sensational kisser. A total romantic.
A die-hard footy fan. He’s close with his family.
He has two brothers and one sister, or was it two sisters and one brother; I’d kind of tuned out by then.
“Thank you. It’s nice to meet you too,” I reply. “I’ll leave you two alone, I’m going to my room.”
“Wait,” Sophia says, grabbing my arm. “How did things go at Jax’s?”
“Okay.” I shrug. “Maddie’s new room looks amazing. He did such a great job on it.”
“How was he with you?”
“Fine. You know…” I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in front of Brendan. “They were settling in for a movie night when I left.”
“He didn’t ask if you wanted to join them?”
“No. I think he was looking forward to spending time with her alone.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Sophia rubs her hand affectionately down my arm. “Give him time. It’s a big adjustment for him.”
“I know.” I plaster on a smile. “Where are you two heading tonight?”
“Dinner and dancing,” Sophia says, smiling up at Brendan all goofy-eyed.
“You’re more than welcome to join us,” Brendan adds. He slides his arm around her waist and pulls her into his side before placing a kiss on the top of her head. It’s very sweet. I envy them.
“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want to be the third wheel.”
“You won’t be. Come with us,” Sophia says. “I hate the thought of you being here all alone.”
“Honestly, I’m fine. I have some things I want to do anyway.” I kiss her on the cheek. “Have a great time.” I move my attention to Brendan. “Look after my mum, she’s pretty special.”
“She is, and I will,” he says, his eyes never once leaving her. The way he looks at her has me feeling somewhat relieved. It’s pretty obvious he’s just as smitten as she is.
“Maddie!” I cry as she lets go of Jax’s hand and leaps into my arms. I’m impressed that she’s already bathed and dressed in her pyjamas. He’s a good dad. “I missed you, baby girl.”
It’s only been two days, but it felt like an eternity.
I know Jax needs his time with his daughter, but I struggled without her this weekend.
That six months we spent together bonded us.
It strengthened what we already had and finally gave me the chance to do what I’ve craved since her birth: to be her mother in every sense of the word.
Yes, I helped raise her, but this was different.
“Mummy,” she shouts, squeezing me tightly around the neck. Hearing her call me that makes me smile. She occasionally slips up and calls me ‘Sissy’, but mostly it’s ‘Mummy’ now.
“Did you have fun at Daddy’s house?” It feels weird yet liberating to say that.
“Daddy fun. We had cake.”
“Wow, cake. You’re a lucky girl.”
Jax smiles as he shoves his free hand into his pocket, showing me that vulnerable side of his that I’ve always loved.
But his smile seems forced, and I hate that he now sees me in a different light.
I’m still the same person I always was. I made a mistake.
Hopefully, in time we’ll at least get back to a fraction of what we were. I miss him so much I ache inside.
“Chocwit cake.” Maddie gets her sweet tooth from him.
“Mmm, my favourite.” After burying my lips into her soft cheek, I put her on the ground. “Sophia is in the kitchen, why don’t you go and say hello?”
“Kay. I home, Phia,” Maddie screams as she runs down the hall.
“So, how did you go with her?” I ask, taking her small pink suitcase from him.
“Good. We had a great time.”
“I’m glad.”
“Her dirty clothes are in a plastic bag inside. I’d planned on washing them for you, but I didn’t get time. She can be a little full-on.”
I laugh. “They say terrible twos, but I swear three-year-olds are worse. She’s like the Energizer Bunny, she just keeps on keeping on.”
“Exactly.” He chuckles. “But she’s good value.”
“She is.”
“I loved having her, she’s—”
“Amazing,” I say, finishing his sentence.
“Yes.”
It’s good to see that we still have that uncanny knack of knowing what the other is going to say.
I place Maddie’s suitcase down at the bottom of the staircase before following Jax into the kitchen.
When he comes to an abrupt stop just inside the doorway, I hastily step to the side to avoid crashing into his back.
That’s when I see Sophia singing and dancing around the kitchen with Maddie in her arms. It reminds me of what I saw with her and Brendan.
She’s been floating ever since she returned from their date.
He sent flowers this morning, and this afternoon they talked on the phone for over two hours.
Jax turns his head slightly, making eye contact with me. “Has she been drinking?” he whispers.
“No. She’s on a Brendan high,” I reply, rolling my eyes. “I think she’s in love.”
“Oh.” I see his smile widen as he turns his attention back to them. “Being in love suits her.”
Being in love suited me too, until I messed everything up, and lost the other half of my soul.
Jax focuses most of his attention on Maddie during dinner.
I’m flooded with guilt for the inkling of jealousy I feel.
I was the one he used to shower his attention on.
It hurts to suddenly be on the outside looking in …
to know he’s only here for Maddie. I should be grateful he wants to keep things amicable for our daughter’s sake. I suppose things could be worse.
I wipe Maddie’s hands and face when she is done. “It’s time for you to go to bed.”
“Daddy read Caterpiwa.”
“Sure. If he wants to,” I say, looking at Jax. “Do you want to read to her before bed?”
“Of course.”