41. Chapter Forty One Brannoc
Chapter Forty One: Brannoc
Making my way back to my room, my mind swirled with the conversation I’d just had with my aunt. That felt funny to say, even if it was only in my head. I’d gotten used to being alone. Never having to answer to anyone but myself with only one friend. He’d been the only constant in my life.
I thought I had been happy with my situation, satisfied with what I had and where my life was going. But looking back now, and if I was being brutally honest with myself, I could see that I was simply complacent. Just because I’d been comfortable didn’t necessarily mean I was happy. I’d simply just been going along because it was what I knew.
Now, my life was more hectic, chaotic in a way I had never even tried to conceive. I not only had Rhowyn and her consorts, her grandfather and father now in my home, but apparently, I now had a family. I was part of the enclave again, something I would never have thought possible. It was overwhelming and had me reeling, unsure of how to react to all the sudden changes in my life.
Opening the door to the darkened room, I knew instantly that Rhowyn had fallen asleep waiting on me. My conversation with my aunt had lasted longer than I had expected. Not needing to turn on the light, I crept into the room to get ready for sleep, changing into some loose linen pants. Eyeing the bed, I decided not to climb under the covers with Rhowyn. While we’d shared ourselves and now had a mate bond, we also weren’t on very good terms right now. Looking at her sleeping form, I moved to the single chair in the room, choosing to sleep there instead of pushing boundaries that I refused to overstep.
Slumping into the wooden and rickety chair, I attempted to get comfortable and knew instantly that sleep would not be feasible, not just because of the lack of cushion. My mind whirled with emotions and thoughts as I closed my eyes, trying anyways to catch whatever shut eye I could. How did one live with such racket in one’s brain? I knew some people preferred to live with such chaos, but this was all new to me. Despite being an assassin, a profession that many would assume would lend itself to chaos, I was ordered and methodical. Every action taken was in pursuit of a goal, thought out and logical. Emotion got you killed, so I had lived my life from a distance, making every decision based on facts and logic. After living this way for most of my life, I found it even more difficult to deal with all these feelings. How did people make decisions like this? Mine were pulling me back and forth, a rowboat in the middle of an ocean during a hurricane. It was hard to tell if I was coming or going.
Perhaps if I just stuck to the facts, I might be able to parse out what was reasonable and what wasn’t. Still not ready to face my emotions on Rhowyn, I could start with my aunt.
Growing up, I had hoped for family, a sense of belonging and community that I never had, even with Arryn and his father. While I considered Arryn a brother to me now, as a boy, I’d been envious of what he’d had with his family. They were supportive and involved, whereas mine had wanted nothing to do with me after my mother’s decision to leave the enclave. Or at least, that’s what I had thought. Come to find out, my aunt hadn’t known about my mother’s passing until I’d already made it a point to disappear. The less who knew about me, the better, at least for my profession. I believed her when she told me she had looked for me immediately.
She’d said she had been devastated to find out about my mother’s passing and guilty over the fact that she hadn’t been there for me. Logically, I could understand why things had to happen the way they did. Revna had to keep the enclave and our race strong after so many blows that had resulted in our near demise. Reason said that we needed to enact laws that ensured we could again prosper. Emotionally, however, I felt angry that despite my mother having already reproduced, she still wasn’t free to pursue love with another race. She had been forced to choose between her people and her love. And look where that decision had landed her. Maybe if she had been with her people, then she wouldn’t have been there to fall prey to the bandit who’d taken her life. As angry as I was with my aunt for forcing my mother to choose, I was just as furious with my mother. If she’d chosen differently, then she would still be here, and I would have grown up with my own kind.
But then, would I have met Rhowyn? Would I have found my True Mate or even have been considered worthy by Avalonia?
I could go round and round with all the what if’s that logically made no sense in pursuing. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t travel back in time and make things better. Even if I could, would I? If it meant that I wouldn’t be with Rhowyn or know what a mate bond was like, would I still change things?
Unable to resist, I opened my eyes to take her in. As my eyes scanned her sleeping form, I couldn’t get over how peaceful she looked. It was in such contrast to the force of nature that she was when awake. I smiled at the thought of how she could blow into a room and everyone would immediately take notice. Hell, she’d managed to tame five men, wrapping us around her finger without a thought. As forceful and proud as she was, she still humbled herself enough to admit when she was wrong. A feat that many who were considered to be more powerful could not manage. She was kind and giving, a protector through and through. A part of me felt that she didn’t win the trials by what she’d done in the assigned tasks but how she had reacted between them, with dignity and strength of spirit that few could claim to possess.
Hell, even I. I was especially lacking in that ability, but with her, I wanted to be better, do more. I wanted to see her succeed and cut down any who opposed her. For me, she was everything I’d ever wanted and didn’t know I needed. For once, my feelings were clear. Whatever it took, I would find a way to give her what she needed, even if that meant walking away.
