Chapter 17
17
O ver the next two weeks, I got into a rhythm of my new work schedule. I was having so much fun hanging out with the dogs more often, and I was absolutely loving my new role as Julia’s social media manager. As much as I was enjoying my new schedule and was obviously benefiting from the bigger paychecks too, I also missed seeing Remi every day like I used to in school. He was working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday as a lifeguard, and he was a server on Friday and Saturday nights. I didn’t work at the shelter on Wednesdays, so I would take my content work with me so I could hang out at the pool. Remi told me I was a distraction, but I knew he loved it. I was developing a beautiful tan, and I kept finding skimpier and skimpier bathing suits at the thrift store that I knew were driving him insane. We hung out every Sunday and Friday until he had to work, and then on Saturdays, I worked during the day, and he worked at night, so we didn’t see each other from Friday afternoon until Sunday when he finished at the gym. Remi said he was worried that he was going to lose muscle now that he wasn’t playing football, so he had been doubling down at the gym on the days that he could go. Not seeing him all the time made me feel needy, which my feelingless self hated, and my girlfriend self embraced. I had also not drunk any alcohol since the incident at the graduation party, and we hadn’t heard anything more about what had happened with the driver, but Remi was still not talking to his parents. My phone buzzed, shaking me out of my thoughts, and I saw it was the chat that we had made for Remi’s birthday party, which was tonight.
LIAM
what do we think of strippers?
CARTER
like in general or for the party?
LIAM
both
EVA
Liam no!
DEE
lesbian strippers?
EVA
Dee no!
LIA
I’ll be the stripper
SHAEN
ya, no
LIAM
spoil sport
RACHEL
I picked up the cake just now I’m coming over to drop it off Liam.
LIAM
I’m here
CARTER
I’m a fan of strippers and cake
EVA
*middle finger emoji*
LIAM
ok so my parents are going out with Remi at 4 to “discuss what he’ll be doing after the summer is over” which he’s gonna LOVE Lol. So be here by 4:15 so we can set up. Then around 5:15 Shaen is gonna pretend to be mad at Remi and that will set the plan in motion for him to come back here all worried and we’ll be here with balloons and strippers
EVA
no strippers
SHAEN
What am I mad at him about?
CARTER
he came in you without permission
DEE
say you’re mad that you didn’t hang out all day
SHAEN
that works
LIA
Perfect
I rolled out of bed to go shower when a voice note came in from Remi.
REMI
Babe, I’m so sorry but after the gym my aunt and uncle are making me go out with them to talk about what I’m doing after the summer. I tried to tell them that it’s my birthday, but Sam said his surgical schedule is very busy and this is the only time they can meet so I’ll see you tonight? I’m so sorry. Don’t be mad.
I giggled as he unknowingly walked himself right into his surprise.
SHAEN
*thumbs up emoji*
REMI
I knew you’d be mad. Babe I said I’m sorry!
SHAEN
happy bday *heart emoji*
I hated hurting his feelings and acting so bitchy, but my friends were convinced that it would make his surprise so much better, so I stuck to it.
REMI
Shaen it’s not my fault. They were really insistent and I can’t tell them no when they do so much for me.
SHAEN
k
When I got out of the shower, I saw I had three missed calls from Remi.
SHAEN
sorry was showering. See you later
He didn’t answer. We had never fought before, and on my end, this was all fake so he wouldn’t guess we were having a party. But it was starting to feel like he was actually mad at me now, which was never part of the plan. I tried to keep myself calm and just focus on the work I had to get done.
I began planning my week’s content for the spa. I loved posting before and after photos of lip filler because the results were instantly noticeable and so beautiful. I also planned on preparing a post for Julia’s new service, which was an injection that helped get rid of cellulite, and I was working on a video series on the different vitamin infusions that she offered. It was two-thirty when I finished, and I still hadn’t heard from Remi. I went into the birthday group chat.
SHAEN
I think I actually pissed Remi off. I was a little too committed to the part
LIAM
ya he’s mad
SHAEN
fuck
LIAM
no it’s perfect. He’s mad cuz he thinks ur mad and that will just make the surprise so much better
SHAEN
are you still at the gym?
LIAM
photo
A very sweaty, muscly Remi showed up on my screen. He was giving Liam the finger as he lifted weights with his other hand.
LIA
damn
LIAM
photo
This time, he had sent a selfie of himself, shirt wet with sweat, blowing a kiss.
LIA
daaammnnnn
RACHEL
get a room
SHAEN
I’m gonna get ready now and then Eva is picking me up to be there at 4:15.
