This Is What It Feels Like

Chapter 15

15

T he next three weeks passed in a blur of sleepovers at my place with Remi, pool parties with our friends at Liam’s, taking all of my final tests at school, fitting sessions for our graduation gowns, welcoming new puppies at work, and, of course, lots of hot and heavy sessions with Remi although we still hadn’t gotten quite past second base.

The morning of our graduation ceremony, I woke up bleary-eyed. I had set my alarm to ring early because I wanted to get up and spend extra time on my hair and makeup before we had to report to school. Yet I had woken up before my alarm rang, and it didn’t take long for me to figure out why. I felt the ache in my uterus telling me that little Aunt Flo had decided to show up a day early. Because, of course, she would. Unfortunately, my period always showed up with a vengeance, and it could get really messy if I didn’t catch it in time. The problem here was that I was laying with my head on Remi’s chest, one leg laying over his, my crotch smack up on his thigh.

“Remi.” I shook him gently, yet he still woke up abruptly.

“What’s wrong? You okay?”

“I think I made a mess on you,” I told him. “And I’m really sorry. She’s early, and she’s mad.” I winced as another cramp shot up from my butt. I could never figure out why I felt my cramps in my ass, but I did.

“What mess? Who’s early? What’s happening?”

He was so confused that I laughed and then grimaced again as pain shot down my legs. The pain was only bad on days one and two. I found days three and four to be much easier, and then it was done.

“My period. I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding, and I think I got it all over you,” I told him, really hoping I was wrong.

“Ooooh.” Awareness dawned on him, and he gingerly lifted up the blanket. Sure enough, I had smeared period blood all over his leg, and my underwear looked like it had gotten into a fight and had lost. Fortunately, I had not gotten any blood on my bed sheets because I had no time to run a load of laundry before going to school.

“Oh my God.” I leaned back and covered my face. “I’m so sorry.” I was feeling mortified.

“Heyyy.” He peeled back my hands. “That’s okay, baby. It’s just a little normal life, isn’t it? Let’s go shower, and then I’ll get you whatever you need.”

“Okay.” I hated sounding so vulnerable and whiny, but it was exactly how I felt. One second, I was lying on my back in bed, and the next second, Remi had me up in his arms, kissing my face as he walked us to the bathroom. He turned the shower on, grabbed two towels and hung them over the towel rack, peeled my dirty underwear off my legs, and threw them in the sink. Then he got us into the shower and proceeded to clean all the blood off of us, shave my body, and wash my hair. I stood in the spray of water, feeling it beating on my back, my boyfriend’s hands in my hair, and I felt all the stress leave my body. It was as if my muscles were acknowledging how nice it was not to be alone. To have a person to help me face the world. After Remi finished rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, he proceeded to wash his own hair. Knowing we were running against the clock, I shut off the water and shivered against the cool air as Remi opened the shower curtain and wrapped me up in a big towel.

“What do you need?” he asked me, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Underwear,” I told him.

“Okay, wait here.” He left the bathroom and was back a minute later with options—a thong, boy shorts, and hipsters. I took the thong because I didn’t want to have underwear lines in my dress.

“Turn around so I can put in my tampon,” I told him, peeling open the wrapper.

“Turn around?” He looked offended. “Baby, I’ve put my fingers in there!”

“Yeah, but this is gross!” I argued.

“It is not. It’s normal,” he argued back, but he turned around and gave me privacy while I shoved the super-sized tampon into me because I didn’t want to risk any leakage happening today. I took some Motrin for the pain and then got to work on my makeup and hair. My dress was white, and I planned on swapping out to a brand new tampon right before I walked at graduation to guarantee I wouldn’t have any more bloody mishaps today. The dress was flared, short, and had an off-the-shoulder look, so as I finished my makeup, I applied some bronzed glow to my exposed collarbone and shoulders. I snapped a couple of selfies to send to Lia, who told me I looked “hawt.” Finally feeling ready, I left my room to find Remi waiting for me in the living room in his suit, freshly shaven and hair perfectly styled.

“Oh, give me a little spin, gorgeous,” he said when he saw me. I obliged him and spun around, my hair flowing around me. When I turned back around, I saw that he had his phone out.

“Did you record that?”

“Hell yeah, I did. You look perfect,” he told me as he followed me into the kitchen to make some brunch before we had to leave. We then ate at my coffee table as we watched an episode of Yellowstone . When it was finally time to go, Remi grabbed his key fob to drive us to school for the last time. Last week, a delivery service had driven up a BMW X5 SUV to Liam’s house. It came with a card from Miley saying it was a graduation present. We figured it was more of a bribe to start talking to his parents again, but other than sending her a thank you text, Remi had not said anything else to both of them since the funeral three weeks ago.

