Chapter 1 #4
Always with the fucking fears.
I hated being a coward.
“This is gonna work out, Sir.”
Please stop saying that.
I swallowed hard and did my best to put a lid on things. Because when push came to shove, Nate possibly being single didn’t mean a goddamn thing. He had literally told me that he hated lying to our kids about loving me.
“Thank you for lookin’ out for me, brat.” I turned my head and kissed his cheek, and I closed my eyes. “But you’re still a sneak.”
“Am not,” he whispered. “I know the sexual tension took a big hike, but was there anything else you wanted to discuss? Boundaries and stuff? Safety? James and I got tested a while back in case you’d wanna turn us into your sex toys and never, ever use condoms.”
I had to swallow again, and I needed him to stop. Mixing nausea with desire wasn’t my idea of a nice cocktail.
I cleared my throat and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Sweet boy, I spent twenty years with the love of my life, and you just told me he’s not seeing anyone anymore. I’m not sure I’m capable of discussing anything right now.”
“Gosh—Sir, I’m so sorry. Of course you’re not. I’ll slow down.” He cupped my face in his hands, and we locked eyes. His expression softened with empathy. “It’s scary to hope, I’d imagine.”
Understatement of the century—and I decided right then and there to protect myself. I had to. Not just myself, but him. Jordan, James, everyone who could be affected by my decisions.
“It’s too soon to hope,” I corrected, even though he was right in his guess too. “Even if he ended things with that guy, he has still moved on. More than that, he’s told me that he wants me to move on as well.”
Jordan pursed his lips, and he looked a little dubious.
“I’m not saying I won’t try to get to the bottom of things,” I added. “But I won’t factor him in either. Not in this situation. I’d just be setting myself up for the mother of all heartaches.”
He nodded slowly, maybe processing what I’d said. “So, um…maybe we’ll revisit the playtime idea once you figure things out?”
I took a deep breath and peered down between us.
As I rubbed his thighs, I let my gaze roam his body, and it split me in two.
For starters, every step I took on this path—with Jordan—would cement the validity of Nathan’s claim.
That I was desperate to explore my own core kink.
Which was obviously right. For every moment I spent with Jordan and James, my hunger grew.
But so did my guilt.
That faceless Little I’d had in the back of my mind, beckoning to me over the years, reminding me of desires I’d tried to suppress, not only had a face these days, but I’d lost the willpower to resist him.
I wanted to unleash every ounce of the Daddy Dom in me—and in order to do that, whenever it might happen, I had to acknowledge that Nate had been right all along.
That he knew me better than I knew myself.
Because being on the cusp of experiencing something with Jordan did indescribable things to me.
As if breathing became easier, as if each inhale had a shot of dopamine in it.
And that was one of several sources of guilt.
All the anger I’d used to lash out at Nathan when we’d argued.
The pity parties I’d thrown myself because he’d stood up for what was in our best interest. The arguments of his I’d twisted in order to justify my fury and redirect blame.
He’d never actually forced me to take any leaps. He’d begged me to take the smallest baby steps. And I’d given him shit the whole fucking way.
If Nathan had been selfish, he would’ve let things go. Instead, he’d waged war on my fears when I’d been too scared to do so.
I’d been honest with him too. I would’ve done the exact same thing if the roles had been reversed.
Because, fucking think about it. If my husband killed a dream and denied a part of himself to be with me, to maintain what we had, I would’ve felt like absolute dog shit.
That’s what it boiled down to in the end.
It didn’t fucking matter if Nate would’ve been happy, just like I’d sworn I would be; I still would’ve had that on my conscience.
I took a deep breath and realized I had to talk to him. No agenda, no attempt to change his mind or…whatever. I just had to let him know that I was fully aware of what I’d done. He deserved to hear it.
I made eye contact with Jordan again, and he quirked an easy, soft smile.
God, he was fucking precious. And I wanted him in my life.
“Tonight threw me for a loop,” I admitted. Plus, it’d been a long, long day. “The last thing I want is to make a decision when my head’s fucked. It would be unfair to you—to everyone involved.”
His smile turned a little rueful. “I understand.”
“But I want to,” I added. “I wanna anchor myself to a possibility of us exploring something.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my hands slowly up his arms. “So, for the sake of giving me something concrete to ponder, let’s not call them boundaries or limits.