LIAM
aight
After my shower, I put on the new dress that I had found when I had gone thrift shopping last week. It was originally from Anthropology, and it was a deep navy blue color. The length hit right under the knee, and the material was tulle, which was one of my favorites for a girly moment. The best part of the dress was it was strapless and sheer from the waist up, other than some lining over my boob area. It was beautiful and it showed off my tan in the perfect way. As I was finishing my makeup, I put the bronzer and highlighter I had used for graduation across my chest and collarbone again, giving me a gorgeous glow. I left my hair down because I knew Remi liked it best that way. Getting him a gift had been hard because he honestly had everything he needed, and I had just gotten him the graduation gifts. Lia had told me to give him my virginity as a gift, but I didn’t feel ready yet, and it also felt kind of cliche. I ended up writing him a long letter and paired it with a date night jar. I had put fifty-two different date night ideas into a mason jar, and I thought it would be fun to choose one a week for the next year. At four, Eva texted me that she was outside. I couldn’t wait till I had my own car and didn’t need rides from my friends anymore. I made an appointment to go look at used cars on Monday. Remi told me not to buy anything without him because he wanted to confirm that it was a good buy which made sense to me since I knew nothing about cars. When I came out of my room, I saw that my mom was in the kitchen.
“Where you off to?” she asked me.
“It’s Remi’s birthday,” was all I offered.
“You’re still seeing him?”
“Yup.” I grabbed my bag and opened the door.
“Are you being careful?” she asked me. I turned to look at her.
“You mean so I don’t make the same mistake you did and end up with me?” I didn’t wait for her answer, I just left quickly before the tears welling up in my eyes could turn into full-blown crying and ruin my makeup.
Liam whistled when he saw me walking in through the front door.
“Damn girl.” He was standing on a chair hanging up an arch made of balloons.
“You look so hot.” Lia gave me a kiss, which, to my dismay, she caught me wiping off, and she quickly gave me another one.
“Thank you.” I spun a little, enjoying the movement of the material around my freshly waxed legs.
We spent the next hour setting up the tables, blowing up more balloons, and putting the food out. I had made three different kinds of lasagna and four types of pie that I had dropped off in an Uber this morning before work. Everyone else had brought other food options too. Liam had put himself in charge of drinks, which I personally still wasn’t sure I would be participating in. Dee was managing the music again, and I could hear her setting up the speakers. The house was filled with noise and voices as the whole football team showed up, as well as a bunch of his friends from back home. Then all of his family from Julia’s side joined too. We had all collectively agreed that we would not be inviting his parents.
“Okay!” Liam announced, interrupting the hubbub. “Everyone shut the fuck up. Shaen is going to message Remi now, and I need you all to find a spot to hide. Don’t come out until I turn the lights on, and then you’ll yell ‘surprise,’ and hopefully he shits himself.”
The room laughed, and then the crowd dispersed to find a place to hide. I took out my phone.
SHAEN
so you’re just gonna ignore me the whole day?
REMI
I just finished with Sam and Julia. No offense but I’m really not in the mood.
SHAEN
in the mood of me?
REMI
no for fighting
SHAEN
we’re not fighting
REMI
it feels like it
SHAEN
well you’ve been ignoring me
REMI
I’m on my way home. Where are you?
I didn’t answer as I crouched down next to Lia, who was now having to calm me down because I realized that I was having my first fight with Remi, and it was all over a misunderstanding, and I couldn’t handle the idea that he was mad at me.
“You’ll give him a blowie, and he’ll forgive you, I promise,” Lia told me confidently.
“Lia…!”
“It’ll work,” Liam confirmed where he hid on the other side of me. “It always works.”
“Ew.” I tried to shove the unwelcome image of my friends out of my mind’s eye.
The house was silent and dark yet buzzing with an undercurrent of excitement when we heard Remi inputting the code to unlock the front door. Then we heard the sound of the door opening. My heart beat heavy in my chest as Liam stood to turn the light on, and everyone jumped up and screamed, “Surprise!”
Remi’s face was one of shock. I could see his eyes scanning the crowd until they landed on me.
“I love you,” I mouthed. He didn’t smile. Fuck, I thought. I waited back as I watched him greet all of his guests, many of whom he hadn’t seen since the funeral. Then I waited as he got some food, and then I finally got the courage to go up to him. I stood in front of him silently. He surveyed me with wary eyes.
“So this morning was all a lie to throw me off the scent?” he finally asked.