“Let’s go graduate.” He gave me a grin as he opened the front door. I picked up my bag in which I had packed an outfit for the after-party, tons of tampons, more Motrin, some presents that I had gotten for Remi, my charger, makeup, and a curling iron.

“Are you moving out?” he joked. Remi always made fun of how much stuff I needed to take with me when we went anywhere.

“I’m currently bleeding out of my vagina,” I reminded him, calling period privilege. He shut right up.

I couldn’t believe the day had finally come. Remi and I had been talking about what life would look like now that high school was over. My new schedule at the rescue was ten to four on Saturdays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I had also started a new gig because Julia, after seeing the rescue’s social media, had asked me to be her social media manager for her two aesthetics spas. I planned on going in on Mondays to film content for the week and would then work on creating that content on Wednesdays and Fridays. I was really excited about that, and it felt so “adult” to have a full work schedule. I also wanted to get my new car ASAP, and we both agreed that Remi would help me find the right one because he knew so much about cars and because I said I now had BBP, big boyfriend privilege. He liked hearing that and had flexed his arms, showing me how big my boyfriend privilege really was. We also talked about finding our own place to live. I had tossed up the idea of him moving in with me since he slept over every night anyway. My mom was really barely there, and that way, it would give us time to save up more money so our options for apartments could be better. He hadn’t said much about that, so it was still up in the air. For the summer, Remi had gotten himself a server job in an upscale steakhouse for Friday and Saturday nights, and he was also going to be a lifeguard at the local public pool three days a week together with Liam. He told me that Dermont had been trying to convince him to record some music, and Sam had been asking him if medical school might be a possibility. Remi had admitted to me that he felt really stressed out because, on the one hand, he wanted to make them proud, but he also wanted to follow his own dreams of going to trade school to learn how to work on cars. He ultimately wanted to rebuild antique cars and sell them. He seemed so excited when he told me about an antique that he had been eyeing and all of the things that he would do to get it running again. I told him that I would support him in whatever he chose. He kissed me then and said, “I really like you, Shaen Collins.”

It was his way of sneaking in an “I love you” without actually saying it. I was on to him.

“Do you need to change the plug?” I heard Remi ask, and I realized I had gotten lost in my thoughts on the drive over. We were parking in the parking lot at school as the graduation ceremony would be held in the auditorium.

“The plug?”

“Yeah.” Remi motioned to my crotch. “The plug for the blood…” His voice trailed off as I cracked up.

“It’s called a tampon, Remi, and I’ve got a few good hours left before the dam breaks.”

“I know it’s called a tampon.” He looked like a kicked puppy now. “I just wasn’t sure…”

“I know.” I patted his arm. “And I love that you want to help me. Remind me to change the plug like a half hour before the ceremony starts, and we’ll be good to go.”

Remi nodded and set an alarm on his phone, looking very serious about it. I had to hold myself back from laughing again because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He didn’t realize that I had been managing not to bleed out since I was fourteen. I snorted at my own joke.

“I’ve never seen Lia having to deal with this period stuff,” Remi said as he grabbed both of our bags, and I took our caps and gowns.

“That’s because she takes the pill, so she just keeps skipping the period week and goes months without getting it,” I explained.

“And you don’t skip that week?” he asked.

“I don’t take the pill at all,” I told him as we walked into school.

“Will you start once we…?” His cheeks flushed, and I thought how adorable it was that my strong, sexy man had gotten a little flustered at the idea of us having sex.

“No. I don’t believe in messing with my hormones. I personally think the pill is very toxic.” It was something I felt very strongly about, and up until now, it hadn’t been a big deal due to my no semen near me rule.

“How will we prevent a baby?” Remi seemed very concerned about that.

“Well…” We had gotten close to the auditorium, so I kept my voice low. “I can only get pregnant when I’m fertile, and that’s only like seven days out of every month. I already track ovulation, and we will either avoid those days or use a condom with a natural spermicide.”

He was taking in what I was saying with wide eyes, and it really annoyed me that our education system didn’t talk about this properly because not only was he ignorant on the topic, but so were many of my girlfriends.

“I want to help you track,” he offered suddenly. I wasn’t sure I had heard him right.

“You what?”

