Chapter 39 - Different Kinds of Serious
Jane's question stayed with me.
Unfortunately.
Who do you think about when you're not with them?
Terrible question.
Useful question.
I hated useful questions.
The answer wasn't simple.
Sometimes—
Celeste.
Usually after a date.
Or after she sent something stupid like—
miss me
—and then acted surprised when I said yes.
Sometimes Audrey.
Especially when I passed a building she'd explained to me and suddenly noticed something I would have ignored before.
And Tori—
Fuck.
Tori appeared randomly.
While I was working.
Eating.
Driving.
Reading something stupid online.
I'd see a terrible business decision and immediately think—
Tori would hate this.
Or someone would say—
we've always done it this way
—and I'd mentally hear—
that's not a reason. that's a historical artifact.
Annoying.
Very annoying.
I refused to assign meaning too early.
Growth.
Probably.
Audrey and I went out again first.
Fifth date.
She suggested a bookstore.
Then dinner.
Perfectly ordinary.
No architecture tour.
No business.
Just us.
She spent twenty minutes looking at design books.
I wandered through fiction.
Then science.
Then somehow ended up in business.
Audrey found me there.
"Of course."
I looked up.
"What?"
"You escaped to your natural habitat."
"This is one shelf."
"Still."
She picked up a book beside me.
Read the title.
Then looked at me.
"Do you read these for fun?"
"Sometimes."
"That's upsetting."
"I read fiction too."
"Prove it."
I pointed toward the other section.
"I was there."
"No witnesses."
I laughed.
Dinner was quiet.
Good quiet.
We talked about family.
College.
People we had dated before.
Audrey had had one serious relationship.
Three years.
Ended because they wanted different lives.
No betrayal.
No villain.
Just—
different.
"Still friends?" I asked.
"No."
"Bad breakup?"
"No."
"Then why?"
She shrugged.
"Sometimes ending kindly doesn't mean you need to keep each other."
Oh.
Good answer.
I liked that.
Later, while walking back, Audrey reached for my hand again.
I took it.
Natural now.
Less new.
Still nice.
Then she stopped.
"Lia."
"Hm?"
"Can I kiss you?"
Oh.
There.
I looked at her.
Audrey waited.
No pressure.
No expectation.
Just—
asking.
"Yes."
She kissed me.
Soft.
Brief.
Gentle.
Exactly Audrey.
I kissed her back.
Then we separated.
She smiled slightly.
"Okay?"
"Yes."
"Good."
There was nothing wrong with it.
Nothing.
I liked it.
I liked her.
I wanted another date.
And yet—
on the ride home, I didn't replay the kiss.
That bothered me.
Not because every kiss needed fireworks.
Life was not Wattpad.
Technically—
my life currently had enough plot to qualify.
Still.
Information.
I stored it somewhere mentally.
Not ranked.
Not yet.
Tori's next date was Tuesday.
Fourth.
She asked me to meet her after work.
Nothing fancy.
Dinner somewhere small.
Then she wanted to walk.
Apparently I was dating three women who enjoyed walking after meals.
Good for cardiovascular health.
Tori was telling me about a product launch that had gone badly at her old company.
"So management moved the deadline earlier."
"Why?"
"Because we were behind."
I stopped walking.
"What?"
She looked at me.
"Exactly."
"No."
"Yes."
"They were behind."
"Yes."
"So they shortened the timeline."
"Correct."
"To fix being behind."
"Correct."
I stared.
Tori smiled.
"I knew you'd react like this."
"That's not management. That's wishful thinking with calendars."
She laughed.
"That's almost exactly what I said."
"What happened?"
"We missed the new deadline too."
"Obviously."
"And everyone worked weekends."
"Absolutely not."
"There she is."
I frowned.
"Who?"
"The six-PM woman."
I smiled.
"I have standards."
"I like them."
There.
Easy.
Again.
We kept walking.
Tori took my hand halfway through.
Didn't ask this time.
She looked at me first.
Small question.
I turned my palm toward hers.
Answer.
Her fingers closed around mine.
Easy.
After a while, she asked—
"Can I ask you something uncomfortable?"
"Apparently that's your hobby."
"Yes."
"Go."
She looked ahead.
"Do you see any of us becoming an actual relationship?"
Fuck.
There.
Not—
who's winning.
Not—
do you like me more.
Just—
could this become real?
I thought before answering.
"Yes."
Tori glanced at me.
"Any of us?"
"Yes."
"And me?"
Direct.
Of course.
I looked at her.
"Yes."
She nodded once.
No huge smile.
No—
good answer.
Just absorbed it.
Then I asked—
"You?"
"Yes."
"Me specifically?"
Tori looked offended.
"No, Lia. Audrey."
I laughed.
"Fair."
Then she squeezed my hand.
"Yes. You."
There.
My chest did something inconvenient.
"But," she added.