“I mean, I wasn’t lying…”
“So you were mad?”
I bit my lip.
“No, I wasn’t mad,” I admitted.
“You hurt my feelings.” His voice was low, his face impassive, but I could feel his pain.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“My parents never acknowledged my birthday other than some cake and extra prayer at dinner. I was really looking forward to spending the day with you and celebrating my birthday for real for once,” he told me. I felt guilt boil up in my throat. I motioned to the balloons, the pile of presents, and all of the people milling about.
“I love this, and I am very grateful, but I spent the whole day thinking my girlfriend was mad at me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do that to you, but everyone wanted me to make sure you thought I was mad so it would make the surprise better,” I admitted.
“Well, it did do that.” He bent down to kiss me, and I felt relieved that I was obviously forgiven.
“I’ll make it up to you,” I whispered in his ear.
“Oh yeah? How?” His eyes ran down the sheer bodice of my dress. “Will you wear this while you do it?”
“If you want me to.” I smiled seductively.
“I want you to.” He grinned in confirmation and then took my hand to introduce me to his friends and family.
The party was a smashing success, according to Liam. All of the food had been demolished, probably due to the entire football team having shown up. Remi had danced, sang, opened up presents, one of which was a brand new iPhone from Dermont who couldn’t make it in person. When it was time for cake, Remi had made a big deal out of blowing out the candles on his cake, and it made me so happy to see him enjoying himself.
Now that everyone had left, I was helping clean up the wrapping paper that was strewn all across the living room. Remi came in and started helping me.
“I’m tired,” he announced.
“Okay.” My voice trailed off, and for the first time since we had gotten together, I felt unsure of what he wanted. Did he want me to stay over? Did he want to come back to my place? Was he saying he wanted to sleep alone? Was he trying to hint that he was ready to cash in on what I had promised to do for him earlier? The whole party, he had acted like his usual self with me, but the blip we had gone through today was causing extra anxiety to rise up inside of me.
“Remiel,” I heard Julia call from the kitchen. He looked at me briefly, then turned around and went to see what his aunt needed. Letting my anxiety fully take over me, I quickly got up and took the last garbage bag outside. Then I grabbed my bag and slipped out through the garage door, hoping to remain undetected. I could feel my heart pounding as I allowed all of my anxious feelings to overwhelm my system. It was getting so bad that I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach. My plan was to walk to the corner and order an Uber there so no one would see me and try to stop me. I had no reason to think that anything was still wrong, but my brain was trying to convince me that I had somehow still ruined everything between us by acting the way I did today. It had felt like he had forgiven me earlier, but now I wasn’t so sure. I could feel a panic attack coming on, and I sat down on the curb, trying to calm my breathing. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t breathe, but I managed to get some air in through my nose and then blew it out forcibly, trying to regulate myself. After a few minutes, I could breathe somewhat easier, so I ordered an Uber and kept walking to the corner. I saw a call come in from Remi, but I let it go to voicemail. Maybe it was easier to just end this now. If I got in deeper, I would be in big trouble. Already, the idea of him possibly still being mad at me was making me feel physically ill. I knew I would never be able to handle a breakup at any point, but maybe it was best if I just did it now before I fell more in love with him. I knew if I did let it go longer and I grew even closer to him, and then it ended for whatever reason, it would feel even worse than it would now. A single tear found its way out of my eye and made a path down my cheek, dropping off my chin. This is what letting myself feel led to. I didn’t like it. I wanted to shove all of my feelings back down to where I had kept them safe up until now. But a small part of my brain told me that now that I knew what feeling happy felt like, if I numbed myself again, I would definitely miss it. Even though feeling hurt, it also felt like so many other good things.
I began getting ready for bed, feeling so much shame about the fact that I had basically run away from Remi. Now that my anxiety had lessened and I could think logically again, I wondered why I had done something so ridiculous. As I lamented how much my unresolved abandonment issues were fucking up one of the best things that had ever happened to me, I heard a knock on the door. I looked through the peephole, and a not-so-happy-looking Remi stood there. My heart felt like it was on its own private roller coaster. I opened the door tentatively.
“What are you doing, baby?” he demanded.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I blurted out.
“No, Shaen, not that.” He sounded so hurt. He walked in, crowding me, so I was forced to walk backward. Remi shut and locked the door behind him. My heart was now beating wildly in my chest. Without a word, he followed me into my room. He shut the door softly because he knew my mother was sleeping down the hall. I felt all of the emotion I had for him begin to ride up in my chest, and it felt suffocating.
