Chapter Eighteen #2
The sunlight streams through the window, shining across my face and waking me.
Blinking, my vision takes a few seconds to adjust, and a few more for last night to come rushing back.
The weight of Levi’s arm prevents me from moving, though I try, only to realize he’s still wrapped around me.
My attempt causes him to stir, opening his eyes as we lie face-to-face.
Locked in this moment, neither of us moves.
My breath is caught somewhere in my chest as I search his gaze, trying to figure out what he’s thinking.
Does he remember last night? Does he remember what happened? Does he remember what he said?
My thoughts swirl in my mind until one fights its way to the forefront.
“Are you okay?” I ask, pressing my hand to his forehead.
I’m flooded with relief as I realize his temperature feels normal, but beneath my hand, Levi’s brows furrow. I try to pull my hand away, but he stops me, covering my hand with his own and drawing it down to rest on the side of his face.
“I’m okay,” he breathes, his eyes bouncing between mine. “You stayed?”
A lump forms in my throat, making it hard to swallow as a tingling sensation sweeps up the back of my neck and across my face.
“I shouldn’t be here.” I pull my hand out from under his and push off his bare chest to turn away, doing my best to maintain my composure so he can’t see how being here with him is affecting me.
His eyes widen, and he blinks, his head jerking back as I begin to roll out from under his arm. At first, I can feel his resistance, but it gives way, and my bare feet hit the floor. Without looking back, I make it as far as the door when Ellie blocks my path, causing me to pause.
“Don’t go,” Levi calls out to me, but I can’t turn around.
I’m overcome as my memories from last night slam into me. My breath hitches. Don’t go, he said last night, but it wasn’t me he wanted.
“I shouldn’t have stayed,” I say so quietly, I’m not sure he can hear me.
“Don’t go,” he repeats, softer now, but something in his tone has me reaching for the door frame for support.
I squeeze my eyes shut, the rustle of blankets behind me filling the silence as I try to steady my erratic heartbeat.
I fill my lungs with air and hold it, clenching my teeth as I try to will my feet to move, but it’s as though my heart and mind are at war, and I’m too helpless to do anything but stand here and watch.
“Tris.” Levi’s hand lands softly on my shoulder.
“I shouldn’t have stayed,” I repeat, releasing my breath as my head drops forward. “You were sick and confused. I should have left once your temperature dropped.”
“I asked you to stay,” he recalls, squeezing my shoulder slightly. Gently, he begins to pull, wanting me to turn around, but still I resist, unable to look at him.
“You weren’t asking for me to stay, Levi.” I break on the words. “You wanted me to be...”
He spins me around, no longer waiting for me to do so myself, and with one hand still on my shoulder, he grabs my face with the other, forcing me to look into his jade-green eyes.
“I wanted it to be you,” he says, voice so certain it feels like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out.
Still, I shake my head against his hand. “You called her name,” I force out, watching as his brows shift apart and his eyes widen with understanding. “It’s okay, I understand.” I try to sound convincing, but I hardly recognize my own voice.
I pull away, but he slides his hand past my face and grips the back of my neck.
“No,” he says, dipping his head slightly, his eyes pleading. “You don’t understand. Every night I relive that nightmare. Every night I call for her, but she’s gone,” he croaks, his hand tightening on the back of my neck as his other one slides from my shoulder to my waist.
I’m completely lost in him, hanging on every word as my heart threatens to beat through my chest.
“I’m sorry for so many things, but especially for making you believe that it wasn’t you that I needed last night. I said her name in my sleep, but it was you that I reached out for when I finally opened my eyes, Tris.” His thumb comes up to wipe a stray tear from my cheek. “You stayed.”
“Of course I stayed,” I choke out as more tears fall.
“Why?” he asks, filling me with a misplaced wave of frustration.
I push him back, both hands pressing on his chest, taking him by surprise. “Damn it, Levi. You know why.”
He uses my momentum and pulls me toward him and into his arms. I cover my face with my hands, my knees giving out as the weight of everything unspoken pushes me down. He guides me slowly until our knees touch the floor and we’re face to face with nowhere left to hide.
“Tris,” he exhales, taking my shaking hands in his and holding them together firmly.
His mouth opens then closes, like he’s struggling for the words to say.
