51. Abigail – “Those who wish to sing always find a song.” — Unknown
51
Abigail
“Those who wish to sing always find a song.” — Unknown
I prayed no one recognized me. Most people here were staying for the Super Bowl, so I was taking a considerable risk. I wore a hoodie and sunglasses as I waited inside the hotel bar. Being in public here wasn’t the brightest idea, but there was no way I could stay away after Abigail left the dinner table so upset. The moment I laid eyes on her earlier, it was like all the willpower I had mustered up since leaving the Ozarks had disappeared into thin air. I just wanted to grab hold of her and take her home with me. Make love to her all night long.
Yes, I said make love because before, it was mainly just fucking what we were doing. I was trying to keep my distance while still having her. So I never got a chance to savor her, not like I wanted and not like my soul told me I needed. Instead, all I’ve been able to do is observe her.
She looked like all she’d been doing was working out while I’d been gone. Her body was more toned and sculpted since I last saw her. But she didn’t look happy tonight, and I know Naomi’s catty behavior didn’t help.
A man sitting across from me kept staring, and I prayed that he was looking at the screen above me. I adjusted my hood even lower, keeping my eyes down. I immediately felt calmer when I saw a pair of familiar hands next to me. I slowly move my gaze up to meet her eyes, roaming every inch of her body while I do. She wore what looked like silk pink pajamas with a hoodie thrown over them. When she finally looked into my eyes, I had to remind myself that she wasn’t mine, even if touching her would have felt so natural. I reminded myself she was never mine and always Blake’s.
“Thanks for coming to meet me,” I say as I fumble with my hands. “How about we move somewhere more private.” I tilt my chin to a booth back in the corner.
It was a bar, so the lights were dim enough that no one would be able to spot us. She scooted inside, and I swear this meeting was going to be the death of me. It would be so easy to pull her shorts down and feel that warm pussy. To hear her moan in my ears as I made her cum. But as I watched her cross her arms, I could tell she wasn’t giving in to me that easily.
“What’s going on, Colt? Why did you want to see me?” She asks.
“I listened to the CD, journal, whatever you sent me.”
“Congratulations. Glad you did what Blake would have wanted you to do.”
“Is that it?” She says, piercing her lips together.
“It was good,” I say, as if it was hard to get the words out.
“Anything else you want to add? Or was it just good?” Her eyes narrowed in on me.
“No, it was gut-wrenching, beautiful, hard to watch. I never knew how…great he was at the guitar. An okay singer, but that boy could write the shit out of some music and let his fingers glide like no other.”
“Glad you got to see the light finally.” A brief silence passes over us. “If that’s all, I’m going to go back to my room to get some sleep.”
“I can’t love you,” I blurt out.
She stops dead in her tracks and slowly unfolds her arms as she returns her gaze to me. “You’ve tried to tell me that in so many ways, and for the first time, I finally believe you.”
I felt for a moment that I had stepped outside my body or maybe died a little inside.
“It's the truth. I can’t.” Silence from her again.
“Blake loved you. He wrote songs about you. He named a whole fucking album after the wishes you guys exchanged over the years. And I can’t ignore that.”
The words did the trick, Abigail snapped. “How convenient for you to listen to his CD right after our breakup to use as an excuse. Oh, wait, it wasn’t a breakup. We were never even official. You never even took me out on a date.”
Her words come with a vengeance. They almost felt venomous, as if she poisoned me with her words.
“And you know what? You’re a coward to use your dead brother as an excuse not to love me. I don’t even know why you are here. You should have gone home with Naomi and her new busty blonde friend.” her voice went from a boil to a simmer.
I raised my voice. “Are you kidding? I don’t even know what the fuck Naomi was thinking about bringing that girl over to the table. I haven’t had,” I stop before the words come out.
“What, a threesome? Don’t think I don’t know. By all means, go ahead. Knock yourself out.” She throws her hands in the air as she begins scooting away again
“I have no interest in having a threesome with them or either one of them alone, for that matter.”
“That’s right, too many choices, huh? I suppose that’s what happens when you can have any woman you want. It’s tough being you.” The venom was back in her tone.
My brows drew together, putting me in full defense mode. “Is that what you think?”
She exhaled, her tone softening. “I don’t know Colt. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know being around you is too painful for me. It’s almost toxic to my soul. And just the thought of you with Naomi o-”
“You think I’ve been out here messing around with women?” I say, interrupting her.
“I have no idea what you've been doing because you left me. High and dry, remember. You never even contacted me after Josh gave you Blake’s CD.”
“I haven’t reached out because I told you, I can’t love you, and it’s too damn painful, Abigail. So I was trying to do the right thing and move on and let you move on.” I move closer, and she flinches, reminding me she isn’t mine anymore. “I haven’t been with a single person since I left you. Meanwhile, you’re working at a bar, where God only knows who has been trying to pull some ass after a nice tip.”
Her cheeks turn red, and I know I took it too far. Abigail isn’t a slut.
“You bastard. I am not a cheap whore that can just be bought. I’m not like any of the women you have been with.” The rage emanated from her, and she was being mean on purpose. It didn’t suit her.
“That’s not what I mean. I didn’t want you to think I went home with Naomi. I didn’t want you worrying.”
“You didn’t want me worrying or make me upset?” She lifted her arms in the air. “How do you think I felt when you shut me out of your life and took off to Arizona? Why should tonight be any different for you? You care now all of a sudden?”
I tried to defend my actions. “You know why, Blake-”
“Right, this is all about Blake,” she scoffed. “Please save me the bullshit because this is not about my history with Blake.”
“It is.”
“No, it’s not. It’s about your fear. And your inability to lose control. I mean, hell, your whole career is built on self-control and discipline. And then, after Bodie, you’ve always become the person others depend on. And it scares you. Over the summer, you became somewhat dependent on me, and instead of admitting that to yourself, you ran away. Because you think letting me in will give me some power over you. But no matter how much you try to deny it, you miss me. So instead of saying the words, you use Blake to stay in this limbo with me.”
I stare at her, speechless. She was good at making me feel that way.
“You are frozen in time, punishing yourself for Blake’s death.”
Silence filled the air. “Look, if you don’t want to be with me, you don’t need to use your dead brother as an excuse. And you sure as hell don’t need to check on me or coddle me. You can’t have it both ways, Colt.” When she started to cry, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I took her into my arms and held her so tightly. Surprisingly, she didn’t resist. All the feelings I had tried to control since I arrived in Arizona pummeled me at once. I kissed the top of her head and whispered.
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
When she looked up at me with tears in her hazel eyes, I lost all control. I wanted to lose it. Lowering my mouth to hers, a whimper left her mouth as a hungry groan escaped me as I savored her taste—my dick hardened as I yearned to be inside her again. Wrapping my hands around her cheeks, I kissed her even harder.
Fuck she’s right, I missed this. I missed us. In my mind, she was mine. We got lost in our kiss until she suddenly pulled back. Panting, we stared at each other. We’d always had difficulty resisting the physical pull between us, and tonight was no different. What she said next nearly undid me.
“It doesn’t matter how much I love you,” she said. “I’d rather never see you again than be reminded you don’t love me back. Or constantly have women shoved in my face reminding me I’ll never be good enough to be with you.” My chest constricted.
Love.
“You love me?” I mumble, but I know she heard me.
“Does it make a difference?” She asks with a shaky voice.
When I took too long to say anything back, she looked away. “I need to get some sleep. I have a big day tomorrow, and I'm meeting some of Mel’s dad’s friends. Good night, Colt,” was the last thing she said before jolting out of the booth and disappearing into the hotel.