Chapter 18
18
“ S haen.”
I rolled over. “Shhh. I’m sleeping.”
I heard Remi laugh. “Guess what?”
I cracked one eye. “What?” I yawned.
“You’re getting a car today!” Remi sounded so excited that I grinned with my eyes still closed.
“Yay.” I made a little fist pump in the air because I was so happy about it, but I also just wanted to sleep some more. I was so spent from the emotional roller coaster of last night that I pulled the blanket back over my head.
“I’ll get a car later. I’m exhausted,” I mumbled.
“Okay, I’m going to the gym, be ready when I get back. We’re getting grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.” He pulled the blanket back a bit to kiss my cheek.
“Grilled cheese?” I squealed.
“With Nutella,” he promised.
“Barf.” Although I loved Nutella, I couldn’t imagine pairing it with cheese, but I loved that he remembered my favorite foods. He was still laughing as he left my room, and I went back to sleep.
An hour later, my phone rang. It was Lia.
“All good in lovers world?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I sighed.
“Told ya a little mouth and dick action will always fix the problem.” She laughed.
“You’re so gross. And so right,” I admitted, not wanting to get into a full-on detailed conversation about the emotional talk Remi and I had last night, so I just left it at blow jobs. I put Lia on speakerphone as I got out of bed to do my makeup and get dressed, and I listened while she told me about her upcoming trip with her family to Europe. We made plans to get together before she left, and then I finished getting ready. I wanted to be taken seriously at the dealership, so I paired a tight black Skims dupe bodysuit with a pair of gray plaid pants that had a little belt. I then put on a pair of black ankle boots with a heel. I knew they would know how young I was eventually, but I still wanted to appear like a woman who could not be taken advantage of. I was so glad Remi was coming with me because my main source of anxiety when it came to buying my car was that they would sell me a lemon car, and I wouldn’t see it coming.
“Honey, I’m home,” I heard Remi say jokingly as he came into the apartment. I had texted him the code to the door earlier. I figured it made sense for him to have it since he slept over so often.
“Hi, baby,” I called from where I was finishing curling my hair. Remi came into my room looking swole and sweaty. I turned to give him a hug.
“I am atrocious, don’t touch me,” he warned. I leaned over and licked the exposed side of his pec.
“I licked it, so now it’s mine.” I winked.
“What?” Remi laughed but sounded confused.
“You know, like when a kid licks his lollipop so no one else can have it,” I explained.
“I have a lollipop you can lick,” Remi said suggestively and grabbed at his crotch.
“You’re gross,” I teased. “I’m ready to go.”
“I’m gross? You just licked the sweat off my skin,” he protested.
“I like it,” I told him.
“You do? Good to know.” Remi left the room to shower, and I anxiously checked my bank account to confirm again that all my hard-earned savings were still there. I didn’t have much of a credit score yet, so I had saved up the full cost of a car and planned on paying the whole thing today. This was a really big deal, but I knew with my two jobs and longer hours, I would be able to replace it sooner than later.
After about ten minutes, Remi came out of the bathroom fully dressed and ready to go. It was unfair how hot he looked barely trying.
“What?” He had caught me staring.
“You look hot,” I admitted.
“Well, thanks.” He smiled. “Let’s go buy my baby a car.” He took my hand and led me down the stairs.
“Nope,” Remi told the car salesman. “Stop playing games and show us some legit options, or we’re leaving.”
Damn, bossy, professional Remi was making me horny. I hadn’t even test-driven anything yet because Remi didn’t like any of the options the guy was telling us about. The salesman finally produced some choices that Remi deemed good enough for me, and I ended up test-driving six different cars. My favorite was a small SUV that was only a few years old with low mileage and was even lower than my budget. After I drove it, I told Remi that I was ready to buy it, but he insisted that the guy pop the hood so he could take a look. When he was done, he came back over to me.
“Do you like it best out of all the cars, baby?” he asked me. I nodded.
“Okay, then do it.”
I clapped excitedly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He took my hand. “Come sign the paperwork.”
An hour later, I had my own car! I got in and turned it on. The engine purred. I could see Remi waiting for me in his car because I was going to follow him to the sandwich shop to get the grilled cheese he had promised me earlier. I ran my hand down the steering wheel. Today was a good day. New car. No fake fighting with my man. And now we were going to eat grilled cheese.
