Chapter 20
20
T he next month passed in a blur of sex with Remi, getting together with our friends as often as possible, working at the rescue, creating content for Julia, watching Yellowstone with Remi, and reading dirty books where sometimes the scenes made me so horny I had to stop and jump Remi. We also spent time discovering new music, cooking our favorite foods together, and playing house, as Remi liked to call it. There were many late nights laughing under the covers. I had even brought Remi to a thrift store for the first time and in turn, I joined him at the gym once, but I hated it. I had also gotten manicures with the girls, FaceTimed with Lia on her family trip to Europe, consoled Dee through her breakup with Ashley, helped Eva shop for school, and in general very much enjoyed our last summer together. It was now the last week of August, and everyone was leaving tomorrow, including Remi, who was flying to LA to spend the week with Dermont. I had been dreading this day for weeks now. Instead of allowing myself to sit with my feelings for too long, I focused on writing letters to my friends and choosing a little gift for each of them. We had done our last barbecue together to officially say goodbye at Dee’s house last night, and tonight I was going over to Liam’s house where Julia had invited me for the last family dinner before Liam went to follow in Sam’s footsteps and attend Harvard Medical School. As much as Liam liked to fuck around, he was actually really smart, although you would never catch me telling him that and inflating his already very healthy ego.
I parked next to Remi’s car in the driveway and grabbed my overnight bag. I was sleeping by Remi tonight as he and Liam both had early flights tomorrow morning, so Sam and Julia would be driving both of them to the airport. I knocked on the front door and then walked in.
“Ah, my favorite girl.” Julia came out of the kitchen and kissed my cheek. “How are you holding up?” she asked me as I made my way to the basement door to put my bag in Remi’s room. I felt a familiar lump rise up in my throat, and I swallowed it back down.
“I’m okay.” I smiled brightly. I had been doing such a good job of learning to feel my feelings. I hadn’t been reverting back to what Liam called my ice queen persona as often. I had been feeling safer navigating my feelings and sometimes even verbalizing them. In turn, it allowed me to feel happiness on a deeper level than I had before. But now, that sadness, loneliness, and fear were creeping in, I was feeling like I needed to fake it again. Because otherwise, I would feel suffocated by these hard feelings. Feelings I didn’t want to be experiencing altogether.
“I’m a mess,” Julia told me. I stopped to hug her.
“I know. Me too,” I admitted. She pulled away, and I saw the tears in her eyes. “I’m selfishly so happy that you and Remiel will be here this year.”
“Same. I just have to get through this next week.”
“Oh, to be young and in love.” She smiled and then rushed back to the kitchen as the oven timer started to beep. “Dinner will be ready in twenty,” she called.
“I’ll be right back,” I told her and then made my way downstairs. Remi’s door was closed, and I rapped on it gently, but there was no answer. When I opened it, I heard the shower going.
“Babe?” I called. He didn’t respond. My anxiety got the best of me, and my mind worried that something had happened to him, so I tried the door to the bathroom, and the handle turned. I opened the door a crack and felt relieved when I saw that Remi was alive and well and was just showering. I was about to shut the door when I heard him moan. He hadn’t seen me as he was facing the water, his left hand was on the wall of the shower, and his right hand, oh, his right hand was moving quickly on his cock. The realization of what I was seeing ran through my body, and while I felt guilty spying on such a private moment of his, I also felt a clench between my legs as I realized how turned on I was by it. I peered back around the door and watched with bated breath. Remi’s hand was moving quickly, root to tip, and occasionally, he would pause to gently rub over the head. His grip was so tight, I wondered how it didn’t hurt. His movements were growing sloppier, his moans louder, and suddenly, his body stiffened, and he bent over as he came. I quickly moved back as he stood up, and I gently shut the door.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself. That had been so hot, and now I had to sit at a dinner table with Liam and the rest of the family with my soaked underwear and my fluttering pulse. I sat myself down on Remi’s bed and looked at my phone, trying to pretend like I had been sitting here the whole time. As I heard the shower turn off, I opened my social media app and went to post a new photo that I had taken of us. I had snapped it last night in portrait mode, so the whole background was blurred, and we were just a silhouette, but you could clearly see that Remi was kissing me and that my arms were up around his neck. I posted it with the caption: “With you I am safe enough to be me,” and I tagged @rem22. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and Remi came out, a puff of steam following him, and a white towel wrapped around his hips.
“Hi, baby!” I smiled as he came over for a kiss. “Are you packed?”
