Chapter 48
UNCHARTED WATERS
NATALIE
Iwatched Jason’s car drive off. The sound of the tires faded into the distance.
Tears streamed down my face as I stood in the driveway.
My chest heaved with the weight of everything that just happened.
My heart ached with a pain I couldn’t name.
Jason’s words, his silences, his anguish, it seethed like a storm inside me.
I couldn’t fall apart. Not now. I had to go inside and be strong for Bebe and James.
I wiped my tears and walked slowly to the door.
Each step was heavier than the last. The smell of cookies lingered faintly in the air as I entered, a comforting reminder of the way things were before everything unraveled.
The sound of laughter and music pulled me toward the living room, where Meredith was dancing with the kids. The bright, upbeat tune of “America’s Sweetheart” by Elle King filled the space. Their joy momentarily cut through the heaviness in my heart.
“Mommy!” James shouted when he saw me, running toward me with his arms wide open.
I scooped him up, holding him close. For a moment, his small arms around my neck felt like home, something solid in this mess I created. Meredith held out her hand with a warm smile. “It’s all going to be okay,” she said softly. Her voice was filled with a confidence I didn’t have.
I took her hand, letting her pull me into their dance.
Maybe moving, even if just for a moment, could shake off the sadness or at least help me forget.
We danced together, spinning around, laughing at James’s dramatic moves and Bebe’s twirls.
I let myself get lost in their world, balancing on the ottoman and twirling like we didn’t have a care in the world.
Later, when the kids were tired out, Meredith offered to put them to bed. I nodded gratefully, sinking onto the couch as the house grew quieter.
When Meredith returned, she disappeared into Jason’s office and came back holding a joint. “I think we need this,” she said with a mischievous grin.
I laughed softly, shaking my head. “You don’t have to twist my arm.”
We went out to the patio, wrapping ourselves in blankets against the cool night air. The moon was full, the sky washed in violet and soft grays, the way it only looks before summer. Meredith exhaled slowly, then passed the joint to me.
“So,” Meredith said, her tone softer now, “what happened?”
I hesitated, taking another drag before handing the joint back to her. The words felt heavy, tangled in my chest, but I needed to let them out. “I told him everything,” I said finally. “Not just about the affair, but who it was with. How it wasn’t just a one-night stand.”
Meredith’s face was unreadable, but her silence urged me to continue.
“I told him I had feelings for Will,” I admitted, my voice breaking. “And that I didn’t know if I wanted to fix things with him. With Jason, I mean.”
She nodded slowly, letting my words hang in the air before responding. “And how did he take it?”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Not well. He was calm, but you could see it, his hurt, his anger. He asked me if I ever thought about leaving him for Will.”
“And?”
“I told him I thought about it,” I whispered, the weight of my admission settling over me again.
Meredith reached for my hand. Her grip was firm. “You were honest. That’s something.”
“I don’t know if honesty makes a difference at this point,” I replied. “We’re so broken, Mer. I don’t know how we could ever come back from this.”
She didn’t argue or offer platitudes. Instead, she said, “You need to figure out what you want, Nat. Not what’s easiest, not what’s expected; what you really want.”
The next morning, Meredith and I decided to take the kids to the beach.
The sun was shining, the kind of bright, perfect day that felt like a gift.
As soon as we arrived, Bebe and James took off toward the water, their laughter ringing out like a melody.
I sat on the sand, watching them. The waves crashed rhythmically in the background.
“They’re so resilient,” Meredith said, sitting beside me. “Kids are amazing that way.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, my voice tinged with sadness. “I just hope they don’t grow up resenting us. Or me.”
“They won’t,” Meredith said firmly. “You’re a great mom, Nat. They know how much you love them.”
After the beach, we went home and had a quiet, relaxing afternoon. We set up an outdoor movie on the patio. The soft glow of the screen mixed with the fading light of the evening.
At one point, James turned to me and said, “I wish Daddy was here. He loves Coco.” His words pierced my heart, and a tear strolled down my cheek before I could stop it.
I forced a smile and nodded, but inside, I was unraveling. My stomach ached as my mind raced, caught between two unbearable thoughts: holding onto the hollow version of our family life for the sake of the kids or facing the unknown pain of letting go. Would this ache ever stop?
Later that night, after the kids were asleep and the silence had taken over, I let myself cry until there were no more tears left, and my exhaustion finally pulled me under.
When I woke up, I had a text from Jason, asking if he could pick me up for lunch. I showed Meredith the message, and she encouraged me to go.
“You need to talk,” she said. “Even if it’s hard.”
He arrived around 12:30, stepping inside briefly to hug the kids before we left. Bebe clung to his leg, her smile bright, and I felt a pang of guilt as I watched her.
We drove in silence to Malibu Farms. At the restaurant, we shared a light appetizer, sipping coffee as I told him about the beach and the kids’ antics. He smiled faintly, but his eyes were distant.
After he paid the bill, Jason suggested we go for a walk. I agreed, grateful for the fresh air.
We wandered toward the beach. The sand was cool beneath my feet as I slipped off my shoes. The ocean stretched out endlessly before us, and for a moment, it felt like we were the only two people in the world.
Jason broke the silence first. “I really don’t know where to go from here,” he said quietly.
“I don’t either,” I admitted. “But a big part of me thinks I need to be on my own. You don’t deserve what I did.”
He sighed, his expression softening. “We both stepped out of the lines, and I thought it justified things. It didn’t, but I want to be able to forgive you.”
I looked at him, my breath catching as tears filled my eyes. “Do you think you would be able to forgive me?” Jason continued with a whisper of hope and fear in his words.
“Even though things went farther for you, I still think we’re both at fault. Natalie, I can’t picture my life without you.”
His words found a part of me that I had been trying to numb. We both cried. The truth had settled between us like a storm cloud we couldn’t outrun.
Then he leaned down and kissed me, desperate, aching and familiar. I kissed him back, letting the years and memories blur around us. Even in the warmth of his mouth, I knew in my heart… I couldn’t keep pretending. I pulled back gently, my forehead resting against his.
“I think we need some time apart,” I said softly. “Real time. We need to figure things out.”
“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Jason whispered, pulling me close.
We stayed like that for a while, just holding each other. The silence between us was loud with everything we couldn’t say.
When we returned home, Jason asked if he could take the kids to dinner and bring them to school the next morning. He mentioned he still had the hotel room for a few more nights.
“Of course,” I said, nodding. “But I think we should tell them together. Let them finish the school year first. They only have a few more days.”
We told the kids about the fun surprise their dad had planned, framing it as an adventure. They were thrilled. Their excitement was a temporary balm for my aching heart.
As soon as they were out of earshot, I broke down. Meredith was there, as always, with wine, weed, and snacks. Her way of comforting me was unconventional, but it worked.
The next morning, I woke to a quiet house.
The silence was deafening. I went downstairs and sat on the couch, staring out the window as the sun climbed higher in the sky.
Would this be my new reality? A world without Jason, without the weight of pretending everything was okay.
But it was also terrifying. Yet, maybe, just maybe, it was also the beginning of something new.