“I did it,” I whispered to myself and my new car. I graduated. I was still a virgin, and now I had my very own vehicle. My list was doing well but holding onto my virginity at this point was starting to feel like a technicality. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
We were finishing up the best grilled cheese sandwiches I had ever had when the group chat buzzed.
LIAM
road trip to the beach house this weekend?
SHAEN
I have work
REMI
Liam we both have work
LIAM
call in sick bitches
REMI
let me see if I can swap shifts with Ben
LIAM
good call
SHAEN
I’ll ask my bosses
RACHEL
I’m in
LIA
duh
EVA
hell ya
DEE
can I bring Ashley?
LIAM
who is Ashley
CARTER
her latest girl
LIAM
is she chill?
DEE
she’s real good with her tongue
LIAM
and that helps me how?
DEE
she’s chill
LIAM
aight
SHAEN
my boss said I can work wed instead of sat so I’m in
LIAM
fuck ya
LIAM
what did Ben say?
REMI
he said ya
LIAM
how did u convince him?
REMI
I promised him some of your weed
LIAM
gotta do what u gotta do
REMI
this is what I’m sayin
SHAEN
picture
I sent them a photo of me sitting on the hood of my car.
LIAM
sweeet ride baby
LIA
Omg you did it I’m so proud of you!
RACHEL
hell ya Shaen
EVA
ah my baby all grown up
CARTER
is it Remi approved?
REMI
*thumbs up emoji*
CARTER
she ride well?
REMI
they both do
SHAEN
shut up lol
LIAM
k we leave thurs after Rem and me finish lifeguarding and then we’ll come back sun night
CARTER
good plan
When I finished work on Thursday, I went home to pack. I glanced at my calendar, and I saw that I had ovulated on Sunday, so I was no longer fertile. In about ten more days, Remi and I would be celebrating two months together. Lia had told me that she and Liam had sex the day they had officially started going out. Which honestly made sense for them. Eva, who was a lot more conservative than Lia, had only waited two weeks with Carter. I felt so safe with Remi. Not just physically safe but emotionally understood as well. Free to be me but also supported by him to explore what healing for me meant at the same time. He was also an attentive boyfriend physically. We always talked about what I did and didn’t like, and no matter how dirty and bossy he had been in bed, he always cleaned me up and cuddled with me afterward. It felt like I had given so much power to this piece of skin called a hymen. I didn’t want it to have so much meaning anymore. I knew how to be safe, and I trusted that Remi would help keep us safe as well. Lately, it had been dawning on me that maybe it was time. My anxiety kept stopping me from saying anything to Remi, and he didn’t seem to be in any rush, but I was so curious how much our connection would increase once I knew what it felt like to have him inside of me. To be very honest, I also wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I wanted to stop being afraid of being like my mother. I wasn’t. Never was. Never will be. Even if I did have a baby— gulp —I would never do to my kid what my mom had done to me. Before I could chicken out, I texted Remi.
SHAEN
do you have condoms?
REMI
no. Why?
SHAEN
I’m thinking maybe you could bring some on our trip
I was actually shaking.
My phone buzzed with an incoming video call. I nervously pressed answer.
Remi’s gorgeous, tanned face filled my screen. He had such a sweet look in his eyes.
“Baby?”
I could hear in his tone that he understood how much this meant to me. I nodded, suddenly feeling emotional.
“You’re ready?”
I could hear the kids splashing in the pool behind him. His chest was bare, and he had a lanyard with a whistle on it around his neck. This was such a strange conversation to be having with him at work, surrounded by so many people.
“I think so,” I whispered.
“I’ll buy some, but you can change your mind. No pressure,” he told me.
“Taylor!” I heard someone shout.
“I gotta go. I’ll see you soon,” he told me.
“Love you,” I said quickly.
“Love you too, sweetheart.”
The call ended. Sweetheart. That was new. I liked it.
Two hours later, a text rolled in.
LIAM
condoms?????
I rolled my eyes. Apparently, Remi had asked his cousin for help, which was honestly adorable.
SHAEN
they’re for my mom
LIAM
*nauseous face emoji* fuck u for that image
SHAEN
lol
LIAM
see u soon
SHAEN
*dancing girl emoji*
A few hours later, we were on our way. Remi and I were driving up in his BMW. Liam was bringing Lia, Rachel, and Jake in his jeep. Eva was driving Carter, Dee, and Ashley in her car. We all had various options of food and drinks in the trunk. Sam and Julia had bought the beach house when Liam and I were thirteen. I had always been so jealous of his summers at the beach, and now here I was headed there with my hunky boyfriend and all of my best friends. I was so excited, but it also made me sad because this was a reminder that it was our last real summer together, and time was quickly running out.
