Chapter 30
Stella
Despite the fact that I feel more settled with James after what happened on Christmas, my heart still feels raw. Tender. His accusations stung, even after getting an apology. Reliving my worst days wasn’t exactly the most exhilarating experience, but it was freeing to share it with another person.
And to top it all off, this friends with benefits situation isn’t as awkward as I was worried it would be.
We’re a week into the new year and we’ve been finding ourselves together most evenings, sometimes to have sex, a lot of the time to eat and hang out.
It’s nice to have some focus on the “friend” aspect of our friends-with-benefits arrangement.
The toughest part has been keeping it to myself.
“Come on, Stella, you can’t tell me you haven’t hooked up with that guy again,” Nessa says around a mouth full of food. “You’ve been more glowy lately, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re pregnant.”
“Eww, don’t speak that into my life,” I say, trying to laugh it off.
“Have you been seeing someone though?” Hazel prods gently.
Her mother’s funeral was yesterday, and while only her and Beck attended, she still seems a little overwhelmed.
I was surprised that she planned an outing, but she said she needed to get out of the house.
I think back to my mom’s funeral. The only reason I left the house was to grab groceries for my dad and turn in some assignments for school.
“Hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not seeing anyone.” Hazel’s hopeful expression deflates. It’s not exactly a lie. James and I aren’t technically together. We’re simply exploring whatever this pull is between us while we’re in the same city.
An uncomfortable tightness squeezes my lungs. It’s been happening whenever I think about travelling again.
It’s excitement, I tell myself. Sometimes excitement manifests like anxiety, right?
I stuff my mouth full of bacon, listening to Nessa rant about her latest conquest that she met at a new restaurant last week.
Some waiter there apparently has a massive schlong and she ‘needed to try it out.’ I go on autopilot, throwing out jokes where appropriate, nodding, asking the right questions, but my mind is somewhere else entirely.
I’m going to miss them when I’m gone.
I’ve almost made a big enough dent in my debt that I can finally travel, because, let’s be honest, this debt is going to follow me around for life, so I may as well try to live around it.
If I stay in hostels and stay on a strict budget, I should be able to go in a few months.
I’ve already talked to Beck about taking time off at some point.
Six months of time, to be exact. He didn’t seem surprised.
It’s not like I’ve been keeping it a secret, he’s always known that was my goal.
He seemed happy to hold my position here until I get back, which is a relief.
The last thing I want is to come back to no apartment and no job.
I gratefully accept Hazel’s offer to cover breakfast for the three of us and give her a big squeeze before heading on my way.
The walk to James’ apartment is refreshing, the brisk air shaking the sleep from my bones. I bop along to some music in my ear buds as I half-walk, half-dance down the sidewalk. I’m sure I get a few stares, but it’s never bothered me before, not about to start now.
My mood has significantly improved by the time I get there and get buzzed in. I’ve only just shed my coat in the entrance when I stop in my tracks, staring at something very out of place on James’ kitchen table, alarm bells ringing in my head.
“James, there are flowers on your table!” Next to a pint of blueberries?
“Yes, there are.”
“They’re gorgeous.”
“They’re yellow.” My head snaps up to stare at him.
“You said that was your favourite.” I had.
We’d been texting last night, and I challenged him to twenty questions.
I’m just surprised by his thoughtfulness, and a little uncomfortable.
James is standing in the kitchen next to Maria, enticing smells wafting through the space that make my mouth water.
“Hi, Maria, no offence, but what are you doing here?” I ask in my most friendly tone.
“None taken! I stopped by to chat and he said he was cooking. I’ve seen how much takeout he gets, and I didn’t trust him on his own. I’m here to make sure no one gets food poisoning,” she jokes.
“I appreciate you looking out for us,” I laugh, still confused by everything. “Why do you have blueberries?” I ask, hesitant. It’s James who answers.
“You said you wanted to make muffins at work, but the supplier was out. I saw them when I grabbed the flowers.” Maria looks between James and me with approval, clearly enjoying my discomfort.