Let’s call it your vision. Tell me what you—and James—would like.
What you dream about—and the part I would play.
” I could tell I was giving him too many doors to choose between, so I circled back to what he’d brought up earlier.
“Protection, for instance. I take it you’re not interested in using any. ”
That seemed to make things easier for him. “I mean, they’re sort of in the way when you get off on breeding and creampies.”
Well, fuck.
That sure was something concrete to ponder.
I cleared my throat, figuring it was best we moved on real quick. “Fair enough. What kind of dynamic have you and James talked about? What would it look like?”
He leaned forward and planted his elbow on my shoulder, and he rested his cheek in his hand. “I don’t really know. I guess we’ve figured we could set a date for playtime and stuffs. But also, like, if you need a blow job at work and James is nearby, be an opportunist.”
I coughed on a chuckle.
He smirked a little. “We like you, Sir. And we noticed that once we started picturing you in our wildest fantasies, previous years of conjuring restrictions and thinking about boundaries—it all sort of faded. Because it’s about trust in the end, right?
Like, before, we were saying that if we ever went down this road, playtime had to look a certain way in order to protect our relationship from conflict, misunderstandings, and potential jealousy. ”
Fuck me, did that sound familiar or what. Nate and I had gone down that road too.
He shrugged with one shoulder. “We don’t feel the need for that anymore, is all.
If we enter a dynamic with you, all kinds of play are on the table.
We’d obviously discuss things at great length, but James and I are solid.
I wouldn’t get hurt if you and he played on your own.
He wouldn’t get hurt if you and I played, and so on.
Because he and I still have our marriage. ”
Something greater that was only theirs.
I inhaled through my nose and let it out slowly.
“I wish I’d had your confidence before Nate and I separated,” I murmured. “I was always too scared to risk anything.”
He hummed. “We were like that too, but it changed when we met you. Once you can put a face to the fantasy, it’s way easier.
Our old fears faded. Like, I know I won’t have to worry about you running off with James.
And vice versa. Lastly, you have kids. Hoo boy.
God bless those little terrors or whatever, but we’re uncle material all the way. And we like having money.”
I had to laugh at the last part, ’cause fuck me running, did he have a point. Nothing drained your bank account like kids.
Not that I’d trade them for anything. James and Jordan wanted to see the world. Nate and I wanted to experience a corner of it with our four hellions.
“Nate and I used to talk about what our limits would look like the day we met a third.” I sighed. “We thought we knew exactly what it was gonna be like.”
We’d hammered out details for protection, that we had to be together every minute of the play, that Nate only bottomed for me, that we didn’t wanna spend the night with anyone…
It was na?ve in retrospect—and a bit silly—but maybe it was something some people just had to go through.
“Sadists never know,” Jordan yawned.
Nice try.
I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Time to make things even more personal.
“What about Daddies? Do they know?”
He sat up straighter in a flash, and his gorgeous blue eyes brimmed with hope.
“It depends. Most Daddies, not so much. But if you wanna be my Daddy, you know everything.”
Wow. Solid brat logic in action.
I kissed his nose. “I wanna be your Daddy. When I can fill those shoes. And those last words are important.”
“Oh gosh.” There it was, the smile that could light up a room. “Are you sure?”
“I’m 100% sure.” I pulled him a little closer to me on my lap, and my stomach tightened with anticipation.
This could actually be happening to me. I might get to live out all those dreams after all.
“But I’m also 100% sure I’ll need to take this slowly.
With a lot of discussion, a lot of negotiating, and a lot of testing the waters. ”
He nodded, and his beaming smile told me he was undeterred. “I have a ton of patience for that sort of stuff, as all brats do.”
I snorted in amusement. “You hide it damn well most of the time.”
“You, Sir, are wrong. But anyway.” He wriggled in excitement. “How slowly do you wanna start? Can we kiss? Can I call you Daddy? Can we—”
I planted a hand over his mouth and chuckled. His enthusiasm was as infectious as it was flattering, and it hit me how badly I needed that kind of energy in my life. He was a breath of fresh air in my misery.
The boy predictably licked my palm, and I shook my head and bumped my forehead to his.
“Sweetheart,” I whispered.
He nodded, and I withdrew my hand but remained close.
Savor the moment.
I exhaled.