“Pretty much. I just need to put in my toothbrush and stuff like that.” He pulled a T-shirt and a pair of jeans on and then ran a brush through his wet hair.
“Ready?” He held his hand out for me to take and helped me get up from his bed.
“Yup, I’m starving.” I held onto his hand and followed him out of the room.
“You owe me a show,” he said quietly as we walked to the stairs.
“Huh?” My heart sped up. Had he seen me?
“It’s only fair.” He winked at me. “You saw mine, so now you need to show me yours.”
“Oh my God” He had seen me! I hit his arm as he cracked up. “It was an accident!” I protested.
“Well, pixie, I can guarantee that tonight when I watch you make yourself come, it will one hundred percent be on purpose.” He bent to kiss my lips quickly, and then we joined the family for dinner.
“Julia, you outdid yourself.” Sam leaned over to kiss his wife as he took a look at the massive spread of food she had made.
“She outdoes herself every time.” Leo, one of Liam’s older brothers, laughed as he poured himself something to drink.
“This is true,” Sam agreed. We all ate as we chatted and laughed, but as we finished the meal, I could feel my mood shifting as I acknowledged the feeling of impending doom that was hanging over me. All of my friends were leaving me. My boyfriend was leaving me. My best friend was leaving me. I could feel a panic attack crawling its way up my throat.
“E-excuse me.” I stood up quickly as breathing became difficult. My fork clattered down onto my plate, and I rushed out of the room. I found myself sitting on the floor of Remi’s room, knees pulled to my chest, my body curled around myself as I rocked to self-soothe.
“Breathe, Shaen.” I could hear Liam’s voice through the buzzing in my ears. I was pulled into his arms, and when I opened my eyes, my vision was hazy, but I could see Liam’s concerned face in front of mine.
“Deep breath in, babe,” he instructed.
I tried.
“Okay, and out.”
I tried again. Suddenly, I burst out crying. It felt like it was coming from that place again. That scary, empty space inside of me. I was cradled in Liam’s lap, sobbing as he murmured that it was okay, and he was here. I heard Remi come into the room. He had been in the bathroom when I had left the table and hadn’t seen me freak out.
“What the fuck… Shaen?”
I felt him crouch next to me, and Liam handed me off to him, but he didn’t let go of my hand.
“She has panic attacks,” I heard Liam say.
“I know.” Remi’s voice was soft. “Shaen… honey.”
I was numb now. I was no longer panicking; I wasn’t crying either, I was somewhere in nothingness where none of my sad feelings could touch me. I didn’t answer. I felt Remi turn to Liam.
“Can you get her an ice pack?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right back.”
And he was. I felt Remi pull the collar of my sweatshirt down a little, and Liam placed the ice pack on my chest. I wanted to stay in the nothingness, but I knew I had to come back. I felt the cold ice, and I focused on that. I could feel that. What did I smell? Remi’s cologne and spice. I breathed it in. I squeezed the muscles in my legs in and out. Then I wriggled my toes. I felt my nervous system calm down until the ice on my chest grew painful. I sat up and took the ice pack off.
“I’m sorry.” I was so embarrassed. I thought I had made so much progress with this, and yet here we were. Again.
“Don’t be sorry.” Liam was crouched right beside me. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I’m supposed to be strong,” I said, hiccupping from all the crying I had done earlier.
“You are strong,” Remi told me, stroking my cheek.
“I’ve always taken care of myself.” I looked up at him, my lashes wet with unshed tears.
“I know, baby,” Remi said softly.
“And you will continue to do that.” Liam was still holding my hand, and he squeezed it. “But you also have us to take care of you too. Okay?”
“Okay,” I acquiesced.
Liam turned around while Remi helped me get into pajamas, and then they both tucked me into bed.
“I’m going to go get her a plate of dessert and a hot tea,” Remi told Liam.
“I’ll wait here with her.” Liam climbed into the bed and lay next to me. I curled up into him.
“Do you remember the day we met?” Liam asked me softly, his fingers running circles on my back.
“You were eating glue.” I giggled.
“You’re still sticking to that lie?” Liam sounded horrified. “I was not eating glue. But I did sit down next to you at circle time and told you that my name was Liam, and you told me that your name was Shaen, like Shane, not Shay-en, and I never left your side ever again. And I never will,” he told me gently.
I sniffed. “But you are.” I hated sounding so pathetic, but I hadn’t prepared to be this broken up over my best friend moving a few hours away.
“I’m not. I’m going to text you so much you’ll end up blocking me,” Liam said emphatically.
I laughed at that and wiped away a tear.
