35. Lizzie
35
LIZZIE
I manage to stop crying at some point so I can call Lia and tell her everything that happened. She insists on coming over and, as much as I want to be strong and tell her she doesn’t need to, I don’t have it in me to fight her.
I hear a knock on my door thirty minutes later before she uses her key to get in. She takes one look at me and then she’s running to embrace me in the tightest hug. It feels nice and comforting, and I can’t help the tears that start to fall again.
Apparently, I can keep up the waterworks even though I don’t want to.
“You’ll get through this, Liz, I promise. We’re going to get answers, and when you’re ready, you’ll confront him and get closure.” She pets my hair like I’m a cat, and I find it oddly calming. “Maybe after you hear him out and talk, you guys can work things out. This all might be just a small speed bump in your journey. Or,” I feel her shrug. “I can castrate him on your behalf. That works for me.”
I laugh because she’s the best friend ever—and because she sounds so serious I actually fear for Cameron’s junk. But part of me feels like I should have seen this coming.
Life was too perfect this summer. Everything was so easy and seamless with Cameron and the girls. We seemed to be in this bubble of happiness, but, looking back, I can see that I was far ahead of Cameron in the feelings department.
I went and fell head over heels in love while he was…in lust, I guess? He was never shy about claiming me in front of people and wanting me around. He integrated me into all aspects of his life and seemed happy with our relationship. But he was never all in, which seems fair considering what he’s been through, but I shouldn’t have to pay for what his ex did.
I wanted him to trust me enough not to hold back, but I realize now that he may never be able to do that. Even if what Renee said were lies, it seems obvious to me that whatever we had would have fizzled out with time.
Maybe this is for the best.
“I’ve been thinking…” I start, sitting up from where Lia was holding me and dry my eyes the best I can with the bottom of my shirt. “Maybe I should try Chicago. I don’t think I’ll be able to live next door to him after this. I wouldn’t know how to act. Plus, he’ll eventually bring someone new around, and I can’t be here when that happens.”
“You hate Chicago. You never wanted to leave here, so don’t let Cam fuck up your life, Liz. Plus, while I’m on your side, he said it wasn’t over, so maybe you should believe him. And, if you moved away, you’d never see Addy and Mackenzie and you’d miss them.”
“I would miss them.” I find myself smiling. “I will…I will miss him too. It’s funny. I’ve felt different since Cameron and I got together. It’s like he calmed me and grounded me, and I wasn’t flustered and floundering all the time. Until Renee happened.”
“Lizzie, no. Fuck her. Renee’s a jealous bitch who showed up to cause trouble and managed to do just that. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Don’t let her drive you and Cam apart.”
“I don’t want to, but I keep going back to how did she know that stuff? He had to have told her, and there’s no scenario in which he was defending our relationship. It was only meant to be cruel.”
“I’m not convinced that’s what happened. You need to talk to him and get down to the bottom of it. You both deserve that.” She looks me in the eye. “If it’s over because you two don’t work out, then it is. You’ll move on. But because of something his ex said? Nah, girlfriend. I want to hear his side of the story.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side? You’re my best friend, not his,” I mock-yell, even though there’s some hurt behind it. Why is she defending him so much?
“I am on your side. Didn’t you heard me when I said I’d castrate him?” She takes my hand. “Liz, I want you to be happy and sexed up and loving life, and I’ve only seen you doing all that with Cam. You’ve never been happier, and that’s all I want for you. You’re complete with him and the girls. I don’t want you throwing your happily ever after away because of a stupid misunderstanding spurred on by his cunt of an ex-wife.” Lia is standing now, all fired up. “Come on. We’re going to have a girls’ night at Ellie’s place. We’ll watch some rom-coms and order takeout sushi and gorge on popcorn and candy. You can cry all your tears out on our shoulders before you see him tomorrow.”
I don’t really have it in me for a girls’ night, but I know I probably need one. Getting my mind off everything, or at least trying to, feels like the best thing to do.
The next thing I know, my best friend is dragging me to the bathroom and throwing me into the shower. I go along without a fight, feeling numb from all the crying and emotional overload, but I can admit that it made me feel a tiny bit better.
I dress in comfy sweats and pack some toiletries and a change of clothes for the sleepover, then Lia and I make our way outside to her car. I don’t look at Cameron’s house for fear of catching a glimpse of him and breaking down again, but I do see my parents sitting on their front porch, concern lacing their features.
“Hey, Mom and Dad. We’re going to have a girls’ night at Ellie’s, so I’ll be back tomorrow,” I yell out the window.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” my mom asks.
More than anything, I could use one of her hugs right now, but I can’t afford to fall apart when I just got myself under control. Just thinking about everything going on is about to set me off.
“I’m alright, Mom, don’t worry. Nothing the girls can’t fix,” I say with a too-chipper voice.
“Well, we’re here if you need anything, Lizzie. Anything at all.” My mom’s voice is stern but comforting, the look in her eyes telling me she knows something’s going on.
My dad must see that I’m holding my tears at bay, so he doesn’t offer anything but a nod and a smile. A simple I love you from him will open the floodgates, and he knows it, so he offers his silent support instead.
Lia and I wave our goodbyes and drive off, my parent’s house still in view when a stray tear escapes and falls down my cheek. Lia reaches over and squeezes my knee, taking the same stance as my dad so I don’t break down any further.
When we get to Ellie’s apartment above Francine’s Patisserie, she has sushi waiting for us already and a bottle of wine uncorked. Since Lia filled Ellie in on what happened while I was showering, I’m fortunate enough not to have to rehash the humiliation of the day.
Not wanting to spend the night fighting tears, I give myself thirty minutes to talk about anything related to Cameron while eating my sushi, and then I promise myself not to bring him up again. I silence my phone and hide it in the bedroom so I’m not tempted to check if Cameron reaches out to me.
No good will come from setting myself up for disappointment or continuing to torture myself. It isn’t productive or comforting, and it will only make it worse. In fact, we all decide it’s best to keep guys off-limits as a topic of discussion tonight—even if I want to know what’s been going on with Ellie and Liam and the news of Lia’s guy drama at college.
But not talking about any of it feels freeing, though and by the end of the night, I come to terms with the fact that life will have to go on. It was great while it lasted, and I don’t regret it. I learned a lot about myself.
I keep telling myself that I should be happy and that some time with Cameron was better than none.
Except I’m not convinced of that.
At all.