Chapter 4
Conan stretches out in front of me on my couch, swishing his striped tail to grab my attention. Running my hand along his soft fur, I smile as the gentle rumble of purring began. It is a pleasant distraction from the back-and-forth banter that is going on between Claire and Iris in my living room.
After Iris recently decided that a girls” weekend was what I needed to feel like myself and reconnect with my friends again, she roped in Claire to do the heavy lifting.
Iris is seemingly allergic to planning, while Claire has her entire life mapped out. But despite their differences, I know they’ll come up with something special for the weekend ahead.
Even if I’m not completely sold on the idea of this trip, watching Iris and Claire work together to create a vacation everyone gets something out of is amusing.
I glance up to see Claire pulling out her phone. ”Fine, we”ll make a list.”
”A list, really, Claire?” Iris groaned.
I held back a laugh. This was one reason I loved Claire. She has an enormous love of lists.
”Well, Amanda wants to go shopping. Jessica wants a spa day. You want a night out. Avalina wants books, and I want a museum. You try planning all of that without a list,” Claire frowns, exasperation punctuating her words.
It doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t even want to get away. I just want answers.
Shaking off my wandering thoughts, I turn my attention back to Iris and Claire, laughing as I realize my best friend”s single list has turned into multiple lists strewn about over my living room floor like confetti.
Claire’s focus shifts from her colored-coded lists to me at my laugh. The gleam in her eye spells trouble.
“So, what was with Kieran Calder coming to your rescue at the bar the other night?” she asks as she begins sorting the paper into piles.
“I have no idea. I’ve never met him before,” I begin, but then pause. “Wait, have I met him before?” My voice is rising with panic that yet another forgotten memory is getting in my way.
“No, no, none of us have met him.” Iris jumps in, always ready to soothe my dread at a moment’s notice.
“Yeah, you know how mysterious the Calder family is. No one ever gets close to them.” Claire says.
I do remember that from before the accident. The influential Calder family rules over everything and everyone in Kingsdale. If you want to stay in the Calder”s good graces, you play by their rules.
It was just that Kieran Calder kept popping into my head since that night at the bar when he came over after that drunk hit on me. The sight of his dark eyes lit a spark of recognition in me, but I’m not sure why.
I had only seen him a few times since my accident, all in public places around town, but every time I knew he was there before I saw him. It felt like there was a tether linking us together, a mental knot I keep trying to unravel.
Claire and Iris continue swapping getaway ideas, bouncing ideas off each other. I move Conan off my lap, stretching as I stand. “I’m going to make us some tea. Any requests?”
“Something with caffeine.” Iris groans.
Chuckling, I make my way to my kitchen, putting the water on to boil and grabbing tea cups down from the cabinets. By the time I make my way back over to the girls, Claire beams up at me, handing me a piece of paper with what looks to be a list.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“Our plan! I’m going to text it to the others.”
In the end, we don’t go far. We escape Kingsdale to go to the nearby Big Apple for some retail therapy. Kingsdale has plenty of shopping, but it is nothing like New York City.
The bright fluorescent lights of the boutique stores Amanda insists we stop at are blinding, and the endless rows of stores seem to stretch on forever. After hours of standing and walking, my feet are throbbing, and the weight of the bags in my hand is becoming unbearable. The girls walk ahead of me, their gazes scanning the racks and displays for the latest fashion trends. After hours of browsing and trying on clothes, I can feel my energy draining. Grabbing Claire’s arm, I lean into whisper. “Are we at the museum part of your list yet?”
“Almost,” she whispers back, shooting me a look of sympathy.
“Ugh,” I groan, loud enough that Iris and Amanda send worried glances my way from where they are walking ahead of us. “My feet ache.”
Amanda laughs. “But just think of the amazing new clothes you have, Avalina! We’ve only got a couple of more spots until lunch, anyway.”
We are at a swanky boutique, with Iris and Claire oohing over all the shiny bits and baubles, while Amanda desperately tries to rope me into a conversation that I don’t want to be a part of.
“Look at this floral top, Avie!” Amanda holds up a cream, sleeveless tank with pale blue and pink flowers swirling all over it. “You should totally get it!”
“Iris already talked me into that green dress. And I don’t have a job right now, remember? I don’t need any more clothes.”
“But it has flowers on it!” Amanda pouts. “And you love flowers! You just need a boyfriend who will buy you clothes and then you won’t need to worry about having a job.”
“Is that your plan with Rick?” Claire asks as she walks over to see the top Amanda is holding.