There was always a but.
"I'm not going to date like this indefinitely."
I listened.
"Not an ultimatum."
"Okay."
"And not now."
"Okay."
"But if I get to a point where I know I want a relationship with you, I'll tell you."
I nodded.
"And if you're still figuring it out?"
"I'll decide what I'm okay with."
Good.
Very good.
No threat.
No—
choose me or else.
Just boundaries.
I liked boundaries.
Possibly too much.
I asked—
"Are you already there?"
Tori looked at me.
Then smiled slightly.
"Getting there."
Oh.
Fuck.
I laughed once.
Nervous.
Apparently she had been right on Date One.
Tori noticed.
"That scare you?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Yes."
Pause.
"A little."
She smiled.
"Better."
"Don't grade my emotional honesty."
"I absolutely will."
At the end of the night, she kissed me.
No question this time.
Not because consent disappeared.
Because she'd looked at me first.
Stopped close.
Waited.
I leaned in.
Answer.
The kiss lasted longer than the previous ones.
Not Celeste-long.
Interesting that I had apparently developed units.
Absolutely not.
Delete thought.
Still—
longer.
Tori's hand stayed in mine.
No waist.
No pulling closer.
Just the kiss.
Then we separated.
She smiled.
"Goodnight."
I stared.
"You're really just going to leave."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because we both have work tomorrow."
Responsible.
Horrible.
I laughed.
"Goodnight."
"See?"
"What?"
"You like responsible."
"Leave."
She did.
Smiling.
I thought about her the entire drive home.
Again.
Fuck.
Celeste got Friday.
Of course.
She always seemed to have Friday.
I wondered when that had happened.
Probably gradually.
Dangerous.
She chose dinner somewhere we'd already been.
No need to impress each other now.
We ordered.
She stole from my plate.
I stared.
"What?"
"You weren't eating it."
"I was."
"You stopped."
"For eight seconds."
"Abandoned asset."
I froze.
"Do not speak my language against me."
Celeste smiled.
"Too late."
It was easy.
That was still her advantage.
Maybe not advantage.
Fuck.
No competition.
Her—
thing.
History.
Familiarity.
Celeste knew which expression meant I was actually annoyed.
Which meant I was pretending.
She knew I hated overly sweet drinks.
Knew I would eat fries even after saying I wasn't hungry.
Knew when I was tired before I said it.
And now—
she also knew how I kissed.
Unfortunate development.
After dinner, we walked.
Holding hands immediately.
No discussion.
At some point, Celeste asked—
"Tori getting serious?"
I sighed.
"Yes."
No point pretending.
Celeste nodded.
"And you?"
"What about me?"
"Getting serious about her?"
Fuck.
I thought.
"Yes."
Celeste looked ahead.
Kept walking.
Still holding my hand.
No tightening.
No pulling away.
Just—
processing.
After several steps, she said—
"Thank you."
"For?"
"Not lying."
"I wouldn't."
"I know."
Then—
"Audrey?"
"I'm still seeing her."
"Serious?"
I paused.
"I don't know."
Celeste nodded.
Again—
nothing ugly.
That made this harder.
It would have been easier if someone behaved badly.
Nobody was cooperating.
We reached the parking area.
Celeste stopped.
Then turned toward me.
"Lia."
"Hm?"
"I've been thinking."
Dangerous sentence.
"Okay."
"I told you I want you."
"Yes."
"And I told you I'm not casual anymore."
"Yes."
"I'm not changing that."
I nodded.
"But I don't want to turn this into me trying to outperform Tori."
There.
I smiled slightly.
"Good."
"Because I'm tempted."
I laughed.
At least honest.
Celeste smiled too.
"She's getting serious. I can tell."
"Yeah."
"So part of me wants to go—fine. Then I'll be more serious."
"Celeste."
"I know."
She squeezed my hand.
"That's why I'm saying it instead."
Good.
Then she looked at me.
"I don't want you because I won."
Fuck.
"I want you because you chose me."
That landed.
Hard.
Current Celeste.
Not college.
Not some imagined future.
Her.
"I know."
"No."
She shook her head slightly.
"I need you to really know."
I listened.
"If you choose someone else, I'm going to hate it."
I laughed softly.
"Fair."
"I'm probably going to complain."
"Expected."
"Maybe dramatically."
"Definitely."
She smiled.
"But I don't want you choosing me because you're scared I'll leave."
There.
Jane's question.
My own answer to Tori.
Choosing wrong because I don't want to lose someone.
Fuck.
Celeste knew me too.
Different way.
I looked at her.
"That's one of the things I'm scared of."
"What?"
"Choosing someone because I don't want to lose them."
Celeste's expression softened.
Then—
"Then don't."
Simple.
Terrible.
Correct.
We stood there quietly.
Still holding hands.
Then Celeste asked—
"Can I kiss you?"
I laughed softly.