The drive took about an hour, so we got there around dinner time. The boys were in charge of bringing all of the suitcases and the food into the house, and the girls began unpacking everything and getting the kitchen ready to cook. I was chopping up a salad when Remi came up behind me and hugged me. I leaned up to kiss him.
“I chose the bedroom down here,” he told me. All of the bedrooms were upstairs except for one, which was on the main floor and tucked away in the back of the house. It had a bathroom attached to it and had a huge king bed in it.
“Okay.” I smiled.
“’Cause it’s private…” Remi almost seemed uncomfortable.
“Ooooh.” I laughed nervously. “I just wanted to say that if you’re not ready, it’s okay.” I didn’t want to disrespect any of his feelings about this being a big step in the deconstruction of his faith. We had talked about how he felt about what we were doing and if he still had any worries about it being a sin. He had told me that since our conversation after his grandfather had passed, he had done a lot of thinking on it and had even talked to Julia, and he felt at peace with it. He had even let me know that the photo he had taken of me was coming into good use when he jerked off. I had told him that he was gross, but if I was being honest with myself, I was actually flattered, and I was happy that it obviously meant he had really worked through some pretty big stuff from his upbringing that had been affecting him for a long time.
“Oh, I’m ready.” He said it so quickly that I burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Rachel asked from where she stood, putting together kebabs for the grill.
“Nothing.” I was still laughing when Remi lifted me up in his arms and whispered in my ear, “Really, I’m ready. I’m nervous, but I promise I’m feeling one hundred percent about all the stuff around my dad’s bullshit.”
I kissed his cheek, and he put me down.
“I’m gonna go help Liam get the Jacuzzi ready.”
“‘Kay, baby.” I smiled sweetly at him.
“Jeez, he’s just perfect, isn’t he?” Rachel waited till he left the room to pipe up.
“What do you mean?” I had finished with the salad and moved on to cutting open some avocados to make guacamole.
“He’s just so good to you. I don’t know how you did it so quickly, but he seems head over heels.” She took a swig of her beer as she picked up the platter of kebabs to bring out to Carter, who was manning the grill.
“I know, looking at it from the outside, it seems fast, but for us, in it, it feels right,” I assured her as I measured out the lemon juice.
“Oh, I’m not worried. You two are couple goals.” She blew me an air kiss as she went outside to get the kebabs cooking. I smiled to myself. Me? Couple goals? I could have never predicted this turn of events.
“Dinner’s ready,” I yelled out, hoping the boys could hear me. They could, and they came piling in through the back door. Liam and Remi were already in bathing suits, as it seemed that getting the Jacuzzi ready had included actually getting into it. Once we were all sitting and passing the food around, Liam said, “Remi, do you want to lead grace?”
Remi froze. His hand that was holding a cup of water got stuck halfway toward his mouth.
“He’s fucking with you, baby.” I patted his arm as I laughed.
“Bro.” Remi punched Liam’s arm. “Do not say shit like that to me.”
“Aw, poor Remi,” Lia teased.
“Ouch. Fuck. Lay off the weights, man, that hurt,” Liam whined, rubbing his arm.
“Aren’t you the one who literally just told him to start lifting heavier this week?” Carter asked innocently as he passed the ketchup to Jake.
“Semantics,” Liam grumbled and bit into his burger. As we all dug in and began eating, Dee said, “I can’t believe this is our last summer together.”
“Why is it our last summer? We’ll all be around next year.” Carter was clearly getting nervous about Eva moving away for college.
“Nah, bro, it’s the last real summer,” Liam agreed with Dee. “Next year, Shaen will be pregnant with Remi’s baby. Rachel will be traveling. Dee will probably have moved in with some girl and won’t come home on break. Lia will be…” His voice trailed off, and I remembered him telling me he didn’t think they would make it long distance. “Well, anyway, we’ll all be real adults by then, and it won’t ever be like this ever again.”
I wondered if him potentially breaking up with Lia was hurting worse than he had originally let on.
“Why am I always the one pregnant in these fake scenarios?” I protested.