“Of course,” Amanda replies, “like that isn’t your plan with Bobby.”
“I like my job at the art gallery. I’d keep it even if Bobby gave me all his money.”
Amanda rolls her eyes. “Not me. I can’t wait to just buy clothes for myself instead of other rich people.”
I can’t shake the feeling that my friends were trying to mold me back into who I used to be. That they hoped I would simply slip back into my old self with a few spa treatments and shopping sprees. But with each step today, I feel the weight of who I used to be growing heavier, until it threatens to crush the person I’m still discovering.
”Avie, over here, look at this.” Amanda pulls me to her. ”What do you think of this necklace? I think it would look gorgeous with that green velvet dress you picked up.” She holds the necklace up to my neck, squinting as if she could imagine the green dress in question on me and how it would look with the gems.
I have to admit, she is right. The necklace is a swirl of vines and flowers in rose gold and silver, adorned with tiny peridot and pink topaz gemstones cascaded to look like flowers on a vine. It matches perfectly with the green velvet dress with its sweetheart neckline and capped sleeves, gold thread woven over the skirt to look like falling leaves.
”It”s beautiful, Amanda.” My hand automatically moves to my necklace, the one I”ve been wearing since the accident.
I toy with it while debating how to respond. Amanda is obviously trying to connect with me, and she has no idea that the only necklace I have an interest in wearing is the one I”m currently toying with.
I also have no idea where I am going to wear that green velvet dress, as gorgeous as it is. Parties, galas, and balls no longer interest me. I just want to curl up with some hot tea and a good book.
I freeze as I realize I have gone on my mental tangent for too long and all the girls are staring at me, waiting for me to say something else.
”You know, I think you”re right. It would look fantastic with that green dress.” I smile at Amanda, hoping my anxiety at my delay isn”t too noticeable. She is trying to connect with me in the only way I think she knows how, and I should meet her halfway. ”But where would I wear it?”
Amanda smiles brightly, clearly in her element. ”Oh, the Preston Gala at the end of the month! I”m sure we have enough time to find you a date between now and then, too!”
I blink, caught off guard. Going from talking about dresses to dates felt like diving into a near frozen lake, a shock to the system. I understand that this was the norm for Amanda, but all my bones rattle in a warning I do my best to ignore.
Once again, it feels like I’m donning a mask and playing pretend, unable to shake off this costume I have worn for so long.
Growing up in Kingsdale, wealth was power and everyone wanted to offer theirs up on a glittering display. There were always elaborate events to attend and outlandish donations to be made. Even birthday parties were monumental events. My parents, as lovely as they are, can’t fathom the idea of a simple gathering with cake and presents. I remember my 10th birthday party was a tea party. At a 5-star hotel with an actual horse drawn carriage. It carried us around the hotel to the elaborate gardens where petite fours and ice sculptures awaited us. My 18th birthday is the last birthday I remember. It was a luxury wellness retreat in wine country, with private yoga and a hot-air balloon ride.
This getaway is just like those parties, elaborate and not at all in accord to who I feel I am now. The weight of familiarity hangs heavy on my shoulders, dragging me through endless rows of stores and through meaningless conversations. The laughter and energy of my friends echo around me, but I can’t shake the feeling of being a puzzle piece that no longer fits in this picture-perfect world.
We decide to wrap up our day with some relaxation in a luxurious cafe, the scent of coffee and herbal teas wafting through the air. The laughter of my friends fills the air, but it sounds foreign to me, like a language I no longer understand. With all the chatter around me about parties and gossip, the latest fashion trends, and meaningless drama. I feel like an outsider, unable to take part in their conversations or share their excitement.
”Hey, Avalina,” Amanda leans over the table, her eyes shining with anticipation. ”Remember that night we snuck into the club and danced on the tables? That was wild, right?”
I rack my brain for any fragment of memory, but all I can muster is a vague recollection of flashing lights and deafening music. ”I”m sorry, I don”t remember,” I admit softly, feeling a pang of disappointment in my chest.
”Ah, don”t worry about it,” she replies with a dismissive wave of her hand. ”You”ll be back to your old self in no time.”
“Well, that’s what this trip is all about!” Iris chimes in. “Making new memories with your friends. Right, Avie?”
“Right.” I nod. But I don’t want to be my old self - not anymore. I know that with an echo in my bones. Surrounded by these familiar faces, I suddenly long for the serenity of the woods, the scent of damp earth and the soothing rustle of leaves. My heart aches with the desire to follow my own path, even if it means leaving behind everything I once knew.