“I’ll be back soon, Shaen. Plus, we will talk every day. I promise.” He bent to kiss my temple. “And I’m leaving you with the next best option.” Liam gestured to Remi, who was walking back into the room holding a plate and a mug.
“Next best my ass,” Remi snorted. Liam got off the bed and winked at me. I laughed again. He bent down and hugged me.
“I’ll come say goodbye in the morning. Okay?” he said softly. I nodded, not trusting myself to talk again.
“Love you, Shay Shay.”
“Love you too.”
He left the room. Remi brought me a fork and a hot cinnamon roll. My system was shaky and depleted after my panic attack, and sugar sounded like the perfect solution, so I ate the whole thing and washed it down with the tea.
“Don’t judge me, but I’m too weak to go brush my teeth,” I murmured, my face in the pillow.
“You’re perfect even with dirty teeth.,” I heard Remi say as he turned the light off and rubbed my back until I fell asleep. Later, I woke up to Remi’s arm slung across me, and my bladder was begging me to go pee. I had to extricate myself from my boyfriend’s sleeping embrace, and when I finally got out, I went to use the bathroom. While I was there, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. The clock on the night table read 2:30 a.m. Remi would be getting up in four hours to leave. My heart clenched at the idea of it, and I crawled back to lie next to him. His body stirred, and he whispered, “Baby?”
“I’m here.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah…”
Remi’s hands reached for me and pulled me closer. I immediately felt his erection against my stomach. His mouth found mine, and I poured all of my crazy emotions into this moment. I was absolutely ravenous for him, my underwear was soaked, and my breaths were gasping against his mouth.
“Do you want to come?” I heard Remi whisper in my ear. I nodded frantically. I knew that the best way, not the healthiest way emotionally, but the fastest way physically, to push away all of these lonely, abandoned feelings down was to flush my system with oxytocin and dopamine.
“Okay.” Remi pulled away, moved the blanket off my legs, and motioned to me.
“Make yourself come.”
Was he really sticking to what he had said before dinner? That felt like a lifetime ago. I didn’t want my fingers. I wanted his mouth and then his cock. I could tell from looking at him, though, that there was no point in arguing. My bossy, horny Remi was here, and if I was going to come at all, I knew it had to be of my own volition.
“It’s going to make me so hard, baby,” he told me huskily. “Pull your underwear down.”
I did and waited for further instruction. I was by no means a submissive person, but I found that sometimes letting all of my anxiety go, not having to wonder what was next, and allowing him to take the driver’s seat was such a relief to my brain.
“Run your hand down to feel how wet you are,” ?was my next instruction.
I did.
“How wet are you?”
Remi’s voice was making me wetter.
“I’m soaked,” I told him and was rewarded with a groan.
“Did you get wet when you watched me jerk off earlier?” he asked. I flushed. “Yes.”
“Good girl.”
I was rewarded again.
“Take your fingers and run them through your wetness and then move them up to your clit,” he ordered. I did that too, and I could hear how wet I was as I moved my fingers around.
“Do you hear that?” Remi asked. Of course he would point it out. I flushed again and turned my head away.
“Look at me.” His tone was stern. I looked back at him.
“That’s for me. You made that for me. So I can slide inside you. Right, Shaen?”
I nodded exuberantly.
“Your body wants me to fill you. But you’re so tight, so you need to be so wet to take me.”
“Y-yes.”
“You’re doing such a good job.”
That reward again; my body blossomed from the praise.
“Rub your clit. Show me what you do when I’m not there, and you want to come.” Remi’s voice was now right by my ear, but he wouldn’t touch me. I ached for him.
“I know you do,” he responded to me.
Shit, I kept saying things out loud that were supposed to remain thoughts. I had to stop doing that! I moved my fingers up and began to spread my wetness all over my swollen clit. I watched Remi’s eyes following my movements, and I could see on his face how much he liked it. At first, I was rubbing hesitantly, but as I could feel myself growing wetter and more desperate, I really began to masturbate in earnest. Remi made an appreciative sound that spurred me on. I was so close, and my hips were almost thrusting off the bed.
“Yes, like that. You’re doing so good.” Remi’s voice set me off.
“Oh, oh. Remi,” I called breathlessly as I came.
“I’m right here.”
I turned, and his mouth descended on mine as I came down from my orgasm. My body was buzzing in the aftermath, and I needed more.
“Please,” I whispered against his mouth. He lifted his head to look at me.
“Do you need me to fuck you?” he asked. I could see the head of his cock slipping through the slit of his underwear.
“Y-yes.” I kissed him again. He rolled over to grab a condom. When he came back, he turned me over.