“Have you seen Remi? His sperm are probably extra strong swimmers.” Carter laughed.
“Can we not talk about my swimmers?” Remi grumbled.
“Listen, you are a virile-looking young man,” Carter continued teasing my boyfriend.
“Jesus, Carter.” Remi was practically blushing.
“Honestly, virile is such an ick word,” Eva told us as she took some more salad.
“What’s an ‘ick?’” Jake wanted to know.
“Like something that gives you the ick,” Lia explained.
“Still no,” Jake exclaimed. Everyone burst out laughing.
“It’s like your pet peeve. Like the word moist. Or the feeling of suede,” I told him.
“Oh, got it.” He finally understood. “My ick is people who drive the speed limit.”
“Oh em gee. Same,” I agreed emphatically.
“She’s insane,” Remi informed my friends. “She thinks the speed limit is a suggestion.”
“Isn’t it?” I played innocent.
“My ick is people who bite into Kit Kats,” Rachel shared. “Like it’s clearly meant to be broken into fourths and eaten properly.”
“Yeah, I hear that.” Ashley nodded. “My ick is when I wash my face and all of the water rolls down my arms and gets my sleeves wet. It legit ruins my day.”
The guys seemed clueless, but all the girls related to that problem and laughed in agreement.
“What’s your ick, Remi?” Carter asked.
“People who talk about my semen,” Remi told him sarcastically.
“Noted.” Carter threw a blueberry at him. Remi tossed it back.
“Children, children.” Liam stood up and pretended to keep them apart. “I propose we go smoke up in the Jacuzzi.”
“Fuck yeah!” Lia and Rachel seemed to love that idea.
“We men will clean since y’all cooked,” Liam informed us, already beginning to clear the table. He didn’t have to tell me twice. I threw my plate out and then went to the room to change into a bathing suit.
I had brought a one-piece that was a dark gray color, but it was far from conservative. It cut up high on the thighs, and it had a corset design in the front, which squeezed my already full chest up so my boobs looked fake. I tied it tight, pulled my long hair up into a messy bun, and took a look in the mirror. If all worked out, I would no longer be a virgin in a few hours. I wondered if I would look different. If I would somehow blossom overnight. Look more mature or knowing? I laughed at myself, cognitively aware that I would probably look exactly the same minus a hymen, but this still felt like such a big step for me that it seemed crazy that it wouldn’t show physically. I took a deep breath and left the room to go join everyone outside.
I never smoked when Liam and my friends would light up. Remi smoked occasionally, but as I got into the water, he whispered that he wasn’t going to smoke tonight since he didn’t want to miss anything later. That made me blush and splash some water at him. He grinned and pulled me onto his lap, his eyes roaming over my bathing suit appreciatively.
“Damn, baby. You look so hot.” He ran his hands over my curves and up the corset top to where my breasts threatened to break free. I swatted his hands away as Lia, Liam, and Rachel all climbed into the Jacuzzi. Liam was holding a joint, and the sweet smell of weed wafted over to me.
“You gonna take a hit for once?” Liam sat down next to me.
“Nope.” I gave my usual answer. He shook his head and blew some smoke over my head.
“I don’t know why.”
“’Cause I’d probably end up calling the police on myself,” I told him. “You really don’t know how bad my anxiety is.”
“I think it would help your anxiety.” He leaned down and kissed my temple. “If you ever change your mind, I will sit your high with you.”
“Aw, thank you. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” I laughed.
“Why is she always so sarcastic?” Liam jokingly asked Remi over my head.
“Sarcasm is her love language,” Remi agreed. Rachel had put snacks onto a floating tray, and Remi was picking all of the red gummy bears from the candy section and eating them. Lia took the joint from Liam, took a hit, and then passed it to Dee. Liam lowered himself into the water, letting the bubbles get all the way up to his neck before turning to me and saying quietly, “I’m gonna miss you next year.”
I looked over at him. His dark blue eyes were rimmed red, and his long lashes were wet from the water.
“Don’t go soft on me now, Hennessy.” I splashed some water at him. He leaned over and gave me a small hug.
“I’m serious, ice queen.” He snagged the candy platter and got us both a pack of Gushers. “We’ve been best friends since we were what, six? I’ve never not been in school with you.”
“You are so high,” I said, trying to push down the emotion rising up in my chest.
