Chapter 8 #4
Elizabeth sat on her bed reading and rereading Mr. Darcy’s words.
Was the note supposed to erase the memory of his behaviour these past few weeks?
He wrote “we miss your presence.” Who was we?
He and Mrs. Reynolds? He still had not mentioned the word affection, much less love.
Would he spend more time with her? Talk to her?
Was there enough tender regard between them to build a marriage on?
Whatever she did, she must protect her heart from being crushed beyond repair by his inability to love her.
How quickly could she travel to town? No one there would know anything about the events in Derbyshire; she would never bring scandal into the Gardiner’s home.
Elizabeth learnt she could leave on the mail coach and be in London by the end of the week.
She had not purchased a ticket yet, but was relieved to know that, if necessary, she could soon leave the uncertainty and disappointment of the past weeks behind her.
She was more unsure about her future than ever.
* * *
Lambton
“He told my Johnny that we can return to our cottage anytime we please.”
Elizabeth had been searching for the right ribbons for her bonnet at the milliner’s shop when she overheard two women speaking.
“Now that the planting has begun, he has asked all his tenants to return. Staying with Johnny’s mother these past months has been torture. I tell you, Agnes, there is no finer man than Mr. Darcy.”
“He hired my Robert to work on rebuilding the manor house and said he could stay on as carpenter if he was pleased with his work. Mr. Darcy is a good man—he has lost his home but is still as kind and generous as ever.”
The rest of the conversation was out of Elizabeth’s hearing since the ladies left the shop.
Her whole body was light with the positive words she had just heard.
Was it not the best knowledge that the people of Lambton thought so highly of Mr. Darcy?
If only he could treat his betrothed with the same care.
* * *
Kympton
When two more days passed without a word from Elizabeth, Darcy went to Kympton to speak to the vicar. “How may I help you, sir?”
“I should not be marrying Miss Bennet.” A sharp pain affected him deep in his chest after saying those words.
“Why would you say that?”
“No one could ever love someone who is horribly scarred and will always walk with a limp. I was selfish for wanting her with me. She is a perfect match for me, and I am tired of being alone, but I do not wish to hurt her.”
“In what way is she right for you?”
“In every way: her character, her intelligence, and her spirit. I had hoped we could go from being friends to true intimates. I feel ashamed of myself for thoughtlessly proposing to a woman who has been nothing but helpful, compassionate, and honest with me. I care for her most dearly, but I fear she agreed to be my wife only because she pities me. As much as I want to, I am unable to express my true sentiments to her. I have not seen her smile in weeks and I am frightened that she will soon leave me. I cannot envision a future where I shall never see her again but I shall let her go if that is what she wishes.”
“Why do you believe it was only her sympathetic heart that motivated her to accept you? How does Miss Bennet feel about your worries—that yours will be a marriage of compatibility and nothing more? Is that why you believe you should not wed?”
“That is the problem. We have not spoken about it since she accepted me. I cannot find the right words and have no wish to hurt her. She has been staying at the Rose and Crown since our engagement. She had been coming to visit every day but has not come to the cottage for more than a week—her maid tells the driver Elizabeth is indisposed. She is obviously avoiding me, and I am concerned that she is having second thoughts about our marriage. I wish to be near to her to share my thoughts and bare my soul, but I am unable to do so.”
“If you cannot speak openly to Miss Bennet about your future, would you wish me to?”
“I cannot tell you how grateful I would be if I knew how she really feels.”
“I am leaving for Derby this afternoon and will be away until next week. I shall speak to her directly after I return. Honesty is always the key to a good marriage. I would like you to remember—love does not come to you; it must be inside of you.”
“I suppose you are right. I have been living with so much anger and guilt about the fire, I have not been able to open my heart to Elizabeth or anyone else.”
“You have already made progress; you now know why you have been behaving indifferently. Since I cannot see Miss Bennet until next week, perhaps it would be better if you went to speak to her yourself.”
“Thank you again, vicar. I shall try to take your advice.”
* * *
Pembrook Cottage
For several days after seeing Mr. Martin, Darcy mulled over his wishes and dreams in regard to Elizabeth.
He could not lose her and refused to care what his uncle or anyone else thought.
Whoever questioned his choice was not welcome to Pemberley.
She was everything he had ever dreamt of in a wife, and he would do anything to win her heart.
I shall go to Lambton and have an honest discussion with her.
If she intended to end their engagement, he would provide her with the funds necessary to start her life over somewhere else.