“I want to help you track your cycles. I feel like if we’re gonna be involved, I should be… involved.” He looked so serious that I threw myself into his arms and kissed him all over his face.

“That is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me.”

He looked very pleased with himself, then he whispered, “If I squeeze you too hard, will a bunch of blood come out?”

I laughed so loud that people standing in the hallway looked over at us. He set me back down gently and helped me put my bag away.

“I’m not a squishy toy,” I said in between laughter. “You can’t squeeze it out of me.”

“Okay, simmer down, woman, I’m just learning. I’ve never been around girls who talked about this before, and it’s never mattered to me until now.” He was laughing at himself at this point.

“I like you, Remi Taylor,” I told him, and with that, the principal called us in for one last prep talk before graduation officially started.

The ceremony was long, but overall, it went well. After all of the speeches, we got called up to get our diplomas. Many of the students had a lot of people cheering in the audience when their name was called. When I walked the stage, my friends, Liam’s family, and Remi made a lot of noise, but it was still achingly obvious that I only had one real family member representing me. My mom had actually shown up, which honestly had surprised me. When Remi got his diploma, he also received some sort of award for his efforts with football, and that had the entire football team hooting and hollering his name, making Remi flush. ?Later on, we returned our caps and gowns, and everyone’s families were hanging around as the graduation wrapped up. Remi had been cordial to my mom, but later, as she and I talked nearby when Remi was chatting with his extended family, I could feel him hovering protectively, which I thought was sweet. Shortly after, she left to go back to work, so she never had a chance to see Remi’s parents, which made me breathe a sigh of relief because it was way too stressful for me to think about them meeting. When we did eventually cross paths, I completely ignored the pastor, even when I heard him try to say something to me. Remi’s mother said congratulations, to which I smiled and replied with a simple, “Thank you.” Once it was all finally officially over and the families had all left, my friend group and I gathered in the girls’ bathroom to get changed. We were going to the after-party on a party bus that would take us to a barn that had been renovated and turned into an event space. The whole grade had chipped in to rent it. The vibe was “country gone wild,” so I had opted for a pair of high-waisted, booty-hugging jean shorts, a black tube top, a plaid shirt that I tied up to show off my belly, and a pair of authentic cowboy boots that had been an amazing thrift store find. Then, I gathered my long, thick hair into two braids. After touching up my makeup and stuffing everything into my Mary Poppins bag, as Rachel had started calling it, we left the bathroom in search of the boys. We found Carter, Liam, and Remi waiting for us outside the party bus. Jake would be meeting us there since he had already graduated last year.

“Damn, baby.” Remi pulled me up against him and laid a kiss on my lips. “I’m not gonna be able to step away from you all night.”

“Afraid someone will steal me?” I joked.

“No, but I am afraid they’ll try.” He tugged on one of my braids and then spun me to take a look at my ass.

“Goddd,” he moaned, shoving his fist between his teeth in a dramatic show of despair. “It’s gonna be a long night.”

We found seats on the bus, and immediately, Dee started mixing drinks. Everyone, including Carter, planned on drinking tonight. The party was really just for seniors, but since Carter was dating Eva and was on the football team, the people in charge had made an exception and let him on the bus. By the time the bus pulled up to the barn, the energy was already lit, the music was pumping really loudly, and Remi and I were both quite a few shots in. The farm-turned-party area had tons of security features, including a room with lockers where we chose to store our stuff. Then we went into the main room, where we were met by a DJ, a smoke machine, a full, writhing dance floor, and more alcohol.

“We’re fucking free, baby!” Liam was shouting. Lia was tossing back Jell-O shots. The lights were flashing, and the air was warm and thick with exhilarated energy. The dance floor felt electric, and I quickly found my way there, fueled by hormones, excitement, and vodka. I was dancing with Lia, Rachel, and Dee as the boys had gone to the buffet to get us food when a guy came over and began to dance behind me. I recognized him from the football team, but I couldn’t remember his name. I tried to dance away politely, but he got up close in my personal space and shouted, “You look really fucking hot tonight.”

“Th-thanks.” I was trying not to be rude, but I was also obviously not interested.

“Do you want to dance?” he asked, leaning near my ear so I could hear him over the deafening music. I shook my head. “No thanks, I have a boyfriend.”

The guy looked confused. “A boyfriend? Who?”

“Me.”

I felt Remi before I saw him or heard him. The football player, whose name I still could not remember, turned and paled when he saw Remi. Remi wasn’t violent, he wasn’t scary, and he wasn’t known for intimidating other guys, but he was still very much respected by the team, and everyone on it knew that it wasn’t a good idea to encroach on Taylor’s girl.