“Be a good girl and take me like this,” he murmured. We had never done it in this position before. I was breathless as he held me in place, and I waited on my hands and knees. I felt him line himself up behind me and guide his dick into my soaking wet channel.
“Oh J-Jesus,” he stuttered as he bottomed out inside of me. Remi felt huge this way. He pulled out and slammed back in. I could feel the embers of my orgasm sizzling and coming back to life. I was losing my mind as he fucked me. Suddenly, he lifted me up, so I was still on my knees, but now my back was up against his chest. I could feel how sweaty and out of breath he was. Things felt much tighter now. Remi had one hand pressing down against my pelvis, and as he rutted inside of me, his hand kept pressing down, and it made things even tighter and more intense. His other hand came up to squeeze a little on each side of my neck. I could still breathe, but the little bit of pressure on my arteries was causing me to really focus on taking deep breaths. It was making me be fully aware and in the moment. All I could think, feel, breathe, see, and exist was Remi’s thick cock penetrating me over and over. The sound of his grunting and him telling me I was doing so good, I was taking him so well, I tasted so good, I was his good girl, set me off into an orgasm like I had never experienced before. I found myself crying as I came down, his hands loosening off of my neck as he poured himself into the condom inside of me. We both lay there after, completely speechless at the cosmic explosion we had just experienced together.
“Baby, should I cancel the trip?” I heard Remi ask softly.
“No! I swear I’ll be fine,” I insisted.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” I wanted to say no, stay with me, never leave me, I love you! But I was a big girl, and I could live without him. It was only a week.
I woke up again to the rustling sounds of Remi packing up the last of his things and zipping his suitcase closed. As I sat up, trying to tame my hair down with my hands, Remi came over to me with my pajama shirt.
“Here put this on. Liam wants to come in and say goodbye.”
I lifted up my arms and let Remi pull the shirt over my head, and I smoothed it down my body. Then I felt around for my shorts, and I pulled those on too. I took a quick bathroom break to brush my teeth again, and I heard Liam come into the room. He and Remi were talking in hushed tones when I came out of the bathroom, shutting the light off behind me.
“There you are.” Liam forced a grin, but I could see the worry behind it.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking from him to Remi and back to my best friend. Liam came over and picked me up in a big hug before putting me back down and tilting my chin up to look at him.
“We’re just a little concerned that maybe it’s too much for all of us to leave on the same day,” Liam admitted.
“Last night was a fluke. I swear I’m fine.” I smiled as big as I could muster. “Remi will be back in seven days, and I’ve decided I will take off work for Halloween. I’ll take the train because it’s cheaper than flying, and I looked it up, the train ride from here to Boston is super cool. So I’ll see you in exactly sixty-six days.”
“I can pay for a flight, Shaen…”
Liam knew I hated when he offered, and never in our entire friendship did I ever let him pay for more than a coffee or a game of bowling.
“The train is cool. I want to do it,” I interrupted. Liam held his hands up.
“Well, it sounds like you have it all figured out.” He opened his phone and scrolled on his calendar to October thirty-first, and he put a big notification on it that simply said, “Shaen *pumpkin emoji*.” Then he made a new group chat with just Remi, him, and I.
“If you need us, promise you’ll text. I don’t want you to…” His voice trailed off when I hugged him.
“I promise. I will be okay. I’m so excited for you. You’re going to have the best time! And you’re finally becoming a doctor.” I infused as much happiness into my voice as I could muster. Liam kept his arms around me for a solid few minutes and then leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
“I’m going to miss you.” His voice sounded raspy now, and I just gave him one more tight hug in response. I had chosen not to go to the airport for this exact reason. I didn’t want to have all of these heightened emotions in front of a bunch of strangers and then have to keep them in check for the entire hour ride back with Julia and Sam. I preferred to do it here. In Remi’s dark room, which smelled like him, and I could hide in until I was ready to come out.
“Love ya. Talk to you soon.” Liam said one last goodbye and then left the room, gently closing the door behind him.
“Well, one down, one to go,” I said brightly, that fake smile back on my face. Remi just gathered me in his arms, I wrapped my legs around his waist, and I cried into his shirt.
“You’ve broken me,” I whispered. “I used to be able to keep it together before you came along.”
Remi’s hand smoothed over my hair.
“No baby, I’m putting you back together,” he murmured in my ear. “Just like you are for me.” Remi rocked me until I stopped crying and then put me down so he could wipe the tears from my eyes with his thumb.
