Chapter 30 #2
"She's been as moody as Dani. We're all…adjusting."
Adjusting to me not being there? Is that why he seems so upset?
Because me being there was a good thing?
"I'll, um, stop by sometime tomorrow and get my clothes and things.
If that's okay? Maybe while you're at therapy?
The girls can help me pack, and we can talk.
I'll let them know we're still going to be friends, and… I'll be around. If they need me."
It's like Kace and I are strangers. More so than when we first met and I made that mad dash through his hospital room to the toilet to be sick.
I hate that we've come to this. I hate that I understand that Kace is simply trying to protect his girls from pain and loss because they've already been through so much. I want to protect them, too. Which means sucking up the fact that I have to do this for them. And for myself.
And Kace.
Love and hurt and pain are so tangled up together that I'm not sure where one ends and another begins. The emotions are that interwoven. That deeply embedded that I can't pluck one from the other.
I suck in a breath and turn away from him when it dawns on me that somehow during the weeks at his house, I've fallen in love with Kace. Pregnant. A caretaker. Not even a girlfriend. But as I search my heart, it's all there. The caring and understanding, the attraction and more.
How? How is this possible? Is this love?
We are friendly strangers now, and yet…
With every late-night ice-cream fix to drive away the nightmares, he's taken a piece of me. The shared amusement whenever Dani says something so sweet or cute or inadvertently funny, and we mark the moment with secret grins.
I've fallen for this golden retriever of a man who is so far over his head in family drama and issues that he barely knows I exist.
All the while carrying another man's baby.
I can certainly choose 'em, can't I?
"That's fine."
Fine. Yeah, I think, sucking in air like a drowning victim.
He's fine because we ended things in order to protect the girls, but now that reality has smacked me upside the head with the truth of my feelings, I see the writing on the wall.
I knew he was going to end it, so I did it first. I did it to protect the girls, but deep down, I knew it was to protect myself.
Kace will guard his family no matter what.
Even if it means denying whatever his feelings are for me—or any woman—to not add one more thing that could potentially hurt them.
He undoubtedly sees me as chaos and pregnancy and a discombobulated life, and I can't blame him.
I'm simply one more thing for him to worry about when he's already under a mountain trying to dig his way out.
He murmurs something about returning for pickup time, and I turn in time to watch him go.
And all I can think is now that the meds and hospital have made me better, I am anything but fine.
Around four a.m., I hear the sliding door behind me open and know it's Bronwyn coming to check on me.
"Mind if I join you?"
"It's your deck," I murmur wryly.
Instead of sitting on one of the other seats, Bronwyn sits beside me on the oversized lounge.
"Scooch over."
We split the cushion, and I brace myself for the chat to come.
"What's going on, Lindsey?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know you're welcome to stay with me as long as you want and need," she says softly.
"But?"
She curls her arm under mine and holds it gently.
"But we both know you'd rather be elsewhere. So why are you here?"
I take a deep breath. "Kace thinks the girls are getting too attached," I whisper.
"Dani freaked out about me collapsing and being in the hospital.
She had a nightmare about me dying and sobbed her little heart out.
She even mentioned knowing I'm not her mommy, but I'm like a mommy and had a meltdown wanting me at her dance class so she could be like the other girls for her birthday celebration. "
"Oh, bless her heart."
"Yeah. It's obviously been too much for her so soon after Kace's accident."
"Poor thing," Bronwyn says, concern thick in her tone, as well as what sounds like more than a few tears. "You know I've been reading all the parenting books I can get my hands on, right? Just in case my future involves a munchkin?"
I nod.
"Well," she says softly, "according to the books, vivid dreams are common at her age. She's growing up and becoming more aware of reality and consequences. Things like injuries and death. Kace can't blame you for her cognitive development. His little girl is growing up."
"No," I agree. "But he can blame me for the stress I cause by just being…me."
"Lindy, that's life. People get sick. They have accidents. They need to go in an ambulance sometimes. Dani is going to experience upset of one kind or another. It's how we grow and change. Kace can't protect her from that or keep her in a bubble."
I lean my head against hers, looking out at the white caps topping the waves.
"Can I ask you a question?"
I have a pretty good idea of what it is. "Yes, I am pregnant."
"Haha," Bronwyn says wryly.
I hear a smile in her voice at my sad attempt at humor, referring back to the time we'd sat on this very balcony and I'd revealed my secret suspicion to her.