“Good taste, Taylor. I didn’t know, sorry.” The guy quickly ran off.

“See, I told you I can’t take my eyes off you,” Remi complained half-jokingly. He pulled me closer, placed his hands on my hips, and we began to bump and grind to the music. I had obviously never had sex before, but our dancing felt like foreplay to sex. We were moving so seductively, our hands gliding along each other’s bodies, sweat beading up on our hairlines, our movements so in sync that it felt magical.

“I’m so hard for you,” Remi leaned down to whisper to me.

“Well I’m soaked for you,” I whispered back. I could hear him moan, and his tongue licked his way up my ear, and then he nibbled on my earlobe.

“You cannot say that to me in public,” he declared. “I am in pain now.” He reached down to readjust himself in his pants while I laughed. He spun me around, so now my back was to his chest, and we kept dancing. After about another hour of that, Eva came back with more drinks and suggested that we go sit outside and play Never Have I Ever .

All of our friends, plus more of our graduating class, were sitting around a fire pit. Everyone was in various stages, from tipsy to drunk to almost fully inebriated. I took one of the drinks Eva was holding out. It was a beige-colored drink in a whiskey glass.

“It’s called an orgasm,” she shouted over the music.

“I like those,” I told her, sipping the drink and finding it to be sweet, smooth, and absolutely delicious. “I’ll take three more of these orgasms,” I announced as I sat down on a cushion that Remi had taken off of a chair and brought over for us to sit on.

“I’ll give you some later.” Remi thought he was whispering, but all of our friends heard him and burst out laughing.

“Shut up.” Remi sounded good-natured about it and was clearly amused that the drunk version of him could no longer whisper.

“Okay,” Rachel announced. “Everyone needs a drink. And we will go around in a circle, and you have to say, ‘Never have I ever,’ and then you say something. If you did it, you drink. If you didn’t do it, you don’t drink.”

Someone passed me another orgasm drink so I could play.

“We know how to play,” Dee laughed. Rachel took games very seriously.

“I’m just explaining for those who are too drunk to remember.” Rachel held up her beer, and then she sat down next to Carter.

“I’ll go first,” Lia announced. “Never have I ever graduated tonight!”

The whole crowd whooped, gave each other a high five, and, of course, everyone drank. Liam was next to her, so it was his turn, and I knew he was going to jump right into something crazy that would set the tone for the rest of the game.

“Never have I ever come in public.” He smirked at Lia, who took a nice chug of her drink. A handful of the other players did too, and Remi nudged me.

“Don’t get any ideas,” I hissed. He chuckled.

As we played, a lot of the statements started out harmless, like, “Never have I ever had a crush on Mr. Evans,” who was the gym teacher, or “Never have I ever fake cried to a teacher to try to pass a class.” Yet the drunker we got, the more raunchy everyone became. People began saying things like “Never have I ever given head in the boys’ locker room,” or “Never have I ever had sex on school property.” If anyone noticed how few statements Remi and I were able to drink to, they didn’t say anything.

“Looks like we have a lot of catching up to do,” Remi winked at me.

“I’m sorry, but some of these things I am never gonna do,” I told him half joking.

“You mean you don’t want to break into Mullins’s backyard and skinny dip?” Mr. Mullins was our principal. Well, he had been before we graduated. It felt surreal to me that I had finally accomplished the first two things on my list. Graduate and do it as a virgin. I was so proud of myself, especially since I had done it alone without a proper family supporting me.

We continued to play the game for another half hour, and then the group dissipated to go play darts, which did not feel very safe to me being that everyone was pretty drunk at this point.

“I have to change my tampon,” I announced to Remi and struggled to get up. He stood first, then I grabbed his hand, and he pulled me up.

“I’ll come with you.”

I shook my head. “You do not need to babysit me in the bathroom,” I joked.

“Yes, I do. The last time we were at a party…” His voice trailed off, and I saw a flash of something on his face that almost looked like regret. I knew I was never going to win, and to be honest, I appreciated how protective he was of me.

“Okay.” I took his hand. He smiled, and we told our friends that we would be right back.

In the bathroom, I didn’t know if I was just too drunk or if wearing a thong had somehow pushed the string up into me, but I found that the string of my tampon had gotten really wedged up in there. Between the alcohol, my extra long nails that I had gotten done the day before, and the slippery situation of my vagina, I was really struggling to grab the tampon to pull it out. Ten minutes had gone by when I heard Remi say, “You okay in there?”