“I will be right back, sweetheart. Okay? Maybe sleep here until I’m back?” he offered. I shook my head.
“I have work, and all of my stuff is at home.” I couldn’t possibly stay here with reminders of him and Liam everywhere I looked. No, I would tough it out in my bedroom just like I had for the last almost nineteen years of my life.
“Okay. Well, text me, and I’ll FaceTime you every night. I love you, pixie.” Remi bent down to kiss me. I let myself drown in it for a minute, and then I pulled myself together.
“Go. You don’t want to be late. I love you.” Then I watched him take his suitcase and leave the room, shutting the door behind him. I felt all of the strength I had been holding on to completely leave my body, and I promptly crawled back into bed, my hand clutching Remi’s T-shirt that smelled like him, and I fell back to sleep. Alone again.
I woke up with a start, feeling drool drying on the side of my mouth. Ew. I wiped it away and looked at my phone. Holy shit, it was already 1 p.m.! It was Wednesday, and I had no work, but I still felt so out of sorts, having completely missed half the day. My phone was full of missed calls and text messages. Three missed calls from Remi, two from Liam, and one from an unknown number. I toggled over to my text app.
I opened the chat I had with Liam and Remi.
LIAM
boarding now. All good?
A half-hour later:
REMI
I’m boarding now too. Landing at 2 pm est. You good Shaen?
An hour later:
LIAM
I landed. I barely had time to sleep b4 they were like get the fuck off our plane. What u up to Shay Shay?
Another hour later:
LIAM
I swear if u blocked me already I’m gonna be pissed.
LIAM
Shaen?
LIAM
just got to the dorms gotta plug my phone in. text me back bitch
I felt so bad having slept through all of this, and yet a part of me just wanted to roll over and block it all out again. Instead, I quickly texted back:
SHAEN
sorry lost my phone. Send pics! Who’s your roommate?
I didn’t want them to know I had just woken up and was acting like a pathetic mess since they left. I rolled out of bed, took my pajama shirt off, and stuffed it into my bag. Then I pulled Remi’s shirt on. It engulfed me, and I pretended it was him hugging me. I snuck out through the side door so no one in Liam’s family would catch me doing what felt like a walk of shame, with me getting out of bed in the middle of the afternoon. I drove home in a daze, stopping at a local juice place, and bought myself a coconut a?aí bowl. The apartment was empty and quiet when I got home. Of course it was. I ate the a?aí bowl in my bed, then shut all the shades in my room and went back to sleep.
The sound of my phone buzzing woke me up yet again. It was now 3 p.m., and Remi was calling.
“Hey.” I cleared my throat before answering in order to make it sound like I was fine and not sleeping the entire day away.
“Baby?” I could hear music in the background, and then I heard Dermont shout, “Hi.”
“Hi! How was the flight?” I infused a chill, happy tone into my voice.
“It was good. I slept for most of it,” Remi told me. So did I, I thought. “Dermont picked me up in his Maserati, Shaen. This car is sick! I’m gonna send you pictures.”
I could hear how excited he was, and it made me genuinely smile.
“So he’s like rich, rich, huh?” I asked, sitting up and turning the light on in my room. I heard Dermont laugh at that.
“Pretty much.” Remi was grinning, I could hear it. “What are you up to?”
“Oh, nothing really. Just got some errands done, and I’m thinking of going thrifting for some more work-appropriate clothes because Julia wants me to start modeling for some of her skin care and facials in the spa.” Julia had asked me to do that, that was true, but I was lying about going anywhere today, and I felt bad doing it.
“Hell, yeah, she did, baby. You’re so gorgeous.” Remi sounded so confident that it put a smile on my face.
“Thank you, Remi,” I replied softly.
“Well, we’re just getting to Dermont’s place, so I’m going to shower, but FaceTime me before you go to bed, okay, Shaen?”
I could still pick up on some of the worry in his voice, and I felt bad that I had put it there.
“Will do, love. Talk to you soon.” I amazed myself at how cheerful I sounded. I was such a mess. After we hung up, I forced myself to take a shower and put on real clothes. I worked for an hour creating some more content for Julia and the rescue, and then I looked through my social media feed. It was full of pictures of my friends on flights, taking selfies with their new roommates, and documenting the process of setting up their dorm room. I was interrupted from my sad little pity party by a text from Carter:
CARTER
how you holding up?
SHAEN
not good
CARTER
ya same
SHAEN
I’m sorry
CARTER
I’m going into a movie with Jake but if you need anything let me know
SHAEN
thanx
At five, I ventured out of my room to check the fridge. My mom had obviously had visitors over as some leftover pizza, still in the box, and two beers sat alone on the shelf.
