Chapter XVIII
My stomach clenched uncomfortably at S?ren's confession. I already didn't want it to be true.
A disbelieving, "Why" slipped out before I could stop myself.
His inscrutable face was still for a second, deciding if I warranted an explanation, before answering, "He needed to be dealt with. He would have come after Arien again, and you probably as well, to tie up loose ends."
At his words, the knot of fear inside me came undone.
He did it to protect Arien.
To protect me.
That made sense.It was simply how S?ren did things, who he was. I couldn't fault him for that, for his complete and utter loyalty. S?ren always seemed to step into that role - everything, as misguided and as messed up as it may be, seemed to be done with Arien in mind.
And for the first time, me as well.
I didn't care if I was deluding myself, the scared feeling which had begun to creep back in, had instantly vanished at his explanation.
Now that I understood, something inside me simply accepted it.
He did it to keep Zodiac from harming us and Zodiac wasn't a good man. He was the cause of all this if I really thought about it. He'd sent me on this dangerous mission. He'd caused everything to happen to me.
I metS?ren's gaze once more.
"Okay."
A crack undid his usually stoic mask as he drew his eyebrows together, confused.
"What do you mean okay? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? I said I did that to Zodiac. Not Arien,just me." His words were clipped, precise, like he wanted me to understand each one.
"I know, but you were just trying to protect..."
Me.
The word hung on the edge of my tongue, I wanted to let them slip, to hear him agree with me. For him to admit that it was for me. Yes, I knew Arien wasS?ren'strue motivator but the part that he'd mentioned about me kept spinning round and round in my head until they were all that I could hear.
He wanted to keep Zodiac from coming after me.
His brows were still furrowed, waiting to hear what else I had to say. When I didn't continue, he rose to his feet, I caught the hint of frustration in his actions, "I think you should head back to your room, I'll have dinner sent up. I need to see Arien."
I ignored the hallow in my stomach as I moved to my feet. Not wanting to leave the study. Not wanting to leaveS?ren.
"Okay. I-I guess I'll see you later then."
I slowly, too slowly, made my way out. More unwilling to leave somewhere than I'd ever been in this mansion.
Arien wouldn't be happy with this development.
That was a gross understatement, more than that, he'd be pissed. And probably hurt.
Knowing this madeS?ren reluctant to face him, as used as he was to facing situations head-on, he struggled when it came to his brother.
But deciding it had gone on long enough,S?ren purposely strode to track down his brother. Arien deserved to know. And then they could go from there. They'd figure this out together. OrS?ren would do his best to figure it out for the both of them. That's how it always worked.
S?ren met him outside in the gardens, Arien was clearly tense, needing air. Needing an escape.
Arien immediately spoke, noticing his brother's approach. He anxiously asked, needing to know what was going on, "S?ren how's Soleil?"
S?ren swallowed, steeling himself to explain, "She's fine. In her room now, having dinner."
Not curled up in my study anymore like she had been for the entire day already. The thought crossed both brothers minds, evoking decidedly opposite feelings in each one.
"What happened, I mean I just don't understand what has her behaving this way? I mean, I know she saw Zodiac and it was horrible. She should have never been there. Fuck," a hand pulled roughly through his hair, "but why was she acting like that?"
He couldn't verbalise the rest - why is she acting like she wants you?
S?ren knew the question yet unspoken, and figured it was best to just explain it as simply as he could, "She thought you were the one to do that to Zodiac. I think he said your name when she found him."
Relief was evident on Arien's face as he digested the words.
"Oh. Well then we just have to explain it to her. Explain that it was-"
The brothers met one another's eyes. Both letting the words unsaid land heavily between them.
Explain that it was S?ren.
For the first time that he could remember,S?ren felt a feeling so stunted, so fleeting that had he not immediately caught it, would have been lost on him.
An unfamiliar bitterness.
One directed Arien's way.
Before the emotion could even fully form or take root, it was replaced by guilt.
What Arien said was true, he'd been the one solely responsible.
Even if he had once again been doing it for Arien, he alone was the one who orchestrated this, caused harm once more.
And whileS?ren wholly thought Zodiac to deserve every instant of what he'd endured, Soleil didn't.
He'd do whatever was necessary to protect his brother - that was his role and a fact of his life. The only other fact that corroded parts of him, was how often Soleil kept being affected, negatively, by his actions. He deserved to feel the entire sting of words Arien lashed his way.
"I did, I told her it was completely me."
Now Arien felt the twinge of guilt at the reliefS?ren's words provided.
"Oh, okay. Good. Then it should be better, I'd better go talk to her."
"Wait Arien,"S?ren reached out tograsp his brother by the arm as he started to walk off, "there's one more thing I need to tell you."
Arien's searching eyes met his brothers.
S?ren forced the words out, "She bit me."
As if not understanding, he repeated, "Soleil bit me while I was getting her out," a flash of her in his arms as he carried her ran through him, twisting something internally, "it must've affected the...bond. That's why she..." wanted me, "was around me today."
Becoming concerned at the lack of response,S?ren spoke once more,"It was an accident and now she's confused."
Arien breathed an expletive as the realisation dawned, then tone low and accusatory, "How did this happen?"
S?ren's eyes flickered, anger rising at the implication,"Like, I said, an accident."
"You think I want this?"He gripped Arien's forearm tighter, stepping closer, "I've been the one wanting her gone from the second I knew what she was. I've made myself clear. This isn't on me."
Arien could pin everything else on him,S?rencould carry the burden of guilt for it all - but not the bite.
"I know, I know, that's not what I meant."
Seeing the look in his brothers eyes, the guilt for how he'd been accusing him this entire conversation hit Arien hard,"I know, shit it's just a lot to take in, it's okay, we'll figure it out. Maybe we just need some time...apart. Some space for all this to fade."
S?renand Soleil he meant.
Something twisted again inS?reninfinitesimally.
"Fine."
S?ren strode away, he could no longer continue the conversation, saw no need to.
A displaced, almost guilt tinted relief flowed through Arien. They just needed time and the time apart would help put an end to this...whatever this was. The bond would only be completed when both bit one another. Whatever this broken bond was, was fragile. Liable to be broken.
And Soleil didn't need this added confusion,S?ren too didn't need to be burdened with being around someone he couldn't stand.
Arien convinced himself that all this was for the best. And everyone would see that...eventually.