28. Candice #2
I stand in the doorway of Maddie’s bedroom and watch the two of them together. Jax is lying beside her on the bed, reading her favourite book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar .
Is it wrong that I use this time to pretend that this is my life?
That this is our house, and Jax is my husband?
That we’re a happy family? Because that is exactly what I’m doing.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wished for exactly this.
I used to hope that he’d somehow find out about the baby, and we’d be together.
Happy and in love, raising our child as a family.
In a way, I got my wish. We are raising her together now, but it’s nothing like I’d dreamed it would be.
After he tucks her in and we both kiss her goodnight, I follow him down the stairs. “I have something for you,” I say when we reach the landing. “I’ll just grab it.”
When I return, I pass him a large gift box. “I spent the weekend putting this together for you.”
“Really,” he says as he begins to remove the lid.
“Don’t open it now.” I put my hand on the box to stop him. “Wait until you get home.”
JAX
My eyes keep drifting to the box sitting on the passenger seat of my car.
I have no idea what’s inside, but it makes me feel uneasy for some reason.
I can see that Candice is remorseful about what’s happened, and she’s trying hard to make things right.
I need to remember that. Can you ever right a wrong, though?
That’s the million-dollar question. I’d like to say you could, but I have my doubts.
When I arrive home, the first thing that hits me is how quiet it is.
I miss my little girl already. Placing the box on the coffee table, I stare down at it as my fingers run through my hair.
I’m pretty certain there’s nothing bad inside, but the betrayal is still raw. Maybe I should have a beer first.
I twist the top off the beer bottle, tossing it into the trash as I leave the kitchen. Entering the lounge room again, my eyes immediately gravitate to the box. It’s just a damn box, why does it have me on edge?
I sit on the sofa and take another chug of my beer before placing it on the table.
I exhale loudly as I drag the box closer, and remove the lid.
The first things I see are a few Ziplock bags.
I pick up the one that contains a pair of tiny pink shoes.
Maddison’s first shoes is written on the front.
Opening the bag, I take the shoes out and lay them in the palm of my hand.
I’m grinning as I look down at them. They’re so small.
I feel a pang in my heart. My gaze flicks back to the box.
It’s full of things from Maddie’s short life.
Am I ready for this? I’m hurting already.
Placing the shoes back into the bag, I pick up the next one. Inside are a few blonde curls and the bag is labelled Maddison’s first haircut . When I pull out the hospital band from her birth, I slide it over my finger. It amazes me to think her wrist was not much thicker than that.
I find a small frame that has a plaster cast of her tiny hands and feet mounted inside. A knot forms in the back of my throat as my fingers skim over the surface. This must’ve been done shortly after her birth.
At the bottom of the box, I find two more things: an album and a DVD, which has Maddison written on the cover. I pop the disc inside the player on my entertainment unit. I grab the remote from beside the television and pick up my beer, settling back into the sofa.
I’m smiling the moment Maddie’s sweet face comes into the frame. She’s so small. Her hair is a lot shorter, and when she smiles I see she only has a few teeth in her mouth. “Sis-sis,” she says, holding her hands out in front of her and wiggling her small fingers.
“Oh, my God!” Sophia squeals. “Did you hear that? Her first word. Yes, Candice is your sissy, Maddie … Good girl.”
Maddie laughs and claps her little hands when Sophia praises her.
“I wish I didn’t have to be her sister,” I hear Candice say in the background.
“Oh, baby. I know how hard this has been for you,” Sophia says.
She must lower the video camera, because all I can see now is the sole of Maddie’s foot, her cute little toes, and part of the rug she’s sitting on.
“You may not think so, but you made the right decision. This way you get the best of both worlds: you get to spend time with your daughter, but by having me raise her, you can still live your life to the fullest. I don’t want you to miss being able to go out with your friends, to travel the world, and conquer all your dreams. Whatever your heart desires.
You can never get those years back. Trust me, I know. ”
My heart hurts as I listen to their conversation, and even more so when I hear Candice start to sob in the background. I have to take some of the responsibility for all this.
“Don’t cry, baby girl.”
“I don’t have any friends to go out with, and I hate that my birth ruined your life,” Candice sniffles.
“Oh, sweetie, don’t ever think that. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You and Maddie both. My career doesn’t even compare to the happiness I found after you were born. You’re my world … you both are.”
As the home video moves to another time in Maddie’s life, Candice’s words continue to play in my mind.
I’ve been so wrapped up in my own feelings of betrayal and loss, I haven’t thought about how hard this decision must’ve been for her.
It’s obvious she loves her daughter; giving up her parental rights and handing Maddison over to Sophia to raise wouldn’t have been easy.
I’m still angry at her for keeping this from me, but I regret acting so harshly towards her now. She has suffered as well.
Next time my resentment rears its ugly head, I need to remember that .
The video goes for over an hour, giving me snippets of Maddie’s early life.
As well as her first words, I got to see her take her first step, and her first and second birthday parties.
Well, they weren’t exactly parties, but Sophia and Candice went out of their way to make it special.
Candice was right when she said it wouldn’t make up for everything I’ve lost, but it has given me a piece of my daughter’s past that I thought I’d never get, so I’m thankful for that.
I grab another beer from the fridge before I pick up the album.
The first photo I see when I open it is Candice and her very pregnant stomach.
I smile as I run the tip of my finger over the image.
She looks breathtaking, especially because she’s carrying my child inside her.
That familiar feeling of being cheated creeps back to the surface.
I never got to run my hands over her stomach or feel the baby moving inside.
It’s after midnight by the time I finish flipping through the album and studying every photo at length. Unlike the home movie, this covers every phase of her life, from the day she was born until now.
After gently packing everything back into the box, I pull my phone out of my pocket. It’s late, and she’s probably already asleep, but I send the message anyway. I’m grateful she went to the trouble to do this for me.
Me: Thank you.
I’m startled when the phone dings a few seconds later.
Candice: You’re welcome. Hope it helps give you back a little of what you’ve lost.
Me: It was nice to see the special parts of her life that I’ve missed.
What else can I say? I’ll never get those moments back, but I do appreciate what Candice has done. It’s also helped me see a little of what she’s gone through as well.
Candice: I’m glad. I wish I could give you more, but that’s all I have.
I sit there and stare at my phone, unsure of how to reply.
We wouldn’t even be in this position if she had just told me from the beginning.
As much as I try, I can’t seem to let that fact go.
But she did a nice thing by putting all this together for me, and I don’t want to spoil it by being negative or angry.
A minute or so later, my phone dings again.
Candice: Night, Jax. x
I look down at the tattoo on my arm and read it, like I’ve done so many times.
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret .
It’s my constant reminder to pull my head in when needed.
We’ll never be what we were, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to be the best of who we are now.
For our daughter’s sake if nothing else.
Me: Goodnight, Candice.