“Fuck,” I exclaimed to the silent room. Then, I took my keys and drove to the grocery store to pick up some real food. I decided I was going to make some Rice Krispie treats to cheer myself up, so I got the ingredients for that and the makings for a taco salad. As I walked back into the apartment, Liam FaceTimed me. I answered, and his face filled up my screen.
“Hi, baby!” he exclaimed. He must be out at a pool hall because I could see people playing in the background. A guy with long, sandy brown hair poked his face in next to Liam.
“Who is baby? Is that your girlfriend?” he asked, waving hi to me. Leave it to Liam to make friends within minutes of getting to a new place. People gravitated to him because he was loud, funny, and super confident.
“Nope. This is Shaen, my best friend,” Liam told the guy.
“Well damn, is she single? ‘Cause she is hotttt.” The guy peered back over Liam’s shoulder.
“She is not single.” Liam turned the phone away. “Don’t be looking at her.”
I cracked up.
“I see you’re already making friends?” I propped my phone up against the paper towel roll and got to prepping my taco salad while Liam and I talked. He told me all about his flight, his dorm, his roommate, and his schedule. He sounded happy, which made me happy. I was sitting down getting ready to eat when Liam said, “I don’t know what to do about Lia.”
I stopped mid-chew. He had been successfully avoiding this conversation with me for weeks.
“What do you want to do?” I asked. Liam squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds, and when he opened them, I was surprised to find them shiny.
“We’ve been together for a long time, you know? If we were in the same school or even the same state, I would stay with her, but how am I supposed to do it like this?” He ran a hand through his already messy hair. “I had to go here. I couldn’t go to school in California… you know that.”
I nodded. Liam’s plan was to become a surgeon like Sam, and the best place for him to do that was Harvard. Him going to the same school as her had never been an option for them.
“So she’s in Cali, I’m here, and not only do we have crazy schedules, we also have a three-hour time difference. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make that work… also am I supposed to be celibate till Christmas? My dick will fall off, Shaen.” Liam seemed particularly distraught over that last part. I laughed until he made a fake crying face.
“Listen, if this were me and Remi, I would do anything to make it work. I’d either wait and stay celibate, or I would move and transfer schools. Or make it work in our own schools. I would visit, I don’t know… my point is she seems okay. She knew you were going to Boston since ninth grade, and she never applied to anything but the school she’s in when she could have gone to other schools in your area.” I took a big bite of my salad and chewed while Liam wrapped his head around what I was saying.
“Fuck, you’re right,” he finally said. “Do you think she’s just waiting for me to break up with her?”
“I don’t know, Liam, why didn’t you talk to her about this ever since you both got acceptance letters like a year ago? It’s not like this happened out of the blue,” I told him. He rolled his eyes.
“Shaen, we did talk about it, but we never came to any conclusions because every time we tried to talk about anything, we ended up fucking.” Liam laughed.
“Well, maybe that’s all it was. A high-school fling that was based on being a mostly physical relationship. Maybe it’s not meant to go further than this.” I didn’t want to be the reason they broke up; she was also my friend after all, but it was starting to feel like it had run its course.
“Shit, you might be right.” Liam seemed sad. “Well, I gotta go, but call me tomorrow so I can figure out what I’m going to say to her.”
I nodded.
“Bye, hottie,” I heard from off-screen. Liam punched him, and the guy yelped and then laughed.
“Bye, Liam.”
I felt a little bit better after our call. He and I were forever, and I knew we could and would maintain our friendship through all his years of college and medical school. That was one thing I knew for certain.
After eating way too many Rice Krispie treats, I took a long shower and cried the whole time. Crying in the shower felt safer for me since it was easy for me to pretend it wasn’t happening. What tears? No, that is shower water. I laughed at my own idiocy and got out to dry off. For some reason, out of the blue, a lot of my lonely feelings that were surfacing today felt like they were stemming from my “no one loves me, never had a dad” issues. When I was twelve, I had mustered up the courage to ask my mom about him. We were doing family tree work in school, and mine was so empty that I was embarrassed. When I discovered that my birth certificate only had my mother’s name on it, I asked who my dad was. All she said was he had been a lot older than her and wasn’t interested in another family.
“He didn’t even want you, Shaen. Just let it go,” she had told me.
Those words had fucked me up more than I was able to verbalize at twelve, but now at close to nineteen, I was aware of the damage they had done to my ability to feel my feelings, to feel loved, and to accept that emotion was a safe thing to express and experience.
