Chapter Thirty-Seven
REVEL
I felt like shit.
After tossing and turning all night, I barely got any sleep.
I was too worried about the flashes of Night’s aura coming through the bond to rest. Spikes and flares that I didn’t understand came in waves, but they didn’t feel like panic.
They definitely weren’t the rogue chaos from before.
These were more like whispers of sadness and disappointment with happiness sprinkled in.
I still wasn’t used to being tapped into his emotions all the time, and any change in them made me jumpy.
I was terrified I’d have to drop everything and run to his trailer in the middle of the night.
Worried we’d have a repeat of our fist fight, I stayed on alert.
Ready at a moment’s notice in case the rogue energy returned.
If the bond slipped and the rogue haze took over…
I didn’t want to think about what came next.
I massaged my temples, fighting off the faint throb of a headache. There was too much to do today for me to feel like crap. We needed to finish breaking down the circus equipment this morning and hit the road by noon, but I wasn’t excited about going to the convention center.
Arina will be there.
She might not be able to help with much of the breakdown, given all of her five-foot frame, but I knew she’d be wandering around. She’d probably be ready and willing to step in where she could, and that was fine. As long as it was nowhere near me.
I’d managed to avoid her since Saturday night, barely getting more than a glimpse of her in passing, and I was looking forward to the long road trip without having to worry that she’d pop up and disturb my peace.
I didn’t want to see her.
I didn’t want to relive fucking her on the clown bus, regardless of how good she felt on my cock. Thinking about it brought up feelings I wasn’t ready to deal with. It was easier to shove them down and ignore her.
Sure, I’d wanted it. In the heat of the moment, I’d wanted nothing but her. To feel her, inside and out, to fuck out my frustration and hear how incredible she sounded when she fell apart.
But the aftermath scared me…
Not making her bleed or forcing her into the shower. Aftercare was part of my nature as an alpha; taking care of her wasn’t an issue.
It was the fact that I’d wanted to take care of her, and not out of obligation or some primal instinct. That had never happened before.
It terrified me.
The way I’d wanted to pull her into me and carry her to the shower. The way I’d wanted to bathe her and wrap her in a towel afterward. The way I’d wanted to linger and make sure she was okay. If she hadn’t been such a stubborn brat, I might have done it all.
Afterward, I might have crawled into bed with her and tucked her against my chest?—
Fuck no.
I shook my head to clear it, which didn’t help my headache.
Whatever these feelings were, they could fucking rot. Arina was a nuisance, and whatever happened Saturday was a one-night thing.
I planned to stay as far away from her as possible to ensure it stayed that way.
Swinging my legs off the bed, I sat on the edge, staring at the floor between my feet. Maybe I could just hide in my trailer and pretend to be sick. Then I could avoid everyone and maybe, finally, get some sleep.
I sighed, knowing it wouldn’t work. Zero would probably come to drag me out of bed if I didn’t show up after breakfast.
With a groan, I massaged my temples and got up. I stretched and trudged to the tiny counter in the corner, rummaging for pain killers and popping three pills before I tossed the bottle back.
The sooner we got this over with and hit the road, the sooner I could head back to bed.
If I was lucky, I wouldn’t even see the beta woman. Maybe Bobbitt would have something tedious and menial for her to do far, far away from the arena.
Not counting on it.
With the way my luck had worked recently, it made more sense that she would be there, staring at me the entire time. I’d just have to do my best to ignore her.
I dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, wearing running shoes instead of my riding boots, and gave my reflection a once- over in the mirror hanging by the door. Then, I headed to the convention center, squinting against the glaring morning sun.
Dozens of bodies, both troupe and crew members, were bustling around the performance floor when I arrived.
Most of the larger equipment had already been broken down, aside from the mirrored carousel in the middle of the floor.
Once it was disassembled, all the individual pieces had to be loaded carefully into its trailer. Definitely not my favorite part.
“About time you showed up, Revvy.” I froze at the sound of Zero’s voice and spun to find him heading in my direction.
Fucking great.
An obnoxious grin was spread wide across his face, which wasn’t promising. Any time that demented psycho was fucking chipper was a bad sign for the rest of us.
“Don’t call me that,” I gritted out.
“Revellious does have a better ring to it, doesn’t it? Revington?” Zero rubbed a hand over his unpainted chin in thought before his golden eyes popped open wide, and he snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! Happily Rever After.”
“I swear to fucking Christ?—”
“Why are you so boring?” He rolled his eyes.
I ignored him. “Did you just come to annoy me? Or did you have something to tell me?”
“Can’t it be both?”
God, I hate this fucking clown. “Spit it out then.”
“Hallow left for Santa Fe this morning,” he said, his voice suddenly serious. “I’m in charge.”
“Of fucking course.” I didn’t bother to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
I shoved past Zero without another word and marched toward the carousel. As I walked, my eyes flitted around the arena, darting between troupe members as they worked. I didn’t realize what I was doing until a brown ponytail caught my eye, and my heart bottomed out.
I froze, watching and waiting for the person to turn around to see if it was Arina.
It wasn’t.
The constriction in my chest disappeared, and I breathed a little easier. Then I scolded myself for even looking for her in the first place. I could hardly ignore her if I was actively trying to find her.
I growled, forcing my attention back to the carousel. It didn’t matter if she was here or not. It didn’t matter if she even made it to Santa Fe with us. She was a useless beta who weaseled her way into the circus and who I accidentally fucked.
She was nothing and no one to me.
Keeping myself distracted by breaking down the carousel and getting it loaded onto its trailer, I did my best not to think about Arina.
Not to search for her in the crowd. And then, once everything was loaded and ready to hit the road, I hurried back to my trailer and waited for the caravan to roll out.