Once we return home, the promised matchmaking from Amanda begins in earnest. A ding interrupts the baking show that Iris and I are watching, and I look at my phone, face falling as I read the text from Amanda.
“Wait, she was serious?” I exclaim as I scroll through the questionnaire about what I look for in a man, including the size of his 401k.
“Who was serious?” Iris asks as she leans over my shoulder to peer at my screen.
“Amanda!” I practically shout as I shove the phone in her direction. “Look at this! She wants to set me up on a date for the Preston Gala. Ugh, that’s the last thing I need right now.”
Iris grabs the phone from me and swipes through the messages. “I don’t see what’s so bad about it. Amanda’s just trying to help you get back to normal, to feel comfortable in your life again.”
“Iris, there is a questionnaire! About who I want to date! Who does that?”
“Literally every dating app.”
I groan. “It just feels so, ugh, I don’t know… I just don’t feel like dating.”
“The rest of us have dates for the gala. Amanda just doesn’t want you to feel left out.”
“You think this is a good idea?” I stare at my sister.
“It couldn’t hurt. I don’t know why you’re being so weird about it.”
I frown, uncertainty weighing me down. Maybe my sister is right and I am just overreacting. I continue watching the show with Iris until she heads out to meet her boyfriend for lunch.
All the interference from my friends has my brain spiraling, and my mind feels like a dog with a bone it just won’t let go of. I figure getting into a new environment will help, so I grab my things and head to one of my favorite places, the library.
Walking downtown, I can’t help but admire the way the oak and maple trees are shifting colors, their green foliage giving way to autumn hues. They accent the picturesque stone streets of Kingsdale and brick buildings, some with little iron gated gardens out front. The library is on the same side of town as my apartment, surrounded by ancient trees and a mix of old and new architecture. On the outskirts of this part of the city there are some farms, and you can find a farmers market each weekend at Fox Lane Park across from the library. Head east and you enter the newer section of Kingsdale, with high-rise buildings, a hospital, and the River Arts District, where there are artists’ workshops, restaurants, and museums.
Entering the library, I head straight for my favorite table and sit down, ignoring the buzz in my pocket. It’s probably Amanda texting me again, asking me what kind of date I’m interested in for the gala. That is a conversation I’m not ready to have. Instead, I pull out my laptop and scroll through job listings.
My parents have graciously been covering my expenses since the accident, but I know I need to stand on my own two feet again. The art gallery has offered my old position back, but with no recollection of art history from before the accident, it feels like playing a role instead of being myself. Before and after the accident, that”s how I divide my life.
”Is everything alright, Avalina?” A gentle voice asks from behind me. I turn to see Sarah, the head librarian. ”You seem... troubled.” Sarah is taller than me, and she leans down to place her russet skinned hand on my shoulder, her brown eyes filled with concern.
Nodding to buy time, I debate on how to answer. I don’t want to trouble Sarah with my restless thoughts. ”I”m just trying to find where I fit in,” I confess, my voice tight from the weight of feeling like I was disappointing everyone around me. ”How can I get my life back on track and find a job if I can”t remember the past five years?”
”Hmm... that sounds rough,” she says softly, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. ”Not everyone is expecting you to return to your old life, you know. You could try something new.”
”Like what?”
”Why not work here? Mavis is about to go on parental leave, and I could use someone to step in for her while she”s gone. You know how the library works and you”re smart, you”ll catch on quickly. Plus, you”re here all the time, anyway.” She says this last part with a smile.
”Oh, really? I mean, I”m sure there are others more qualified than me who need this position...”
Sarah interrupts my thoughts. ”Nonsense. I wouldn”t offer if I didn”t think you were up to it. We could start with a two-week trial and see how things go.”
”Wow. Okay, I mean, yes. Yes, I”d love that.” I say, my heart swelling with gratitude.
”Then it”s settled. Can you be here tomorrow at 8am? I”ll give you a quick rundown on how things work before we open.”
”Yes, I can do that.”
”Sounds great. I”ll see you then,” she replies with a warm smile, squeezing my shoulder gently before returning to her duties.
Standing among the towering shelves of books, I feel the fluttering of hope for the first time in a while. The library was morphing before my eyes, shifting from a place of refuge to one of wonder, where I could grow and explore, unburdened by expectations and judgments.
Sarah is giving me a truly precious gift. Space to discover who I am now, away from the prying eyes of my parents and friends who expect the old me to emerge from the cocoon of the wreckage. But I’m not so sure anymore who I am transforming into or what color my wings will shine when I finally break free.