The envelope Dee had given me last month sat on my dresser. Taunting me. Maybe he would want me now. Maybe my mom wasn’t telling me the truth when I had asked her about him years ago. Maybe I did have a whole other family who would want to know me. I would never know if I didn’t try. Deciding it was now or never, I quickly ripped open the package. I filled out all of the paperwork and then swabbed my cheek. I packed it all back up before I could chicken out and placed it in the return envelope. I decided I wasn’t going to tell anyone that I had done it. First, let me see if any relatives popped up first. I didn’t want any drama around it before I knew for certain. A lot of my angst seemed to dissipate with making the decision to try to find this elusive father of mine. Feeling a lot lighter and more peaceful, I got into bed and FaceTimed Remi. It was 10 p.m. for me, which made it seven in California, and sure enough, when Remi answered the call, it was still sunny out where he sat by the pool.
“Hi!” He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and I got a nice eyeful of abs and chest as Remi got up and walked inside.
“Hi yourself.” I smiled as I laid down and got cozy in my blanket.
“I miss you.” Remi was sitting on a bed now and had propped his phone up on something.
“I miss you too.”
Remi’s eyes roamed over my face and down to where he could see my cleavage.
“The things I would do to you if I were there,” he whispered into the phone.
“Oh, yeah?” I smiled, biting my lip.
“Yeah.” Remi leaned forward as if to say something else when the door behind him opened, and Dermont poked his head in.
“We’re going to leave in twenty. Oh, hey, Shaen.” He waved at me, and I waved back.
“Hey, Dermont.”
“I’m taking your boy to a car show, and then we’ll be catching dinner at Nobu.”
I had no knowledge of what he was saying, but I nodded and said, “That sounds amazing. I hope you have a great time!”
“I know you’re going to sleep. Call me tomorrow before you go to work. Wake me up.” Remi sounded regretful.
“I will, baby. Good night.” I kissed the screen, and he seemed pacified.
“Love you, pixie.”
I was scrolling social media before I officially went to sleep when the text came in.
REMI
If I was there I would pull your tank top off but not all the way, instead I would tighten it around your wrists to keep your hands above your head. Then I would lick and suck your nipples until you were begging me to make you come. But I wouldn’t. Instead, I would kiss everywhere but your pussy. I would kiss your thighs and your belly. I would leave little love bites all over you. I would lick my way all over the sides of your lips until you were leaking down your legs making a big mess. You would be moaning and begging and only once you were completely losing it would I finally touch you. My tongue would be all over your clit and I would fuck you with three fingers. You would be so worked up that you would come immediately. Your legs would tighten around my head so hard that I would have to pry them apart to get up to your mouth and I would kiss you so you could taste what a mess you had made. And you would love it.
I gasped, reading his filthy text. My body was thrumming with desire. Another text came in as I was reaching for my vibrator.
REMI
video yourself for me. I know what you’re doing
Oh, my kinky man. Could I do it? I hesitated. A third text came in.
REMI
be a good girl and do it for me
Fuckkkk. I left the light off, so the only source of light was a little bit of moonlight that was streaming in from the window. I propped my phone against the water bottle on my night table, then swiped to the video feature and pressed record. I lay back on my pillow, lifting up my tank top so he could see the slope of my breasts. Then I shoved my underwear down, leaving it around my ankles. I opened my legs, turned on my vibrator, and touched it to my clit.
“Oh fuck,” I groaned out. I immediately was not focused on doing anything special for the recording. All I could think about was the dirty things Remi had described doing to me and how much of a good girl I wanted to be for him. I came almost immediately. Fireworks shot off behind my eyelids, and my hips lifted off the mattress on their own accord. Instead of removing my vibrator, I fought through my heightened sensitivity and kept it on me. I moaned Remi’s name as I thought about him sitting at his fancy car show next to his godfather and typing that dirty text to me under the table. I imagined he was here next to me and was watching me pleasure myself. He would be working his cock as he stared at me with his eyes only half open. His abs would contract as he moved his hand up and down himself, squeezing and jerking. I came dramatically, calling out to a God I didn’t believe in, alone in my bed but not feeling so alone anymore.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch the video, so I quickly just sent it to him and then deleted it off my phone. It sat there unread until I fell asleep. The next morning, I woke up to a string of texts:
REMI
I will never be soft ever again.
REMI
how are you so hot?!
REMI
I need to jerk off but I’m in nobu. This place is bougie AF
I laughed at his use of bougie. Then I blinked at the text sent twenty-four minutes after his previous message.