My heart sank with that thought. I’d withheld our mate bond from her, not telling her what had happened. Of course, logically, I hadn’t had much time alone to tell her. But the small fraction of time we did have, I had chickened out, too afraid of her rejection. I’d guarded my heart for so long, maybe it was time to trust her with it. To lay everything out there for her and let the pieces fall where they may. Either way, we couldn’t continue this way.
Soft footsteps sounded out on the walkway, bringing me to full awareness. At some point during my musings, the sky had started to lighten, soft rays cascading across the room from the skylight. A shadow passed the window, and a soft knock sounded out on the door. Standing, I moved to open the door, checking to see if the disturbance had woken Rhowyn. I’d let her sleep as long as I could, instinct telling me that she’d need all the rest she could get for what was to come.
Opening the door just wide enough to allow me passage, I exited the room and forced Cyerra to back up or be run over. “Yes?” I asked her.
“Oh. I was just coming to let you both know that the council will be meeting in two hours to decide the outcome of your request. I thought Rhowyn might like some time to eat or get ready?” She twisted her hands nervously but stilled them upon my notice.
“Thank you,” I said, unsure how to broach the distance between my cousin and me. I knew she wanted more from me, but I didn’t know what that might be.
“Of course!” she said, shifting from foot to foot. After a tense moment of silence where it was clear she had something on her mind, she said, “Okay, well, I’ll let you two do as you will.”
She turned to go. “Wait.” I sighed, unsure if I was going to regret this or not. When she turned back to me, her eyes wide and hopeful, I continued. “You obviously came to say more. What is it?”
“Oh, well,” she stuttered out, taken aback slightly. Squaring her shoulders, she said, “I know Rhowyn and you will be heading back out soon. I was wondering if I could come, too?”
“And why would you want to do something like that?” I asked, suddenly suspicious. I couldn’t help what was in my nature, even if she was apparently family.
“Well, I’ve been wanting to travel for a while now, but Mother has always forbade it. I was hoping that if, maybe, I was traveling with family, that she’d be more open to the idea?” She posed this as a question even though it was more of a statement.
Unsure of how to let her down easy, I looked back at the door to the room, trying to think of how Rhowyn would handle the situation. “Look. I'm sure both of us would be more than happy to have you join us,” I started. The look of hopefulness on her face nearly broke my heart because I knew I was about to break hers. “That said, I don't think it's a good idea right about now. We've got to take care of some things which are extremely dangerous. Plus, we're literally on the run from the Queen, and anyone caught with us is putting their lives in peril.”
Unable to take the completely crestfallen look from my cousin, I rushed on. “I can talk to Rhowyn. Though, I think she might feel the same way. She doesn't like anyone risking their lives for her.”
“I can take care of myself.” She recovered from her disappointment to haggle with me as if we were negotiating the price of torthai from a cart.
“While I'm sure you are very capable...” I started, but she cut me off.
“Don't patronize me. As the intended successor of my mother, I've been highly trained in all forms of combat and diplomacy. I may seem young, but most of that is because I've been stuck here, locked away from the world. In order to be the best leader I can be for our people, I need to see the world!” She ended in an angry huff, crossing her arms and cocking out a hip.
The door opened behind me to reveal a rumpled Rhowyn, her hair sticking up in places. She was utterly adorable and caused me to lose my train of thought at just the sight of her. A look of irritation was on her face, though, and we both shut up quickly. “Brannoc, she's a grown adult. I'm sure she's much older than me, and yet she's treated as if she's still a child.”
“Youngling,” I corrected under my breath. A glare from her had me clamping my lips shut.
Turning to Cyerra, Rhowyn asked, “You are aware that if you come with us, we can't be focused on keeping you out of trouble or ensuring your safety? Because what we're about to do next is going to be extremely dangerous. Like life ending consequences if we aren't successful.”
My cousin nodded. “I know. And I believe in your cause, which is why I feel the need to join you. Let me help however I can.”
“Okay. I won't take you without your mother's permission. The last thing I need is to have another leader after me because I stole her daughter.” When she went to protest, Rhowyn held up a hand. “I realize you're an adult and are capable, but you can't just run out on your family and responsibilities. Trust me. This is something I know enough about, though, I was the one run out on.”
“If I convince her, can I come?” Cyerra asked hopefully.
Rhowyn sighed, running a hand down her face, a habit she seemed to have picked up from Arryn. “Against my better judgment, I don't see why you can't come along. You know the risks. It's your call to make at the end of the day.”
Cyerra's face lit with a look of excitement and determination. “You won't regret this. I promise.” She turned to leave, calling over her shoulder. “I'll be back in a bit to get you for the hearing.”
She sprinted off down the wooden walkways, most likely on her way straight to the Chieftain. I could only hope that this wouldn't affect the outcome of this meeting. Surely my aunt wouldn't hold a grudge for not dissuading Cyerra from this crazy idea of hers. Right?