I wanted to cry with embarrassment and frustration. I washed my hands, pulled my shorts back up, and cracked open the bathroom door. Remi stood there looking edible, hot, and concerned.

“I can’t get it out.” My eyes welled up with tears, and my drunken brain didn’t try to suck them back in like I usually did.

“What do you mean? Doesn’t it have like a little tail?” Remi looked so confused.

“Yes.” I sniffed. “But the tail got stuck up inside me, and my nails are too long for me to grab it.”

“Okay, so I’ll do it.” Remi made a move to come into the bathroom with me, and I tried to push him back out.

“No way.”

“Why not?” He almost looked hurt.

“Babe!” I hissed. “You cannot be serious.”

“Do you need it out?”

I nodded.

“And you can’t get it out on your own?” he confirmed. I nodded again. “Then what other option do we have?”

“It’s just so gross. You’ll never think I’m sexy ever again.” The alcohol and how nice he always was to me was making me feel so emotional.

“Baby.” He took my chin in his hands and tilted my face up to look at him. “Nothing could stop me from thinking you’re sexy. This has nothing to do with that. I just want to help you.”

I was finally convinced to open the door to the bathroom and let him in, feeling incredulous that this was about to happen.

“We never speak of this to anyone.” I was very adamant about the need to keep this horrifying moment a secret.

“Promise.” He nodded, grinning at me.

“I’m glad you find this so funny,” I grumbled, taking off my shorts and my underwear. He slapped my ass gently and said, “I just want you to realize that I would do anything for you. That is how much I adore you.”

I looked up at him.

“You say the sweetest things for someone about to dive into my bloody vagina.” I was kidding around, but the truth was that I felt so whole being with him. Just hearing him verbalize how he felt about me was so healing for me and my mess of emotions. I lifted one foot up onto the toilet, and Remi got down on his knees to see better.

“This is not how I imagined it would be going the first time,” I murmured.

“What would be?” Remi had his phone out and was shining a flashlight up at me.

“You on your knees down there,” I told him. His eyes moved to my face so quickly that it cracked me up.

“Have you been thinking about that…?” He looked so hopeful and excited. I nodded, suddenly feeling shy.

“We’re just a few days from our one-month anniversary,” I told him. “And obviously not while I’m gushing, but when I’m done, I think I’m ready. If you are?”

“I’m so hard I’m gonna poke a hole into this floor,” Remi told me as his answer. I giggled, then stopped as I felt his finger fish around inside of me. A minute later, I felt him tug, and out came my very full and very bloody tampon.

“Oh yay, you did it!” I grabbed some toilet paper and quickly relieved him from having to hold the offending tampon. “Thank you. I’m so sorry,” I babbled as I took another one out of my bag. Remi was washing his hands when he said, “No worries, pixie.” And he planted a kiss on my mouth. He tasted tart from the alcohol and sweet from his very own flavor. He watched me through hooded eyes while I inserted my fresh tampon.

“This is gonna sound weird, but I’m so turned on right now.” He laughed, sounding embarrassed.

“Do you have a blood kink?” I teased. He waited while I washed my hands, then took my bag and opened the bathroom door.

“Not a blood kink, weirdo.” He rolled his eyes. “No, seriously, I get turned on by how comfortable we feel with each other…” His voice trailed off. “I don’t know if I can explain it correctly.”

“No, I get it.” I felt even more emotion for him well up inside of me. “You mean there is something special about us feeling safe with each other.”

“Yessss.” He seemed relieved that I understood what he was saying.

“I like it too. I feel very safe with you.”

He was putting my bag back into the locker I had chosen for the night, and he turned around to pick me up, as my legs went around his waist.

“I like you so much, Shaen Collins, and I am so excited to spend this summer and then life with you,” he said before kissing the fuck out of me.

“You’re gonna keep me?” I smiled prettily when we came up for air.

“I’m gonna keep you,” he confirmed.

We ended up stopping by the buffet and then proceeded to eat our weight in guacamole with chips and burritos, followed by another round of drinks. It was now 3 a.m., and the party was still going strong. After we finished eating, we found ourselves back on the dance floor with all of our friends. I was so drunk at this point, and I kept randomly crying about how much I was going to miss my friends next year. Eva, who uncharacteristically was slurring, kept asking Remi to keep an eye on Carter because she was going to be out of town for college. Their goal was to stay together while he finished school, and then he would join her when he graduated. Lia and Liam waltzed by and made us all laugh when suddenly Lia shouted, “Holy shit!” as she pointed at something. We all turned to look and found Rachel and Jake making out a few feet from us.