REMI
ok I jerked it in nobu’s fancy bathroom and I’m still hard. You’ve ruined me pixie.
Two hours later, the last text of the night had come in:
REMI
photo
It was a picture of him lying in an unfamiliar bed, one arm was up behind his head. The other one was down between his legs. I couldn’t see everything clearly, but I knew what he was doing, and it got me wet all over again.
The next six days passed in a blur of work, loving check-ins with Remi during the day and dirty text threads at night, calls with Liam, and time spent impatiently waiting to hear back from the DNA company. It was officially September 2nd, six days before my nineteenth birthday, and I was waiting in the airport to pick Remi up. I had worn my tightest body suit and a pair of jeans that did great things for my ass. I had also baked fresh oatmeal cookies and brought them with me. After waiting for about a half hour, I finally saw him walking through the crowd toward the exit. He was easy to spot as he was almost a head taller than everyone around him. Remi’s face lit up when he finally saw me, and he began to walk faster. I ran the last few feet and threw myself at him. He caught me and lifted me up as I tightened my legs around his waist. We immediately began making out until people around us kept grumbling about getting a room.
“Oh my God, never again,” Remi told me when he let me back down to the floor. “Next time you come with me.” He took my hand, and we walked to where I had parked my car. As I drove home, he ate the cookies and told me all about his trip. Apparently, Dermont had convinced Remi to record a demo of a song. Remi told me that he had done it to humor Dermont, but he could never see it through as an actual career.
“LA is just so pretentious,” he said. “I would never fit in.”
“Big word, babe,” I quipped.
“Right, look at me being all smart.” He grinned. “But seriously, everyone has a boob job. Dermont had me meet some of the people he works with. They’re all fake. The women just laughed at everything I said because they thought I was hot, not because they actually cared.”
“Hot women laughing at what you’re saying?” I pretended to be aghast. “That sounds terrible.”
“There’s my sarcastic girl.” He reached over and ran a finger down my cheek. “I missed you so much, baby.”
I kissed his finger as it passed over my mouth.
“I missed you too. The first day, I was such a mess that I realized we will have to be together forever because I literally could not handle it.” I gripped the steering wheel at my confession.
“No complaints from me.” Remi took my other hand, kissed my knuckles, and then continued to hold my hand in his.
“So Dermont took me shopping, check it out.” Remi pulled up his sleeve and showed me some fancy watch from a brand I knew nothing about.
“Wow, that looks expensive. That’s so nice of him.” I glanced at it as I took the exit off the highway.
“Yeah, he likes to spoil me. I can’t even stop him. He won’t hear of it.” Remi shrugged. “He’s always been like this.”
“Is that kind of extra for a godfather?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It’s all I’ve ever known from him,” Remi told me. Something tickled the back of my brain, but I didn’t know what felt off, so I ignored it.
“Pull off here,” Remi said suddenly. I looked around. We were by a local hiking area. The parking lot was empty and surrounded by trees.
“Okay, low-key kind of creepy. What’s up?” I parked and looked over at him.
“I can’t wait,” he said, unbuckling my seatbelt.
“Rem, I’m ovulating today,” I told him regretfully.
“I know, baby. I get notifications on my phone. There are lots of other options other than fucking.” He winked at me and then climbed into the back seat of my car. “Come here, sexy.” He motioned with his finger for me to join him. I sighed.
“I’m afraid we’ll get caught.” I hesitated.
“I’ll make it worth it if we do,” he promised. I gave in and climbed into the back, where he pulled me onto his lap and began kissing me.
“You. Drove. Me. Crazy.,” he enunciated between kisses. I knew he was referring to my little homemade video.
“How many times did you watch it?” I giggled.
“Seven million,” Remi responded without hesitation. “I’ve had a perpetual hard-on since you sent it.”
“You’re so crazy.” I laughed again as he began to unbutton my jeans.
“Yeah, crazy for you,” he mumbled. His mouth was on my breast, over the thin fabric of my bodysuit. The material was growing darker as it got wet. I moaned as he finally got my jeans undone, and his fingers slipped passed the body suit and into my underwear.
“Who is this for?” he asked in a sultry tone, watching my face closely.
I could feel how wet I was as his fingers easily breached my opening and began to pump in and out of me.
“Y-you. It’s for you,” I groaned.
“You’re fucking right it is.” Remi’s mouth was near my ear now, and he began telling me in detail what he was going to do to me when we got home. I came embarrassingly fast all over his hand, and then, of course, he licked it all off of each finger. I rewarded him with a blowjob. We did not get caught.