“What are you doing, baby?” he repeated softly. Tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. My lip trembled. I couldn’t talk, so I just shrugged. He was so tall and imposing standing there in my room. Looking at me. The hurt and confusion all over his face. Usually, when he was here with me, he would be on my bed, cuddling under the covers. Or on his knees, his mouth on me. Or sitting on my recliner with me in his lap, watching something sports or car related while I read. Or standing in front of the mirror helping me iron my hair when my arms got too tired. I was going to have to move if we actually broke up. I couldn’t imagine living in this room by myself with all of his memories haunting me. Remi walked toward me, interrupting my sad train of thought. I didn’t move.
“Come here.” He opened his arms, and I melted into them.
“What are you doing?” Remi asked again against my hair. I started to cry, but it felt different this time than it ever had before when I allowed myself to cry. Usually, if my emotions got the best of me, I would shed some tears, feel a little sad, and be really quiet about it until I could shove it all away and move on. These sobs that were releasing from me felt like they were emerging from somewhere deeper than usual. I could hear myself making guttural noises that were coming from the very recesses of me. Hot, salty tears were blinding me, my nose was leaking, and my heart… my heart felt like it was breaking. Remi was rocking me, wiping the tears away. Once I began to calm down, he got us under the covers and held me until I finally stopped crying. Now, I found myself lying on his chest, shaking with chills.
“Sorry, I don’t know what’s happening.” My teeth were clattering.
“Your nervous system is trying to re-regulate,” he said softly. Remi had been doing a lot of reading about mental health ever since we had talked more about my panic attacks and my fears about people seeing any vulnerable parts of me.
“O-okay.” I tried to let my body relax. I felt his warm chest against the side of my body. I focused on his breathing, the delicious smell that was all him, the weight of his hand on my back, and the sound of his voice talking to me. My body eventually calmed.
“Sorry.” I felt stupid as I came down from whatever crazy emotional breakdown I had just experienced, and he had unfortunately witnessed.
“Shaen, we’re going to fight sometimes. Like for real, not for a surprise party decoy,” he informed me gently.
I gave a half laugh, half hiccup.
“And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, and it doesn’t mean we can’t forgive each other.” Remi tucked some hair behind my ear and turned my head to make me look at him. “I know you have tried so hard to make sure you don’t ever do something that would make someone abandon you again like your own father did, but I promise you not even wild horses can keep me away.”
I smiled at his reference to the song I had played for him last month.
“It hurts to love with the possibility of losing, but without the risk, you’d never get to experience the joy of it.” He was running his hands up and down my arms now, and I knew it was because he remembered that I had told him about bilateral movements and how they could re-regulate me.
“I will not survive losing you.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Remi promised.
“You swear?” I knew I sounded a tad needy, but I couldn’t help it. I was so scared the rug would get pulled out from under me, and I would be left alone again.
“I swear.” Remi held out his little finger to me so we could pinky swear, which made me laugh. “But you have to promise me something.” He sounded serious.
“What’s that?”
“I need you to choose me.”
“I did. I do,” I protested. He shook his head. “I need you to choose me over your anxiety and fears of abandonment. I need you to choose me over people telling you to make me mad for a surprise. I need you to choose me… choose us over running away and taking an Uber the second I turn around. Because every day, I am choosing you. Choosing us. We will work out anything that comes our way, but we don’t need to add to the regular curve balls that life gives us. Okay?”
I nodded.
“Say it.”
“I choose you. I choose us,” I told him. He smiled. “Good girl.”
The praise ran through me like molten lava.
“Now, let’s start the day over.” He laid down fully this time and took me with him. I turned on my side to face him, then I took out my phone and quickly typed. His phone buzzed.
SHAEN
happy birthday baby! I love you so much. I can’t wait to see you later
REMI
thank you babe! I have to go out with Julia and Sam after the gym will I see you after?
SHAEN
def. I can’t wait! Xoxo
He put his phone down and leaned in to kiss me.
“I cannot do that again,” he whispered.
“What?”
“Not know where you are. Not know why you ran off. Not sleep next to you. Not have you trust that I am not going to break your heart,” he told me, his fingers tracing over my lips, over my jawline, and into my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“I know you are.” He kissed me, and this time, I kissed him back with everything I had. I crawled over him and pressed my body against his. I could feel him hard and desperate in his pants. As I ground my pelvis against him, I could feel his kisses growing sloppier and more excited. I crawled down his body, took his cock out, and showed him how sorry I was.
We slept like the dead after that.