Chapter 47
TRUTH POURING OUT ON PCH
NATALIE
As Jason and I drove away from our home, a sudden wave of panic crashed over me.
A slow suffocating tension spread through my chest and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.
My heart pounded so hard it felt like it might break free from my ribs, and the air around me felt thick, paralyzing.
My skin flushed, my hands trembled, and a chill ran down my spine.
“Jason,” I choked out, struggling to catch my breath. “I need you to pull over. I think I might be sick.”
Jason’s face shifted from mild concern to alarm. Without hesitation, he swerved to the shoulder of the Pacific Coast Highway and brought the car to a halt. As soon as the car stopped, I threw open the door and stumbled out onto the pavement, my stomach turning violently.
Before I could stop myself, I was vomiting, with waves of nausea overtaking me.
Jason was right behind me, his presence calm and steady. He didn’t say a word. He just reached out and gently held my hair back. His hand rested warm and firm behind my neck. He rubbed my back in slow circles, soothing me, as if that one gesture could fix everything.
When the nausea finally subsided, I leaned against the car.
My body still trembled. Tears streamed down my face, and I felt completely unraveled.
I wasn’t sick from the panic alone. I was sick from the weight of the lie I’d been carrying.
I’d done everything to avoid this moment.
I didn’t mean to drag Jason into my spiral, but here we were, and there was no turning back.
“I’m so sorry to ruin our weekend away,” I whispered through my tears, barely able to meet his eyes. “But I need to tell you the whole truth.”
Jason’s face softened. He didn’t speak right away.
He simply guided me gently back to the car.
We both got in, the silence pulsed between us like a warning.
The hum of the engine was the only sound, and it felt deafening.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
I owed him the truth. Not the carefully edited version I gave him before, the whole truth.
“I didn’t have a one-night stand,” I started, my voice shaky. “I had an affair. It was with Bebe’s friend’s dad.”
Jason’s jaw tightened. His grip on the steering wheel was firm. His silence was worse than yelling.
“The guy from the birthday party?” he asked finally. His voice was low but even.
I nodded, the words catching in my throat. “I should’ve told you the truth from the start. I don’t know why I didn’t… Maybe I thought I could brush it off, make it seem like less than it was. It wasn’t just a one-time mistake. It was…more.” The words hung between us like a live wire.
“I had feelings for him,” I admitted with my voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m willing to push those feelings aside if you really think we have a shot. But, Jason, I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not what you want anymore. That maybe this…all of this…isn’t enough.”
Jason’s face froze. His expression was a mix of shock, confusion, and something unreadable. He stared at me.
“I wish you’d told me sooner,” he said finally, his voice rough. “I think I would’ve still wanted to work things out if you had. But now…I don’t know. I don’t know if you really want to work things out. You wouldn’t be reacting like this, protecting the relationship, if you did.”
His words cut deep. The truth in them was undeniable. “I don’t know what I want, Jason. I don’t know if I even know who I am anymore.”
He sighed heavily, running a hand through his dark hair. “I’m going to ask you something, and I need you to be honest. Did you think about leaving me for him?”
I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already had, but I couldn’t lie.
“Yes,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I did think about it.”
Jason’s eyes darkened. A mixture of hurt and disbelief washed over him like a wave. “How did this even start?”
I closed my eyes, hating myself at that moment. “It started when he asked me to decorate his place. I didn’t mean for it to go this far, but somewhere along the way, I lost myself. And then…I started looking for something in you, Jason. Something I thought I might find.”
His voice was quieter now, but there was an edge of pain that hadn’t been there before. “Let me get this straight— your hobby was him?” he asked, the words sharp and biting.
I flinched. “It wasn’t like that. I don’t even know how it got so far, but it did.” I hesitated. “And then, I started looking to see if you had any secrets of your own. Turns out, you did, too.”
Jason’s shoulders stiffened. “I thought maybe we had a shot. I thought I was the asshole, but it turns out two wrongs don’t make a right.” His words were laced with finality.
The truth lodged deep, its weight mixing with the uncertainty of what came next.
Jason finally broke the silence. “I’m going to take you home,” he said, his voice flat. “I need to think. On my own.”
His words were like a knife, sharp and precise, cutting through what little hope I had left. I wanted to beg him to stay, to make everything okay again. Somehow I knew better. I couldn’t fix this, not with words. Not with anything.
He started the car, and we drove in silence. The distance between us grew with every mile.
As we neared home, I stared out the window, watching the ocean roll endlessly beside us. The water was calm, steady—everything I wasn’t. I wanted to reach for Jason; to tell him I still loved him, that I was sorry for everything, but the words felt hollow.
I thought about Bebe and James, about what they’d think if this was the end of us. Would they blame me? Would they feel it was their fault?
When we pulled into the driveway, Jason didn’t say a word. He parked, and I opened the door. The cool night air hit me like a slap.
“Jason,” I said softly, turning to him.
He didn’t look at me. His hands stayed on the wheel. His knuckles were white. “I’ll call you when I am ready to talk,” he said simply.
And with that, I stepped out of the car. The door closed behind me like the end of a chapter I wasn’t ready to finish.