“About fucking time,” Dee cackled. “That boy has had a hard-on for Rachel for years.”

Carter let out a whistle, and Rachel looked over at us.

“Stopppp.” She grabbed Jake’s hand, and they went deeper into the crowd so we could no longer stare and cheer them on. Liam was handing out shots, and I had a feeling that I was at my limit, so I said no, but Remi took his shot and then kissed me, and probably half the shot ended up in my mouth.

“You guys are so hot together it’s stupid,” Lia shouted at us.

“You really are,” Eve confirmed. “Holy shit.”

I got embarrassed, but Remi hugged me, moving us to the music. We got swept into the dancing current, and I let the beat take me. We danced and made out and made out and danced till we were sweaty with dopamine pumping through our veins. I felt high on how tired and happy I was at the same time. Next thing I knew, Lia had gotten up on a table and was dancing on it. The strobe lights kept moving across her face, making her look sparkly. She pulled me up with her, and we jumped up and down on it together, hugging and dancing at the same time. A guy standing near the table handed a blue-colored shot up to me. I tossed it back and mouthed a thank you to him. He smiled and took the glass back. As the DJ switched to a new song, I looked over and saw a girl I didn’t recognize dancing up near Remi. At first, he didn’t notice because he was talking to Liam, but then she grabbed onto his arm, and I could see her shouting something over the music. He shook his head and tried to take her hand off his arm. But she just held tighter, and then her other hand landed in the middle of his chest.

“Oh fuck no,” I exclaimed and immediately sat down on the table to make climbing off of it easier. My head was beginning to pound, and the lights were getting so bright. Was the music suddenly louder? I wondered. Lia jumped down with me, and together we ran toward Remi. I could see him trying to disentangle himself from this girl who had latched herself onto him, but she seemed to have three hands and kept finding him again. Liam was no help because he was just standing there laughing. As I got closer, I heard Remi say, “Please stop touching me.”

At this point, I was so livid that I could feel the adrenaline pumping through me, and my hands and lips were tingling.

“Take your hands off of him.” I got up in the girl’s space and tried to stay calm, but I also wanted to sound like I meant it. She looked at me and laughed. “He wants me,” she slurred. “Back off, little girl.”

I pushed her.

“No, you back off. When someone tells you not to touch them, Don’t. Touch. Them.,” I enunciated. She stumbled in her stupidly tall heels.

“It doesn’t feel like he doesn’t want me to touch him.” She tried to fondle him below the belt, but I grabbed her arm before she could, and I squeezed hard.

“I have never hit someone before. But fuck me, you might have to be the first one.” I couldn’t get up in her face because even in my boots, I was only five-four, and she was probably pushing five-seven, but I certainly tried my best.

“Pixie.” I heard Remi from behind me. I turned to look at him, and I felt the girl pull on my braids. Hard.

“Hey!” Remi grabbed me as my head pulled back with the force of her grip, and he stepped in front of me. “Get the fuck out of here.” His tone had turned intimidating.

“Seriously, I don’t even recognize you, bitch. Leave the party!” Finally, Liam was pissed. I swiped a glass from a nearby table that either contained water or vodka and popped out from behind Remi, tossing it in her face.

“What the fuck?” she screamed, liquid dripping off her chin, and she finally stalked off.

“Let’s take a breather.” Remi had his hands on my shoulders and was looking at me. Everything was starting to blur. I was so tired and had mixed so much alcohol, and now, with coming down from the adrenaline, I was beginning to feel nauseous, and my heart was pounding. I nodded, and he led me outside, where the night air had grown crisp and felt so good on my overheated body. Remi took me to the edge of the grass where we found a porch swing. He sat me down and then sat next to me.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. I’ve never acted like that before.” I had to close my eyes because the world was beginning to spin, and I was seeing two of him. Fuck, why did I drink so much?

“Like what?” he asked and began to massage my back. I felt the tension begin to leave my body.

“I dunno, like a territorial girlfriend.”

He was quiet for a minute, and then I heard him admit, “I liked it. It made me feel like I matter to you.”

I turned myself around and cracked my eyes open.

“You do matter to me. So much,” I told him. I paused. “Remi?”

“Yes, babe?” He sounded sweet.

“I’m gonna throw up,” I announced.

And I did.

This is what feeling like shit feels like.