“I am pretty fucking high,” Liam admitted with a short barking laugh. “But it doesn’t make what I’m saying not true. You just don’t like thinking about it.” He opened up my bag of Gushers, and with his dry hand, he popped one in my mouth. It was just last week that Remi and I had a conversation about Liam’s familiarity with me. How he called me babe, hugged me, or even got into bed with me sometimes. Remi had told me that he wasn’t intimidated or worried about it. He knew that his cousin loved me as a friend and that we had been thick as thieves for way longer than Remi even knew I existed. I felt relieved to hear Remi say that it did not bother him at all and that he actually appreciated how close we all were. Though, he did add that if Liam ever did do anything suspicious, he wouldn’t hesitate before punching him. We had then made out after I had told Remi how hot he was when he went protective caveman over me. I chewed on the Gusher, feeling the bubbling water all over my body, half listening to the conversations my friends were having around the large Jacuzzi, and then turned back to Liam.
“You’re right. I am going to miss seeing you every day,” I admitted.
“See, that wasn’t so hard.” He put an arm around me for a quick side hug.
“But I’m not going to miss your lethal farts after Taco Tuesday,” I added.
“You always have to ruin it. We were having a moment, Collins.” Liam laughed, pulling on my bun, and then dunked under the water to go bother Lia. She shrieked as he bobbed up in the water next to her and crowded her against the wall of the Jacuzzi as he leaned down to kiss her. I was going to miss him and all of my friends. I put another Gusher in my mouth and moved back over to where Remi stood talking to Jake. I leaned against his chest, and his arm snaked around my waist.
“I’m glad you’re not leaving,” I told him. He smiled and kissed the top of my head. Earlier this week, Remi had finished applying to a local trade school to become a car mechanic. It would take around two years to complete, and then he would have to take a test to get his ASE certificate. In the meantime, in September, he was also starting a part-time job at a local mechanic shop that would work around his school schedule so he could get hands-on experience. I was so proud of him for sticking to his guns and going after what he really wanted to do instead of what everyone else expected of him. Especially his father.
“Dermont called me today.” Remi interrupted my stream of thoughts.
“Oh yeah, what did he want?”
“He wants me to come to visit him in California before I start school.” Remi’s fingers were lightly rubbing over my shoulders, giving me chills in their wake.
“For how long?” I thought about what it would be like without having Remi around for a bit, and I didn’t like the sad feeling that came up in me at the idea of not seeing him for a few days. I had been an independent woman for so long, and then a boy made me come and fall in love with him, and suddenly I was a gooey mess over him. It was such a different vibe for me, but I found that I couldn’t help it; I loved how I felt about life when I was around him.
“A week.” Remi’s fingers tightened on my shoulders as he began to slowly massage them.
“What did you tell him?” I felt the stress leave my body from the movement of his hands.
“That I would let him know.”
“Do you want to go?” I popped another Gusher into my mouth.
“I think so.” Remi popped open a can of sparkling water and took a drink. “We can talk about it later.”
I nodded.
Lia and Liam were full-on making out now. Everyone else was just choosing to ignore them. Rachel, Dee, and Jake were still passing the blunt around. Finally, Eva and Carter joined us.
“Y’all were one hundred percent fucking!” Dee laughed as they climbed into the water with us.
“Yeah, and?” Carter splashed some water at her. Eva blushed and climbed in after him.
“We don’t kiss and tell,” she told Dee.
“Carter does.” Liam had come up for air.
“Well, I hope it was good ‘cause you guys were in there for a while.” Dee passed the blunt to Eva, who shook her head, so Carter took it. All of my friends looked sufficiently high by now. Dee had put on soft music that was playing from the speakers around the pool. There were twinkle lights strung up around the outside area as well, and I felt so relaxed and happy.
About an hour later, we were surprised by a loud, unexpected crack of thunder as the sky opened up.
“Was it supposed to rain?” Liam seemed dumbfounded. We all scrambled to get out of the Jacuzzi and put the cover over it. Then we grabbed our now soaking wet towels and ran to stand under the protection of the screened-in porch. As we got inside, Liam checked the weather on his phone.
“Looks like no more rain the whole time we’re here,” he assured us. We sat and watched the rain for a bit until Dee announced that she was tired.
“Let’s go to bed. We have a long day tomorrow of tanning, swimming, and, in general, doing a lot of nothing.” Eva laughed.
