36
Layla
I’m leaving in an hour. Heading back home to Sacramento. But when I think of the word “home” now, Sacramento doesn’t seem to feel right. It feels foreign.
Liam is a saint, and I don’t deserve him. I can’t believe how I hurt him when he’s never done anything but treat me with such kindness. We talked some more yesterday before I went home to pack. I didn’t stay at his place, and he didn’t stay at mine. I felt like I needed to take the night to myself in hopes of finding some clarity.
When we had our big talk, he reiterated how he’s sorry that it’s a lot more stressful for me, because I’m the one who would have to uproot my whole life, possibly giving up a dream career, to be here. That’s a huge leap, especially after only four and a half weeks (and that one night when we were teenagers). Plus, I’d be taking on Jackson, too. He completely gets that that part is a lot. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that, for me, that’s actually the easiest part of it all. Being here and seeing the magic of the place through a child’s eyes has made me realize how much I want a family one day. That’s why I told Liam that taking Jackson and leaving here was not an option. I would never want him to do that. The memories I made with my parents here can never be replaced or forgotten, but I’d like to create some new ones, I think. We’re not in a rush to figure everything out today though—we decided that much.
Liam and Jackson are here saying goodbye. But it’s not really goodbye. We have plans to talk every day while we figure things out. This isn’t an ideal situation, but it’s the best we can come up with for now. To be honest, I’m still terrified of driving off and leaving them behind.
My heart breaks at the way Big J has been attached to me for the last hour, never letting me out of his sight. I’m packing up the last of my things in the bedroom, and he’s helping by handing me things. He seems quiet.
“You know, I’m going to video call all the time, Big J. And in a week or two, you and Liam can make the trip to Sacramento. It will be like no time has passed at all. You’ll love Sacramento, there’s so much to do there. We can go to the zoo, theme parks with crazy rides, museums…”
His face softens a little.
“Why can’t you just move here? Uncle Liam says you will eventually. That you’re just being an independable woman right now.”
I chuckle.
“An independent woman? Yeah, I might be a little bit of that. But I’ve had to learn to be that way…since I didn’t really have many people to depend on this past year. Only Daniela, really.”
“Will I have to be an independable woman too?” he asks. I laugh again, grabbing his shoulders.
“No. You get to enjoy being a kid, and you get to do it with the coolest, most awesome uncle in the whole world.”
“Yeah…but you would be the coolest, most awesomest aunt in the world too.”
My heart skips, and for a moment, I let myself picture it. Being with Liam, becoming a family with the two of them, maybe adding to that family one day…
I shake my head. I can’t let myself picture that right now. Maybe I am running away because part of me is scared, but I also believe in my heart that if we are meant to be, it will all work out. Our past is a perfect reminder of that. Finding him ten years later and connecting the way we have…I don’t really believe in fate, but it seems like something close to it.
If Liam hadn’t been willing to wait for me, if he’d said he couldn’t do this long-distance thing we’re trying, then I don’t know what would have happened. I don’t know what I would have done if I thought I’d really be losing him.
Liam is loading the last of my things in my car, and Jackson and I stand side by side, watching him. The mood is somber. He shuts the trunk with those powerful arms of his, then slips his hands in his pockets as he saunters over to us.
I give Jackson a big squeeze goodbye, then Liam asks him to go wait in the truck. Jackson squeezes me extra hard, then runs off.
A pit starts to form in my stomach. I take in every detail of Liam’s beautiful face as he inches closer to me with a solemn look on his face.
“You’ll be back,” he says. I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince me or himself.
I offer a small, reassuring smile. I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. “It’s not forever. I just need a little more time to figure my own stuff out.”
Liam simply nods.
“You mean so much to me. You both do. I—”
He shakes his head again, putting a stop to my rambling. “Don’t. This isn’t goodbye. You’ll be back. And then I’ll say what I’ve been wanting to say for days now. But not until then.”
My heart drops into my stomach. I try not to dwell too hard on what he could mean, and I don’t press him further. If we go any deeper, I may never leave.
I know exactly what he means, though. I’m only fooling myself.
I watch him standing by his truck in my rearview mirror, hands in his pockets, as I drive away. I fight to hold back the tears.