This is dating behaviour. I don’t want him to think this is more than it can be or feel like I’ve led him on. He steps forward and cradles my head, tilting it up to look at him.
“I can see your mind going a mile a minute, sunshine. Don’t overthink it. I was picking some stuff up for Nessa when I saw them. I remembered you liked yellow and thought you’d like them.” He pops a kiss onto my forehead. “Deep breaths.”
He rubs my arm and walks back to the stove where I can see him preparing food as Maria supervises, instructing him here and there. Fish tacos. How in the world does he know that’s my favourite? I definitely didn’t tell him that one.
“I pay attention,” he says smugly from the kitchen. Maria shakes her head.
“Could you stop reading my mind? It’s getting creepy.”
“As long as you let me be nice to you.”
“You’re not nice to other people.”
“You’re not other people.”
“I annoy you.”
“Yes, you do.”
Kids, sometimes honesty is not the best policy. A frown tugs at my lips. I don’t have the heart to tell them I just ate.
“I know you were with Nessa and Hazel for breakfast. We’re prepping this for dinner later,” he says with a knowing smirk.
“Seriously, get out of my brain!” I flap my hand at him in a shooing motion as he openly laughs at me.
Maria saunters over as I settle into the couch.
“It’s my fault, seriously.” She soothes a palm over my hair in a motherly gesture.
“I know I should leave you two to it, but I swear, if I smell him making you frozen pizza again I’m going to fling myself out the window.
” It’s hard to resist her wide smile as she drapes her arms around me, her wavy, dark locks spilling into my lap.
“Your cousin isn’t nearly this dramatic,” I reply dryly.
“You’ve never seen him in a full pout. Just you wait.” Her voice hints at humour, but my gut tells me she’s not kidding.
“Either way, you don’t have to cook for us. We’ll be fine. Besides, this is all casual. I don’t need this sort of special treatment.”
Maria’s brows draw together as she looks up at me skeptically.
“It doesn’t matter how casual it is, Stella, a man should always treat you right, and that involves a good meal.
If you’re insistent on not going out, you must at least eat here.
Especially if you’re going to be burning calories…
” My face flames as I shoo her back into the kitchen.
I can’t wrap my head around how flustered this all makes me. I thought I could be a cool customer about all this. Apparently, homecooked meals and flowers are going to be my downfall.
I try to ignore their bustling, eventually picking up the book James lent me last week. He said it’s one of his favourites. I can see why. It’s full of adventure and fantasy, love and betrayal, magic and intrigue. Underneath its unassuming cover it holds an entire world that you would never expect.
Kind of like him.
He seems so surly, quiet, intimidating, maybe even scary on the outside.
Once you get to know him, though, you realize that’s not who he is at all.
He’s kind and protective, he looks out for his little sister, her friends.
I’ve seen him help people he doesn’t even know when he thinks no one is looking.
He’s funny and freaking smart. I would never tell him this, but I can see why his dad wants him to run his company, he’s more than capable of running it successfully.
He's not at all what I expected when I first saw him. I saw him as a hot, potential hookup, yet somehow, since I’ve known him, he has surprised me at every turn. Even though we agreed to just friends with benefits, no attachments, he’s slowly becoming one of my best friends.
When Maria is satisfied that the food will give us nutrients and not food poisoning, she lets herself out.
It was nice of her to help out like this, even if it was unexpected.
It makes sense though. Considering the way she’s taken over control of the kitchen at Booze & Brews. She’s a force to be reckoned with.
And insistent on being in everyone’s business…
James sits on the couch next to me with his own book, looking exactly as he does every day at the café. Blank expression, intense focus, the only difference is when he puts his arm on the back of the couch around me, almost holding me, but not quite.
He says he understands what we are, despite his actions and what they say. I decide that I’m not going to question it, I’m going to believe him and let myself enjoy this amount of affection while I can.