“Speak for yourself, we boys will be in the gym in the morning,” Carter told her. “These muscles don’t build themselves.” He ran a hand over his six-pack. Eva eyed his body appreciatively.
“What time do you want to work out?” Remi asked as he held open the porch door, and we piled into the kitchen, leaving wet footprints on the gray tile.
“I dunno? Ten?” Carter took out his phone to set an alarm. “That way, we’ll get in a good workout and still have a lot of time to chill with the ladies on the beach.”
“Good plan,” Liam interjected. “Good night. If anyone needs condoms, Remi has plenty.”
The whole room cracked up.
“You’re such an asshole,” I told Liam as he came over to me, arms spread, and wrapped me up in a big bear hug.
“I love you, crazy girl,” he said, pressing a kiss into my hair.
“The feeling isn’t mutual,” I grumbled, playfully pushing him away. Liam just laughed at me. Even Remi chuckled as he took my hand.
“Okay, my angry pixie, let’s go get your beauty sleep.”
A chorus of good nights reverberated through the hallway as all of my friends made their way upstairs to their various bedrooms. Remi was still holding my hand as he led me into our room. He shut the door softly and locked it. I stood in the middle of the room, listening to his breathing, wondering if we were really going to do this.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Remi suddenly announced.
“You’re not going to hurt me.” I turned to look at him.
“I will though. Not on purpose. But I know the first time is not fun, Shaen, and I’ve kind of been dreading that part.”
I opened my suitcase, rummaging through my clothes, trying to find my pajamas as I answered, “We don’t really have a choice. It’s part of the deal; otherwise, I will die a virgin.” I laughed as I took off my bathing suit and pulled on my pajama top. Then I took my toiletry bag into the bathroom.
“I’m going to get ready for bed. If you don’t want to do it tonight, that’s okay. But it’s going to hurt no matter how long we wait.”
I took my time washing my face, applying my skin care, and brushing my hair. I wasn’t upset at him, but I guess I imagined when I was finally ready that he would be all over me with excitement. I didn’t envision him worrying about hurting me. It was so sweet, but it felt like a mood killer too.
When I came out, Remi was in a pair of boxers and a tank top and was lying on top over the covers.
“Do you…”
“I’m not…”
We both said at the same time.
“You go first,” I told him as I climbed into bed and got under the thick, fluffy down blanket. Remi propped himself up on one elbow and looked at me.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I know,” I whispered back.
“And this is a big deal for me, not because of religion or thinking it’s bad. I know it’s not. But I also know that it can be more than what Carter and Liam make it out to be. It’s not just a quick feel-good moment for me, at least not in my mind and definitely not with you.” He reached over and ran a thumb over my chin briefly. “This feels like the possibility for a stronger connection between us, which will probably lead to a deeper commitment.” He shrugged. “I know this sounds stupid coming from a horny nineteen-year-old, but all I’m saying is this means something to me, and I hate that a moment that will feel so good for me is going to hurt you. I don’t like that,” he admitted. His face looked sad for a moment.
“I appreciate that.” I reached over and took his hand. “And I agree this is not just us wanting to have a good time. This definitely means more. But I have had a lot of time to wrap my head around knowing that one day, I was going to let a man I love do something to me that might hurt me. But Lia said it’s not so bad, and Eva said it only took a few times to start feeling good, and I know I’m doing it with someone I trust. I know you’ll go slow, and I know you’ll stop if I need you to. So I’m not afraid,” I assured him. He nodded.
“Okay, well, I need you to be so turned on that you’re super wet. That will help.” He sounded so serious that I laughed.
“Babe, I’m always turned on around you,” I assured him. He looked a bit smug at my answer. He slid his fingers into my underwear.
“Let me check. You know, for science,” Remi deadpanned.
“Definitely, science is important.” I laughed and then moaned as his fingers swept through the wetness that had gathered at my entrance and then moved higher to circle around my clit. He knew exactly how to touch me and what dirty praise I loved, so I came within minutes, gasping his name and clutching the blanket on either side of me. He rolled over so he was now hovering on top of me, the necklace I got him hanging off his neck. I reached up and tugged on it till his mouth came close to mine.
“I’m super wet,” I whispered against his mouth.
“I’m not done with you yet,” he whispered back and then kissed me. The scruff on his face was rough against my cheeks, and it drove me wild. He made his way down, stopping to worship my breasts, and then when I was sufficiently worked up, he moved down lower until his mouth was working magic between my legs, and I came again with a scream as my second orgasm wrecked through me. At this point, I was positively aching. I could feel him pulsing insistently against my leg. I grabbed at his hair as he made his way back up to kiss me.