His jaw clenches as his gaze hesitantly reaches mine.
His shoulders rise and fall at a quickened pace until, with one full breath, he purses his lips and nods.
“I need you to understand,” he begins, his words coming out slow and deliberate.
“I’m haunted by the ghost of a life that I’ll never have, of a love that will never love me back again.
I did die in the fire that day. I’m not the man I was.
” He pauses, lifting his hand to caress my face as he looks at me with an intensity that sends goosebumps over my skin.
“I’m not the man you deserve. I’m nothing but ashes.
” His hand falls to his lap, and he looks down, slumping forward.
His confession hangs in the air between us. A declaration of everything he is and everything he’s not. Of the person he believes himself to be, one unworthy of my love.
“No,” I declare suddenly, causing his eyes to snap up to mine with a twitch of his brow. “You don’t get to tell me what I deserve. You don’t get to make that decision for us on your own.”
“Tris,” he drawls.
“No,” I repeat. “I hear you. I understand. I do,” I assure him.
He tilts his head to the side, one brow rising with curiosity, and it’s enough to give me hope. Enough to make me brave. I take his face in my hand, the same way he did mine, and I hold it as a tear trails down my cheek.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s all we are, thorns and ashes.
I’m stubborn and hard to love. I know that.
You’re an ass, most of the time, but you hide one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known.
You make me want to be better while finally loving and accepting myself for who I am.
” I pause, searching his jade-green eyes to make sure he’s hearing me.
“I’m not asking you to move on or let go, but maybe there could be room for me, too.
For us. Maybe together we can be more, but if all we are are thorns and ashes, then that’s enough for me. Can it be enough for you?”
Heat crawls up the back of my neck as the seconds tick by, and I brace myself for his response.
“You’re wrong,” he finally says, and my heart sinks, but he doesn’t stop there. “You’re not hard to love.”
A grin slowly begins to form on his face as his words sink in and understanding dawns on me.
My brows crash together, and my mouth falls open. “You asshole!” I slap his chest. “I hate you,” I snap, but it’s full of relief, and he laughs.
I lift my hand to slap him again, but this time he catches my arm and pulls me into him, his lips colliding with mine.
He swallows my gasp as his lips press harder into mine without hesitation.
My body ignites in a way it never has before as his tongue brushes against my bottom lip, and he pulls it into his mouth, deepening the kiss.
Our lips join as if in a dance as we taste, push, and pull.
He wraps an arm around me and severs the kiss to catch my eyes.
“No, you don’t,” he teases, his eyes bouncing between mine and back to my lips.
“Shut up and kiss me.” I roll my eyes and halt his laughter with a kiss as I crawl into his lap, needing to be closer.
He grips my waist and pulls me into him, his tongue mirroring his need as I open my mouth for him to explore.
A shiver passes through my body as I’m filled with an ache and a need for him forms low in my belly.
I shift my hips, attempting to alleviate the pressure that’s building, but the friction only makes my need for him grow.
His rough hands trail up my curves and beneath my shirt with a heady hunger, leaving me slightly dizzy with pleasure as his hands find my breasts and squeeze.
This time, when he touches my body, it’s with reverence.
Every move he makes, every brush of his hands so deliberate it causes sparks that light me up.
His lips push against mine, and he trails kisses hungrily down my neck, making my skin burn and my breath catch.
I arch my back into him, another moan escaping me as he pulls my skin into his mouth.
“I love the noises that pretty mouth makes for me,” he growls into the crook of my neck before pulling back. The look in his eyes turns predatory, sharp, and unashamed. “Take this off, I want to see you.”
“So bossy,” I tease, and smirk when his pupils blow out.
“I was being nice,” he says, his grip tightening around my waist before sliding my most sensitive parts over the length of his hard cock.
I gasp before biting down on my lip, trying to swallow my groan.
“You can take it off yourself, or I can rip it off.”
I search his face for any sign that he’s kidding, but the intensity in his eyes tells me he means every word. He waits. Leaving me the choice to yield to him or take control.
I am so sick of being in control, and for the first time in my life, I trust someone enough to let go. I lean forward, kissing his neck below his ear.
“I don’t need nice,” I whisper, breathless, before leaning back to meet his eyes. “I need you.”