“Baby, please,” I panted.
“Please, what?” he teased. He was acting chill, but I could see in his eyes how much he wanted me. I could also feel it in how tense the muscles in his back were.
“Fuck me, Remiel. Do it.” I stared deep into his eyes, hoping I looked and sounded sexy. Something about me saying that with his full name seemed to unleash something in him. He rubbed his crotch against my pelvis.
“Are you absolutely sure, baby, because I really, really want to? But I need to know you’re one hundred percent sure.”
I could feel how thin his self-control was at this point. He felt so tense. The muscles in his arms were strained and bulging as he held himself up so he wouldn’t crush me. His need for me was radiating off of him. I reached up to stroke his cheek.
“I’m sure, Remi. Make love to me,” I whispered softly. He moaned, his chest vibrating against mine. I felt so much power in this choice to share my body with him. I was giving him something, but it felt like I was taking something too. We were exchanging love, trust, and something I couldn’t name. With desperate movements, Remi moved off of me and went over to his bag. In the dark, I saw him take the brand new box he had just bought out of the side pocket, and then he ripped a couple of condoms off. He came back to the bed, taking his clothes off, and from my vantage point, his muscled body was looking so sexy. He reached down and pulled my pajama shirt off. We sat there staring at each other for a minute. His chest was heaving, and his hands were trembling as he ripped the condom open. He fumbled with it at first, but he figured it out and pinched the end as he rolled it down on himself.
“That’s hot.” I squirmed as his eyes found mine.
“Yeah?” His voice sounded husky. He climbed back over me and kissed me. His lips were full and soft on mine. His tongue was dancing in my mouth. After a few minutes of heavily making out, he lifted his head, panting.
“I love you,” Remi told me. “Please tell me if you need me to stop. Okay?” He practically begged. I nodded wordlessly. My heart was pounding with excitement and anxiety from the fear of the unknown. I felt his cock nudge at my entrance. I widened my legs slightly. Remi was watching me carefully, almost looking wary. I smiled and nodded. He pushed in slightly, and I gasped as the head breached my entrance. He stilled. I urged him silently with my hand against his butt. Remi shook his head.
“I’m going slow.”
“I’m okay,” I told him, my hand was now dancing over his back. He shivered.
“I’m going slow,” he repeated. Even though he was barely in me, I could feel the slight stretch, and I could feel how warm he was resting in my entrance.
“Okay.” I appreciated how much he cared about me, even if it was dragging out the inevitable. He pushed in a little bit more, and I could feel how much my body had to stretch to accommodate him.
“Oooof.” I involuntarily let out a half sigh, half sound of pain. I bit my lip as he stopped again and looked at me, alarmed. I smiled and reached up to brush some hair off his forehead.
“I’m okay,” I encouraged him. “It’s okay.” My heart was racing as I was engulfed in love for him. Sweet, concerned Remi was just adorable.
“I can feel it,” he whispered. I knew he was referring to my hymen. I also could feel that he was up against some resistance.
“Please just do it quickly. Waiting is hurting more than just ripping the bandaid off,” I begged. He looked at me, his head slightly tilted as if to say, You sure?
“Do it,” I urged. Remi leaned down and kissed me with so much reverence I felt tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t know what this was, but it wasn’t what my friends had described. Not one of my friends had told me that sex felt like a connection. Like love. Like transcendence. And I hadn’t even really had sex yet; I laughed at myself in my head and then winced as Remi thrust through the thin barrier of skin and bottomed out inside of me.
“Oh!” I exclaimed as pain reverberated through my body. I felt sore, full, and stretched all at the same time. Remi was as still as a statue above me, yet his arms were shaking, and his abs were tense as I ran my hands down them.
“What are you doing?” he breathed.
“I want to feel it.” I had my hands between us. I could feel myself, lips spread, wetness seeping around, and there he was deep inside my body. I was surprised at how much of him didn’t fit inside me. I circled the root of him with my fingers. He flinched, which caused him to move slightly, and I felt the pain again. Tears welled up in my eyes once more.
“Don’t make me move.” He looked like he was in pain himself from hurting me. I brought my hands back up to hold onto his arms that crowded on either side of me.
“Can you just do it and finish ‘cause…” It felt the opposite of sexy to ask him to hurry. It didn’t feel good to admit how much it hurt.
“Shaen. I can’t just come if I know it’s hurting you.” Remi’s voice was filled with what almost sounded like shame.
“Don’t feel bad. I want this for you, and you do need to move, or my body will never get used to it.” I winced as he pulled out slightly.
“Shaen.” He sounded unsure.
“I swear it’s already getting better.” The sharp pain had dulled to an uncomfortable throb. He pulled out more and then slid back in. I felt my body adjusting and stretching again at the invasion.
“S-so tight,” he stuttered. It did not physically feel good for me. At least not yet. But what did feel good was watching him lose himself in me. I loved watching him tremble, and I liked the weight of his legs around me. I wanted him to come. I wanted him to be mine for keeps.
“I am yours for keeps,” he murmured. Shit, I had said that out loud again. He began to move in earnest now, but I could tell he was still holding back. Which, honestly, I was grateful for. There was plenty of time for a pounding. I just didn’t want it right now when it felt like I was being stretched to my limit. Remi had now lasted longer than Eva, Rachel, and Lia had told me their first time was. My legs were cramping, but I was enthralled watching how his face was contorting with how good it felt for him. He was panting now.
“Oh, it’s so good, Shaen. So tight. So hot. You’re so wet.”
I loved when he talked to me like this. I beamed. My vagina felt bruised, and I wondered how anyone came from sex alone, but I also felt strong and feminine with him sliding in and out of me. The idea that this was something so taboo in the world made me feel euphoric. The Christians frowned upon it, Hollywood glorified it, my sex ed teacher had warned about it, and my friends had, quite frankly, cheapened it. This was a connected feeling like I had never experienced. His eyes stared into mine, and then he leaned down and suckled on my nipple and then my neck.
“What does it feel like?” he asked me.
“Uncomfortably full. But also, it feels like one day I won’t be able to get enough of it,” I admitted. “What does it feel like for you?”
Remi’s eyes had now scrunched shut, and his mouth gaped as he moaned his way in and out of me. He opened his eyes again.
“It’s so tight. I never imagined it could feel this good. I’m almost there…” He leaned down again and caught my mouth in his. His movements were growing more and more jerky, and he was gasping into my mouth.
“Oh God, I’m close, I’m close.” He almost sounded desperate.
“Come in me, baby,” I urged him again. And he did; after one more long stroke, his back arched, and he moaned and shook as he emptied himself in me, and it was beautiful.
He collapsed on top of me and lay panting on my chest, his softening dick was still in me.
“Baby?”
“Y-yeah.”
He felt heavier all of a sudden.
“Do you mind pulling out? I need…”
“Oh shit.” He pulled out and sat back. The condom was covered in blood. Remi stared at it and then looked at me.
“Shaen…” He sounded pained.
“I’m okay, my love. I swear.” My love? Where did that come from? “I’m just going to clean up.” I sat up and winced. I was kind of pissed that all of my dirty books had led me astray. They always showcased the virgin heroine as orgasming from sex right away and wanting it three times in a row her first night. What a lie. I felt swollen between my legs as I made my way into the bathroom. I peed, and when I wiped, I saw more blood on the toilet paper. I ran the water till it was warm, and then I got a washcloth wet with it and wiped it between my legs. That helped a little. Remi came in holding the full condom. He tied it off and hid it under the tissues in the garbage.
“I’m sorry.”
I looked up at him. “Don’t you dare do that.” I poked him in the chest.
“Do what?”
“Regret it. Stop playing the hero. Losing my virginity is a rite of passage. Are you not gonna give me any babies because labor hurts?” I demanded. Remi’s face softened.
“You want my babies?” He kissed the corner of my mouth.
“I want one or two.” I kissed him back.
“I’ll put my babies in you,” he told me huskily. God that sounded so hot.
“Okay, good. So stop being a little bitch about this.”
He laughed, picked me up, and brought me back to bed, where I laid my head on his chest.
“If I’m being honest, I can’t wait till it doesn’t hurt because I want to fuck you so hard,” he admitted. I laughed out loud and kissed his chest.
“I love you,” I told him.
“I love you too, baby. Thank you.”
“For?” I asked.
“For giving that part of you to me.”
He was so sweet. I fell asleep feeling so sore and so loved I could barely stand it.
So this is what trust feels like.